Breast Cancer

Four years ago I found the lump in my right breast, surgery and two years of treatment. Five years taking tamoxifen which made my bones ache like I never knew possible. This prompted CT and MRI scans which showed up a crack in my sacral bone.

A year ago following a routine check a new breast cancer was found in my other breast. "Luckily" for me it wasn't as aggressive and so it was "just" surgery and radiotherapy. 

A change in hormone tablet to letrozole.

Can you believe it? more pain.......... I aged over night by about about 30 years.

October came and more surgery so at least I wouldn't have to endure those abdominal injections on a monthly basis for 5 years.

A new drug - Arimadex

Still in pain.

Pain in all of my small joints such as fingers and toes, chronic back pain, pain in my right hip, right shoulder and the joint of my right foot big toe.

In addition to this my blood pressure is raised and I now have high cholesterol.

I have a strong family trait of heart disease in both sides of my family but these problems could be the result of the hormone tablets I am taking. 

Devil you do - Devil you don't!

So here I am ..... and there it is.......


Live for the moment I say..... live for today. You can't change the past and the future is not yet but now is when is important.

I could be 100% healthy and die randomly like my big brother. Fit.....healthy......young...... killed in a car accident at 25.

All of these things are reminders that you should enjoy what you have got and not worry about what you haven't got.

Whats Normal Anyway

It's been a tough three years I can tell you.

2009 started so well, my dog grooming business was booming, I was in the best emotional state I had been in for 40 years, my teeth had just come out of braces (something I should have done when I was younger) I was fit, training for my first 10K race on 1st March 2009 when I found a lump in my breast.

So I had breast cancer and 2 years worth of treatment.

Nothing could have prepared me for the "afterwards" though. The fact that when therapy is over you think you are going to pick up where you left off. It was like running 100mph and hitting a brick wall - the impact on me emotionally was phenomenal.

To top it all I had "friend" issues which carried on to the social networks, it was all very intense, totally uncalled for and it came at a time in my life when I was coming to terms with the end of 2 years of cancer treatment.

So I plodded along, in constant pain and wishing that I could get my 5 year all clear FAST and I could get on with my life when at the begining of this year, 2012 I was called back after a routine mammogram and was told that I had another breast cancer in my other breast.

Luck was with me again and this time it was a low grade cancer but still hormone sensitive so the tamoxifen hadn't been doing a good enough job of taking care of me.

I remember waiting for the final results, thank goodness I had the Gathering to go to, meeting up with the Wasting Land folk and all of my other friends made life liveable for those few days and certainly gave me enough strength to get through the rest of the process.

So..... an operation..... radiotherapy..... and hormone treatment which involves a monthly abdominal injection to shut down my ovaries and a new drug called letrozol to stop my body from absorbing the oestrogen it makes.

Sadly the side effects of letrozol have left me with arthritic like pain in my hands, feet, knee joints and my back.

Having discussed the side effects with my onocologist I have found out a combination of painkillers I can take which so far.... day one.... have made a difference. He wants me to stay on the letrozol for as long as I can and if that means chronic pain but no cancer - then on it I will stay!

The good news was the result of my 2nd MRI scan which this time, was conclusive. The crack in my sacral joint is due to an old fracture, wear and tear and NOT cancer! This is the news I needed to boost my spirits.

So now.... after 3 years and 6 months I feel as though I am back to normal or as normal as my life can ever be having survived cancer twice.

I am in constant pain, I am struggling to shift the weight (another side effect of the anti cancer drugs) but the best part is that I am alive and although I am unable to live my life at 100mph as I used too I am learning to adapt and make changes so that eventually I will be back to the old me, a little more scarred and wiser from my journey.

I think that living with cancer or living with having fought cancer more than once can only be done with the right attitude and that is a positive one, and SMILE - smiling is a great way of fighting the fight. I couldn't have done it without my family and my friends old and new who pick me up when I fall and cheer with me when I succeed. You know who you all are if you are reading this and you have helped me in more ways than you can ever know.

Its the little things that friends do to support you, the word, the gesture, the caring.

I feel better than I have felt in three years to be fair. I have my energy back and my zest for life which never really left but it was tested to the point of breaking.

I have a fabulous husband, I am lucky to still have my mum around who worries far too much about this tough old cookie, I have my fabulous sons who have taught me so much about myself and life, my animals who are not only my best friends and family, they are my therapists then there are my friends.............

So without any more clonc and fuss.......... its onwards and upwards we go..........

Nordic Walking and Breast Cancer

I loved running, it gave me something to aim for something to achieve.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 Breast Cancer in 2009 I was ready to run my first 10K race but with surgery and 12 doses of chemo, I was unable to realise my ambition.

The bruising caused by the biopsy and then the operation which although was a lumpectomy given the size of the lump and breast reconstruction using tissue from my other size left me not only with painful surgery scars but trauma on both breasts. This meant that moving was painful for many weeks.

After my first lot of chemo I felt OK so I gave a short run a go..... I was laid up in bed for days afterwards.

The build up of chemo then made me feel worse and worse each time.

The long and short of it was that after cancer treatment I was the unfittest I have ever been in my entire life.

I wasn't going to let cancer beat me though and I focused on getting my first 10K under my belt which I did at the end of 2010 and raised nearly £800 for a cancer charity Love Hope Strength Foundation.

At that point in my life I had received radiotherapy to my breast, I had received 18 lots of herceptin and had been on tamoxifen for a year. This is when everything went to pieces. My back became incredibly painful and by the end of 2011 I was unable to run - even walking was a problem.

At the start of 2012 I was diagnosed with a new breast cancer in my other side. Surgery, radiotherapy and a change in my hormonal treatment.

Through trial and error with pain relief I eventually found a solution which was workable and last month I began a course of physiotherapy working on strengthening my core.

I realised that running wasn't an option for me at this particular time in my life, I needed to get my core strong first. Also, my CT and MRI scans revealed a crack in my back which although an old injury with the drugs I am taking now - Zolodex to put me into a false menopause and Letrozil to suppress oestrogen give me the risk of osteoporosis.

I became very down, depressed and frustrated. I really really did need to run, I needed something to aim for.

This is when I discovered Nordic walking.

I contacted Nordic Walking UK and found myself a lovely instructor and went on a taster session.

Its amazing!

It makes you walk correctly so it promotes good posture and it really does work your core muscles.

It uses more muscles than running does and can induce the runners high that I so miss.

I feel invigorated and hopeful for a new and fitter future.

I have purchased a "cheap" set of Nordic poles and once the children are back at school I am looking forward to putting a training plan in place.

Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Countdown

Well here it is, Sunday night and the weekend is over almost. It's been quite a nice weekend, Jason was home on Saturday and today I have spent the entire day deep cleaning my living room. I made a list of all the jobs which needed doing and made a start. I have got through most of the list but will start again tomorrow.

My Nain used to say "The Devil Makes Work for Idle Hands" and she always suggested scrubbing floors if you were feeling down. I can tell you that it does work! It kept my mind occupied and probably helped me to burn a few calories.

The funny thing about this last week or so is that my back ache has almost disappeared, I wasnt able to walk at one point and now its (touch wood) gone! All I can think is that Him upstairs must think I have enough on my plate with the dodgy boob and Wilbur.

So.... Monday, Tuesday then D-day Wednesday.....

Oh boy.... Weds is an important day for my family!

I get my results at 9.30am and then I can get on with my life whatever the outcome.

Wilbur goes for an MRI scan to find out the extent of his spinal damage then we decide on what needs to be done.

I am more worried about my little dog than I am about me. I understand what is happening to me but he hasn't got a clue. I can't explain to him that the painkillers he keeps spitting out and hiding in his beard are actually good for him or that come Wednesday we will know how to stop his pain.

I had so many plans for Wilbur. I waited until he was over 1 and I started running with him. I had a special belt around my waist and the line attached to Wilbur was like a bungy rope. I was even considering entering into some CaniX events (running races with your dog) but it looks as though that is over for us now.

My other dog Pickles is a dreadful runner! The only time she runs is if something edable has dropped onto the floor!

Talking about running, as I have had the go ahead from the orthopedic team I am starting running again as from tomorrow. I follow the ZEST Running Made Easy programme and I know that over time I will be ready for a 10K race again. I have to use my posh new Garmin which my dad got me for Christmas!!!

If you are considering running its important that you follow these bits of advice. I have been running for a few years now with my break when I was having treatment and I have researched the subject quite alot.

Your CV system is easier and faster to train than your muscular/skeletol so you might feel you can pound the road for mile after mile but this will lead to injury. Walking is just as important as running and combining the two in a slow build up programme will significantly decrease the risk of injury.

When buying footware, go to a specialist shop and have your gait analysed. I had mine done in Chester. I also chose the shoes there and the size (always go one size up from your normal shoe size) but I didnt buy them from there, I took the details home, googled them and got them for £25 cheaper!

Running shoes have to be replaced regularly!

The other thing I would suggest if you are a lady is - get yourself a decent sports bra even if you are small busted. I feel as though I am suffocating when I am in mine !

So I have a few plans for the week ahead. Mainly housework and dog walking but I am tense about Wednesday for a few reasons.