Steaking!

Hmmmm.... streaking..... for me it conjures up images of people running naked!!!!

But no, its not!

Streaking is about running.

I have been off my running during the summer because I tend to get very hot when I exercise and if I over heat I become very ill. This has become worse ever since my cancer treatments so I really do have to be careful.

There has been a heatwave this year and its rendered me completely useless. I have been unable to run, walk the dogs, ride my horse or literally do anything. 

I was feeling pretty low about my running, especially as I am taking part in Erddigs 5K race in September which I am doing to raise a bit of money for North Clwyd Animal Rescue. Then in Septembers issue of Running for Women there was something in it about streaking. Of course it grabbed my attention for obvious reasons but I am glad I did because it has revolutionised my running!

I have set myself my own personal goal of running every day for a week for one mile each run. I am currently on day 5 and still trying to get my head around the liberating feeling this has given me. I am not running for long enough to over heat, I can run at any time of the day and am not restricted to early morning and its short enough to fit it in at any time.

I am hoping to fulfil my target of a week - 7 days and 7 miles and then perhaps another week.

It has rekindled and revived my love of running and is definitely something I will do during summer months when I can't cope with the heat.


( photo courtesy of google chrome)

Red Poppy Tour - Mike Peters

Central Station in Wrexham is a brilliant venue for any band. Its big enough but small enough to be intimate. 

Quite a few well known artists have played there including Big Country, Black Stone Cherry to name but a few.

Last night Mike Peters played at Central Station as part of his Red Poppy Tour and despite the fact I was only 9 days post surgery I honestly could not miss this event. I knew the venue, I knew the layout and I knew that if I got there early enough I could get a seat which would protect my tummy and rest it too.

The fact that I had promised to take my son Joe who had just turned 14 to his first Mike Peters gig was something I didn't want to miss.

Picture by Sue Owen via FB

The evening was made even more memorable by meeting other members of the Alarm family. 

Picture by Sue Owens via FB

Joe was a little shell shocked and shy but he thoroughly enjoyed his first Mike Peters gig. A couple of months ago his dad took him to see The Wombats in Delemere Forest and he was quite worried that there would be fans throwing cans and bottles...... No fear of that at a Mike Peters gig, the fans are too in awe of this incredible musician and appreciate his music to detract from the atmosphere with such antics.

The set list was awesome A New Chapter, Without a Fight, Breathe, Majority, Unsafe Building, Deeside, Spirit of 76, Without a Fight, One Guitar, Blaze of Glory, Moments in Time, Love Hope and Strength, Hallowed Ground, Second Generation ..............a m a z i n g

Up and Down Around and About

Funny title for a post really but it kind of describes the last few weeks for me perfectly. 

Since Snowdon Rocks its been a strange time, lots of changes, lots of challenges and lots of worries.

The first thing that happened was the Rossett Village Fete and I judged the dog show. I was really nervous because its a popular show but once I got into the swing of things I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I know what I could have done better so hopefully, if they have me back next year (which I hope they do) it will much improved. 

One of the ideas I have is for a cup or a rosette called the Love Hope Strength Pet of the Year. Basically, well before the show I would be giving out entry forms for people to nominate their pet for the award. All I would be asking for is their reasons as to how their pet has given them Love Hope and Strength. All entry fees taken would go to the charity itself and the winner would be chosen before the show and presented there. I would also like to put up a display board of all the entries as well.

I would also change some of the classes and definitely include one for young handler.

The same day as the show I came down with a virus. I was ill for over a week with a tummy bug, I have never been so ill with a bug in my life. I couldn't eat or even drink for days. How I did the show I don't know I think it was just through grim determination.

My youngest son started High School.

He is pictured here with his friend. We are neighbours and they were born within weeks of each other. Its nice that they have each other to go to school with.

It has been a big change for me because I now no longer have to do the school run. This gives me almost and extra hour a day!!!

Wilbur is still poorly! He developed a new infection in his side and has been treated with antibiotics but as soon as we finish a course it swells up again.

I took him to the vet on Friday and because not much fluid came out when she aspirated it she recommended leaving him for a week and monitor the swelling, it could be the natural healing process. He is happy in himself.... eating, playing, barking!!

I have had to find the money to cover the enormous vet bill we had from his previous illness. The insurance company Animal Friends wouldn't pay the bill because although I took Wilbur to the vet after the exclusion period, the vets notes said "Wilbur has been off colour for a week" they are saying that it takes us into the exclusion period. 

I wouldn't have agreed to the MRI scan had I known the insurance company wouldn't pay, I just didn't think! This is the reason you take out these policies!

I have been selling off my Steiff Bear Collection to raise funds to cover the bills and we are getting there slowly but it has been a huge weight on my shoulders.

I am so frustrated because its put us in an even tighter financial situation and I am not quite well enough to return to work. I could get a part time job in an office but that would give us child care issues and my heart is set on returning to dog grooming which is the job I love. However, I can't see me being able to cope as a mobile groomer so then I have to think about financing a salon.

I have been for genetic counselling and I have decided to get tested for the breast cancer genes. I feel that it is better to have the question answered than not. I have agreed to take part in a research programme, you never know it might help them to find out why these things happen especially as I was young and have had two breast cancers.

Whenever I go to these types of appointments I end up having a down day and Friday was the day for me. I might add that I had my Zolodex injection on the Monday so hormones may have had a part to play in it. The Zolodex injection flippin hurt, I nearly hit the roof and even the nurse was upset for me. I am going to see my GP and ask for the injection to be changed to monthly because the needle is smaller.

So.... it has been a bit of a funny few weeks as you can see.

Note: words or sentences which are highlighted are linked to pages on the web so if you would like more information on the subject, click on the highlighted words and it will take you to the right page.

Erosion of our Village

When I moved to Rossett 17 years ago I moved to a quiet part of the village which was vibrant with wildlife, tractors, country smells and sounds.

In that short time my home has changed beyond belief. I don't see Robins in my garden anymore, or Song Thrushes, White Collared Doves or even Wood pigeons.... I don't even know if the resident hedgehog is still here and I no longer hear the call of the vixen to her fox cubs during the night.

Ancient woodland has been chopped down, gardens have been built on and old land mark buildings knocked down.

Orchard Cottage which was beautiful and full of wildlife situated next to the local woods and lake was replaced with about 12 "luxury" homes.

The local High School tennis courts were ear marked to be replaced with luxury homes but I set up a petition  which helped our councillor to challenge the plans and over turn them. The tennis courts are now due to be refurbished in order to be used by the school and the community.

I used to be able to walk and cycle up Gamford Lane but this has become a rat race with commuters using it as a short cut to Chester.

My favourite Black Thorn tree was cut down so that the owners of the house could have a better view of the golf course. That tree supplied many a Sloe berry for the Sloe Gin I made for Christmas presents.

Hedgerows have been pulled up and replaced with Beech trees, Laurels or Conifers. Gone with them are the berries which fed the birds and the Blackberries which I used to make my jam.

I am so sad by the greed of the world we live in.

They are intent on ruining villages and rural locations, destroying villages and turning them into "base camps" for the city chaps who want to benefit from the "rural" location and the cheaper taxes of Wales but don't wish to be part of our community or our culture.

Most of all I am sad about the depletion of wild life which was one of the most wonderful things about living here.

When will the erosion stop?

Radiotherapy Burn Baby Burn!

Its been a few weeks since I finished radiotherapy but here you can see how it is still affecting my skin. I still have burns which have sores and it fluctuates between itching and being sore. The only thing I can do is carry on with not using any perfumed products and applying E45 cream regularly.

Radiotherapy keeps working in your body for years and even 5 years after your treatment changes can happen. These changes include discolouration of the skin which I will definately have in the area you see here as I have the other side. It can also cause changes in the shape and texture and obviously pain.

Pain is something I am used to in those areas now because of the scarred tissue and nerve damage as well as that caused by rads.

Radiotherapy also kills the hair follicles which I am not too bothered about because I don't have to tend to the old pits as much as I used to have too. Chemo seems to have changed that aspect for the best too.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Land of my Fathers

Moving away from my operation and cancer for this post I have been inspired by the Wales V England Rugby match being played right now. My mind has been focusing on my country of Wales.

I am from North Wales, a town called Wrecsam which is a border town. I have a lineage going back hundreds and hundreds of years in fact one of my ancestors was the first recorded vicar of Wrexham Parish Church and Gresford Parish Church where I was married in 1994.

On my maternal side my family can be traced back to the time of the industrial revolution and many of my ancestors worked down pit regardless of age or gender.

I am proud of my heritage and proud of my history and the colourful and interesting family that I am lucky to have been born into.

I have many interesting discussions with my mam about our history and family and its my intention to record these discussions so that I can keep many of these stories which will die with her. Its so good to have living history of decades of growth.

It has always perplexed me from a very young age as to why in school we were always taught English history and not Welsh. All of my knowledge of Welsh history has come down via word of mouth from relatives or my own research. I firmly believe that this is wrong, Welsh history should be on the curriculum of all welsh schools as is the language.

I should have gone to a Welsh school when I was little but my older brother was discriminated against by our own. He was held back a year because he came from a "mixed" background, meaning my mam spoke welsh but my dad didn't. My parents withdrew him from the school because in their view we would be subjected to racism soon enough but not at the age of 4 and not by our own people.

My mams first language is welsh. She could read and write in welsh before she could speak a word of English. Despite this, when she was in school she was forbidden to speak her native tongue and if caught doing so was punished and made to wear a badge saying "Welsh Not" for the rest of the day.

I used to speak welsh and write it too but I have lost the ability in recent years with the death of welsh speaking relatives. When I was in school I used to write and write and write then my mam would go through my work and make any necessary corrections. You can imagine how down trodden I was made to feel when my work came back covered in red ink. I couldn't understand it! Until I found out that the curriculum was based on the language of South Wales.

Looking back at welsh history you can see clearly that we were a tribal nation ruled by Princes this has led to the language changing from region to region. Interestingly the only place in Wales which uses "maen odi" for its snowing is Rhos where my mam is from, the term is Nordic......

Second Lumpectomy part 2

When I got back onto Bonny Ward the one thing that struck me was how much better I felt after the anaesthetic this time around, coupled with the fact that I wasn't hooked up to a morphine drip - this was good news.

It was a small ward with just a few other ladies on it so that was nice. The staff on that afternoon were amazing including a trainee nurse Roisin who was spending her last day there. Such a shame, she was a natural nurse, thorough and caring and yet there was no job for her having completed her training.

I was over the moon to be greeted by my friend PBW at 9pm who came on shift. So lovely to see a friendly, kind and caring face which made all of the difference. The night is always long in hospital and I was woken by doctors caring for one of the ladies on the end beds who was having difficulties with her heart. Thank goodness I brought my eye pad with me and so I shut the light and sound out. I didn't want to intrude on her privacy anymore than I had too poor lady. That night she was taken to the cardiac unit, the doctors were so good with her and gave her the best care.

PBW tucked me in during the night and not only that at 6am she brought me a lovely cup of tea!

I felt much better and decided to wash and put some makeup on before the consultant did his rounds. This was fueled by the fact that Harry couldnt take his eyes off me the night before and Joe told me I looked like a corpse. I felt much better with a bit of lippy on!

My consultant came onto the ward with a host of other registrars, breast care nurses etc and said "is that lipstick?" to which I replied "yes" and with that he said "ah you can definately go home today".

He told me that the operation had been a good one, he had removed about 3oz of breast tissue and got good clearance on the cancer site, he had removed some lymph nodes to sample and things were looking good.

He told me that my treatment would be radiotherapy but that would depend on what the oncologists decided. They are new on the scene and have new ideas so he couldnt be certain what my treatment plan would entail. Lets just hope its not chemo hey, I don't think I could stand to lose my hair again.

I just could not get my head around how much better I felt after this operation than the last one. I know my last tumour was large and alot of tissue was removed but I was left unable to move for many weeks and in the most excrutiating pain.

Day 4 after the operation now and my bandages have been removed only the pads remain in place over the surgical areas. I don't have much feeling in my breast and upper arm due to nerve damage but I know from experience that over time some but not all of the feeling will return.

I feel as though I am being fussed over and thats an alien concept to me, I am used to being totally independant, standing on my own two feet and being self sufficient.

I will let this continue until the week is out and then watch out!

Countdown

Well here it is, Sunday night and the weekend is over almost. It's been quite a nice weekend, Jason was home on Saturday and today I have spent the entire day deep cleaning my living room. I made a list of all the jobs which needed doing and made a start. I have got through most of the list but will start again tomorrow.

My Nain used to say "The Devil Makes Work for Idle Hands" and she always suggested scrubbing floors if you were feeling down. I can tell you that it does work! It kept my mind occupied and probably helped me to burn a few calories.

The funny thing about this last week or so is that my back ache has almost disappeared, I wasnt able to walk at one point and now its (touch wood) gone! All I can think is that Him upstairs must think I have enough on my plate with the dodgy boob and Wilbur.

So.... Monday, Tuesday then D-day Wednesday.....

Oh boy.... Weds is an important day for my family!

I get my results at 9.30am and then I can get on with my life whatever the outcome.

Wilbur goes for an MRI scan to find out the extent of his spinal damage then we decide on what needs to be done.

I am more worried about my little dog than I am about me. I understand what is happening to me but he hasn't got a clue. I can't explain to him that the painkillers he keeps spitting out and hiding in his beard are actually good for him or that come Wednesday we will know how to stop his pain.

I had so many plans for Wilbur. I waited until he was over 1 and I started running with him. I had a special belt around my waist and the line attached to Wilbur was like a bungy rope. I was even considering entering into some CaniX events (running races with your dog) but it looks as though that is over for us now.

My other dog Pickles is a dreadful runner! The only time she runs is if something edable has dropped onto the floor!

Talking about running, as I have had the go ahead from the orthopedic team I am starting running again as from tomorrow. I follow the ZEST Running Made Easy programme and I know that over time I will be ready for a 10K race again. I have to use my posh new Garmin which my dad got me for Christmas!!!

If you are considering running its important that you follow these bits of advice. I have been running for a few years now with my break when I was having treatment and I have researched the subject quite alot.

Your CV system is easier and faster to train than your muscular/skeletol so you might feel you can pound the road for mile after mile but this will lead to injury. Walking is just as important as running and combining the two in a slow build up programme will significantly decrease the risk of injury.

When buying footware, go to a specialist shop and have your gait analysed. I had mine done in Chester. I also chose the shoes there and the size (always go one size up from your normal shoe size) but I didnt buy them from there, I took the details home, googled them and got them for £25 cheaper!

Running shoes have to be replaced regularly!

The other thing I would suggest if you are a lady is - get yourself a decent sports bra even if you are small busted. I feel as though I am suffocating when I am in mine !

So I have a few plans for the week ahead. Mainly housework and dog walking but I am tense about Wednesday for a few reasons.

Cancer?

I had my routine mammogram at the Shooting Star Unit in Wrexham Hospital just over a week ago so you can imagine how upset I was to receive a phone call the next day calling me in for another mammogram. I had my appointment scheduled for last Thursday when the radiographer was in the unit so if I needed a scan or biopsy it could be done then and there.

I was so glad to have the Gathering 20 that weekend which took my mind off my situation and gave me the posititivy and strength to face the challenge that lay ahead.

When I got to the unit, they explained that they had seen a slight change in my other breast and wanted to do another mammogram, if the area "went away" during the mammo then great, it was just me but if not they needed to take a closer look.

There was no lump palpable and the area in question was quite deep so the Xray team had to mark the area with the X you can see in the picture. The mammogram itself pinched like hell this time because they had to get a tight squeeze.

Unfortunately, the lump didn't "go away" during the mammogram and so I was sent to see the radiographer for a scan.

From what the radiographer could see, he decided he wanted to take a biopsy. So the area of my breast was numbed and a scanner was used in order to locate the area with the biopsy needle (pictured above). The reason they needed to use the scanner was because the area they were looking at was so tiny (good news for me).

It was quite a long drawn out process because he had to "rummage" around in order to get a sample and that was tense.... putting up with the sensations and waiting for the click (rather like an industrial stapler). Two samples were taken.

I had a big sigh of relief when it was over I can tell you!

So this is the dressing they placed over the biopsy site, had to remain in place for 24 hours to avoid any infection.

 A little bit of blood seeping through the dressing.

This is my lumpectomy scar from my last cancer. The lump was the size of a ten pence piece and a stage 3 tumour - not nice! The reason the scar isn't very tidy is because I had a hematoma after the operation, Mr Cochrane offered me the opportunity to go back into theatre to have it drained but I wanted out of there quickly and didnt want any more pain so I gracefully declined. Later on Mr Gates tried to drain it through the scar but it wasn't playing ball. I don't mind apart from the pain it gave me and the scar really doesn't bother me because I see it was a "medal" - proof that I kicked cancers big fat ass!

Not so long ago, if you had a breast tumour all of your lymph nodes were taken out. This left ladies with a disability, with lymphodema, a painful condition and compromised life style. Due to research they now inject into your nipple before the operation and they can trace the lymph nodes directly linked to the cancer lump. I got away with only having three nodes removed and thankfully these were cancer free. The scar under my arm is neat. I haven't regained all of the feeling in that area even after 3 years but it honestly doesn't both me at all. Oh and after surgery you pee blue lol.

I can feel the "pull" of the op sites when I move but I have full mobility so its not an issue for me at all.

So this is what the biopsy site looks like now, bruised but nowhere near as bad as the biopsy taken from my last lump. Last time, even wearing a sports bra I was unable to run for weeks.

I had a brief chat with Mr Cochrane after the procedure and his words were "you can see I am relaxed, you can see I am not concerned". Basically if the area in question does turn out to be cancer, it has been caught right at the very start of its growth, I am totally amazed that they spotted it at all. So the upside of it is, it will mean a small lumpectomy, some nodes taken to be checked and thats it!!

I am very lucky to be living in North Wales and to be treated by such a competant and amazing team of surgeons, nurses and oncologists, I honestly do owe them my life.

NOW: important note here!!! I am not posting this to get sympathy, I am not posting this to get comments like "oh aren't you brave". I am not brave I just get on with the shit life throws at me, I deal with things head on because thats all you can do. I am writing this post so that if it is read, it could put a persons mind at rest, a cancer diagnosis doesn't mean horrendous disfigurement or a death sentence.

When I was originally diagnosed, I searched the net looking for pictures of lumpectomies and the ones I found were severe and very frightening.

Also, breast cancer isnt limited to us ladies, 300 men are diagnosed each year! Also, cancer doesn't have any age boundaries. Keep vigilant!

Results of My Back Scan

I went to see the orthopedic assessment team last week. It seems that chemo has affected my bones and the drugs I am on to block oestrogen is causing my ligaments to loosen, similar to when you are pregnant. This fact along with muscle loss and the sacral bone fracture is why I am in so much pain.

They are referring me to a specialist physiotherapist for rehabilitiation.

Me??? Rehabilitated?????

Wilburs Progress

Its almost two weeks since I took Wilbur to the vets with his injury and during that time I had to take him back to the vets on an emergency appointment and he has had two further relapses which have been distressing to witness. Both relapses have happened after he has "over done" things. I sadly put him on crate rest only coming out to toilet or have a potter around the garden with me and sitting on the sofa with me during the evening. This seems to have done the trick, he is alot happier in himself and just now I felt his spine and stomach and they are not tense. They have been like bricks previously. He is still taking his anti-inflammatory once a day and I only gave him one pain killer this afternoon because he was trembling after he had been outside for a session in the garden.

He is now settled by me on the sofa, quite relaxed and quite happy although I know that we are not out of the woods yet, this injury will take weeks to heal.

I have decided to use his crate rest as a way to re-educate him. When we go for walks he goes completely nuts. He jumps, pants, whines, cries - the whole kit kaboodle! I have tried every trick in the book to try and calm him down but nothing works.

I am using his crate time now to show him his headcollar. Once he can look and sniff at his headcollar without showing signs of excitement I will start to put it on him, walk away, wait until he is settled then take it off. I will carry on doing this until he stops showing a reaction, at this point I will introduce the lead into the equation and repeat.

When he is at the stage when he is ready to come out of the crate on his lead he will be allowed to do so but any signs of excitement and he is returned to the crate.

I know that this is going to take a long time to do but his rehabilitation is something which can't be rushed either.

Wilbur is a lovely dog, mad as a hatter but the most loving friend anyone could wish too. I have been so worried about him, dreading the fact that he might have to have operations or worse. Lets hope he is on the road to recovery even if it is going to be a long one!

Isotope CT Scan

Yesterday I went to hospital for an isotope CT full body scan. As a cancer patient, the NHS takes any ache or pain seriously. Since I started on Tamoxifen I have had the most incredible back pain. Lower back to be specific. When I rest the pain is insignificant but when I start to do anything "normal" the pain becomes unbearable at times.

My Oncologist had already ordered a lumber Xray and from that he was pretty sure that they pain wasn't related to cancer but wanted me to have a CT scan just to make sure.

The procedure is simple really and if you didn't have a back problem it could be quite a relaxing experience!

The first appointment a few hours prior to the scan is to have a small amount of radio-active stuff injected into you. My veins are still damaged by the chemo and herceptin and the radiographer told me it can take up to 5 years for them to recover. There are still signs of cording but I thought that because my hand grip was better that they had got better.

Anyway I digress.

My veins are small so she used a butterfly needle to get to the vein to which she attached a tube. She then pumped saline into my vein to make sure that there were no leaks and that the fluid was going into my vein and not out into my body. Once this was done, the isotope fluid was put in.

I nipped into Wrexham town for a sandwich and to kill some time (a very depressing place these days) and then back again. I sat in the foyer people watching for a some time (oh the sights you see), had a cuppa then took myself off to Xray.

You have to remove any metal objects from your person so thats money in your pocket, jewelry, belts and even boots with large eye lets.

They position you on the scanner bed, and use a velcro material thingy (all very technical) to keep your feet together and then for your arms.

The scanner comes over your body starting with your head, its so close you can actually feel the hairs on your body lifting up.

As I said, this could be a relaxing thing but for me my back was agony as I felt it locking. The scan took about 25 minutes and by the end of it I was ready to scream but was additionally worried about how I was actually going to get off the bed...... I had visions of flopping onto the floor!

The radiographer came in and asked if I had any pain "too right" I did! He then told me he wanted to take a more detailed scan of the affected area which would show up anything including arthritus etc. He was really kind though and gave me a triangular shaped cushion thingy to support my knees which took the pressure off my back.

This scan took 20 minutes and made my legs tickle!

After an hour on that scanner bed my back was in terrible shape I felt like an old lady getting up and off the flippin bed!

At least its done now and they can rule out cancer to the bone then when I see the orthopedic team they will have information at the ready to make any diagnosis and get me some help.

I do get a bit down with the side effects of treatment but then I give myself a good talking too because they are a small price to pay for the fact that I have my life.

I am forever indebted to the NHS, to surgeons, doctors, nurses, researchers, auxiliory staff - everyone who has made my treatment and ongoing life possible.

Wilbur

Poor Wilbur, this year hasn't got off to a good start for him! He became ill on Christmas day but we couldn't work out the symptoms because he wasn't ill as such but wasn't quite himself.

I delayed taking him to the vet firstly because I was so ill myself, the entire Christmas was spent being housebound then when I did decid enough is enough I had to make up my mind as to which vet I took him too.

Complicated.

I won't go into the in's and out's of the matter but lets say I am no fool when it comes to my animals and I don't agree with some modern ideas.

I decided to take him to a new/old vet in the end and I am glad that I did. Not only did they get to the root of the problem (which ultimately seems why Wilbur was ill a couple of months ago) but I felt as though I was cared for and not being taken for a ride. The receptionists were lovely as were the nurses, nothing was too much trouble.

So the conclusion!

Wilbur is stiff and reluctant to use his right hind side so the vet suspects some sort of injury. He has been given an anti-inflammatory injection and a course of pain killers. We go back in a week to review his situation. In the meantime I have to keep him rested and no jumping or running around.

Poor Wilbur!

2 days and Counting!!!

I have been fighting a viral infection over Christmas. One thing I have noticed since cancer, I just can't fight off infections the way I used to.

I must admit that today I was very upset, couldn't stop crying. I just want to be the Sara I was before I had cancer. Since 3 years ago next month my health seems to have been in a steady decline. I have never in my life been so fat, unfit and unhealthy. I feel so ugly all through.

Today I did wonder what the point of it all was, I really couldn't see what quality of life I have anymore. I really did lose my fight today.

So I thought about Mike Peters, I thought about other friends, had a good cry, a good moan and then came back fighting!

This year has been a difficult one for me on a lot of levels. You would have thought that 2009 or 2010 would have been worse but having finished the radical part of cancer treatment I am suddenly plunged in at the deep end tryind desperately to stay afloat.

On January 5th 2011, Poppy was run over by a tractor and died in my arms. The memory of that day haunts me. Her head looking up from the road looking for me, scooping her up into my arms, our eyes connected, she relaxed because she was with me and she died. That was the start of a terrible year.

On 14th May I lost the lynch pin of our family, my Auntie Heather. Very suddenly at the age of 65. She has always been a part of my life, always been there for us all giving support freely. Such a kind and loving person with a wicked sense of humour, I still can't believe that she is no longer with us.

I was let down by people I thought were my friends this year too. They told lies about me and attacked me on FB without due cause. If those people have the audacity to read my blog then you know who you are and shame on you.

I would refer to yet another Mike Peters song at this point so take heed and listen if you dare.



"I've been accused of being things I'm not......"

On top of this I have had a couple of cancer scares coupled with excrutiating back pain which has led me to give up my running, walking and riding.

The year finishes on the note it started.

However, in January I have a scheduled bone scan which is purely precautional, I have an orthopedic appointment to look into my back problems and my mammogram which I hope will declare me 3 years in remission!

The pain killers my doctor has prescribed me are working so once this stupid infection is gone I am hoping to be climbing the rosy slopes to good health!

See you in the new year!

Merry Christmas 2011

Well, I can't believe that another Christmas is almost here. The planning, preparation, saving, legwork, computer work that goes into making it a splendid festivity is culminating in tomorrow.

So as we celebrate the birth of Christ tomorrow I give thanks for everything that I have been blessed with in my life..... my family and my friends who give me the motivation to tackle each day, my animals, my faculties and most of all I thank the surgeons, nurses, doctors and scientists who have made my recovery possible.

My Christmas wish is to have a 3 year remission score next month.

So thank you to all of my amazing friends who have kept me smiling and coping xxxx

Here's to many more Christmas'

Tests!

What a week I had last week. As you know I am suffering chronic back pain, it comes and goes depending on how active I am. This has resulted in me cutting back my walking and I have stopped running.

Last Wednesday I had a scheduled appointment with my oncologist and I explained the problem to him. He took the matter very seriously although not at the pain front! He organised a spine Xray and blood tests straight away and asked me to come back to clinic for the results.

Thankfully, he greeted me with huge smiles saying that he is confident that the bone scan scheduled for a later date will not show up any signs of cancer in the bones.

I visited my GP the next day and in fairness she was brilliant. She has given me a range of pain medication instructing me to start off with low doses and working my way up until my pain is under control.

I didn't realise just how much pain I have been in until those painkillers kicked in. My mood instantly lifted because at last, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I can start riding my pony again, running and walking.... in short I can get my life back!

One thing that Dr Soe's reaction to my back pain did, was made me realise the grade and severity of my cancer. It was quite a sobering thought.

I also met a friend from breast cancer support and she had an elective double mastectomy after finding a low grade lump in her breast. She has a family history of breast cancer. She wasn't given chemo just the tamoxifen which she had to stop after she lost her voice and had other complicated side effects. She was facing another operation last Friday to remove a tumour from her rib cage..... This meeting made me realise that coming off tamoxifen for me is a big NO.

So next month will be 3 years since I found my lump on 16th January, on 4th February it will be 3 years since official diagnosis. I have a mammogram scheduled for the back end of January and I am hoping that I will be reporting my 3 year in remission!

Many hospital visits in January..... bone scan, mammogram and orthopedics.

I Don't Want to Die

Its almost 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I have to pinch myself as I think of the years which have passed in a blink of an eye. It's been quite a roller coaster of a ride!

During that time I have spent 2 years having treatment... operation, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 blasts of radiotherapy and 18 doses of herceptin.......

My body has been poisened within an inch of its life, some parts permanently damaged.... other parts are regenerating with time.

I have got to a different stage in the whole nightmare now. The first 2 years I was in a sort of protective bubble being cared for by surgeons, oncologists and nurses then the last year has been a bit of a different experience..... like using crutches and then starting to walk without them for the first time.

I have had an ache like a bruise in by back, parallel to the breast which had the surgery. There is no bruise apparent and it hurts when I stretch my arm up into the air.

Today I have been made so very happy by my wonderful husband, my beautiful sons, my family and my amazing friends. As I adjusted the shower head and felt the twinge of the "bruise" I was overcome with fear and I suddenly realised the situation I have been in and I also that I really don't want to die. I have got far too much to live for.

For the first time since the shock of diagnosis I cried, really really cried because I am scared.

I have so much to live for and so much more I want to do with my life.

I realised today that being overweight because of the drugs, having back pain because of the drugs isn't important. The weight will come off one day and the pain.... well pain is pain but my life is important to me.

My scars are a permanent reminder of my ordeal, the numbness in my arm and breast and the pain when touched.

I am seeing the Oncologist next week and I will be checked out and will feel extremely silly in having these fears. As Jason said, I had a massage last week and the discomfort could purely have been caused by that.

I am a positive person, I have to look for the good and discard the bad but the fear is something I will have to learn to live with.

Money! Money! Money!

In my life I have been poor, I have been comfortable but it looks as though I am heading for poor again. All I hear on the news is plans to cut services, increase tax, cut pensions. I never believed I would see fuel at £1.30 a litre and the cost of food is crazy. Every time I do my shop the prices have gone up.

I am lucky to have lived frugally as a child and my mum showed me how to create a meal from nothing. Don't get me wrong, I never went hungry and we always had a decent meal to eat but we didn't have crisps, biscuits, sweets and things like that which people these days see as an essential part of their store cupboard and mum always made food from scratch so no tinned or convenience food, it was far too expensive.

Everything seems to have an expensive price tag and as we move into frugal times the expectations we have created during the comfortable times are still in place. This leads to discontent, a feeling of injustice, anger even.

So now, as you read this try to think of what is important in life...... really important!

• Health for me is important because without it you can't enjoy life to the fullest
• My children through them I have learnt valuable lessons in life
• My husband who is my rock
• My mum who is my mum (enough said)
• My family
• My animals who bring me such joy and sense of purpose
• My friends who give me more support than they ever could realise
• My faculties

I could really go on but you can see in my list that I haven't put anything materialistic in there.

So as we approach Christmas, a time which puts dreadful pressure on us to spend, spend, spend. Shall we just try to readjust our expectations. Look at the real meaning of Christmas. Ok, so you might not be religeous but you can still look beyond the religeous aspect of Christmas and look into the meaning. It is  a celebration of the end of winter and the coming of light..... it is a time to show love and appreciate to those who are important to you and most of all, it is a time to celebrate life.

If somebody is kind enough to give you a gift, don't just accept it. Look deeper into the gift... the fact that the person who has given it actually wanted to gift you, the fact that they have taken the time to produce this gift and wrap it for you. If you are lucky, they may have even MADE the gift for you.


So the message from this blog is... we are living in difficult times and things are set to get worse before they get better. However, you don't need lots of money to be happy, you just need to change your expectations and perceptions and look to what wonderful things you have in your life and be content with them.

Normal Service has Been Resumed

Trips to the doctors are always quite depressing! Yesterday really tipped the scales of harmony for me I can tell you! He just didn't listen to what I was saying, it was as though my feelings and opinions were irrelevant! Well..... hello....... this is MY body we are talking about and MY life!

Anyway...... I felt a bit blue, felt a bit sorry for myself but messages of support came thick and fast from the most wonderful friends and family - they make all of the difference you know!

However, this video of Fenton or Benton in Richmond Deer Park chasing deer really did cheer me up! I laughed until my sides ached and giggled alot afterwards too. I am still giggling now!

I also turned to my mentor Mike Peters, I listened to some of his music and watched some of his videos, I had another look at his web site for the Love Hope Strength Foundation and that gave me the strength and inspiration I needed to sort myself out. This particular song says it all.

The tablets the doctor prescribed to help my asthma seemed to have worked and for the first time in months I woke up feeling human. The pain killers have eased alot of the pain and I actually enjoyed walking the dogs today - yes I felt human!

What a difference a day makes but it just shows you that with the influence of your heroes and mentors, the love and support of your friends through whatever medium can pull you through the darkest of times.