Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

Celebrate Life

January is always a tense month for me because its the month when I found my first breast cancer lump, the month the docs found the second and when I get all of my tests done and find out if I am clear or not.

Well.............................

This January 2013

I got my 4 and 1 year clear for my cancers!

It was worrying for an hour or so because they had found differences in the mammogram images so I had to have another mammogram and an ultra sound to check their findings.

A huge, massive, amazing sigh of relief when they were reported as normal and I was still in remission!

Another positive which came out of my check up was the fact that my wonderful and amazing surgeon has requested that I could change my hormonal drugs back to tamoxifen.

OK I still had back pain while on tamoxifen BUT I didn't have the small bone pain which is in my ribs, feet, fingers, hands, wrists........

So.............. fingers crossed......................

They sanction the change and I can get on with my life!!!

On this note I just want to say how thankful I am to be living in Great Britain where we are fortunate enough to have the NHS. This means that I get the treatment I need with no questions asked and no worries about medical bills.

*images courtesy of google*

A Spoon Full of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

Or does it???

Whenever I hear that dreaded word CANCER

Whenever I hear CHEMOTHERAPY

Dread and saddness grip my heart.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

You have cancer......you will have chemotherapy.....you will lose your hair....

Facts.................

Straightforward facts..................

IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE!

Pictures speak a 1000 words 

So when I hear of somebody facing chemo here is what goes through my mind................

Hair loss

Chemicals in your body making you feel ill and strange

Poisen

Canulas and the attempts to get them in

Fear - Fear - Fear

Mushed up brain - chemo brain - unable to put words into sentences

Forgetting words and names

Missing part of your life

Gaps

Big big big gaps

Body weakness

Fall in fitness

Aches in bones

Fear - Fear - Fear

Tiredness

So tired you can't listen to music or even talk

Steroids 

Fat fingers

Slow recovery

Hardened veins

Pain constant pain

Feeling as though you have aged 40 years over night

Fear - Fear - Fear

Heart burn

Loss of Control

Tablets - lots and lots and lots of tablets

Emotional lows

Grief and loss

Mourning

Fear - Fear -Fear

My Life is a Road of Music Part 2

I can mark my life out in music, so many songs for so many reasons so I can only share a few with you.

This song is beautiful but so so sad. It was played at my big brothers funeral in September 1990. He was 25 years old and his car crashed, he died instantly leaving behind a young wife and his one year old daughter. That day he broke many hearts and almost 22 years later he is missed more than anything else in the world.

I remember playing this song over and over and really identifying with it. I was a goth punk at the time and in the 80's goth punk wasn't as fashionable as it was then. For a start we didnt get our clothes and makeup handed to us on a plate in the form of specialist shops. I personally had an idea of how I wanted to look and I had to create that look myself.... this involved dark makeup, lots and lots of hair spray, a basque, black evening gloves and a long pencil skirt sewn up so that I had to walk like Morticia!!! I always remember my mum lecturing me on how I dressed and how negative it was, how it could affect my job etc etc. Ah listen to the lyrics and you will understand.

Wieders Toccatta from Symphony No 5 - ah yes !  A truly beautiful piece of music, I loved it so much because it sounded so fresh, new and rejoiceful. This was the piece of music I chose to walk down the aisle after Jason and I were married. You can imagine my upset and desperate disappointment when it wasnt played because the organist forgot the music!!

I had many hard times growing up which had a huge impact on me, my self confidence etc. but eventually having had cognitive therapy I was able to come to terms with my past and move forward. At this point, this song said it all for me.

I was diagnosed with HER2 Pos, hormone receptive stage 3 breast cancer. I was told that because of my young age they were going to hit me with everything. This involved surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 rounds of radiotherapy and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have small veins so half way through the chemo they started to collapse and become hard so canulating me became a traumatic experience. I remember going to chemo sessions and fear would grip my heart... I would play and sing this song loudly and it gave me the courage to walk into the war and let battle commence.

And finally I come to Love Hope Strength..... Listen to the words and I can identify with them so well... The click click click of the killing machines - the IV drips you get hooked up to.............

I cry when I listen to this song because I have faced cancer twice and I have kicked its sorry arse with the help of music and friends.

Whats Normal Anyway

It's been a tough three years I can tell you.

2009 started so well, my dog grooming business was booming, I was in the best emotional state I had been in for 40 years, my teeth had just come out of braces (something I should have done when I was younger) I was fit, training for my first 10K race on 1st March 2009 when I found a lump in my breast.

So I had breast cancer and 2 years worth of treatment.

Nothing could have prepared me for the "afterwards" though. The fact that when therapy is over you think you are going to pick up where you left off. It was like running 100mph and hitting a brick wall - the impact on me emotionally was phenomenal.

To top it all I had "friend" issues which carried on to the social networks, it was all very intense, totally uncalled for and it came at a time in my life when I was coming to terms with the end of 2 years of cancer treatment.

So I plodded along, in constant pain and wishing that I could get my 5 year all clear FAST and I could get on with my life when at the begining of this year, 2012 I was called back after a routine mammogram and was told that I had another breast cancer in my other breast.

Luck was with me again and this time it was a low grade cancer but still hormone sensitive so the tamoxifen hadn't been doing a good enough job of taking care of me.

I remember waiting for the final results, thank goodness I had the Gathering to go to, meeting up with the Wasting Land folk and all of my other friends made life liveable for those few days and certainly gave me enough strength to get through the rest of the process.

So..... an operation..... radiotherapy..... and hormone treatment which involves a monthly abdominal injection to shut down my ovaries and a new drug called letrozol to stop my body from absorbing the oestrogen it makes.

Sadly the side effects of letrozol have left me with arthritic like pain in my hands, feet, knee joints and my back.

Having discussed the side effects with my onocologist I have found out a combination of painkillers I can take which so far.... day one.... have made a difference. He wants me to stay on the letrozol for as long as I can and if that means chronic pain but no cancer - then on it I will stay!

The good news was the result of my 2nd MRI scan which this time, was conclusive. The crack in my sacral joint is due to an old fracture, wear and tear and NOT cancer! This is the news I needed to boost my spirits.

So now.... after 3 years and 6 months I feel as though I am back to normal or as normal as my life can ever be having survived cancer twice.

I am in constant pain, I am struggling to shift the weight (another side effect of the anti cancer drugs) but the best part is that I am alive and although I am unable to live my life at 100mph as I used too I am learning to adapt and make changes so that eventually I will be back to the old me, a little more scarred and wiser from my journey.

I think that living with cancer or living with having fought cancer more than once can only be done with the right attitude and that is a positive one, and SMILE - smiling is a great way of fighting the fight. I couldn't have done it without my family and my friends old and new who pick me up when I fall and cheer with me when I succeed. You know who you all are if you are reading this and you have helped me in more ways than you can ever know.

Its the little things that friends do to support you, the word, the gesture, the caring.

I feel better than I have felt in three years to be fair. I have my energy back and my zest for life which never really left but it was tested to the point of breaking.

I have a fabulous husband, I am lucky to still have my mum around who worries far too much about this tough old cookie, I have my fabulous sons who have taught me so much about myself and life, my animals who are not only my best friends and family, they are my therapists then there are my friends.............

So without any more clonc and fuss.......... its onwards and upwards we go..........

Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Cancer?

I had my routine mammogram at the Shooting Star Unit in Wrexham Hospital just over a week ago so you can imagine how upset I was to receive a phone call the next day calling me in for another mammogram. I had my appointment scheduled for last Thursday when the radiographer was in the unit so if I needed a scan or biopsy it could be done then and there.

I was so glad to have the Gathering 20 that weekend which took my mind off my situation and gave me the posititivy and strength to face the challenge that lay ahead.

When I got to the unit, they explained that they had seen a slight change in my other breast and wanted to do another mammogram, if the area "went away" during the mammo then great, it was just me but if not they needed to take a closer look.

There was no lump palpable and the area in question was quite deep so the Xray team had to mark the area with the X you can see in the picture. The mammogram itself pinched like hell this time because they had to get a tight squeeze.

Unfortunately, the lump didn't "go away" during the mammogram and so I was sent to see the radiographer for a scan.

From what the radiographer could see, he decided he wanted to take a biopsy. So the area of my breast was numbed and a scanner was used in order to locate the area with the biopsy needle (pictured above). The reason they needed to use the scanner was because the area they were looking at was so tiny (good news for me).

It was quite a long drawn out process because he had to "rummage" around in order to get a sample and that was tense.... putting up with the sensations and waiting for the click (rather like an industrial stapler). Two samples were taken.

I had a big sigh of relief when it was over I can tell you!

So this is the dressing they placed over the biopsy site, had to remain in place for 24 hours to avoid any infection.

 A little bit of blood seeping through the dressing.

This is my lumpectomy scar from my last cancer. The lump was the size of a ten pence piece and a stage 3 tumour - not nice! The reason the scar isn't very tidy is because I had a hematoma after the operation, Mr Cochrane offered me the opportunity to go back into theatre to have it drained but I wanted out of there quickly and didnt want any more pain so I gracefully declined. Later on Mr Gates tried to drain it through the scar but it wasn't playing ball. I don't mind apart from the pain it gave me and the scar really doesn't bother me because I see it was a "medal" - proof that I kicked cancers big fat ass!

Not so long ago, if you had a breast tumour all of your lymph nodes were taken out. This left ladies with a disability, with lymphodema, a painful condition and compromised life style. Due to research they now inject into your nipple before the operation and they can trace the lymph nodes directly linked to the cancer lump. I got away with only having three nodes removed and thankfully these were cancer free. The scar under my arm is neat. I haven't regained all of the feeling in that area even after 3 years but it honestly doesn't both me at all. Oh and after surgery you pee blue lol.

I can feel the "pull" of the op sites when I move but I have full mobility so its not an issue for me at all.

So this is what the biopsy site looks like now, bruised but nowhere near as bad as the biopsy taken from my last lump. Last time, even wearing a sports bra I was unable to run for weeks.

I had a brief chat with Mr Cochrane after the procedure and his words were "you can see I am relaxed, you can see I am not concerned". Basically if the area in question does turn out to be cancer, it has been caught right at the very start of its growth, I am totally amazed that they spotted it at all. So the upside of it is, it will mean a small lumpectomy, some nodes taken to be checked and thats it!!

I am very lucky to be living in North Wales and to be treated by such a competant and amazing team of surgeons, nurses and oncologists, I honestly do owe them my life.

NOW: important note here!!! I am not posting this to get sympathy, I am not posting this to get comments like "oh aren't you brave". I am not brave I just get on with the shit life throws at me, I deal with things head on because thats all you can do. I am writing this post so that if it is read, it could put a persons mind at rest, a cancer diagnosis doesn't mean horrendous disfigurement or a death sentence.

When I was originally diagnosed, I searched the net looking for pictures of lumpectomies and the ones I found were severe and very frightening.

Also, breast cancer isnt limited to us ladies, 300 men are diagnosed each year! Also, cancer doesn't have any age boundaries. Keep vigilant!