I have to pinch myself as I think of the years which have passed in a blink of an eye. It's been quite a roller coaster of a ride!
During that time I have spent 2 years having treatment... operation, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 blasts of radiotherapy and 18 doses of herceptin.......
My body has been poisened within an inch of its life, some parts permanently damaged.... other parts are regenerating with time.
I have got to a different stage in the whole nightmare now. The first 2 years I was in a sort of protective bubble being cared for by surgeons, oncologists and nurses then the last year has been a bit of a different experience..... like using crutches and then starting to walk without them for the first time.
I have had an ache like a bruise in by back, parallel to the breast which had the surgery. There is no bruise apparent and it hurts when I stretch my arm up into the air.
Today I have been made so very happy by my wonderful husband, my beautiful sons, my family and my amazing friends. As I adjusted the shower head and felt the twinge of the "bruise" I was overcome with fear and I suddenly realised the situation I have been in and I also that I really don't want to die. I have got far too much to live for.
For the first time since the shock of diagnosis I cried, really really cried because I am scared.
I realised today that being overweight because of the drugs, having back pain because of the drugs isn't important. The weight will come off one day and the pain.... well pain is pain but my life is important to me.
I am seeing the Oncologist next week and I will be checked out and will feel extremely silly in having these fears. As Jason said, I had a massage last week and the discomfort could purely have been caused by that.
I am a positive person, I have to look for the good and discard the bad but the fear is something I will have to learn to live with.