Struggling

I have been struggling of late.

Thankfully I have been getting support from my GP and a counsellor at Nightingale House. I am trying to sort through my feelings and put them into some sort of order.

I think that when I had my surgery last year I was in rush mode.. I didn't have time to think things through I just followed the advice I was given and made decisions in some sort of shocked zombie mode.

Had I had the luxury of time I am not sure that I would have made the same decisions.

However that is in the past now and its the future I must look to.

Losing my mum was a huge blow. I honestly still can't believe she has gone and when the realisation hits me I feel physically sick to the core.

I am wearing my prosthetics less and less now. They are not me, they are not part of me and for goodness sake they don't even look like my old boobs did!

I am starting to err towards not having reconstructive surgery. I have had too many operations and radical treatments in a shortish space of time, I am not sure how much more either my body or my mind can take. 

Other people have worse scars than me and have to have them on show, they have no choice. People look at me and think I am just a woman with a small chest.

The thought of more major surgery and wasting more of my life on recovery just for aesthetic purposes doesn't float my boat at the moment. The scars are fading and I am getting used to them now. 

I just want to focus on getting fit and healthy again and to be perfectly honest with you the fact that I have no boobs is actually quite nice. I no longer have to strap myself into a sports bra in order to run or ride my horse. I can do exercises without the whoppers getting in the way which they did quite alot and my back is less painful now the weight has gone from my chest.

I am enjoying life most of the time. 

Last week I came down from an incredible high to a low.... The lowest point was last Thursday when the black thoughts crept back into my mind.

I kind of know when I am slipping because when I look in the mirror I see ugliness, an ugly face, I hate what I see. The mind is a weird thing isn't it.

One thing that I am coming to terms with, is the enormity of what I have been fighting. I have spent the last 7 years fighting for my life and in my head I have switched that notion off. Its as though I couldn't acknowledge just how serious a situation my health was in.

I am getting there slowly.... baby steps, always baby steps towards the greater goal.