Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

If You Can Dream It.....

...... you can do it.

I wear a silver thumb ring with that inscription.

Today I was encouraged to look at myself... to think aboutmy biggest fears and to challenge them.

My biggest fear is failure.

Failure to be a good mum, daughter, wife, person...... everything really and the trouble with this is that I get to set the standards which are unbelievable high.

I then looked at my thumb ring and considered the inscription and realised that my fear was holding all of my dreams back.

I then thought of how I encourage youngsters to reach for their dreams because they can do it and realised that I was giving advice that I can't follow because of my fear.

So I am going to focus on overcoming my fear and start to reach for the stars with both hands.

So what is your fear? Are you going to challenge it too?