Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Life Just Went By Without Me Knowing

I know its a strange title!

However its true and at the moment I am coming to terms with what's happened and how I feel about it all.

16th January 2009 my life stopped.

I found a lump in my breast and after that its been years of surgery, chemo, radio, herceptin, CT scans, Isotope Scans, MRI Scans, hormone treatment............ aarrgghh

I think I kind of became a human robot, going through the motions and living each day as best I could. That day my life as I knew it abruptly changed forever.

I could have dealt with that had I not had young children but now in 2012 having had a second cancer, I feel as though my eyes have opened and my 7 and 10 year olds are now 11 and 13.

Harry left primary school last week.

I had a whole range of emotions but mostly I found myself grieving for the years I had lost through cancer. The fact that I was too ill to carry on the fight for my sons education, the parties and activities I missed, the school yard even.

So much has happened in that school, so many hardships and disappointments but so many good times and such joy.

I may have lost those years but I have gained the rest. Had I not found that lump, had I delayed getting it checked out, I may not be here now typing this. This is what I focus on.

I still can't wear my wedding, engagement or eternity rings but I don't mind because I am wearing my Nain's wedding ring and that makes the adjustment easier. It will only be for a few more years until my hormone treatment is over anyway.

My hair is long now not like this, this seems like a life time ago when Chemo stole it. It has come back thicker, shinier and its growing really well - I want to grow it to my waist so that I can have 7 inches taken off and donate it to a child cancer charity who specialise in making wigs for those kids.

I am still smiling because despite the bad side of cancer there are so many good things that have come from it. Its an experience, a life changing one. It not only changes your body forever but it changes your mind set.

I feel as though I have been at sea..... ship wrecked...... struggling to stay afloat, going under but being pulled back up gasping for air. At one point I almost reached shore only to be swept back out again but eventually I made it. I got to shore and at the moment I am lieing at the waters edge, catching my breath ready to walk into the sun and discover what beauty lies beyond the dangerous sea which held me for so long.


  1. Sara great post I am going to share this with my cousin xxx

  2. You are a survivor Sara, and as you know you are my inspiration! As I awake each day to find that the pain I had yesterday has moved to yet another part of my body, I always keep you in mind, because although I suffer every day, my illness is not life threatening! It does stop me from doing what I want to do, which is the worst part of it, but it will never kill me! That is a harsh fact, but true! In all the time I have been suffering with my illnesses, I have never once thought 'please just let me die', because to me that would be selfish, cruel and very unfair, because there are so many like you who are fighting to stay alive! Keep up the great work Sara Diana, you are a very special lady! xxxx

  3. This is why I love you so much. Your spirit and your heart. You are a strong woman Sara Diana Williams...but your strength is outmeasured by your spirit. You have explained this experience so well -- the things we missed out on but the trade off ... the realization that had we not discovered the breast cancer we would have missed "everything".

    Your last paragraph simply takes my breath away. ♥


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