Everything has got on top of me, mainly the pain in my back which has been caused by tamoxifen and which has become almost unbearable lately.
I think that I was easing my way back into physical activity because of my energy levels which were still in recovery but getting that energy back has made me realise how physically damaged I am at the moment.
I saw the doctor today but he was a waste of time! He is referring me to the orthopedic section but I don't need that, I need to come off tamoxifen.
Why don't they listen to me?
This is MY body and MY life and the way I feel right now I don't want to go on for another 2, 3 or 4 decades feeling this crap.
I told him I am worried about my weight and he discounted that, f***k the fact that I am 2 stone over my usual weight, have diabetes in both sides of the family and am in an increased risk bracket. He waved that off as though it was nothing.
Why don't they listen to me?
I need to be positive, I need to keep fighting but at the moment the wounds of battle are still open and bleeding (metaphorically speaking of course).
I am tired of fighting, I am tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of putting on a front!
"Don't you look well" people say
"You look amazing!"
I smile politely and agree.........
But do you know what? I am not going to agree anymore because I feel like rubbish and I am sick of fighting pain and feeling ill every flippin day!
I don't feel like laughing or partying anymore, I don't feel as though there is anything left to party for.
Because I honestly thought that once I went through surgery, chemo, radio and herceptin, I would come out of the other side and resume service as normal!
Will service ever be resumed as normal? I very much doubt it where I am sitting right now.
Yeah! I pop the lanzoprazol to keep my chemo damaged digestion at bay, I pop the happy pills to get me through the day, I pop the tamoxifen because apparently although it makes me feel like crap its keeping the cancer from coming back, I pop the loratadine to stop my allergies, take my seretide and ventolin so that I can breathe without feeling someone is sitting on my chest and now I am popping painkillers just so that I can function normally.
Too right I am angry!!
I am bouncing!!
I am seething!!
I really thought that 3 years on I would be me again. I have got hair now, still can't lose the weight and feel like crap but I look ok and yes the hair is there.
Bloody hell what a year!
What pain and loss I have had this year, physically and mentally.
Right now I want to find myself a cave and go into hybernation. Would anybody miss me if I did that?
I just want my life to get back to normal. I want my body back. I want to feel like ME again.
I didn't bargain for this, I didn't expect all of this, it wasn't part of the deal when they were selling me the treatment.