Friday, 31 July 2015


I have put what has happened to me into a box and sealed the lid.

I can't think about what has happened to me this year because it feels as though I have been living as part of a horror movie.

I might be on the road to some sort of recovery physically but emotionally I haven't even started to heal.

The problem with the box that I have put into storage is that I actually forget what I have been through and as a result of that I expect far too much of myself.

I was offered my "dream" job working with horses as a carriage groom at Erddig, a place which has been dear to me all of my life.

It was only when my hubby pointed out the fact that it was too much too soon did I realise the time scale and I acknowledged what my poor body had suffered. It wouldn't be fair on me or my prospective employers.

So I have the range of emotions to deal with. ... anger, injustice, sadness and a feeling of overwhelming despondency. Will I EVER be ME again?

The strong warrior that I am I have taken stock and regrouped. Getting the job was a huge boost to my self esteem which has plummeted and it's given me the push to develop my career further and in other ways.

I received a copy of the letter that my surgeon wrote to my GP and was stunned to find out that my third breast cancer was in fact a relapse of my second but had returned more aggressively.

I am very lucky to have the NHS and the care I have received (apart from my recent surgeries due to cost cutting) has been amazing.

I owe the NHS my life. I am still alive to care for my boys who still need me and somehow I have a purpose in this funny old world to fulfil.


  1. Even though I don't know you and never will I feel moved to send eHugs!

    1. Hugs even cyber ones are always acceptable

  2. Just seen the time you posted this - hope it was done automatically! Otherwise I shall suggest hot chocolate...

  3. I have been keeping tabs on you, but unable to post as I didn't want to transfer my pain, suffering and experience on to you. My chest looks like yours but with the zipper effect on both sides and then under my right arm. I can always be found somewhere on line if you ever want to chat. I am seven years post double mastectomy and my failed reconstruction and sepsis, Thankfully my back pain and chest pain is mostly gone

    1. Bless you xx

      I want to educate via my experience. I haven't known anyone who has had failed reconstruction.


  4. I am so sorry about the job :-( I didn't realise you hadn't taken it, but I can see and appreciate where Jason was coming from. I am sure something just as good will be ready for you when you are ready and fit enough to take on the challenge xxx


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