Monday, 24 April 2017

Wow Life Moves Fast

I am currently two and a half weeks post reconstructive surgery. Yeah! Didn't see that coming did ya? Neither did I!!

I had put the thoughts of reconstruction to the back of my mind, I hadn't decided what to do and was struggling with making a decision based on the horror and trauma I suffered at the hands of Chester hospital.

Two letters arrived ... and within a short space of time I had made my decision to accept the challenge and take the opportunity that had presented itself. Reconstruction.

I opted for a free flap diep procedure which basically means I got a tummy tuck and they made new boobs out of my tummy.

I was petrified when I went for my pre-op, even more so when I was told that my surgeon had been changed from Mr Graham to Ms Taghizadeh. However Mr Bennett who was part of the surgical team allayed my fears, he spent so much time with me explaining what would happen and reassuring me about the surgeon.

One thing that every plastic surgeon I have spoken too since Chester Hospital horror is that radiated tissue and implants do not work well together. That is the subject of another post though.

Ms Taghizadeh couldn't believe the state I had been left in, questioning the stitch mark scars and told me that I was a project. She reassured me that she would do her best for me and I believed her.

I was prepped for a 12 to 14 hour operation. The anaesthetist gave me the talk about all of the horrors one could experience after such a long operation but he needn't have bothered because Ms Taghizadeh broke her record and the hospital record by completing my op in 6 hours. I swear my mum had my back that day.

The pain was immense and being hooked up to four drains was a bit of a nightmare. The heated blanket post surgery was hell and I felt as though I was being cooked. The nurses monitored me relentlessly making sure that the grafts didn't fail.

So here I am, on the mend with new boobs.

I never ever could have believed that reconstruction would do so much to lift my spirits but I honestly feel as though I have my life back and that I can finally close the painful chapter that was my cancer.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

Wisdom Comes with Age

I always wondered why my wonderful mother was so wise and had good advice to give me. I literally feel as though I have become my mother, although to my mind I will never be as wise as her.

My mum always had great advice at hand for dealing with my children and I think thats one of the things I miss the most now that she is gone. That and being able to talk to her and let off steam and her knowing exactly how I feel without me saying one word and despite the fact I have a false smile on my face.

Now I understand how she became so wise...... Life! Life is what made her wise. With each event in your life be it good or bad, you grow and you adapt and you become that much stronger.

Then all of a sudden, you hit a point when you realise that you are giving out advice to others and helping them with their problems. You are offering those wise little quotes to help another cope with something in their life.

One of my mums favourite sayings and one of mine too.... " You have to learn to bend in the wind..." Basically, a supple tree bends in the wind so that it doesn't snap, a rigid pole will break in two.

I have learnt to bend in the wind, I have weathered a fair few storms and hurricanes during my life and if I hadn't learnt to adapt and change I would have snapped in two long ago.

Life is good.

Life is precious.

We are blessed.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Welcome to the New Year

I hadn't realised that it was so long since my last blog post. Being without a computer doesn't help and while I enjoyed blogging on my smart phone, the fact that the software kept failing made it slightly annoying.

Its only February and already so much has happened in this year, far too much to talk about in one post and really, I don't know where to start!

So far, we have been blessed with a mild and dry winter which has been a blessing. Its meant that Cola has had winter turn out and that has made life a lot easier for me.

Storm Doris yesterday kept Cola was in for the day but he didn't seem to mind that as long as he had a continual supply of meadow hay.

As we approach spring I am filled with new hope for the future even though looking ahead fills me with fear these days. I have been signed off by the oncologist and for the first time in 8 years I really do feel that cancer is done with me. I only have to see the surgeons one more time at the end of the year and I will be written off as cured. I still don't understand why because my last cancer was 2 years ago but because that is considered a recurrence it isn't counted. In my book cancer is cancer but I am so fed up of hospitals and treatment and based on my own instincts and the fact I have no breasts left I am happy to wave bye bye to this part of my life.

I am considering NOT having reconstruction but accepting my life flat. I have joined a group called flat friends and they are giving me the confidence to be as I am now and not pretend to be as I was.

The reconstruction operation I would need would take up to 12 hours to perform and the outcome would be an A cup or at best a B..... Having been an FF I really don't see why I should put my body through such surgery and waste more of my life in recovery just for a tiny minuscule pair of boobs. Instead I am focusing on losing a stone in weight, toning my body up and that way I won't look too bad living flat.

I will try to blog a little more frequently from now on, its quite therapeutic writing my thoughts down and sharing them, my hope is that I can help someone along the way.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

If You Can Dream It.....

...... you can do it.

I wear a silver thumb ring with that inscription.

Today I was encouraged to look at myself... to think aboutmy biggest fears and to challenge them.

My biggest fear is failure.

Failure to be a good mum, daughter, wife, person...... everything really and the trouble with this is that I get to set the standards which are unbelievable high.

I then looked at my thumb ring and considered the inscription and realised that my fear was holding all of my dreams back.

I then thought of how I encourage youngsters to reach for their dreams because they can do it and realised that I was giving advice that I can't follow because of my fear.

So I am going to focus on overcoming my fear and start to reach for the stars with both hands.

So what is your fear? Are you going to challenge it too?

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Meet My Guardian Angel

This is Cola, he's my Fell pony and my best friend.

Cola is 25 years old. Last year he was diagnosed with Cushings disease. Since then, he has been taking prascend and last week he had blood tests done which shows that the disease is under control.

To be honest with you, he doesn't look like a typical Cushings horse because he has a shiny coat which is normal in thickness and not at all curly.

He has a bad back, or hips to be precise but I am so lucky to have a friend who is a Mctimoney practitioner. When doing her training, she used Cola as a guineapig especially as he had a complicated and very old injury. Since then she has been treating him on a regular basis.

C of Equine Outline is amazing. Cola has gone from hiding in the corner of his stable when he sees her to loving it. Today was no exception although only a minor twinge was there in his hips.

His physio Jess Jones is also a friend and stable mate, she works her magic on him and has made great progress. Using physio and McTimoney together has definitely worked for my old boy.

Friday, 28 October 2016


All of my life I have struggled with personal image. Too ugly, ears like a monkey, stick legs, fat legs.... you name it and I have thought it about myself.

Then this disease started battling with me and it robbed me of the few things that I actually liked about myself like my long slim fingers, my hair, my boobs.

Recently I had a minor op and I have had to use a special cream. One day as I was using the cream it just struck me that in actual fact... my body wasn't me.

I know this sounds daft and crazy but my body really isn't me. It's a house for my soul and it allows me to live on this mortal plain.

I am the caretaker of this house which works very hard to serve my soul and the least I can do is love, admire and respect it.

My poor body has been hated and disliked for so many years and yet it's fought incredibly hard to keep functioning for my sake.

I must have business to deal with on earth before my soul is set free.

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Modern Mindfulness

Sitting in my car with a cup of coffee, watching the cars and vans whoosh past on the highway above me.... People living their lives and going about their daily business.

We live in such stressful times where money is king and technology is its queen. Technology which allows us to connect and yet be unconnected in all but a few special cases.

So absorbed in the royalty so confined and defined by them we forget our true purpose in life and with that, the real meaning.

To help us feel connected we take part in mindfulness exercises, designed to help us relax in the minimum amount of time in order to maximise our useful purpose in the machine that is society.

How did our for bearers live without such a system?

They practiced mindfulness throughout their daily lives. No machine to wash clothes so they used boards and stones to scrub and scrub... No bread machines or ready sliced loaves to buy from the local tesco so they would pummel and knead and bake....

Although poor in pocket they were rich in spirit.

How I wish life could once again be that simple