Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

A Spoon Full of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

Or does it???

Whenever I hear that dreaded word CANCER

Whenever I hear CHEMOTHERAPY

Dread and saddness grip my heart.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

You have cancer......you will have chemotherapy.....you will lose your hair....

Facts.................

Straightforward facts..................

IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE!

Pictures speak a 1000 words 

So when I hear of somebody facing chemo here is what goes through my mind................

Hair loss

Chemicals in your body making you feel ill and strange

Poisen

Canulas and the attempts to get them in

Fear - Fear - Fear

Mushed up brain - chemo brain - unable to put words into sentences

Forgetting words and names

Missing part of your life

Gaps

Big big big gaps

Body weakness

Fall in fitness

Aches in bones

Fear - Fear - Fear

Tiredness

So tired you can't listen to music or even talk

Steroids 

Fat fingers

Slow recovery

Hardened veins

Pain constant pain

Feeling as though you have aged 40 years over night

Fear - Fear - Fear

Heart burn

Loss of Control

Tablets - lots and lots and lots of tablets

Emotional lows

Grief and loss

Mourning

Fear - Fear -Fear

Bad Luck

I thought 2011 was a bad year for me with the sudden death of my much loved Aunty Heather, the tragic death of my best friend Poppy (dog), a so called friend turning out to be nothing of the sort and some online bullying and my fight with depression.

2012 has proved to be a right shiner so far and we are only five months in.......

I found out that I had a second breast cancer, my back has been killing me, my dog was seriously ill, the insurance company is turning down my claim for him, Cola hurt his back and Jason has dislocated his shoulder. I don't think I can take any more!

Having said that alot of good things have happened too so I  can't be all gloom and doom!

The first and best was the arrival of Snowy, our white miniature schnauzer and little monkey!!

The Gathering in Pontins was completely awesome and we met some fabulous friends.

....and I have some fab plans for the rest of the year!

I am off to a friends wedding next week and that will mean my meeting up with some superb people. I have gigs booked and am going with an excellant friend "Black Stone Cherry" and "Tyketto", quite possibly "Killing for Company" and I am walking up Snowdon to raise money for the Love Hope Strength Foundation.

Snowdon is one of my most favourite places in the world so I am looking forward to that very much.

Although bad has happened to me this year, good has come from it in a funny kind of way.

Into the Countdown - Wilbur

I received a phone call on Monday offering me an appointment for an MRI scan on Wilbur on Tuesday - the next day. This was such a great weight off my shoulders because I had been told it would be Wednesday and I have an appointment myself first thing for the results of my biopsy.

I discussed Wilbur at length with the vet and scheduled the appointment in Nantwich for 10.10am.

Very nervous not just about the MRI but driving to an unknown place and on my own.

8.50 came and my lovely friend J arrived, telling me she was going to drive me there. My ace neighbour F took Harry to school for me and the star C turned Cola out - such a network of brilliant friends supporting me when I most needed it.

We got to Nantwich in good time despite the fog in Rossett although our first port of call was to an Ostepaths clinic. After considering the place for a few minutes we realised that we were definately in the wrong place only to find the vetinary hospital staring us in the face over the road.

When we met Mr Mayo he was lovely. He was very direct and very open about the matter. Upon examining Wilbur and looking at his Xrays and notes he was 99% certain that he would be dealing with a prolapsed disc. He explained the procedure in such a great way I really could visualise the operation they would carry out.

Mr Mayo gave Wilbur a sedative which contained morphene. The morphene made him a little sick but once the meds worked he relaxed for the first time in weeks.

Mr Mayo took him away and promised to telephone me when the op was over.

So you can imagine my surprise when he phoned me (while I was in Pets at Home) to say that Wilbur had had the MRI scan and it was not a prolapsed disc. He had an area of internal inflammation which was pressing on his spinal cord. He needed to take a biopsy to find out what this was.

Worst case scenario - cancer. If that is the diagnosis then there will be no treatment for my little boy.

However, Mr Mayo was certain that this wasn't cancer, that it was a genetic auto immune disease which caused inflammation. He had seen one other dog with this condition and although he didnt appear to respond to treatment initially, suddenly, he was better and has never looked back.

So now, Wilbur is staying in the hospital overnight so that they can monitor him. Hopefully I will collect him tomorrow and bring him home with some stronger pain killers.

The results of the biopsy come through on Friday and then his steroid treatment can begin.

I must admit that my first reaction to this news was "why me?" Not only am I facing test result myself I now have to wait for them for Wilbur.

I really thought that after today, Wilburs pain would be over and he could start his healing process.

I just have no luck with dogs at all.......

This is Bobbi, she was my rescue dog and my "wish come true" my little soul mate. She died of cancer aged just 5.

Morgan was aged 4 and had to be put to sleep because of a neurological condition.

Poppy although not my dog, she was like my god-daughter dog died age almost 5 in my arms having been run over by a tractor.

Sometimes I really dont know if I can handle any more pain of loss.

Why me though?