A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

Grrrrr

I have put what has happened to me into a box and sealed the lid.

I can't think about what has happened to me this year because it feels as though I have been living as part of a horror movie.

I might be on the road to some sort of recovery physically but emotionally I haven't even started to heal.

The problem with the box that I have put into storage is that I actually forget what I have been through and as a result of that I expect far too much of myself.

I was offered my "dream" job working with horses as a carriage groom at Erddig, a place which has been dear to me all of my life.

It was only when my hubby pointed out the fact that it was too much too soon did I realise the time scale and I acknowledged what my poor body had suffered. It wouldn't be fair on me or my prospective employers.

So I have the range of emotions to deal with. ... anger, injustice, sadness and a feeling of overwhelming despondency. Will I EVER be ME again?

The strong warrior that I am I have taken stock and regrouped. Getting the job was a huge boost to my self esteem which has plummeted and it's given me the push to develop my career further and in other ways.

I received a copy of the letter that my surgeon wrote to my GP and was stunned to find out that my third breast cancer was in fact a relapse of my second but had returned more aggressively.

I am very lucky to have the NHS and the care I have received (apart from my recent surgeries due to cost cutting) has been amazing.

I owe the NHS my life. I am still alive to care for my boys who still need me and somehow I have a purpose in this funny old world to fulfil.

I am at a Cross Road in my Life

Cancer has changed me, not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well.

In my life I have done many things. I started out as an office junior on a young workers scheme and worked my way up to become a buyer managing a small department. I continued my career instigating and co-ordinating cost reduction projects. It was a rewarding but it meant long hours, travel and stress.

When trying for a family was proving difficult I decided to take a huge gamble and I gave up my job with its nice pay and bonuses and started to work for a company in my village. 50% pay cut BUT it meant I actually got a lunch break and the hours were 9-5!!!!! Less stress and bingo.... Joe came into being.

When Harry was born my pay wouldn't cover child care costs so I gave up my job with saddness because I had changed the role from a secretarial position to an admin post and I really enjoyed it very much.

I am not a stay at home mum so despite the fact that I had huge problems with my boys for my own sanity I started to do Avon.

Avon gave me so much confidence and I realised that I could do anything I set my mind too so when Pickles my miniature schnauzer came into my life I enrolled on a course and became a dog groomer.

My business was beyond successful and was built on reputation and word of mouth so when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 it was a shock to have to give up my business.

Cancer took over my life for the 2 years of treatment. Dealing with the countless hospital visits and the side effects of treatment.

In the 3rd year I suffered from depression because I realised that my life had changed because of cancer. I was unable to physically do the things I used to do.

In the 4th year I had another breast cancer.

So here I am now with my 4 and 1 year clears under my belt and I am starting to get back to work very very slowly because my physical disabilities have curtailed what I am able to do.

Truth is though..... I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I want to work for myself but I dont know what.

Of course, if I had the money there are loads of things I could do, I would have the money to re train but thats not an option for me.

So I feel as though I have come to a cross roads in my life and I am standing here puzzled and confused as to which road I need to travel down.