A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

Keep on keeping on

I never thought that I would ever say this but I am starting to accept the new me. The weird sensations of repairing tissue is easing as is the pain.

Time is indeed a healer.

One thing that is taking longer to get over is the tiredness and the way I don't seem to bounce back from illness as before.

I am feeling anxious about life in general too and that's not very pleasant.

The things that help with everything I am going through is keeping a positive mind set. Never ever make an excuse why you can't. ... a reason is acceptable as is a compromise but never an excuse!

The cadets. I love being a civilian instructor. To mix with an amazing set of young adults and to be a part of helping them to shape their future.

My horse. Yes he is my Guardian Angel. We live parallel lives and we give to each other unconditionally and from the heart.

My family. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.  They give me direction and purpose.

My faith.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring be it good or bad. I don't even know why I am here or why I have been spared but I do know that 3 cancers in 6 years = pretty shitty but I am alive and my heart is still beating.

Never give up on life. Just keep on keeping on.

When Shopping Is Practical

So....

Mastectomy and reconstruction is scheduled for 17th February all going well.

Having had two lumpectomies in the last few years I decided to be practical and order a couple of post operative bras.

Not the best shopping experience but a necessary evil.

Karma - Let It Go!

I have some stuff going on in my life right now which is causing me distress. It's not major stuff so don't worry. I am healthy (as far as I know) and I am alive and happy. The part of my life is one which should be relaxing and peaceful but sadly by the action of others it is not.

I have been building up resentment in my heart and that in turn has upset me and stressed me out because I don't want to feel negative emotions, they are detrimental to ones harmony and well being.

Then, today, on facebook - this message was posted by Emma Sims Holistic Therapies - I read it and I took note.

This is so right so today I will meditate for peace in my soul and the release of my negative feelings. After all, I am not responsible for the action of others - their actions, their karma - their lesson.

Namaste.

Love Hope Strength

Life is Good

I really feel at peace with life right now.

I am in a good place for once in my life.

The fog is starting to lift from my mind, my thought processes are becoming clearer, I am beginning to get myself back after the last 4 1/2 years of hell.

Things have changed so much during that time, life doesn't stand still just because you are fighting for your life.

Cost of living has gone up (allot) and my husbands wages have gone down (allot), with me not working since 2009 - we are under pressure economically. I never ever thought that we would be in this situation at this stage of our life together but having said that I never ever thought that I would get cancer TWICE.

Over the last week or so we have made some big decisions. We are going to down scale what we have so that we can consolidate our finances whilst supporting our youngest son through a difficult transition to a new school (I will cover that one in a post of its own). With him being on the Autistic spectrum its important to channel my energies into him.

During this time I am going to do more courses and studying so that when the time is right I can launch a brand new business. 

The thoughts are in my head at the moment, still in that brain storming phase before I put pen to paper and a plan of how I am going to achieve these goals.

Big changes in our lives but exciting times really. 

Things to look forward to.

At the end of the day I have a most beautiful soul mate in my pony Cola, I have my dogs, a fabulous husband and two (stressful) but gorgeous sons, an amazing support network of brilliant friends and most of all I have my life and my health. 

Life is good.

Faith

I am at a point in my life where I am being reminded of my faith in God. I have always kept my dialogue going with Him but from time to time you need to bring yourself into line and remember that if you put yourself into His arms, He will look after you.

All my life He has cared for me.

Whatever I have asked Him for He has given me, maybe not in the conventional way but He has always answered my prayers.

I could fill a book with examples of this but I won't do that, I will just cherry pick a couple of my life experiences.

One of my oldest memories as a 3 year old was praying for a rag doll and one day, out of the blue my Nain visited us bringing with her a rag doll she had won in a raffle. I couldn't believe it! I called her LuLu, she was an ugly thing but I loved that doll not just because it was what I wanted but because of what she represented to me.

Our family dog was a rescue called Patch, she was in our family before I was born! I loved her so much and was in awe of her connection with my mum. I longed for a relationship like that with a dog and I used to sit at the bottom of our garden and pray for a dog, a special dog. She would be small and scruffy and she would follow me and love me........ I waited 20 years for that dog and in a random way she came to me in my wonderful soul mate Bobbi. I always refered to her as my "wish come true" and "my gift from God".

Bobbi was with me for such a short time but she got me through a very difficult time in my life. Trying for a family. I used to confide in her, cry on her, she was my rock and when my Joe was born..... she had cancer at age 5 and she left me. Her job on this earth was done and I hold her in my heart forever.

I need to find it in myself to put myself into Gods arms again. I have big things in my life right now, things which will affect others and I need His guidance and His care to make sure I follow the right path.

God is good.