Two and a Bit Post Surgery

It's taken me two and a half weeks to realise that.....

1. I have had two major operations all in one go  

and...

2. It was a double whammy so all of my chest is affected and both arms





I have had advice from ladies who have had one affected or taken surgery one step at a time and I kind of expected to be feeling better than I do right now.


However.... after really over doing things a couple of days ago and spending yesterday feeling very ill indeed I have accepted 1 and 2 as listed above.



So..... surgery......

It's a kind of a new procedure (very interesting).


I have had radiotherapy to both breasts which has (apparently) damaged the blood vessels and muscle in those areas which makes reconstruction quite difficult. The muscles can be squishy (the words of my surgeon) and the blood vessels quite brittle.

So....


What they did is this......


They removed 3lbs of breast tissue within which they found 3mm of cancer. This one was DCIS. 

The remaining lymph nodes in my left arm were removed.

Then for the reconstruction they cut through my pectoral muscles and attached a kind of collagen fibre to create a pocket in which they deposited the implant.





The skin was then folded over in a double layer hence the tiny size of my boobies compared to what they were. The reason for this is kind of like an insurance and protection purpose.



My drains were removed after 14 days (that was a relief I can tell you!). Now, 2 and a half weeks post surgery how does it feel???


Itching!!! The itching is driving me insane

Tight - the dressings and healing skin cause it to feel tight

Deep Muscle pain - sneezing is hell

Muscle Weakness - not allot of strength in the muscle areas

Strange!!!!! - feels as though I have bricks in my chest! That, together with the fact that I have no feeling in the area due to nerve damage makes it feel totally weird.

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

A Week Ago

This time last week I was still in the operating theatre having my Ooporectomy. A week has gone by and I don't regret it for a moment. It was the right thing to do and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to with no cancer baggage weighing me down in the form of monthly Zolodex injections.

This picture was taken a couple of days after the surgery. This is the op site on my right side, there is a smaller one on my left and one inside my naval.

The stitches are disolveable so no worries there about having them taken out.

The stitches are starting to break up now and I will be glad when they have gone because the op sites are sore. It's not too bad really its just that I worry about infection.

My lumpectomies and nodal sweep operations were far more painful than this op so I am hoping to be back in some sort of action in a week.

So the future for me is bright! No more Zolodex injections! (note to self: must phone the district nurse to let her know!).

I am looking forward to getting back into work, getting my dog grooming business up and running again.

My Life is a Road of Music Part 2

I can mark my life out in music, so many songs for so many reasons so I can only share a few with you.

This song is beautiful but so so sad. It was played at my big brothers funeral in September 1990. He was 25 years old and his car crashed, he died instantly leaving behind a young wife and his one year old daughter. That day he broke many hearts and almost 22 years later he is missed more than anything else in the world.

I remember playing this song over and over and really identifying with it. I was a goth punk at the time and in the 80's goth punk wasn't as fashionable as it was then. For a start we didnt get our clothes and makeup handed to us on a plate in the form of specialist shops. I personally had an idea of how I wanted to look and I had to create that look myself.... this involved dark makeup, lots and lots of hair spray, a basque, black evening gloves and a long pencil skirt sewn up so that I had to walk like Morticia!!! I always remember my mum lecturing me on how I dressed and how negative it was, how it could affect my job etc etc. Ah listen to the lyrics and you will understand.

Wieders Toccatta from Symphony No 5 - ah yes !  A truly beautiful piece of music, I loved it so much because it sounded so fresh, new and rejoiceful. This was the piece of music I chose to walk down the aisle after Jason and I were married. You can imagine my upset and desperate disappointment when it wasnt played because the organist forgot the music!!

I had many hard times growing up which had a huge impact on me, my self confidence etc. but eventually having had cognitive therapy I was able to come to terms with my past and move forward. At this point, this song said it all for me.

I was diagnosed with HER2 Pos, hormone receptive stage 3 breast cancer. I was told that because of my young age they were going to hit me with everything. This involved surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 rounds of radiotherapy and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have small veins so half way through the chemo they started to collapse and become hard so canulating me became a traumatic experience. I remember going to chemo sessions and fear would grip my heart... I would play and sing this song loudly and it gave me the courage to walk into the war and let battle commence.

And finally I come to Love Hope Strength..... Listen to the words and I can identify with them so well... The click click click of the killing machines - the IV drips you get hooked up to.............

I cry when I listen to this song because I have faced cancer twice and I have kicked its sorry arse with the help of music and friends.

Nordic Walking and Breast Cancer

I loved running, it gave me something to aim for something to achieve.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 Breast Cancer in 2009 I was ready to run my first 10K race but with surgery and 12 doses of chemo, I was unable to realise my ambition.

The bruising caused by the biopsy and then the operation which although was a lumpectomy given the size of the lump and breast reconstruction using tissue from my other size left me not only with painful surgery scars but trauma on both breasts. This meant that moving was painful for many weeks.

After my first lot of chemo I felt OK so I gave a short run a go..... I was laid up in bed for days afterwards.

The build up of chemo then made me feel worse and worse each time.

The long and short of it was that after cancer treatment I was the unfittest I have ever been in my entire life.

I wasn't going to let cancer beat me though and I focused on getting my first 10K under my belt which I did at the end of 2010 and raised nearly £800 for a cancer charity Love Hope Strength Foundation.

At that point in my life I had received radiotherapy to my breast, I had received 18 lots of herceptin and had been on tamoxifen for a year. This is when everything went to pieces. My back became incredibly painful and by the end of 2011 I was unable to run - even walking was a problem.

At the start of 2012 I was diagnosed with a new breast cancer in my other side. Surgery, radiotherapy and a change in my hormonal treatment.

Through trial and error with pain relief I eventually found a solution which was workable and last month I began a course of physiotherapy working on strengthening my core.

I realised that running wasn't an option for me at this particular time in my life, I needed to get my core strong first. Also, my CT and MRI scans revealed a crack in my back which although an old injury with the drugs I am taking now - Zolodex to put me into a false menopause and Letrozil to suppress oestrogen give me the risk of osteoporosis.

I became very down, depressed and frustrated. I really really did need to run, I needed something to aim for.

This is when I discovered Nordic walking.

I contacted Nordic Walking UK and found myself a lovely instructor and went on a taster session.

Its amazing!

It makes you walk correctly so it promotes good posture and it really does work your core muscles.

It uses more muscles than running does and can induce the runners high that I so miss.

I feel invigorated and hopeful for a new and fitter future.

I have purchased a "cheap" set of Nordic poles and once the children are back at school I am looking forward to putting a training plan in place.

Hormones

I read a blog this morning via Twitter all about how this person's body couldn't handle hormonal changes. She wrote openly about how it affected her personality and her life and at last, I felt as though I wasn't alone in my plight with hormones.

It all began when I was in my early 20's. I was a size 6/8 and tiny..... things weren't going to well in my life. My parents had been going through a very nasty divorce during which time I was emotionally attacked by my dad, then my heroe, my big brother was killed in a car accident. All of this resulted in me going through a breakdown which led to the breakup with my long standing love, my fiance which was particularly nasty.

Looking back, I don't blame my dad or my ex.... I was a nightmare at that time in my life. Low self esteem, no confidence and I hated myself. They were having their own personal issues which changed them too. Its all water under the bridge now.

As part of my breakdown I started with an eating disorder. My weight plumeted to 6 stone and I was nothing but ribs and bones. The scarey thing for me looking back is that I distinctly remember thinking I was fat at the time.

The eating disorder never went away, it stayed with me until I had therapy at the age of 42 but it affected me in different ways.

The thing I am leading up to is.... when I did start eating properly again suddenly my periods stopped and my weight went up and up and up totally out of control until I hit 10stone and developed boobs!

The doctors didnt want to know until I met my husband and found that I couldnt conceive. During this time I was trying to lose weight unsuccessfully. Only after tests I found out that I had a hormonal disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which meant that my eggs developed normally but when they were released they stuck to my ovaries.

I read up about the condition and followed advice taking vitamins and supplements which helped and suddenly I found that I was losing weight and my symptoms subsided.

With fertility drugs I was able to have my two sons which is a blessing.

The hormonal changes which happened during each pregnancy made my weight go up and out of control but following my supplement and diet regime I lost the weight over time and felt great again.

I stayed a petite size 8 weighing in at 8 stone for years then I heard of this contraceptive contraption which all of my friends were raving about, the merina coil. This coil has a small amount of hormone in it and from the minute I had it fitted to the time I had it taken out my weight spiraled out of control again until I reached a size 12/14 and 10st 11lbs.......

As soon as the coil was removed and I started taking the pill again my hormones started to settle again and my weight began to fall off..............

That was when I found out that I had stage 3 HER2 pos breast cancer! The cancer was hormone sensitive so after surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin I was put on a hormonal treatment, a pill called Tamoxifen (thats another story).

Since being on Tamoxifen I have been struggling with my weight but that was the last of my problems because three years to the day of finding my first cancer, I was told that I had another cancer in my other breast.

This cancer wasn't as aggressive as the first and wasn't HER2 pos BUT it was hormone sensitive. This means that both of my cancers have been fed by my hormones.

Now I have had to have my ovaries shut down artificially to reduce the amount of oestrogen in my body and I also take a drug to stop my body producing any. Result..... I get days when I want to scream for no reason, other days I have no energy and then I have days when my bones hurt so much I can barely walk.

Hormones have been the bane of my life.

Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

I've Got a Brand New.................................Cancer

Sorry, I am not being flippant with the title but I am hoping to reflect my true feelings on my second cancer diagnosis which I received today.

I am still 3 years in remission for my first cancer which was aggressive and fast growing. This new cancer is indeed just that "new" and is in my other breast. The good thing about this is that the new cancer is not as aggressive and is slow growing. I probably wouldn't have felt anything for a year or two by which time the treatment would have been as radical as my last.

The surgeon told me that I am at more risk from my first cancer than this.

So.... I am booked in for a lumpectomy on 16th February along with a lymph node sweep just to make sure the cancer has not spread. This is highly unlikely as it has been caught right at the start of the little devils life! Thank you for mammograms!!!

As the area is so small, I will be taken in to have a wire inserted into my breast using an ultrasound scan, I will then have some nuclear dye injected into my nipple (which will make me pee like a smurf.... blue) and then the operation will go ahead in the afternoon.

I am having an overnight stay because Mr Cochrane said "otherwise you will be out walking dogs".

I had my pre-op done straight away along with a chest Xray.

It was explained to me that at 1pm today he would be arguing over me with a bunch of other people involved in looking after cancer patients therefore I will have a balanced care and less risk of mistakes. As a result of that meeting I have been booked in for a CT scan on Monday to check bone density and my other organs.

After surgery I will probably only need radiotherapy but the outcome won't be known until the cancer is out and has been investigated further along with my lymph nodes.

I am really relaxed about the whole thing. Cancer isn't something to fear, it breeds off fear..... its something to be challenged and beaten and thats what I will do.

I am being sent for a genetic test to find out if I carry the BC gene and if so I can make a balanced decision on any radical surgery but at this point in time, a lumpectomy only please!

I am anticipating a quick recovery and being back at running, dog walking and horse riding within days following surgery. I might be wrong but if you don't have goals theres no point in it all.

The worse fear I have of cancer is losing my hair again and thats not really a real fear in the whole scheme of things but it looks as though that won't happen.

I have a whole load of great friends and family to get me through this. With messages of love and support to keep me going I can only win this again. I want to thank every one of you who have given me such support, for those who have helped with my kids and my animals. No matter how small the gesture, the impact is enormous - trust me!

I will keep you up to date with my progress on this blog.