Thursday, 18 June 2020
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Tuesday, 16 June 2020
Tuesday, 26 November 2019
If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.
I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.
My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.
The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.
So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.
That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.
So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.
These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.
Friday, 2 March 2018
Although my reconstruction last April was a success because of my 2015 experience they were not able to do a normal job. My plastic surgeon explained that i am a work in progress. I know that I have more surgeries ahead of me but I can't think that far ahead.
So... Following our house flood we are back at Llyndir Hall Hotel and it's got a pool.
Today, I ventured into the pool and had a little swim.
It was a shock to experience how weak my body has become but at least now I have made this first step back to my normality i can aim to get stronger and fitter at a slow pace.
Today, I feel accomplished.
Sunday, 15 October 2017
No-one ever tells you how hard it is to let your children go. It's one of those taboo subjects that never gets talked about.
To see them leave home, fully independent hurts like nothing ever experienced before. It's like having your heart ripped out.
The fact that they don't need you anymore. The fact that once you were the centre of their world and now you're not.
Oh the tears they flow and my heart it hurts.
Saturday, 29 July 2017
I am struggling with life at the moment.
You would think that being cancer free and having had successful breast reconstruction that my life would be peachy..... but its not.
My way of dealing with bad things in life is to not think about it, just crack on with life and keep smiling but I guess its not the best way to deal with things especially if it puts you in the position I am in today.
This morning, my mind has been wandering and it suddenly hit me, just for a moment because thats all my mind allowed me, the enormity of what's happened to me.
It was like having a cold shower.
It was as though I was standing at a window looking at someone elses life.
Did that all really happen to me? Is this new body really mine?
The mind is a funny thing in the way it protects you.
I guess that now is the time for me to accept that what happened, actually did so that I can heal and put the past back in its place where it needs to be.