Struggling

 I am struggling to live at the moment.

2015 was the year I stopped living. 

Cancer has beaten me in the end

I have lost everything and everyone I care about

I never in a million years thought I would be living my life without my shadow, Wilbur. I had mentally prepared myself for Pickles as she was approaching but not him. He was my soulmate, my love, my life. He loved me so much and guarded me, always with me. I miss him beyond words.

My children grew up in the decade I was ill fighting cancer and now they are adults and have left or are about to leave. I feel as though my soul has been crushed.

So many losses in my life. So many things that I have had to grieve for.

I live in constant pain and it makes me tired. I get drunk so that I can escape this world just for the night. 

I hate life.

There is nothing I look forward to doing anymore. I dont want to do anything or see anyone.

I cant read books anymore or listen to music. I go out to places but the no longer bring me joy or happiness.

I feel as though I have no future left.

I hit crisis today because work are talking about return to office and I dont want to go back to what it was. I dont want to sit on reception as a sitting target for infection I dont want to be around people anymore.

I am struggling.