Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

Loss

This week the world has experienced such losses.

The Paris massacre which took place on Friday evening was too shocking for words. The utter devastation carried out in the name of what? Senseless killing by terrorists. This massacre has taught me the true meaning of terrorism and terrorists..... terror.

A little more close to home I was a sad witness to the death of a horse on our yard. N and her horse Boady hadn't been with us for long but they settled in quickly and fitted in so well.

Colic is a dreadful thing for horses and ultimately that's what killed the poor boy. Twisted gut.... there was no choice. He was 16 with arthritis and so surgery wasn't an option.

Last night I lost my dwarf hamster Ragnar Lothbruk. I was cleaning out his house and unbeknown to me he fell into the dishwater and drowned.

Death is always sad. Loss is hard to come to terms with.

My thoughts and prayers are with souls who have suffered such losses.