A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

Monica's Gift

RED LIPS!!!

OK - AND NAILS TOO

I have always had a great fondness for red lips......The brighter the better!

When I first started my battles one of the ways I would actually "arm" myself for the fight was to put on my red lipstick and get out there with a huge smile on my face.

With each round I have waged battle in this way.

This time has been different in so many ways.

I don't seem to have had the emotional strength this time. Maybe it's because its that three times is too much, or maybe it was the trauma of my dog grooming and council fiasco when I was going through diagnosis. I don't know why but I haven't had the strength to put on my makeup and prepare myself for the fight...... (is that a quote?).

My friends and the Alarm family are special to me and have kept me afloat throughout my darkest times. Sometimes my friends don't realise just how much they have helped with their letters, cards, gifts and messages.

I have had so many wonderful and significant gifts which I treasure and look at every day.

Monica is a lovely friend from the other side of the world and yet she went to the time and effort to send me a beautiful gift.

It wasn't an ordinary gift, it was something in particular that she wanted me to have.

Honestly, this friend could have known me all of my life because when I opened it I was amazed to see the most beautiful RED LIPSTICK I have ever seen in my life.

It wasn't just the beauty and relevance of the gift, it was the day it arrived, the timing could not have been better and the underlying message it gave to me was enormous!

It gave me the message LOUD AND CLEAR to put my red lipstick back on, arm myself fully and lets get this healing over and done with. 

This gift has given me the proverbial leg up back into the saddle and rather than swish about half heartedly on the ground, which is what I feel I have been doing this time, I am back in the saddle, armed to the hilt and facing the enermy with my former ferocity.

Thank you Monica!!! It wasn't just a lipstick you gave me!!!

If I Was an Animal.....

I have been plagued by what I think is, a trapped nerve on my left side. I think its around my hip or sacral area where the fracture is and it shoots down my leg.

Is it painful? yes.

As painful as my existing back pain? yes.

More painful as my existing back pain? nope.

Its on the same pain level as what I live with every day but it feels funny and is more annoying, or agrivating like toothache or a headache.

Its worse when I get up in the morning and turning over during the night.

I have been for a run this morning and I know you will be thinking what a silly thing to do that is if I have these pains but honestly, I find that running helps the pain and loosens me up. I am no Olympic athlete, my pace is very slow compared to what I was before 2009 but I plod along and it makes me feel better.

I ran this morning without music because I wanted to do some thinking.

The sun was shining and everywhere looked green and lush and fresh. 

As I was running I thought about my ailments and realised that if I was an animal I would have been put to sleep a long time ago because I do feel broken.

I feel like a broken toy. 

My parts have been glued back together and great attempts have been made to fix me but you can still see the crack lines and I no longer run efficiently..... I am rather slow with the odd cough and splutter then I stop working for a bit......

I honestly feel like a reject. I feel as though nobody would ever find me remotely attractive ever again.

I am working through these feelings and I am sure that with time will come acceptance but at the moment I feel just like this.

some images courtesy of google search engine

Its Good To Be Alive Today

Its good to be alive today isn't it, yep life is a struggle and the news is full of gloom and despair but if you are reading this then you are alive and that in itself is something to celebrate.

Blessed be my friend x

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

Live for the Day

I enjoy blogging.... its a way of expressing myself, letting go of the negatives and celebrating the positives of life.

Sharing my joys and indeed the bad bits too. 

It is a form of therapy.

This is my voice.

I hear of so much sadness in the world.

Cancer, MS, Fibromialgia, tragedy..........

I wished I could wave a magic wand and end the suffering but I can't because this is life.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think that says it all for me - what a good mantra!

Live for the day folks!

Enjoy what each single day gives you.

*Pictured taken from google chrome search

A Spoon Full of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

Or does it???

Whenever I hear that dreaded word CANCER

Whenever I hear CHEMOTHERAPY

Dread and saddness grip my heart.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

You have cancer......you will have chemotherapy.....you will lose your hair....

Facts.................

Straightforward facts..................

IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE!

Pictures speak a 1000 words 

So when I hear of somebody facing chemo here is what goes through my mind................

Hair loss

Chemicals in your body making you feel ill and strange

Poisen

Canulas and the attempts to get them in

Fear - Fear - Fear

Mushed up brain - chemo brain - unable to put words into sentences

Forgetting words and names

Missing part of your life

Gaps

Big big big gaps

Body weakness

Fall in fitness

Aches in bones

Fear - Fear - Fear

Tiredness

So tired you can't listen to music or even talk

Steroids 

Fat fingers

Slow recovery

Hardened veins

Pain constant pain

Feeling as though you have aged 40 years over night

Fear - Fear - Fear

Heart burn

Loss of Control

Tablets - lots and lots and lots of tablets

Emotional lows

Grief and loss

Mourning

Fear - Fear -Fear