Life Just Went By Without Me Knowing

I know its a strange title!

However its true and at the moment I am coming to terms with what's happened and how I feel about it all.

16th January 2009 my life stopped.

I found a lump in my breast and after that its been years of surgery, chemo, radio, herceptin, CT scans, Isotope Scans, MRI Scans, hormone treatment............ aarrgghh

I think I kind of became a human robot, going through the motions and living each day as best I could. That day my life as I knew it abruptly changed forever.

I could have dealt with that had I not had young children but now in 2012 having had a second cancer, I feel as though my eyes have opened and my 7 and 10 year olds are now 11 and 13.

Harry left primary school last week.

I had a whole range of emotions but mostly I found myself grieving for the years I had lost through cancer. The fact that I was too ill to carry on the fight for my sons education, the parties and activities I missed, the school yard even.

So much has happened in that school, so many hardships and disappointments but so many good times and such joy.

I may have lost those years but I have gained the rest. Had I not found that lump, had I delayed getting it checked out, I may not be here now typing this. This is what I focus on.

I still can't wear my wedding, engagement or eternity rings but I don't mind because I am wearing my Nain's wedding ring and that makes the adjustment easier. It will only be for a few more years until my hormone treatment is over anyway.

My hair is long now not like this, this seems like a life time ago when Chemo stole it. It has come back thicker, shinier and its growing really well - I want to grow it to my waist so that I can have 7 inches taken off and donate it to a child cancer charity who specialise in making wigs for those kids.

I am still smiling because despite the bad side of cancer there are so many good things that have come from it. Its an experience, a life changing one. It not only changes your body forever but it changes your mind set.

I feel as though I have been at sea..... ship wrecked...... struggling to stay afloat, going under but being pulled back up gasping for air. At one point I almost reached shore only to be swept back out again but eventually I made it. I got to shore and at the moment I am lieing at the waters edge, catching my breath ready to walk into the sun and discover what beauty lies beyond the dangerous sea which held me for so long.