Saturday, 10 December 2011

I Don't Want to Die

Its almost 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I have to pinch myself as I think of the years which have passed in a blink of an eye. It's been quite a roller coaster of a ride!

During that time I have spent 2 years having treatment... operation, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 blasts of radiotherapy and 18 doses of herceptin.......

My body has been poisened within an inch of its life, some parts permanently damaged.... other parts are regenerating with time.

I have got to a different stage in the whole nightmare now. The first 2 years I was in a sort of protective bubble being cared for by surgeons, oncologists and nurses then the last year has been a bit of a different experience..... like using crutches and then starting to walk without them for the first time.

I have had an ache like a bruise in by back, parallel to the breast which had the surgery. There is no bruise apparent and it hurts when I stretch my arm up into the air.

Today I have been made so very happy by my wonderful husband, my beautiful sons, my family and my amazing friends. As I adjusted the shower head and felt the twinge of the "bruise" I was overcome with fear and I suddenly realised the situation I have been in and I also that I really don't want to die. I have got far too much to live for.

For the first time since the shock of diagnosis I cried, really really cried because I am scared.

I have so much to live for and so much more I want to do with my life.

I realised today that being overweight because of the drugs, having back pain because of the drugs isn't important. The weight will come off one day and the pain.... well pain is pain but my life is important to me.

My scars are a permanent reminder of my ordeal, the numbness in my arm and breast and the pain when touched.

I am seeing the Oncologist next week and I will be checked out and will feel extremely silly in having these fears. As Jason said, I had a massage last week and the discomfort could purely have been caused by that.

I am a positive person, I have to look for the good and discard the bad but the fear is something I will have to learn to live with.


  1. Sara I read what you wrote and it could have been me minus the husband and kids, though I do have my son....

    It is scarey We become dependent on these people who filled our veins with chemo, gave us the diagnosis, Our lives were in their hands.It's like cutting the cord.And we have to do things continue to live with a bag of mixed emotions we don't have "them" to fall back on except on designated times and appointments./ We develop an ache or pain the dire thought set in I hear you Sara and I too have cried...You are in good company :)
    Love Alli XXX

  2. Wow, it's been three years since your diagnosis. It'll be two years for me next April. It is pretty amazing how time just keeps flying by. I understand about your fears and worries. You are so not alone. Hope your appointment went alright. My best.

  3. Keep that attitude. Keep that focus. It's our spirit and our determination -- our faith, our hope and our strength that keep us going and keep the monster at bay. I firmly believe that. You have much to live for, and you will ♥


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