Mixed Emotions

I am a week and a half post pain and infection so healing is happening within my body and I am starting to make myself strong again with exercise and clean eating.

My chronic back pain has re-started because I am walking more. I will have to have further visits to my chiropractor but all in good time..... baby steps, baby steps.

I was awake at 5am, unable to sleep so I listened to the Dawn Chorus. 

"Oh there's a dawn chorus breaking out all over the town"......

Oh my, it's the most beautiful music one can ever listen too. 

Sadly, 6 years ago, the chorus was stunning beyond comprehension but alas with the destruction of woodland and the building of houses in Lavister has pushed the birds away and it's no longer as loud or eclectic as it once was. 

However...... I am blessed! I still have my hearing to hear them and I still have breath in my body to be here to experience it. 

The pain in my lower back was gnawing at me, like a persistent ache so I didn't feel like picking up my kindle to read or indeed, getting up to welcome the day. So, as is usual in these sort of circumstances, my mind wandered .....

I don't want pity.

I don't want sympathy.

I am telling you this in order to cleanse my soul and my mind.

 Writing this blog has always been my therapy. Getting my thoughts and experiences "out there". Who knows, my writing MAY help somebody else ... I hope so.

I managed to categorise how I feel post mastectomy and failed reconstruction. I don't feel ugly, I don't feel sad or unlucky or angry........

I feel different from everyone else.

I feel like a reject.

I feel as though I am no longer attractive or desirable.

Yes, yes I know! I know!

Goodness, I am no longer a young girl. My body has given me two beautiful sons and battled cancer three times - I have lost the bloom of youth but at least with my breasts I felt pretty and now I don't.

I am crying while writing this..... See!! I told you it was cleansing to write and get my thoughts out there. Tears are the bodies way of washing away the dirt and healing the soul.

This will pass.

Life is good! I am alive and I am surrounded by good friends who have supported me and given me the strength to continue my fight.

Every time I stumble, a friend holds out a hand and helps me up.

At the moment, I am holding my friends hands in my mind. My friends don't realise this but their thoughts, gestures and messages are the hands which support my own.

Life is good.

I've Lost Count!!

So much has happened since 17th February that I have lost count on how many weeks have passed since my operation.

A week last Friday I had the stitches removed which had become embedded in my skin. Indeed, two stitches had tangled up with each other and were trapping a nerve hence my pain. Three syringes of fluid was also removed.

This could have been done on the Tuesday had my surgeon been available but instead I had to wait a further 3 days before my suffering ended.

However, the relief was almost instant and from the Sunday I gathered up my courage and started to go back to my horse care routine with continued help from my wonderful friends. I honestly don't know how I would have coped so if you are reading this...... Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So here I am now..... my back pain has returned with a vengence but at least it's not a threat to my life and I know what I need to do to sort it out.

Spending this week with my boy has been the best medicine I ever could have wished for. Just being with him, smelling him, watching him, loving him has filled my heart with so much joy I could burst. (Don't worry, I won't burst because that would be rather messy).

At last, this part of my life is over and I am looking forward to the summer and making the most of life, after all.... you only get one!!

If I Was an Animal.....

I have been plagued by what I think is, a trapped nerve on my left side. I think its around my hip or sacral area where the fracture is and it shoots down my leg.

Is it painful? yes.

As painful as my existing back pain? yes.

More painful as my existing back pain? nope.

Its on the same pain level as what I live with every day but it feels funny and is more annoying, or agrivating like toothache or a headache.

Its worse when I get up in the morning and turning over during the night.

I have been for a run this morning and I know you will be thinking what a silly thing to do that is if I have these pains but honestly, I find that running helps the pain and loosens me up. I am no Olympic athlete, my pace is very slow compared to what I was before 2009 but I plod along and it makes me feel better.

I ran this morning without music because I wanted to do some thinking.

The sun was shining and everywhere looked green and lush and fresh. 

As I was running I thought about my ailments and realised that if I was an animal I would have been put to sleep a long time ago because I do feel broken.

I feel like a broken toy. 

My parts have been glued back together and great attempts have been made to fix me but you can still see the crack lines and I no longer run efficiently..... I am rather slow with the odd cough and splutter then I stop working for a bit......

I honestly feel like a reject. I feel as though nobody would ever find me remotely attractive ever again.

I am working through these feelings and I am sure that with time will come acceptance but at the moment I feel just like this.

some images courtesy of google search engine

Clippers and Claws

Back in January 2009, I was about to start to groom a dog when I discovered the lump in my breast. I carried on with my job as if nothing had happened but I must admit it was a dreadful time.

Once I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks later, I had to make the heart breaking decision to close my business. I physically would not be able to work after surgery and chemotherapy and certainly could not risk the chance of infection.

The side effects of treatments and then a second breast cancer has left me with chronic back and joint pain for which I have to take pain killers. Funnily enough though, running is one thing which actually helps my pain.

I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to work again as a dog groomer and my heart was heavy. I felt completely robbed and even more so when I discovered a groomers had started up in my village.

After a lot of thought and consideration I have decided to relaunch my business again, except that this time I will be offering a mix of mobile dog grooming, on site dog grooming, dog walking and pet care to include small animals and horses.

My pain is under control as long as I manage it properly and take my medications regularly so I am hoping I can do this.

I was honoured to have been asked to organise and judge the dog show at the annual St Peters School fete which took place today. It was such fun and I got a real buzz out of talking "shop" with fellow dog owners.

I have already had quite a bit of interest shown in my company Clippers and Claws and I am hoping that within this year I will have a workshop and I can get my business going well again.

Its been scarey and I am still scared about getting back into grooming after such a long time. Although the truth is I have always groomed throughout - my dogs and those of my friends. Plus its something I love doing with all of my heart.

For a while after my cancer treatment finished I have been acting like a victim.... Well enough is enough because I am not a victim, cancer has not taken anything from me in fact it has given me so much more..... more strength and determination not to mention the wonderful friends I have met along the way.

So there you are.... Clippers and Claws is back!

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

Flippin Cancer

I was diagnosed in 2009 with a nasty breast cancer. Having said that, ALL cancers are flippin' nasty aren't they!!

2012 I had a second breast cancer, other side this time!

I don't carry the breast cancer gene, I don't tick any of the boxes for being at risk of the disease, I suppose I was just a bit unlucky.

Anyway.... blah blah blah I had lots of treatment, surgeries, chemo, herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone treatment.

I was on tamoxifen at first but because another hormone sensitive cancer grew in spite of this they changed my hormone treatment to;

* having my ovaries shut down with monthly injections (for 5 years)
* letrozol

Well..... the thought of having abdominal injections every month for years didn't really appeal to me PLUS the fact that the injections put me into a chemically induced menopause so in 5 years would I come off the injections then go through a natural menopause???? The thought of going through all that twice really filled me with dread so I PUSHED (and I had to push hard) to have an elected Oophorectomy - the best thing I ever did!! Keyhole surgery - recovery time was quicker than my breast ops and the discomfort was minimal.

The letrozol made every bone in my body hurt so I was changed to Arimadex. Although that it is better than the letrozol it still makes me tired, my brain fuzzy and my bones hurt.

On Thursday I am waiting to see my GP to go through some statistics so that I can decide whether or not I continue with the drugs.

My gut feeling is that I have had my ovaries removed which produced 80% of my oestrogen and with me losing weight and toning up my body I will naturally produce less.

I have been on cancer treatment for almost 5 years now, I have lost so much during that time and the side effects have been so hard to live with that I honestly can't face further treatment for another 4 years.

I am extremely lucky to live in Wales, UK so I have the NHS and the North Wales Health Trust has provided me with the best care I could ever have wished for. They are thorough beyond belief and leave no stone unturned.

I honestly want to get on with my life.

Back in 2009 I had to shut down my successful Dog Grooming Business "Clippers and Claws". Living with the side effects I have been unable to restart it and now another groomer has opened in our village. I am angry, I feel cheated and frustrated. If it hadn't been for flippin cancer I would have a salon right now and a successful one too.

So I have to put my frustration to one side and stay focused on the fact that;

1. I am alive
2. I can still groom dogs only not as many at the moment
3. I am taking very positive steps to cure my back pain

Cola and His Bad Back Update

I am not very good at keeping up with my blog, I seem to publish a post a month! I really must do better than that!

Last month I explained how Cola had seen a chiropractor to sort out his back. As luck would have it, my friend who also has her horse on my yard is training to become a chiropractor for horses and dogs. She is extremely knowledgeable and has taken Cola and I under her wing.

Claire has been regularly working on Colas back and has shown me how to carry out simple stretching exercises and strapping which I do on a daily basis. With her help great progress is being made!

Colas weight is dropping and he is now classed as "fat" but borderline ok for his breed. I weighed him yesterday with a weigh tape and he was 504kg so he needs to drop about 20kg. I am sure that we will get to that point very soon.

He is on limited turn out for grass so no more than 5-6 hours per day. His hay is soaked for 24 hours and he has an unlimited supply, he has two small feeds consisting of happy hoof, dynamic balancer and garlic.

So things really are looking up for us!