Monday, 30 July 2012

Live for the Day

I enjoy blogging.... its a way of expressing myself, letting go of the negatives and celebrating the positives of life.

Sharing my joys and indeed the bad bits too. 

It is a form of therapy.

This is my voice.

I hear of so much sadness in the world.

Cancer, MS, Fibromialgia, tragedy..........

I wished I could wave a magic wand and end the suffering but I can't because this is life.


I think that says it all for me - what a good mantra!

Live for the day folks!

Enjoy what each single day gives you.

*Pictured taken from google chrome search

Sunday, 29 July 2012

A Spoon Full of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

Or does it???

Whenever I hear that dreaded word CANCER

Whenever I hear CHEMOTHERAPY

Dread and saddness grip my heart.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

You have will have will lose your hair....


Straightforward facts..................


Pictures speak a 1000 words 

So when I hear of somebody facing chemo here is what goes through my mind................

Hair loss

Chemicals in your body making you feel ill and strange


Canulas and the attempts to get them in

Fear - Fear - Fear

Mushed up brain - chemo brain - unable to put words into sentences

Forgetting words and names

Missing part of your life


Big big big gaps

Body weakness

Fall in fitness

Aches in bones

Fear - Fear - Fear


So tired you can't listen to music or even talk


Fat fingers

Slow recovery

Hardened veins

Pain constant pain

Feeling as though you have aged 40 years over night

Fear - Fear - Fear

Heart burn

Loss of Control

Tablets - lots and lots and lots of tablets

Emotional lows

Grief and loss


Fear - Fear -Fear

Friday, 27 July 2012

My Life is a Road of Music Part 2

I can mark my life out in music, so many songs for so many reasons so I can only share a few with you.

This song is beautiful but so so sad. It was played at my big brothers funeral in September 1990. He was 25 years old and his car crashed, he died instantly leaving behind a young wife and his one year old daughter. That day he broke many hearts and almost 22 years later he is missed more than anything else in the world.

I remember playing this song over and over and really identifying with it. I was a goth punk at the time and in the 80's goth punk wasn't as fashionable as it was then. For a start we didnt get our clothes and makeup handed to us on a plate in the form of specialist shops. I personally had an idea of how I wanted to look and I had to create that look myself.... this involved dark makeup, lots and lots of hair spray, a basque, black evening gloves and a long pencil skirt sewn up so that I had to walk like Morticia!!! I always remember my mum lecturing me on how I dressed and how negative it was, how it could affect my job etc etc. Ah listen to the lyrics and you will understand.

Wieders Toccatta from Symphony No 5 - ah yes !  A truly beautiful piece of music, I loved it so much because it sounded so fresh, new and rejoiceful. This was the piece of music I chose to walk down the aisle after Jason and I were married. You can imagine my upset and desperate disappointment when it wasnt played because the organist forgot the music!!

I had many hard times growing up which had a huge impact on me, my self confidence etc. but eventually having had cognitive therapy I was able to come to terms with my past and move forward. At this point, this song said it all for me.

I was diagnosed with HER2 Pos, hormone receptive stage 3 breast cancer. I was told that because of my young age they were going to hit me with everything. This involved surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 rounds of radiotherapy and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have small veins so half way through the chemo they started to collapse and become hard so canulating me became a traumatic experience. I remember going to chemo sessions and fear would grip my heart... I would play and sing this song loudly and it gave me the courage to walk into the war and let battle commence.

And finally I come to Love Hope Strength..... Listen to the words and I can identify with them so well... The click click click of the killing machines - the IV drips you get hooked up to.............

I cry when I listen to this song because I have faced cancer twice and I have kicked its sorry arse with the help of music and friends.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

My Life is a Road of Music

Music has always been a part of my life from the age dot! My first memory is the old piano my mum had. What a beautiful piece of furniture it was too..... Walnut with patterns, real ivory and ebony keys - I loved to sit and play on that but was always wary of the lid shutting on little fingers!

I liked it when the man came to tune the piano and I could look inside. I don't think he was interested in little children, I think I used to get in the way.

My last memory of that beautiful piece of furniture was sacrilage! My mum chopped it up - don't know why but she did. So sad.

I always remember Andy Williams on the radio and I hated it, still do now.... Great tune, nice voice BUT I always associate that music and his voice with rainy days when I was confined to the house, colouring in stupid pictures while mum did housework.

My friends and I grew up in the 70's and early 80's the days of Fame, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. We decided to have our own little dance routine to Needles and Pins. We would rehearse in my garage away from the teasing of the boys. The vinyl single would be put on the old fashioned player and off we would go on our routine.

The Funky Gibbon by the Goodies was one of the first singles I ever bought. My brothers and I clubbed our pocket money together to buy it. Boy that record got played and played and we knew all of the actions! It still makes me smile to think about it.

Depeche Mode were always my favourite band to dance to at the DISCO!!! I loved their albums which were forever on my turn table.

Ooh early 80's Depeche Mode were the first band I ever saw live, I think it was in Manchester Apollo....

To be continued.................

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Life Just Went By Without Me Knowing

I know its a strange title!

However its true and at the moment I am coming to terms with what's happened and how I feel about it all.

16th January 2009 my life stopped.

I found a lump in my breast and after that its been years of surgery, chemo, radio, herceptin, CT scans, Isotope Scans, MRI Scans, hormone treatment............ aarrgghh

I think I kind of became a human robot, going through the motions and living each day as best I could. That day my life as I knew it abruptly changed forever.

I could have dealt with that had I not had young children but now in 2012 having had a second cancer, I feel as though my eyes have opened and my 7 and 10 year olds are now 11 and 13.

Harry left primary school last week.

I had a whole range of emotions but mostly I found myself grieving for the years I had lost through cancer. The fact that I was too ill to carry on the fight for my sons education, the parties and activities I missed, the school yard even.

So much has happened in that school, so many hardships and disappointments but so many good times and such joy.

I may have lost those years but I have gained the rest. Had I not found that lump, had I delayed getting it checked out, I may not be here now typing this. This is what I focus on.

I still can't wear my wedding, engagement or eternity rings but I don't mind because I am wearing my Nain's wedding ring and that makes the adjustment easier. It will only be for a few more years until my hormone treatment is over anyway.

My hair is long now not like this, this seems like a life time ago when Chemo stole it. It has come back thicker, shinier and its growing really well - I want to grow it to my waist so that I can have 7 inches taken off and donate it to a child cancer charity who specialise in making wigs for those kids.

I am still smiling because despite the bad side of cancer there are so many good things that have come from it. Its an experience, a life changing one. It not only changes your body forever but it changes your mind set.

I feel as though I have been at sea..... ship wrecked...... struggling to stay afloat, going under but being pulled back up gasping for air. At one point I almost reached shore only to be swept back out again but eventually I made it. I got to shore and at the moment I am lieing at the waters edge, catching my breath ready to walk into the sun and discover what beauty lies beyond the dangerous sea which held me for so long.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Erosion of our Village

When I moved to Rossett 17 years ago I moved to a quiet part of the village which was vibrant with wildlife, tractors, country smells and sounds.

In that short time my home has changed beyond belief. I don't see Robins in my garden anymore, or Song Thrushes, White Collared Doves or even Wood pigeons.... I don't even know if the resident hedgehog is still here and I no longer hear the call of the vixen to her fox cubs during the night.

Ancient woodland has been chopped down, gardens have been built on and old land mark buildings knocked down.

Orchard Cottage which was beautiful and full of wildlife situated next to the local woods and lake was replaced with about 12 "luxury" homes.

The local High School tennis courts were ear marked to be replaced with luxury homes but I set up a petition  which helped our councillor to challenge the plans and over turn them. The tennis courts are now due to be refurbished in order to be used by the school and the community.

I used to be able to walk and cycle up Gamford Lane but this has become a rat race with commuters using it as a short cut to Chester.

My favourite Black Thorn tree was cut down so that the owners of the house could have a better view of the golf course. That tree supplied many a Sloe berry for the Sloe Gin I made for Christmas presents.

Hedgerows have been pulled up and replaced with Beech trees, Laurels or Conifers. Gone with them are the berries which fed the birds and the Blackberries which I used to make my jam.

I am so sad by the greed of the world we live in.

They are intent on ruining villages and rural locations, destroying villages and turning them into "base camps" for the city chaps who want to benefit from the "rural" location and the cheaper taxes of Wales but don't wish to be part of our community or our culture.

Most of all I am sad about the depletion of wild life which was one of the most wonderful things about living here.

When will the erosion stop?

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Weird Feelings

Over the last couple of days I have had really strange and weird feelings which I honestly can't explain.

I feel as though my life isn't my life, as if I have been transported from another life and into this one. The feelings I have is that everything is new and strange but not frightening or horrid.