I can't explain how it feels to be me right now.
The war is over and I have won but I am not euphoric over my victory because I am exhausted and taking time out to catch my breath and heal my wounds.
How can I be euphoric when so many fellow soldiers have fallen in conflict?
I feel sad for them.
I feel guilty for surviving.
I feel even more guilty when I complain because I am still here and they are not.
The war is won but I am scared to celebrate. .... just in case.
I am enjoying the peace now that the turmoil is over. 6 years of fighting and I can't quite believe that it's over at last.
I am loving the fact that I am still alive.
It puts everything into perspective. You know, those people who want to bring you down ... they don't matter. They are living in their own private misery, a place I don't care to visit or even acknowledge.
The fact that I don't have money or a fancy house. .. doesn't matter.
Gone are the days when I would worry about other people.
I have fought a great fight and I won!
So now, I am taking this time to draw breath and appreciate what has been in preparation for what will be.
I understand every word. My situation is not the same, but similar, and the emotions are the same.
ReplyDeleteMentally, I have two cupboards. In one, I put things that are important - being alive, having the support and comfort of good friends and family. Strength has come from the unlikeliest of people and places, once the chips were down. The other cupboard has a lock, and in there I shut away things that aren't important, people who act or speak without thinking, my fears for the future or stuff I'm not ready to face up to just yet.
Last week a friend, who has been through life-changing illness too, gave me some sound advice. She said to grieve and feel angry as much as I wanted, but to never, ever feel guilty. Guilt is such a waste of energy, she said. She's right. ;)
xxx