Wednesday, 3 August 2016
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
30 Days Wild is an invitation to everyone to enjoy nature in some way during the month of June.
I enjoy this little challenge although I do feel a bit of a cheat because I love in a semi rural village and I have a horse and dogs so nature is part of my life.
Taking part in this challenge makes me aware of how lucky I am to live where I live and to say a prayer of gratitude for that fact along with my faculties to enjoy them.
I have fallen behind with my 30 day wild tweets so this is what I have done.
1. Signed up to the big bee count and logged sightings of any bees I have spotted in my garden.
2. While out on my Fell pony I stopped my mind and listened to the music of the countryside.... birds song and the wind in the trees.
3. I giggled when the baby Swallow popped it's bottom out of its next to have a poop then snuggled back in again.
4. Noticing just how many types of grasses there are. Their texture and size.
5. Walking bare foot in the garden and recognising the sensations of hot, cold, soft and hard.
6. Watching a male black bird sqawke around for hours trying to find his mate. He did this until he lost his voice and didn't care a jot about the resident cats.
7. I sat in my bedroom watching the trees through the window and made shapes up in my head.
8. I ran along a country lane appreciating the scents of nature.
Many lovely things to do and lots to be grateful for.
Sunday, 15 May 2016
Sunday, 24 April 2016
Sunday, 13 March 2016
Thankfully I have been getting support from my GP and a counsellor at Nightingale House. I am trying to sort through my feelings and put them into some sort of order.
I think that when I had my surgery last year I was in rush mode.. I didn't have time to think things through I just followed the advice I was given and made decisions in some sort of shocked zombie mode.
Had I had the luxury of time I am not sure that I would have made the same decisions.
However that is in the past now and its the future I must look to.
Losing my mum was a huge blow. I honestly still can't believe she has gone and when the realisation hits me I feel physically sick to the core.
I am wearing my prosthetics less and less now. They are not me, they are not part of me and for goodness sake they don't even look like my old boobs did!
I am starting to err towards not having reconstructive surgery. I have had too many operations and radical treatments in a shortish space of time, I am not sure how much more either my body or my mind can take.
Other people have worse scars than me and have to have them on show, they have no choice. People look at me and think I am just a woman with a small chest.
The thought of more major surgery and wasting more of my life on recovery just for aesthetic purposes doesn't float my boat at the moment. The scars are fading and I am getting used to them now.
I just want to focus on getting fit and healthy again and to be perfectly honest with you the fact that I have no boobs is actually quite nice. I no longer have to strap myself into a sports bra in order to run or ride my horse. I can do exercises without the whoppers getting in the way which they did quite alot and my back is less painful now the weight has gone from my chest.
I am enjoying life most of the time.
Last week I came down from an incredible high to a low.... The lowest point was last Thursday when the black thoughts crept back into my mind.
I kind of know when I am slipping because when I look in the mirror I see ugliness, an ugly face, I hate what I see. The mind is a weird thing isn't it.
One thing that I am coming to terms with, is the enormity of what I have been fighting. I have spent the last 7 years fighting for my life and in my head I have switched that notion off. Its as though I couldn't acknowledge just how serious a situation my health was in.
I am getting there slowly.... baby steps, always baby steps towards the greater goal.
Sunday, 31 January 2016
However, this weekend at The Gathering in Llandudno, I was asked why had I stopped writing.
Later on in the day I retreated into my shed, I dimmed the lights and then I consulted my cards... I asked for guidance on where I should be going with my life and the cards I drew were guiding me towards healing and counselling through the medium of writing.... interesting!
I have decided to try and make a habit of writing as often as I can because if it helps just one person with their battles in life then it has served its purpose.
I must admit, I didn't think anyone read my ramblings which is another reason for not writing as much.
I have been experiencing some dark times emotionally and felt that I couldn't perform reiki or angel therapy but I see now that I should not have blocked myself and turned myself off, healing others with such beautiful energies in turn heals yourself.
The title of this blog is a bit weird but I do feel as though I hit a hump and now I am over it and on a homeward stretch.
This weekend I had the privilege of watching the most amazing man in rock and roll perform over two nights. This man is battling cancer for the third time in his life.
Friends have commented about how Mike is dealing with this third cancer, maybe not doing so well with the chemo, maybe being more cautious..... I don't know, all I know is how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.
The first time you are diagnosed is like hitting a wall at 100mph. You ask "why me?" then when the shock has worn off you just throw yourself into positivity and treatment because you know that "cancer ain't gonna beat you" (my first blog).
The second time you are diagnosed is like being pushed into a hedge and you feel slightly dazzled, winded and you think "this isn't fair" but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you throw yourself into positivity and treatment but now you feel as though you have a monkey on your back.....
Things go well and you feel great with life then out of the blue you are given a third cancer diagnosis.
This for me was like being beaten to the ground and given a good kicking. This time I metaphorically lay on the ground, dazed and shattered.... now this cancer thing is very real.
I am lucky in that I have had surgery and treatment and can be considered in remission or cancer free..... but that third cancer diagnosis changes you deeply. You no longer feel invincible, theres that sword of Damocles hanging over your head......
This is not a morbid post..... I think that feeling this way is something that I have struggled with but now I realise that life is even more precious and each moment needs to count, each breath you take needs to be relished.
Nobody knows what life has in store for them, there is no plan... Each new day of your life is a blank page and the future isn't known, you just have to keep turning the pages with faith and positivity.
Photos bar 1 courtesy of Google Search