Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

Cancer be Damned

How ironic! The content of my last and very recent post.

I have just learned of the passing of a childhood friend to breast cancer.

She was the same age as me, first diagnosed in 2010 and she has gone.

Such a brave lady who despite being so very ill never complained and fought with courage and hope right to the end.

Always smiling, joking and so positive she never gave up hope.

She was so pleased to have had her photo taken with Mike Peters from the Alarm I was planning on getting him and his family to sign a bear with a guitar for her. That won't happen now...

If one thing can be taken from her passing today it will be to live for today and never take the moment in which we live for granted.

As she is gone I am still here.

Why?

How?

Survivors guilt.