Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Friday, 16 October 2015
I confess to having had the darkest thoughts ever to the point of even starting to organise my stuff.....
I posted a poem this morning trying to describe how I feel and it was pretty dark.
I continued with my day which consisted of Cola and dog walking. Being around animals and nature is medicine for my soul and it didn't disappoint today.
I normally shy away from human company when I feel low and today was no exception. However, while walking number 2 dog.... I came across a guy I have known ever since I have lived in this village. We used to train at the same gym and passed each other on our running sessions. We have always exchanged niceties but not had a proper conversation until today.
Out of the blue he crossed over and invited himself on our walk. We talked in a very matter of fact kind of way and he introduced the subject of God and how He makes us stronger. I wont go into the detail of the conversation but when we parted company I felt as though I had been lifted spiritually.
The day went on and my jobs were done.
I had the choice of riding Cola or not. I felt low so I decided not but out of the blue took myself to Broughton for a Costa hot chocolate.
I sat on my own and tried to keep myself to myself avoiding eye contact but this little old lady kept catching my eye.
She instigated a conversation about coffee and how hot hers was. The barista came over and replaced it with a cooler version and some extra milk "just in case". The conversation went on until in the end I took myself over to her table and we sat talking about life in general.
She was 90 years old and still independent, full of life and her faculties, she was a joy to be with. Her spirit was infectious. She is fighting lung cancer but still lives life to the full. She gave me advice and good will. As we parted she told me her name was Eve.
Sometimes, if we open our hearts Earth Angels cross our parts and hold our hands until we can walk independantly.
Today, two such Earth Angels held my hand on two seperate occasions and while I am treading cautiously I am in a much better place than I was this morning.
Thank you God.
Into the darkness
The void in my soul is enshrouded in blackness.
Harsh world, harsh life, harsh times.
War torn and battered
Crushed and defeated.
Lifes purpose is gone there is no hope,
The grip of darkness tightens on my soul -
Souls breath seeping out in a silent gasp.
Tick.....time goes on....
When will it stop.
Those black hands, pungent and stinking
Grabbing and pulling me down into the shroud.
Each time I dive in a little further, a little darker....
Worthless and broken
Failing and failed
Dead and deadened
To the lyrics of the song:
Thursday, 15 October 2015
Today I read a blog shared on facebook by a friend and WOW it really did echo exactly how I have been feeling lately. (Just click on the highlighted text and you will be taken there).
On Monday morning, following a pretty traumatic weekend with my teenage autistic son, I had the misfortune of seeing Victoria Derbyshires video diary being advertised on breakfast news. She is 47 and has just had a mastectomy. Shes decided to make this diary and share it everywhere to prove..... prove what???
Do you know what that diary did to me? It made me cry and it made me feel like a complete failure. I went out that morning and thank God for my horse and dog walking because I felt as though I had lost my fight against cancer, that I had lost every ounce of strength I had in me...... Yes Victoria I said my fight against cancer and NOT me being treated for cancer!!!
These celebrities in their glass houses really should put their brains into gear before they decide to spout off about their experiences.
Did she get chucked out of hospital 24 hours after surgery?
Did her husband have to empty and monitor both of the drains for 2 weeks?
Did her husband have to inject her in her stomach every day?
Did her husband have to change dressings with gangrene and rotting flesh?
Does she struggle with bone pain due to cancer drugs and treatment. Painful scars and reduced mobility? Are her hands inflamed so she has lost her grip? Do her insides feel as though acid had been thrown down them? Has she lost years of her children's lives because she has been busy getting poisoned in order to live?
Yep, you can tell I am pretty upset!
Its not just her diary though its everything relating to cancer.
Brave the Shave for example..... PLEASE do not trivialise hair loss through cancer treatment. If you CHOOSE (important word here being choose) to shave your head, then its your choice. You don't experience the sensations of crawling flesh as each hair follicle dies, and the soreness that comes with it. The nakedness of suddenly being exposed as a cancer patient. Not a choice anymore.
Then there are the parties. I get that people are trying to help raise money and awareness and that's brilliant, its great but excuse me if I don't attend or buy tickets for that function because it doesn't sit right with me at the moment. Having fun in the name of cancer.
You might have guessed that I am in a bad place at the moment emotionally. I think I am still processing all that I have experienced, the disfigurement and the losses I have had forced on me by the disease.
I think its great that people are talking about the disease but lets be careful not to trivialise it or to get drawn in to media driven publicity
Monday, 12 October 2015
I didn't have a great weekend. I won't go into detail but it left me feeling anxious and sick today.
Then on the news is this reporter who has just had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer and she's there in her hospital bed all bright and cheery saying she's not fighting cancer she's just being treated for it.
I burst into tears.
Lucky bloody you I thought to myself.
She obviously hadn't been chucked out of hospital the next day after the procedure with no after care. She obviously hasn't got a clue what it's like to live with the disease.
This week an amazing man Mike Peters is starting his 3rd fight with cancer and this woman's attitude really upset me.
I know people deal with things in different ways but not everyone gets 5 star hospital treatment. She made me feel even more like a failure.