Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

A Spoon Full of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

Or does it???

Whenever I hear that dreaded word CANCER

Whenever I hear CHEMOTHERAPY

Dread and saddness grip my heart.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

You have cancer......you will have chemotherapy.....you will lose your hair....

Facts.................

Straightforward facts..................

IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE!

Pictures speak a 1000 words 

So when I hear of somebody facing chemo here is what goes through my mind................

Hair loss

Chemicals in your body making you feel ill and strange

Poisen

Canulas and the attempts to get them in

Fear - Fear - Fear

Mushed up brain - chemo brain - unable to put words into sentences

Forgetting words and names

Missing part of your life

Gaps

Big big big gaps

Body weakness

Fall in fitness

Aches in bones

Fear - Fear - Fear

Tiredness

So tired you can't listen to music or even talk

Steroids 

Fat fingers

Slow recovery

Hardened veins

Pain constant pain

Feeling as though you have aged 40 years over night

Fear - Fear - Fear

Heart burn

Loss of Control

Tablets - lots and lots and lots of tablets

Emotional lows

Grief and loss

Mourning

Fear - Fear -Fear

Life is a Fragile Thing

I completed my course of radiotherapy at Ysbyty Glan Clwyd last Thursday and to say it is a relief is an under statement. I feel as though somebody has taken a weight off my shoulders and I can, at last get on with my life.

My skin isn't as sore as it was with my previous radiotherapy but I put this down to the fact that I started using creams from day one because I knew what was in store. The skin is pink in that area and sore but not enough to stop me from doing things.

The worst side effect is tiredness.

I forgot to get a repeat prescription of my lanzoprazole and I am paying the price with heart burn, one the the side effects of chemo.

I spoke to my oncologist very frankly and he has given his blessing for me to have my ovaries removed. This is good for so many reasons:

• my fear of ovarian cancer
• no more needles required 
• birth control

Its what I want and I am glad he is letting me ask for that.

To Every Problem there is a Solution

Since I started radiotherapy, I have been suffering BO (Body Odour) but only to the side which has been receiving treatment.

I am fastidious when it comes to personal hygiene so it has been distressing for me to say the least, especially when required to put said arm up into arm stirrups and the smell permeates the air.

Apologies, apologies to the radiographers and mortification for myself!!!


Until I discovered the baby above!!!

I was told by the radiographers to avoid deodorants containing metals or magnesium. You would be amazed because even the brands you would think to be natural and kind contain such nasties. The reason for this by the way is because these metals react to the radium.

So this natural product works by attacking the bacteria on your skin thus stopping the pong! It is natural, unscented and doesn't clog pores and best of all ................ it works!

Thumbs up for Salt of the Earth!

They also produce a body spray which I keep in my handbag for discreet applications.

So you see..... there is a solution to every problem you just have to look for it!

The Pet Insurance Stitched Us Up

Just after Christmas, my 4 year old Miniature Schnauzer, Wilbur was taken ill. When I took him to the vets, they did a thorough examination of him and concluded that he was sore on his right side and suggested he might have slipped a disc. Rest and painkillers were ordered.

This ordeal went on for weeks with no improvement being made. I was in tears seeing the pain that my poor boy was in and not being able to help him.

At about the same time I found out that I had a second breast cancer so you can imagine the turmoil my life was in at that point.

Xrays were taken of Wilburs spine and to the specialists and my own vets mind, we were looking at one possibly two slipped discs.

So Wilbur went in for the operation only to find that he had a massive infection around his spine. The specialist was amazed because he hadn't seen anything like it before. Drains were fitted and he was put on a 2 month course of strong antibiotics.

The bill so far was £2500 but we have insurance for the dogs so I honestly didn't think that this was a problem.

Well, I put my claim in only to have it returned to me saying that my claim had been declined. This was because in September 2011 Wilbur had the achey shakes which was treated with antibiotics. Even though my vet and the specialist thinks that because of the time frame its highly unlikely that the two illnesses are connected. So they are saying that this was a pre-existing condition before I took out the insurance with them.

I have owned dogs for years and the amount I have paid into insurance policies runs into thousands, but I didnt mind because for me its a safety net when the unexpected happens as it did to Wilbur.

I am now wondering would I have been wiser to have opened a savings account and put the money away each month.

I won't name and shame the insurance company just yet but believe me, I will do if they still refuse my claim, after all, I don't want anyone else ending up in this situation. This is a worry I could do without post operative and facing radiotherapy plus a series of other tests.

Shame on the pet insurance industry!

One Month On

I can't believe that it has been a month since I last wrote on my blog. So much has happened in that time I honestly don't know where to begin.

I think I will do a little summary of what has been happening and then do a seperate post on each of the subjects:

• We welcomed Snowy into our lives
• The Dog Insurance Company stitched us up
• Cola had a bad back
• Breast Cancer hormone treatment
• Radiotherapy set up session
• Harry's hospital experience
• Our trip to the caravan

I am sure that there are many more topics I would like to discuss but off the top of my head I can't think of them.

I can't find my camara which would be really handy because I would like to take some shots to illustrate the posts.

Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Second Lumpectomy part 2

When I got back onto Bonny Ward the one thing that struck me was how much better I felt after the anaesthetic this time around, coupled with the fact that I wasn't hooked up to a morphine drip - this was good news.

It was a small ward with just a few other ladies on it so that was nice. The staff on that afternoon were amazing including a trainee nurse Roisin who was spending her last day there. Such a shame, she was a natural nurse, thorough and caring and yet there was no job for her having completed her training.

I was over the moon to be greeted by my friend PBW at 9pm who came on shift. So lovely to see a friendly, kind and caring face which made all of the difference. The night is always long in hospital and I was woken by doctors caring for one of the ladies on the end beds who was having difficulties with her heart. Thank goodness I brought my eye pad with me and so I shut the light and sound out. I didn't want to intrude on her privacy anymore than I had too poor lady. That night she was taken to the cardiac unit, the doctors were so good with her and gave her the best care.

PBW tucked me in during the night and not only that at 6am she brought me a lovely cup of tea!

I felt much better and decided to wash and put some makeup on before the consultant did his rounds. This was fueled by the fact that Harry couldnt take his eyes off me the night before and Joe told me I looked like a corpse. I felt much better with a bit of lippy on!

My consultant came onto the ward with a host of other registrars, breast care nurses etc and said "is that lipstick?" to which I replied "yes" and with that he said "ah you can definately go home today".

He told me that the operation had been a good one, he had removed about 3oz of breast tissue and got good clearance on the cancer site, he had removed some lymph nodes to sample and things were looking good.

He told me that my treatment would be radiotherapy but that would depend on what the oncologists decided. They are new on the scene and have new ideas so he couldnt be certain what my treatment plan would entail. Lets just hope its not chemo hey, I don't think I could stand to lose my hair again.

I just could not get my head around how much better I felt after this operation than the last one. I know my last tumour was large and alot of tissue was removed but I was left unable to move for many weeks and in the most excrutiating pain.

Day 4 after the operation now and my bandages have been removed only the pads remain in place over the surgical areas. I don't have much feeling in my breast and upper arm due to nerve damage but I know from experience that over time some but not all of the feeling will return.

I feel as though I am being fussed over and thats an alien concept to me, I am used to being totally independant, standing on my own two feet and being self sufficient.

I will let this continue until the week is out and then watch out!

I've Got a Brand New.................................Cancer

Sorry, I am not being flippant with the title but I am hoping to reflect my true feelings on my second cancer diagnosis which I received today.

I am still 3 years in remission for my first cancer which was aggressive and fast growing. This new cancer is indeed just that "new" and is in my other breast. The good thing about this is that the new cancer is not as aggressive and is slow growing. I probably wouldn't have felt anything for a year or two by which time the treatment would have been as radical as my last.

The surgeon told me that I am at more risk from my first cancer than this.

So.... I am booked in for a lumpectomy on 16th February along with a lymph node sweep just to make sure the cancer has not spread. This is highly unlikely as it has been caught right at the start of the little devils life! Thank you for mammograms!!!

As the area is so small, I will be taken in to have a wire inserted into my breast using an ultrasound scan, I will then have some nuclear dye injected into my nipple (which will make me pee like a smurf.... blue) and then the operation will go ahead in the afternoon.

I am having an overnight stay because Mr Cochrane said "otherwise you will be out walking dogs".

I had my pre-op done straight away along with a chest Xray.

It was explained to me that at 1pm today he would be arguing over me with a bunch of other people involved in looking after cancer patients therefore I will have a balanced care and less risk of mistakes. As a result of that meeting I have been booked in for a CT scan on Monday to check bone density and my other organs.

After surgery I will probably only need radiotherapy but the outcome won't be known until the cancer is out and has been investigated further along with my lymph nodes.

I am really relaxed about the whole thing. Cancer isn't something to fear, it breeds off fear..... its something to be challenged and beaten and thats what I will do.

I am being sent for a genetic test to find out if I carry the BC gene and if so I can make a balanced decision on any radical surgery but at this point in time, a lumpectomy only please!

I am anticipating a quick recovery and being back at running, dog walking and horse riding within days following surgery. I might be wrong but if you don't have goals theres no point in it all.

The worse fear I have of cancer is losing my hair again and thats not really a real fear in the whole scheme of things but it looks as though that won't happen.

I have a whole load of great friends and family to get me through this. With messages of love and support to keep me going I can only win this again. I want to thank every one of you who have given me such support, for those who have helped with my kids and my animals. No matter how small the gesture, the impact is enormous - trust me!

I will keep you up to date with my progress on this blog.