tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4276046516226430852024-03-06T12:01:42.496-08:00Fight BackMy life fighting back....Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.comBlogger274125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-54020174169662617532021-05-03T12:26:00.005-07:002021-05-03T12:26:38.290-07:00Struggling<p> I am struggling to live at the moment.</p><p>2015 was the year I stopped living. </p><p>Cancer has beaten me in the end</p><p>I have lost everything and everyone I care about<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4JZ0SpyHOADSvLvbY6VKf9z2ZHN2PukvNT09N07e2DmZ2dlX5VOReyriHz1bjlPwkLzPpRe81KOOjc_R7kB_SGpAQW-MvRcX5-JGdJzKoqxFyZDR2IcBAzwyUJdLr7pa0ELxNnCYAP8Y/s1600/Al.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4JZ0SpyHOADSvLvbY6VKf9z2ZHN2PukvNT09N07e2DmZ2dlX5VOReyriHz1bjlPwkLzPpRe81KOOjc_R7kB_SGpAQW-MvRcX5-JGdJzKoqxFyZDR2IcBAzwyUJdLr7pa0ELxNnCYAP8Y/s320/Al.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBbm5rrCXzgL4YL9VqM8mYtzwMqRCH_kL8i_E9-oHvITY5EypM6QYSJO3Zf0cp8ZMRxgKrCL4_2KJW8U6D_uxD-0LrJwRJYEhZP6rBdGoOwPzgsDTUyGj7O-FlonHdGvnd_ayZlqo0FBA/s1600/DSCF1109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBbm5rrCXzgL4YL9VqM8mYtzwMqRCH_kL8i_E9-oHvITY5EypM6QYSJO3Zf0cp8ZMRxgKrCL4_2KJW8U6D_uxD-0LrJwRJYEhZP6rBdGoOwPzgsDTUyGj7O-FlonHdGvnd_ayZlqo0FBA/s320/DSCF1109.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I never in a million years thought I would be living my life without my shadow, Wilbur. I had mentally prepared myself for Pickles as she was approaching but not him. He was my soulmate, my love, my life. He loved me so much and guarded me, always with me. I miss him beyond words.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAD6uRq8M8_y8kSr5yujDLAYN4wdzvf5u8tbf62gk0YobN5BkYOeC-m0b1UY33U2aRkCeMKp8D_JEIxK3Tx3kVPJ92ns-3DcGBoB7K3MIFLhjYLrapO47S8iIxVULQVkiTzMEFA8bl48c/s1600/051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAD6uRq8M8_y8kSr5yujDLAYN4wdzvf5u8tbf62gk0YobN5BkYOeC-m0b1UY33U2aRkCeMKp8D_JEIxK3Tx3kVPJ92ns-3DcGBoB7K3MIFLhjYLrapO47S8iIxVULQVkiTzMEFA8bl48c/s320/051.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dpIx3tk_2DQE9JFC356bvjQPIFcDvw_dZOr17v9JPTdzX2Iu3GrKb8kBvrHa75cxPuVkUqkg09DW0XKCa7rGG5NdwUqN9jes1OMRnAT4AGcuS9DDd6CPErL5q-L8kYzaEJfPN6RHHJ4/s1600/049.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dpIx3tk_2DQE9JFC356bvjQPIFcDvw_dZOr17v9JPTdzX2Iu3GrKb8kBvrHa75cxPuVkUqkg09DW0XKCa7rGG5NdwUqN9jes1OMRnAT4AGcuS9DDd6CPErL5q-L8kYzaEJfPN6RHHJ4/s320/049.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOTH85FUVviX3B0zq71YmSd_9DBoKfhpAkqKpi82zKIqov08UJnZiPd7zEdwS2bYRBm611fbJUNU0HPAwsR32uMl6FoD_nNM8bH-7ztn2EoFeJ42a8h8YM4EjN8T9n6_WXUJwZrhgpilY/s1600/DSCF1632.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOTH85FUVviX3B0zq71YmSd_9DBoKfhpAkqKpi82zKIqov08UJnZiPd7zEdwS2bYRBm611fbJUNU0HPAwsR32uMl6FoD_nNM8bH-7ztn2EoFeJ42a8h8YM4EjN8T9n6_WXUJwZrhgpilY/s320/DSCF1632.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>My children grew up in the decade I was ill fighting cancer and now they are adults and have left or are about to leave. I feel as though my soul has been crushed.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Ur1YFqC7JoKd4mxnqLrrMz0kwKz9kJ7e3nonOJhPXRQHO_YzjpxD66Sv2CRGs0BqttS9P2ikd0sjdVGfQkR-ASfXzI5HANFJp1i0_gEqgKqd93zZFrhjJfHwsk7Nt6cTsnU-jbgMbC8/s1600/DSCF1123.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Ur1YFqC7JoKd4mxnqLrrMz0kwKz9kJ7e3nonOJhPXRQHO_YzjpxD66Sv2CRGs0BqttS9P2ikd0sjdVGfQkR-ASfXzI5HANFJp1i0_gEqgKqd93zZFrhjJfHwsk7Nt6cTsnU-jbgMbC8/s320/DSCF1123.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZWYD8aVZWTux16Z7QrXFgYUvGjcTuXvI12EO2PAgTq-6m25B73_kb6C2fNYOb127X5-q68v1wTCVh2sZcLolzQeoV4lfiMt5xBaDPtUINuLSdEcJ1tGUSJL7vedyXfti_kMK6L173gRE/s1600/Dopy+Mac.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1159" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZWYD8aVZWTux16Z7QrXFgYUvGjcTuXvI12EO2PAgTq-6m25B73_kb6C2fNYOb127X5-q68v1wTCVh2sZcLolzQeoV4lfiMt5xBaDPtUINuLSdEcJ1tGUSJL7vedyXfti_kMK6L173gRE/s320/Dopy+Mac.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhRwX2G0ZmLaA53PCAqHLxQLPrMn1LxAvKo9_aHvSSoVoJafc3etShjcemATGXlIlK_-6yz_CKmT2Zxzk2nPWw8rYxoQNtVO0vo9JfJ9Ktj5ioO0RwZ-O2DdOkqGaT4rZPecL98vzYlBw/s1020/Betty+%2526+Shilo%252C+Mark+and+Jenny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1020" data-original-width="1008" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhRwX2G0ZmLaA53PCAqHLxQLPrMn1LxAvKo9_aHvSSoVoJafc3etShjcemATGXlIlK_-6yz_CKmT2Zxzk2nPWw8rYxoQNtVO0vo9JfJ9Ktj5ioO0RwZ-O2DdOkqGaT4rZPecL98vzYlBw/s320/Betty+%2526+Shilo%252C+Mark+and+Jenny.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJdSwA5XHAsPYfO83lFsheVd1ICBy4dwlgHuGxYN_RPD8x4U8tRFxGWlRJOm6a5xAlnVctmKgGQ56_ykPbxBbjlAZsrJ1xwuPw1qEE-6biDITmYf0QcnX9noTpS5lNFC_eGqtj3CvqPYs/s1600/DSCF0113.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJdSwA5XHAsPYfO83lFsheVd1ICBy4dwlgHuGxYN_RPD8x4U8tRFxGWlRJOm6a5xAlnVctmKgGQ56_ykPbxBbjlAZsrJ1xwuPw1qEE-6biDITmYf0QcnX9noTpS5lNFC_eGqtj3CvqPYs/s320/DSCF0113.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjkqptZXTb3b_iQmJxYHy0IbPeAUiKLE7jRaeOIebqn1sGW_fEmXINQg_IG7a5tzrndD9RM4e7jPlCiYLWI19rTL4npHD9saFNjn5JYD7dFqAGoz-CyykEFToYAZwTplfOm3fqGMI3G_g/s1600/DSCF0050.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjkqptZXTb3b_iQmJxYHy0IbPeAUiKLE7jRaeOIebqn1sGW_fEmXINQg_IG7a5tzrndD9RM4e7jPlCiYLWI19rTL4npHD9saFNjn5JYD7dFqAGoz-CyykEFToYAZwTplfOm3fqGMI3G_g/s320/DSCF0050.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-uuJIDbne0TbXRwW6Gdf3-yKb73YPQY03bLrqyPpA39MRpNUFneMEMLDLjdHjPo4ckpYdqDn__-DWVYH6GgIzz0gGtKx0EJMsI4_X8SII3KjnzOxTj4rmBdzySCz5IO28ysQyKzLDsg/s1600/DSCF2187.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-uuJIDbne0TbXRwW6Gdf3-yKb73YPQY03bLrqyPpA39MRpNUFneMEMLDLjdHjPo4ckpYdqDn__-DWVYH6GgIzz0gGtKx0EJMsI4_X8SII3KjnzOxTj4rmBdzySCz5IO28ysQyKzLDsg/s320/DSCF2187.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>So many losses in my life. So many things that I have had to grieve for.<p></p><p>I live in constant pain and it makes me tired. I get drunk so that I can escape this world just for the night. </p><p>I hate life.</p><p>There is nothing I look forward to doing anymore. I dont want to do anything or see anyone.</p><p>I cant read books anymore or listen to music. I go out to places but the no longer bring me joy or happiness.</p><p>I feel as though I have no future left.</p><p>I hit crisis today because work are talking about return to office and I dont want to go back to what it was. I dont want to sit on reception as a sitting target for infection I dont want to be around people anymore.</p><p>I am struggling.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-78114763249903308362021-04-13T12:53:00.000-07:002021-04-13T12:53:08.453-07:00Well What A Year!<p> 2020 started off fantastically with me finally having my last breast surgery to make nipples then the Gathering at Llandudno only to be struck by the Covid pandemic.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUWAHnQ3ak0qH9DD0izAykcFsLzE2bwTVtwy-z5gJ2qhTBHqjCWWjm55-OhDk5Bhbrh7t_1vf9MuA7I-Fwq3rRewsSwUwbDvBDAKVkhEBiQE8ArtXqvWkcHJ3huuoVA62ggULsRGPz2ck/s2048/20191220_105507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1095" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUWAHnQ3ak0qH9DD0izAykcFsLzE2bwTVtwy-z5gJ2qhTBHqjCWWjm55-OhDk5Bhbrh7t_1vf9MuA7I-Fwq3rRewsSwUwbDvBDAKVkhEBiQE8ArtXqvWkcHJ3huuoVA62ggULsRGPz2ck/s320/20191220_105507.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Along with many others all over the world I had to learn a new way of working and living. I converted my grooming shed into an office and that has been my base for more than a year.<p></p><p>Shortly after going into lockdown my colleagues were furloughed. This included my manager leaving myself and the facilities manager to represent our department. That really was a stressful time for me, not only with the fear of the virus, learning a new way to work, making up new systems and learning parts of my colleagues job.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijW6kfXWhhzBWcATJrtwTyRN2d6csj_WHd6yFjsi4amtT1exi2gCamIRQPojbuZVWBY65P9QAmPc1ZID6Rw6atQDScTpYLb8Tfz_QmIqvrwI2ULqYEC6ag51dfG-aM_BHdoWiNBDvjXNM/s496/1348f566522597a8aa50ab090ebce986.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="496" data-original-width="494" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijW6kfXWhhzBWcATJrtwTyRN2d6csj_WHd6yFjsi4amtT1exi2gCamIRQPojbuZVWBY65P9QAmPc1ZID6Rw6atQDScTpYLb8Tfz_QmIqvrwI2ULqYEC6ag51dfG-aM_BHdoWiNBDvjXNM/s320/1348f566522597a8aa50ab090ebce986.jpg" /></a></div><i><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Credit to Pintrest</b></i></div></i><p></p><p>I was completely broken by the time their furlough was over. My mind was beyond tired and my nerves were frazzled. I had three weeks annual leave, the first was spent recovering and the last two were with my husband home based.</p><p>After Christmas which was completely ruined by the pandemic I at last have been able to adapt to this new way of working. Mainly because everyone is back at work and things are starting to pick up.</p><p>During 2020 I suffered two very great losses. My beloved companion and shadow Wilbur suffered a short and sudden illness and died leaving me lonely and bereft. Six weeks later, Pickles died in my arms.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieBRcxzxSWEVvOdvF8HrRHcQXo6dPczbn2wepm4wKCIJ_R1u25Pea9ebDRhrlU9VIGMGOdagbwBGaIoQwaGaAKvGQ1pmrrImCDosrDgUBbwjR3GBwEN6obuXsWk157HXVqd7aV6Latxbw/s2048/20200328_134558.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieBRcxzxSWEVvOdvF8HrRHcQXo6dPczbn2wepm4wKCIJ_R1u25Pea9ebDRhrlU9VIGMGOdagbwBGaIoQwaGaAKvGQ1pmrrImCDosrDgUBbwjR3GBwEN6obuXsWk157HXVqd7aV6Latxbw/s320/20200328_134558.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilLsfH3qpF0-5ezmWKjR3vX-P7PdGXH76JGJ-VQfd6HGRViym_-Nu7iQub0874iPrjGF3DIhdlDjxGYccGh-HjLF0BNPKICUIniCScn61y1fpu2O2-d8jApLR-_bwcCbKfMkt9p8Rzgr0/s2048/20190402_210959.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilLsfH3qpF0-5ezmWKjR3vX-P7PdGXH76JGJ-VQfd6HGRViym_-Nu7iQub0874iPrjGF3DIhdlDjxGYccGh-HjLF0BNPKICUIniCScn61y1fpu2O2-d8jApLR-_bwcCbKfMkt9p8Rzgr0/s320/20190402_210959.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Lots of big adjustments and changes so its no wonder I am suffering from anxiety and struggling to do even the simplest things.</p><p>I feel that I have turned a corner though and while I have quite a way to go I am on the right road to recovery. I started back with Weight Watchers three weeks ago and my mind set seems to be in the right place and I am even managing to exercise more. Only walking at the moment but Rome wasnt built in a day and in the future I aim to be running, road marching and weight training again.</p><p>I hope to get back into blogging too so lets hope that this is the first of many to come.<br /></p>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-7616160523101626412020-11-09T08:26:00.001-08:002020-11-09T08:26:45.422-08:00Time is all we have<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDnI9ZFqlXCiFNuQEteA6U1k-w5hDkDcjxxjrY5a-XXiBUDHlmhYsVi56A1QM9REIDtJGzbETi3Di63qlZLBd8HDM26cUUngji60Y1E7u0aTZdDITCotGPbrZPM2KTbcen2DtCgNGvTEo/s800/0dd0f197d12ac9f08fbfb4f459e4ba60.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDnI9ZFqlXCiFNuQEteA6U1k-w5hDkDcjxxjrY5a-XXiBUDHlmhYsVi56A1QM9REIDtJGzbETi3Di63qlZLBd8HDM26cUUngji60Y1E7u0aTZdDITCotGPbrZPM2KTbcen2DtCgNGvTEo/s320/0dd0f197d12ac9f08fbfb4f459e4ba60.jpg" /></a></div><br /> Looking at my blog I can see that I haven't been so good at posting! Life is so busy and the days turn into months and then years and before you know where you are a whole decade has passed.<p></p><p>2020 hasn't been a great year for anyone in the world, its been horrendous with Covid19 and trying to find a new normal.</p><p>Its been a nightmare for me on a personal level. Dealing with working at home, colleagues being furloughed has messed with my head. Add to that the sudden death of my beloved dog Wilbur after a short illness then six weeks later my darling Pickles and you won't be surprised that I have hit the booze more than I would like to admit.</p><p>There! I said it! I have confessed and how good does that feel.</p><p>So today I woke with another horrible hang over, I looked back at my weekend and realised that wine had stolen it from me.</p><p>No more.</p><p>Today is a fresh start towards a healthier me.</p>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-65437178737259537842020-06-18T04:25:00.001-07:002020-06-18T04:25:25.634-07:00Virtual MeetingsThis morning I had two "virtual" meetings. The first was a section catch up which was over quite quickly and the second was my team meeting which we have twice a week. <div><br /></div><div>These are done on an online platform which works really well. I think this is the way forward for meeting, much better than the old telephone skype messenger systems back in my "buyer" days which is when I remember the technology starting to advance.</div><div><br /></div><div>I look forward to our twice weekly meetings even though the one at the start of the week has begun to get a bit grim with serious faces (must be that Monday feeling). By Thursday/Friday with the weekend approaching things are more like they are in real life. We usually have a quiz but I think that has fallen by the way side which is a shame because while I am tied to my laptop in my shed its something I enjoy putting together and look forward to some light relief from my seclusion. Maybe next week or maybe just I myself will do the quiz.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today has been busy with hotel cancellations, home workers requesting stationery, reviewing stationery admin..... I like it when its busy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiXSDwHJFqpeuADgI_iTrilnN050SjRGv9Q3rHb3gfaUy1gCQ7WaBM3j8Y1aa7k-7mWxq4M1Wdjecy8qqBp1b0w8D2YIN9ZnTGQtCEoxgfifk1mZ9v-hcX3NJk3bOkaeY0zdLNLez3zZM/s430/rossett_mill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="325" data-original-width="430" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiXSDwHJFqpeuADgI_iTrilnN050SjRGv9Q3rHb3gfaUy1gCQ7WaBM3j8Y1aa7k-7mWxq4M1Wdjecy8qqBp1b0w8D2YIN9ZnTGQtCEoxgfifk1mZ9v-hcX3NJk3bOkaeY0zdLNLez3zZM/s320/rossett_mill.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>The weather has broken here in the UK. Thankfully the humidity of the past few days has gone but rain has fallen continuously through the morning.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGbN39LqDxmQwl9WVIR5qyudJOyViK8dCXsyjGmLeM4T6MXKWcMVoDhb5zcgiJDHA2EraP1xplaAXy2yQ_jC2WFGmD7GaeY9OVPPQn-PESRi9KrNhURXqNzPpvEcNEf0yfki2d6IUVlok/s1600/DSCF0070.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGbN39LqDxmQwl9WVIR5qyudJOyViK8dCXsyjGmLeM4T6MXKWcMVoDhb5zcgiJDHA2EraP1xplaAXy2yQ_jC2WFGmD7GaeY9OVPPQn-PESRi9KrNhURXqNzPpvEcNEf0yfki2d6IUVlok/s320/DSCF0070.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>Last night at 9pm I made the decision to clip my Mini Schnauzer Wilbur. He is over 12 years old and had recently had surgery for a tumour on his gum. A heart murmur was discovered and since the start of the year his behaviour has changed..... much more clingy to me, heavy breathing etc. Last night he was panting. Hadn't wanted to clip him previously because of his sore gums but last night I couldn't watch him suffer. Anyhow, today he is covered up with a fleece blanket and my heater is on. This country's weather system is crazy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLOpUA6xwYKH08zVeqE3Es8AIx5A8mIohCXdCGEBocDPATEJ4FiElphugz3K9Cum9dhhD7nqSTqHnDnI88uZZCBJnmjXd6OTbDaslWzck-G1HnlQmUsaWYalgOJ9e7GI9hldZ2L-G44r8/s2646/IMG_20170714_083000_201.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2646" data-original-width="2646" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLOpUA6xwYKH08zVeqE3Es8AIx5A8mIohCXdCGEBocDPATEJ4FiElphugz3K9Cum9dhhD7nqSTqHnDnI88uZZCBJnmjXd6OTbDaslWzck-G1HnlQmUsaWYalgOJ9e7GI9hldZ2L-G44r8/s320/IMG_20170714_083000_201.jpg" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-69256482488312299972020-06-17T01:23:00.000-07:002020-06-17T01:25:56.082-07:00A New Dawn<div>I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.</div><div><br /></div><div>Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.</div><div><br /></div><div>My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.</div><div><br /></div><div>The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.</div><div><br /></div><div>So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8lGyVs7jrhhpYwkNgnNeix2Niog11IQLIAOYNeTO-xwK7IMOREU5yTxkwTM-ju3V3pjjtIfb4Tx1dzfm6EPoDzipVqAHguRPV6VeCuNLmAl7IhI4kMLe4M1-L-La3HCFr7LEo6a7QDko/s5312/20170606_125015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5312" data-original-width="2988" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8lGyVs7jrhhpYwkNgnNeix2Niog11IQLIAOYNeTO-xwK7IMOREU5yTxkwTM-ju3V3pjjtIfb4Tx1dzfm6EPoDzipVqAHguRPV6VeCuNLmAl7IhI4kMLe4M1-L-La3HCFr7LEo6a7QDko/s320/20170606_125015.jpg" /></a></div>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-56724451453164313702020-06-16T14:52:00.000-07:002020-06-16T14:52:22.274-07:00Lockdown WalesI don't know why I haven't resurrected my blog sooner. Coronavirus has caused us to lockdown and blogging about it is a bit of therapy and boy do I need therapy right now.<div><br /></div><div>I was starting to come out of my darkness when this pandemic struck and we were put into lockdown. </div><div><br /></div><div>At first it was quite novel working from home but 3 months in and I feel as though someone is drawing their nails down a chalk board.</div><div><br /></div><div>I feel trapped, like a caged tiger and I need this lockdown to end.send </div>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-38974612863407668352019-11-26T12:36:00.000-08:002019-11-26T12:36:37.155-08:00FeelingsIs there a new moon tonight?<br />
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If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.<br />
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I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.<br />
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My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.<br />
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The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.<br />
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So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.<br />
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That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.<br />
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So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.<br />
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These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-10302542578123636402018-03-02T07:45:00.000-08:002018-03-02T07:45:24.005-08:00Well That's an AchievementI haven't been near a swimming pool for years. After my 2015 and 3rd battle with breast cancer left me horribly scarred and disfigured, I have struggled with anything that might mean exposing my body.<br />
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Although my reconstruction last April was a success because of my 2015 experience they were not able to do a normal job. My plastic surgeon explained that i am a work in progress. I know that I have more surgeries ahead of me but I can't think that far ahead.<br />
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So... Following our house flood we are back at Llyndir Hall Hotel and it's got a pool.<br />
<br />
Today, I ventured into the pool and had a little swim.<br />
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It was a shock to experience how weak my body has become but at least now I have made this first step back to my normality i can aim to get stronger and fitter at a slow pace.<br />
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Today, I feel accomplished.<br />
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Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-27653611866858920462017-10-15T06:13:00.001-07:002017-10-15T06:13:58.626-07:00No One Ever Tells You....<p dir="ltr">No-one ever tells you how hard it is to let your children go. It's one of those taboo subjects that never gets talked about.</p>
<p dir="ltr">To see them leave home, fully independent hurts like nothing ever experienced before. It's like having your heart ripped out.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The fact that they don't need you anymore. The fact that once you were the centre of their world and now you're not.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Oh the tears they flow and my heart it hurts.</p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-54687492030552046182017-07-29T00:50:00.001-07:002017-07-29T00:50:32.997-07:00Did That Really Happen?<p dir="ltr">I am struggling with life at the moment. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You would think that being cancer free and having had successful breast reconstruction that my life would be peachy..... but its not.</p>
<p dir="ltr">My way of dealing with bad things in life is to not think about it, just crack on with life and keep smiling but I guess its not the best way to deal with things especially if it puts you in the position I am in today.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This morning, my mind has been wandering and it suddenly hit me, just for a moment because thats all my mind allowed me, the enormity of what's happened to me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It was like having a cold shower.</p>
<p dir="ltr">It was as though I was standing at a window looking at someone elses life.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Did that all really happen to me? Is this new body really mine?</p>
<p dir="ltr">The mind is a funny thing in the way it protects you.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I guess that now is the time for me to accept that what happened, actually did so that I can heal and put the past back in its place where it needs to be.</p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-60406607898159161762017-04-24T06:43:00.000-07:002017-04-24T06:43:01.739-07:00Wow Life Moves Fast<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am currently two and a half weeks post reconstructive surgery. Yeah! Didn't see that coming did ya? Neither did I!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I had put the thoughts of reconstruction to the back of my mind, I hadn't decided what to do and was struggling with making a decision based on the horror and trauma I suffered at the hands of Chester hospital.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Two letters arrived ... and within a short space of time I had made my decision to accept the challenge and take the opportunity that had presented itself. Reconstruction.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I opted for a <a href="http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/reconstruction/types/autologous/diep">free flap </a><a href="http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/reconstruction/types/autologous/diep">diep</a> procedure which basically means I got a tummy tuck and they made new boobs out of my tummy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I was petrified when I went for my pre-op, even more so when I was told that my surgeon had been changed from Mr Graham to <a href="https://www.spirehealthcare.com/consultant-profiles/miss-rieka-taghizadeh-c4743910/">Ms </a><a href="https://www.spirehealthcare.com/consultant-profiles/miss-rieka-taghizadeh-c4743910/">Taghizadeh</a>. However Mr Bennett who was part of the surgical team allayed my fears, he spent so much time with me explaining what would happen and reassuring me about the surgeon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">One thing that every plastic surgeon I have spoken too since Chester Hospital horror is that radiated tissue and implants do not work well together. That is the subject of another post though.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Ms Taghizadeh couldn't believe the state I had been left in, questioning the stitch mark scars and told me that I was a project. She reassured me that she would do her best for me and I believed her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I was prepped for a 12 to 14 hour operation. The anaesthetist gave me the talk about all of the horrors one could experience after such a long operation but he needn't have bothered because Ms Taghizadeh broke her record and the hospital record by completing my op in 6 hours. I swear my mum had my back that day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The pain was immense and being hooked up to four drains was a bit of a nightmare. The heated blanket post surgery was hell and I felt as though I was being cooked. The nurses monitored me relentlessly making sure that the grafts didn't fail.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">So here I am, on the mend with new boobs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I never ever could have believed that reconstruction would do so much to lift my spirits but I honestly feel as though I have my life back and that I can finally close the painful chapter that was my cancer.</span></div>
<br />Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-70874263463658199292017-03-02T12:46:00.002-08:002017-03-02T12:46:24.441-08:00Wisdom Comes with Age<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I always wondered why my wonderful mother was so wise and had good advice to give me. I literally feel as though I have become my mother, although to my mind I will never be as wise as her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mum always had great advice at hand for dealing with my children and I think thats one of the things I miss the most now that she is gone. That and being able to talk to her and let off steam and her knowing exactly how I feel without me saying one word and despite the fact I have a false smile on my face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I understand how she became so wise...... Life! Life is what made her wise. With each event in your life be it good or bad, you grow and you adapt and you become that much stronger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then all of a sudden, you hit a point when you realise that you are giving out advice to others and helping them with their problems. You are offering those wise little quotes to help another cope with something in their life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of my mums favourite sayings and one of mine too.... " You have to learn to bend in the wind..." Basically, a supple tree bends in the wind so that it doesn't snap, a rigid pole will break in two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have learnt to bend in the wind, I have weathered a fair few storms and hurricanes during my life and if I hadn't learnt to adapt and change I would have snapped in two long ago.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Life is good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Life is precious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are blessed.</span>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-34933964857704542722017-02-24T10:15:00.002-08:002017-02-24T10:19:07.944-08:00Welcome to the New Year<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I hadn't realised that it was so long since my last blog post. Being without a computer doesn't help and while I enjoyed blogging on my smart phone, the fact that the software kept failing made it slightly annoying.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">Its only February and already so much has happened in this year, far too much to talk about in one post and really, I don't know where to start!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">So far, we have been blessed with a mild and dry winter which has been a blessing. Its meant that Cola has had winter turn out and that has made life a lot easier for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">Storm Doris yesterday kept Cola was in for the day but he didn't seem to mind that as long as he had a continual supply of meadow hay.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">As we approach spring I am filled with new hope for the future even though looking ahead fills me with fear these days. I have been signed off by the oncologist and for the first time in 8 years I really do feel that cancer is done with me. I only have to see the surgeons one more time at the end of the year and I will be written off as cured. I still don't understand why because my last cancer was 2 years ago but because that is considered a recurrence it isn't counted. In my book cancer is cancer but I am so fed up of hospitals and treatment and based on my own instincts and the fact I have no breasts left I am happy to wave bye bye to this part of my life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">I am considering NOT having reconstruction but accepting my life flat. I have joined a group called flat friends and they are giving me the confidence to be as I am now and not pretend to be as I was.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">The reconstruction operation I would need would take up to 12 hours to perform and the outcome would be an A cup or at best a B..... Having been an FF I really don't see why I should put my body through such surgery and waste more of my life in recovery just for a tiny minuscule pair of boobs. Instead I am focusing on losing a stone in weight, toning my body up and that way I won't look too bad living flat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">I will try to blog a little more frequently from now on, its quite therapeutic writing my thoughts down and sharing them, my hope is that I can help someone along the way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">I </span><br />
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<br />Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-23146975773142157322016-12-11T09:18:00.001-08:002016-12-11T09:18:04.912-08:00If You Can Dream It.....<p dir="ltr">...... you can do it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I wear a silver thumb ring with that inscription. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Today I was encouraged to look at myself... to think aboutmy biggest fears and to challenge them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">My biggest fear is failure.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Failure to be a good mum, daughter, wife, person...... everything really and the trouble with this is that I get to set the standards which are unbelievable high.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I then looked at my thumb ring and considered the inscription and realised that my fear was holding all of my dreams back.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I then thought of how I encourage youngsters to reach for their dreams because they can do it and realised that I was giving advice that I can't follow because of my fear.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So I am going to focus on overcoming my fear and start to reach for the stars with both hands.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So what is your fear? Are you going to challenge it too?</p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-90807897154795898512016-10-29T04:17:00.001-07:002016-12-06T08:40:02.278-08:00Meet My Guardian Angel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLxpLYxW5s9gORNhM8ipzVpNSquDsBpP2EHre8ZtRUV3bXqSlzwtRhhJe5IgPncMksJn1HFERUWtHGh6qFmA-0qu7mUfiV-jcE5utD78elG7mZszhCPqT1u9aU5khWBeSws1cy1cKYME/s1600/received_358873780976561.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLxpLYxW5s9gORNhM8ipzVpNSquDsBpP2EHre8ZtRUV3bXqSlzwtRhhJe5IgPncMksJn1HFERUWtHGh6qFmA-0qu7mUfiV-jcE5utD78elG7mZszhCPqT1u9aU5khWBeSws1cy1cKYME/s320/received_358873780976561.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is Cola, he's my Fell pony and my best friend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Cola is 25 years old. Last year he was diagnosed with <a href="https://www.prascend.com/">Cushings disease</a>. Since then, he has been taking prascend and last week he had blood tests done which shows that the disease is under control. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">To be honest with you, he doesn't look like a typical Cushings horse because he has a shiny coat which is normal in thickness and not at all curly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">He has a bad back, or hips to be precise but I am so lucky to have a friend who is a Mctimoney practitioner. When doing her training, she used Cola as a guineapig especially as he had a complicated and very old injury. Since then she has been treating him on a regular basis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">C of Equine Outline is amazing. Cola has gone from hiding in the corner of his stable when he sees her to loving it. Today was no exception although only a minor twinge was there in his hips. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">His physio Jess Jones is also a friend and stable mate, she works her magic on him and has made great progress. Using physio and McTimoney together has definitely worked for my old boy.</span></div>
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<br />Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-46464230757614810312016-10-28T06:38:00.001-07:002016-10-28T06:44:13.814-07:00Me<p dir="ltr">All of my life I have struggled with personal image. Too ugly, ears like a monkey, stick legs, fat legs.... you name it and I have thought it about myself.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Then this disease started battling with me and it robbed me of the few things that I actually liked about myself like my long slim fingers, my hair, my boobs.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Recently I had a minor op and I have had to use a special cream. One day as I was using the cream it just struck me that in actual fact... my body wasn't me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I know this sounds daft and crazy but my body really isn't me. It's a house for my soul and it allows me to live on this mortal plain.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am the caretaker of this house which works very hard to serve my soul and the least I can do is love, admire and respect it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">My poor body has been hated and disliked for so many years and yet it's fought incredibly hard to keep functioning for my sake.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I must have business to deal with on earth before my soul is set free.</p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-13553895912969519052016-09-28T07:29:00.001-07:002016-09-28T07:30:09.840-07:00Modern Mindfulness <p dir="ltr">Sitting in my car with a cup of coffee, watching the cars and vans whoosh past on the highway above me.... People living their lives and going about their daily business.</p>
<p dir="ltr">We live in such stressful times where money is king and technology is its queen. Technology which allows us to connect and yet be unconnected in all but a few special cases.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So absorbed in the royalty so confined and defined by them we forget our true purpose in life and with that, the real meaning.</p>
<p dir="ltr">To help us feel connected we take part in mindfulness exercises, designed to help us relax in the minimum amount of time in order to maximise our useful purpose in the machine that is society.</p>
<p dir="ltr">How did our for bearers live without such a system?</p>
<p dir="ltr">They practiced mindfulness throughout their daily lives. No machine to wash clothes so they used boards and stones to scrub and scrub... No bread machines or ready sliced loaves to buy from the local tesco so they would pummel and knead and bake....</p>
<p dir="ltr">Although poor in pocket they were rich in spirit.</p>
<p dir="ltr">How I wish life could once again be that <u>simple</u></p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-83607841540628951232016-09-22T00:44:00.001-07:002016-09-22T00:44:50.180-07:00Sunny Days and Autumn Breeze<p dir="ltr">As I lie here contemplating my day, I am blessed with bird song and sun together with a crisp autumn breeze. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Life is a treasure.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I haven't posted for a while. The black dog has had me firmly in his grip. Anxiety levels have been extreme, self doubt, self hate and feeling unworthy.</p>
<p dir="ltr">It's a hard and constant fight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Going out of the door in the morning is a struggle although nobody would guess it because they are greeted with a smile and merry chatter but gosh.... the pretence is exhausting so socialising in the evening is something that I avoid these days.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Some friends will understand this and quietly accept the stormy sea I am travelling with a watchful eye ready to cast out a life boat if necessary and every now and again, showing me their light to remind me of their presence. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Other friends don't understand why my journey is so difficult or why I haven't called into their port yet. They see the mighty waves I am battling as mere sea.... but they haven't encountered the devilish waves sent to scupper me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is my journey though and I must concentrate on my course and keeping my battered ship intact.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I appreciate my beacons for they offer hope. The impatient ports can wait for I am not sure that I will ever dock there even when I find more settled seas.</p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-21829008874691896632016-08-03T08:25:00.001-07:002016-08-03T08:25:47.549-07:00Bleedin Ears<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A simple little tidy up for my number 3 dog Snowy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">All was going really well and she was enjoying the experience. Normally I have to hand scissor her head but today she let me clip it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Ear one done....ear two... disaster, something moved, she darted her head around then there was blood..... lots of blood.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Quickly reached for the polyroll and applied pressure. Too much blood. Quickly got my first aid kit out, applied styptic powder then a bandage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">After an hour it was starting to heal but the little monkey got the bandage off and hey presto... lots of blood.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Trip to the vet. Saw an amazing vet who was lovely and praised my actions and my dressings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Snowy is now sporting a camo bandage with a cone of shame. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">He wants to stitch it but its a tiny nick, smaller than a grain of rice so I think it will be ok to heal on its own.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Poor Snowy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I feel so awful about it but these things happen.</span></div>
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<br />Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-84130500482097131382016-06-08T07:15:00.001-07:002016-06-08T07:15:11.808-07:0030 Days Wild<p dir="ltr">30 Days Wild is an invitation to everyone to enjoy nature in some way during the month of June. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I enjoy this little challenge although I do feel a bit of a cheat because I love in a semi rural village and I have a horse and dogs so nature is part of my life.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Taking part in this challenge makes me aware of how lucky I am to live where I live and to say a prayer of gratitude for that fact along with my faculties to enjoy them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I have fallen behind with my 30 day wild tweets so this is what I have done.</p>
<p dir="ltr">1. Signed up to the big bee count and logged sightings of any bees I have spotted in my garden.</p>
<p dir="ltr">2. While out on my Fell pony I stopped my mind and listened to the music of the countryside.... birds song and the wind in the trees.</p>
<p dir="ltr">3. I giggled when the baby Swallow popped it's bottom out of its next to have a poop then snuggled back in again.</p>
<p dir="ltr">4. Noticing just how many types of grasses there are. Their texture and size.</p>
<p dir="ltr">5. Walking bare foot in the garden and recognising the sensations of hot, cold, soft and hard.</p>
<p dir="ltr">6. Watching a male black bird sqawke around for hours trying to find his mate. He did this until he lost his voice and didn't care a jot about the resident cats.</p>
<p dir="ltr">7. I sat in my bedroom watching the trees through the window and made shapes up in my head. </p>
<p dir="ltr">8. I ran along a country lane appreciating the scents of nature.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Many lovely things to do and lots to be grateful for. </p>
Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-45050750676058967532016-05-15T04:46:00.002-07:002016-05-15T04:46:30.086-07:00It's a Bra Thing<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No matter what surgeries I have had on my breasts, wearing a bra was/is painful. Not, Oh my God reach for the painkillers sort of painful but just annoyingly so.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The problem has become even more of an issue following my double mastectomy and failed reconstruction so I have opted for prosthetic free days. The problem with this is because I had failed reconstruction, I am left with holes... well... not actual holes but the surgeon described them as "dishes" and that's what they are like. This means that my tummy looks even fatter!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">In desperation I decided to give <a href="http://www.nicolajane.com/">Nicola Jane</a> a go and ordered a couple of everyday TShirt bras. Well... what a difference! They are the most comfortable bras I have ever worn AND they make my prosthetics look nice. (Although I do miss the look of my F boobs).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">It's come to something when I no longer shout "where's my glasses" instead I shout "where's my boobs". I'</span><span style="font-family: Arial;">m ready for reconstruction now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I saw the plastic surgeon in Liverpool last August. I haven't heard from them since so a quick phone call confirmed that I haven't been lost, I am still on the list!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I want to put cancer behind me and I can't do that with the hideous deformity I have been left with. The amputation scars are brutal and horrid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I know that I will never have proper boobs again, they will never look normal but they will be a lot more normal than the battle ground I have been left with.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The plan is to have tattoo designs across my chest. Why would I go for a 3D nipple tattoo because that would be me pretending that these boobs are real and are what I was meant to be. I want to have something pretty to hide the inevitable scars and signify my journey and the strength life has given me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">If anyone has any ideas please feel free to comment.</span></div>
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<img class="mainImage" data-bm="74" height="200" src="http://www.tattooers.net/tattoo/495/tattoo-breast-flower.jpg" width="150" /><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-22558229429637818672016-04-24T05:29:00.000-07:002016-04-24T05:29:09.349-07:00Fab at Fifty??? I am an Old Crone<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that I was looking forward to being "Fab at Forty".... I must say that my forties have been completely and utterly horrid. That said, I don't want to hit fifty in December but I its a fact that its going to happen (thank goodness because that means I am still alive) so I might as well do it and be fab!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">At this point in my life I feel as though I have got to where I am meant to be. I still don't have all of the answers and I still take each step as it comes but now I can do so with new found confidence and wisdom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">There are three phases to a woman.... The girl or "maiden", the mother and the crone. I have been catapaulted into <a href="http://sandiegotherapists.com/threestages.html">the crone phase</a> with my cancer treatmens and it sounds horrid doesn't it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">"you crone"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">What do you envisage when you hear or say the word crone?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">Is it......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span>Or.....<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well you are wrong..... A crone is this......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A crone is this......</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdxoRmlqeC0oAGWL22LChga-u73DiKK4dEdgKlJBcCb4FwVdHTwIlMke2ajecE5w5xE7MJ9hy_MwFjpvgH2bBfyklGGeKAEn7anbvQMYpUlTLzytR0x9kkdcnSLTIQ_Iylx8OSgiah4nM/s1600/nas.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdxoRmlqeC0oAGWL22LChga-u73DiKK4dEdgKlJBcCb4FwVdHTwIlMke2ajecE5w5xE7MJ9hy_MwFjpvgH2bBfyklGGeKAEn7anbvQMYpUlTLzytR0x9kkdcnSLTIQ_Iylx8OSgiah4nM/s1600/nas.gif" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO27vrrtKgH410pLDCp5sVEKuXrhE88RsS0f9jCrR05eaQO3-l_YAok1SwKRQp_xH4iNAYcyi-CkXEwrl6WiaAYixLZTU5E41i8xi5coLAR2iYzHM1TwvhvjfQOmEvoGPVDe3S0jvLQso/s1600/20150808_140333.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO27vrrtKgH410pLDCp5sVEKuXrhE88RsS0f9jCrR05eaQO3-l_YAok1SwKRQp_xH4iNAYcyi-CkXEwrl6WiaAYixLZTU5E41i8xi5coLAR2iYzHM1TwvhvjfQOmEvoGPVDe3S0jvLQso/s320/20150808_140333.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Life has been a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and even more downs but the ride has made me stronger and wiser.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Hell I am not perfect and I never will be because I am a human being but at least now I can see how wrong I was to compare myself to others, to try to be like other people, to do what other people do, to hide my true self because of fear of rejection.....l</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Yeah...... I am a crone. At first the thought scared the hell out of me, now I am happy with it. I am older and wiser but will anyone listen to me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Ah well, at the end of this year I am going to be flippin fab at 50.... I have said goodbye to cancer and now I am going to get back to where I was before it rudely interrupted.</span></div>
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Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-23595212127599467782016-03-13T13:33:00.000-07:002016-03-13T13:33:19.403-07:00Struggling<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been struggling of late.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thankfully I have been getting support from my GP and a counsellor at Nightingale House. I am trying to sort through my feelings and put them into some sort of order.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think that when I had my surgery last year I was in rush mode.. I didn't have time to think things through I just followed the advice I was given and made decisions in some sort of shocked zombie mode.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Had I had the luxury of time I am not sure that I would have made the same decisions.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However that is in the past now and its the future I must look to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Losing my mum was a huge blow. I honestly still can't believe she has gone and when the realisation hits me I feel physically sick to the core.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am wearing my prosthetics less and less now. They are not me, they are not part of me and for goodness sake they don't even look like my old boobs did!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am starting to err towards not having reconstructive surgery. I have had too many operations and radical treatments in a shortish space of time, I am not sure how much more either my body or my mind can take. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Other people have worse scars than me and have to have them on show, they have no choice. People look at me and think I am just a woman with a small chest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The thought of more major surgery and wasting more of my life on recovery just for aesthetic purposes doesn't float my boat at the moment. The scars are fading and I am getting used to them now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just want to focus on getting fit and healthy again and to be perfectly honest with you the fact that I have no boobs is actually quite nice. I no longer have to strap myself into a sports bra in order to run or ride my horse. I can do exercises without the whoppers getting in the way which they did quite alot and my back is less painful now the weight has gone from my chest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am enjoying life most of the time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week I came down from an incredible high to a low.... The lowest point was last Thursday when the black thoughts crept back into my mind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kind of know when I am slipping because when I look in the mirror I see ugliness, an ugly face, I hate what I see. The mind is a weird thing isn't it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One thing that I am coming to terms with, is the enormity of what I have been fighting. I have spent the last 7 years fighting for my life and in my head I have switched that notion off. Its as though I couldn't acknowledge just how serious a situation my health was in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am getting there slowly.... baby steps, always baby steps towards the greater goal.</span>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-49164079094483604532016-01-31T12:33:00.000-08:002016-01-31T12:33:04.013-08:00Over the Hump and Way to Go!!!!!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I haven't been writing much recently.... not because I haven't got anything to write about but because life has kind of sabotaged my emotions and my head has not been in a good place.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However, this weekend at The Gathering in Llandudno, I was asked why had I stopped writing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Later on in the day I retreated into my shed, I dimmed the lights and then I consulted my cards... I asked for guidance on where I should be going with my life and the cards I drew were guiding me towards healing and counselling through the medium of writing.... interesting!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have decided to try and make a habit of writing as often as I can because if it helps just one person with their battles in life then it has served its purpose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I must admit, I didn't think anyone read my ramblings which is another reason for not writing as much.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been experiencing some dark times emotionally and felt that I couldn't perform reiki or angel therapy but I see now that I should not have blocked myself and turned myself off, healing others with such beautiful energies in turn heals yourself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The title of this blog is a bit weird but I do feel as though I hit a hump and now I am over it and on a homeward stretch.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCQt8pmXChrwT_89Yw_6JXdjQg0HYmDmGGSe1khg58FdkrQBu9AQhLWx9Nl0pqlOecg4UR5yCTZZFosryBaNTErwA44xyOPtpmVtEcJTrWXcgtvRn_d6dRQDnhPN0vI2t3HvtPKN40VNw/s1600/hump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCQt8pmXChrwT_89Yw_6JXdjQg0HYmDmGGSe1khg58FdkrQBu9AQhLWx9Nl0pqlOecg4UR5yCTZZFosryBaNTErwA44xyOPtpmVtEcJTrWXcgtvRn_d6dRQDnhPN0vI2t3HvtPKN40VNw/s320/hump.jpg" width="277" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This weekend I had the privilege of watching the most amazing man in rock and roll perform over two nights. This man is battling cancer for the third time in his life.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnKtKM5g5eCcXHCjD4Nu_rjp5cGwCdWHU1VFq0iCRpmJhzCyHxGHaIazyE7LXvCUvbH3E47PIC6PCf5uZNh91nw1tjU-0Mju_KPbGtQPwV_JKuFGoTbGkeckn8FQDSN8aUyaGwOlKwgg/s1600/DSCF1295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnKtKM5g5eCcXHCjD4Nu_rjp5cGwCdWHU1VFq0iCRpmJhzCyHxGHaIazyE7LXvCUvbH3E47PIC6PCf5uZNh91nw1tjU-0Mju_KPbGtQPwV_JKuFGoTbGkeckn8FQDSN8aUyaGwOlKwgg/s320/DSCF1295.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Friends have commented about how Mike is dealing with this third cancer, maybe not doing so well with the chemo, maybe being more cautious..... I don't know, all I know is how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first time you are diagnosed is like hitting a wall at 100mph. You ask "why me?" then when the shock has worn off you just throw yourself into positivity and treatment because you know that "cancer ain't gonna beat you" (my first blog).</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYUyDz0Ovt1lw_0F4eB1dej9HN6FAYpigwStRWswNWYYgvaTv-Rge_jrRR1an74M-PjSucvYdAOZddPwfYjsFr479QMs5F-VmPUfTif1EOSLvLVpJo6-zLAeuE1nst99D12qObZ_bKxUI/s1600/why+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYUyDz0Ovt1lw_0F4eB1dej9HN6FAYpigwStRWswNWYYgvaTv-Rge_jrRR1an74M-PjSucvYdAOZddPwfYjsFr479QMs5F-VmPUfTif1EOSLvLVpJo6-zLAeuE1nst99D12qObZ_bKxUI/s320/why+me.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The second time you are diagnosed is like being pushed into a hedge and you feel slightly dazzled, winded and you think "this isn't fair" but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you throw yourself into positivity and treatment but now you feel as though you have a monkey on your back.....</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbd9x0X-39HVWSyCNV5qSIoYq8p9GQ0t2gwvG2J3y54-hs9CdBk7rBdb31vzQBuOFi4UXJGvSG_gpSjFJHK0DmT_upiDWc3VsxDWlNmEQR_43Eph8C_o8SvDhCTGiKxgUaoKULe0LtCrA/s1600/monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbd9x0X-39HVWSyCNV5qSIoYq8p9GQ0t2gwvG2J3y54-hs9CdBk7rBdb31vzQBuOFi4UXJGvSG_gpSjFJHK0DmT_upiDWc3VsxDWlNmEQR_43Eph8C_o8SvDhCTGiKxgUaoKULe0LtCrA/s1600/monkey.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things go well and you feel great with life then out of the blue you are given a third cancer diagnosis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This for me was like being beaten to the ground and given a good kicking. This time I metaphorically lay on the ground, dazed and shattered.... now this cancer thing is very real.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv_hZx_V7Xvwo0JrXfMqIgsfyVoxNSOMSs2JmxtT4faMZLNyFWd44V8s8ySKNIk5C4IuvPlB2LaV5yZ4_-zx1UATwwmZnKLpJGNMXrtoghYPVllylC3bkeGIFWhAMcoLed4otOTT3zqh4/s1600/kicked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv_hZx_V7Xvwo0JrXfMqIgsfyVoxNSOMSs2JmxtT4faMZLNyFWd44V8s8ySKNIk5C4IuvPlB2LaV5yZ4_-zx1UATwwmZnKLpJGNMXrtoghYPVllylC3bkeGIFWhAMcoLed4otOTT3zqh4/s320/kicked.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am lucky in that I have had surgery and treatment and can be considered in remission or cancer free..... but that third cancer diagnosis changes you deeply. You no longer feel invincible, theres that sword of Damocles hanging over your head......</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlXT-2e1Gku42AhP6M_n-slLPhSck7FCG6aJWsBrFZ8FzwjvG35IDyS6dPiptBjaY2zWngHktEedGMKqUYQgYx9GEAcRnabKfVkIx8vN1MUW4RF6gysgkr2ewWKvzeRHN4yiLRKauUZ_Y/s1600/damocles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlXT-2e1Gku42AhP6M_n-slLPhSck7FCG6aJWsBrFZ8FzwjvG35IDyS6dPiptBjaY2zWngHktEedGMKqUYQgYx9GEAcRnabKfVkIx8vN1MUW4RF6gysgkr2ewWKvzeRHN4yiLRKauUZ_Y/s320/damocles.jpg" width="231" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is not a morbid post..... I think that feeling this way is something that I have struggled with but now I realise that life is even more precious and each moment needs to count, each breath you take needs to be relished.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nobody knows what life has in store for them, there is no plan... Each new day of your life is a blank page and the future isn't known, you just have to keep turning the pages with faith and positivity.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>Photos bar 1 courtesy of Google Search</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427604651622643085.post-34711311218697167312015-12-28T02:05:00.001-08:002015-12-28T02:05:54.786-08:00100 Days of Happy - Day 6<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Celebrating Christmas with a dear friend but embaressing myself ... hic!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Sara Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16741008340503019303noreply@blogger.com0