7 Weeks Post Mastectomy and Reconstruction

I didn't think I would be sitting here with a drain at my side as I am right now.

Seven weeks ago I went in for a double mastectomy and reconstruction in the hope that not only would I be cancer free but I would at least be left with breasts.

Sadly it wasn't my destiny.

Having had one implant removed 2 weeks ago due to an abcess and infection, I was hoping that the other one would be saved.

Everything was going really well up until Thursday of last week when it started to seep a little then by Good Friday it was really discharging, so much so that we had to change the dressings at home.

Thank goodness my surgeon had given me her mobile number so we were able to text her with photographs of the discharge and where it was leaking from.  It was the first time I had ever seen the site and as my son said it was rather like zombie flesh.

I was told to go to the womens ward for 2pm on Saturday but that morning I received a text asking me not to eat or drink that day "just in case".

To be honest with you at that point I knew that excision was inevitable.

She was held up all day so it was gone 5 by the time I saw her but at least I had a hospital bed and J was with me.

She squeezed the breast and nothing seemed to track from the other side but the source was deep seated so behind the implant.

I was taken into surgery at about 6.30.

Putting me to sleep was hell. They tried to canulate my left arm because the op was being done on my right side but the veins are ravaged and honestly it was as though they were driving nails into my veins. My surgeon tried her best to distract me, bless her, but it was horrid and took me right back to the days of chemo. I began to shake with fear, couldn't stop myself at which point she called a halt and told them to canulate the other side and they would work around me.

The cannula went in the other side straight away with nothing more than a pin prick sensation.

When I came around from the anaesthetic I had the shakes but the nurses stayed with me giving me pain relief until it subsided and my pain was managed. 

I even managed to chat about autism and helped a grandma whose 4 year old grandson had just been diagnosed with aspergers. It was nice to know that even at such a bad time for me I was able to help somebody.

The pain this time was incredible stinging.

The surgeon explained that when she opened me up she found a track from the original infection on the other side to this side. She hadn't removed both implants because she thought that there was a bit of hope for me and didn't want me to wake up to the shock of both being taken. I totally "get" that and I am so grateful that she showed humanity and care in that way because there is always hope.

There was no abscess this time but the infection was deep seated so she had to really scrub me out. I had been on antibiotics for over 6 weeks so she wanted me off them.

The next day when she visited me, she was able to flush the wounds out with a local anaesthetic which really did help while the initial healing took place.

2ish days post surgery and each day is better.

I have a drain attached which will be removed tomorrow (with hope) and the stitches will be taken out on Monday.

There is still a bit of damaged tissue remaining which she wasn't able to remove so hopefully that will heal now but there is the possibility of having a VAC fitted to that in order to speed up the healing process. I really hope I don't need one!!!

There IS a purpose to all of this, I just don't know what it is yet.

Bodies

Our bodies are wonderful and amazing things and we honestly do not give them the credit they deserve.

My body is the house of my soul, my spirit. 

I have spent my entire life criticising my body......

"I am not thin enough"

"my tummy is too fat"

"My skin is too white"

"I don't like my freckles"

"My celulite is ugly"

"My hair is straight I want it curly"

"my hair is too short I want it long"

"my hair is too long I want it short"

"my teeth are not white enough or straight enough"

"my boobs are too big"

"my boobs are not as pretty as they were"

etc  etc etc etc etc blah blah blah

We are indocrinated from birth by the media that to be wanted, accepted, loved and to be successful we have to look a certain way all of the time!

Most of the images we are force fed are photo shopped and the model in question takes one footstep out of the shoot area and yep her hair has flopped and her high heels are off because they hurt.

Whats wrong with being curvey? That soft pillow of flesh which our children love to cuddle and feel comforted by. The curves which can keep us alive. Whats wrong with them? Why do we have to be perfect?

Flawless skin? Who on this earth has unblemished skin?

Aargh enough!!!!!

Just look at what my fantastic body has produced......

In my early 20's I harmed my body with an eating dishorder. I battled this disorder up until my early 40's but the damage I did through not eating has dictated my lifes path forever.

As soon as I started to eat again, I began to over exercise..... This caused my hormones to go totally hay wire and I ended up with polycystic ovary syndrome. This meant that weight was hard to shift and having children would proved difficult.

To cut throught the crap and cut to the chase I had my beautiful boys, my body gave them to me and made it possible to feed them, nourish them and wrap them in unconditional love.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 my body had already contained the cancer by calcifying it, making it hard and entombing it to prevent its spread.

How cool is that? Thank you body.

Over the years my body has endured 4 surgeries, 12 rounds of chemo, 18 rounds of targeted chemo (herceptin), 30 doses of radiotherapy..... I have had bone problems, lost my hair, my veins have corded and turned into wood, my hands are permanently swollen but my body has done its utmost to sort itself out.

So my body isn't perfect. I have more scars than I care to acknowledge. I am over weight, my skin is too fair, my teeth are not white enough, I still wish I had curly hair but you know what?


I don't care anymore.

I was born into this body, my soul was given this body to love and to cherish and to work with.

I can now see this that my body and my soul are seperate entities but essential for each others survival.

Today I see my body as perfect, kind, wonderful and amazing.

How do you see your body?

Clippers and Claws

Back in January 2009, I was about to start to groom a dog when I discovered the lump in my breast. I carried on with my job as if nothing had happened but I must admit it was a dreadful time.

Once I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks later, I had to make the heart breaking decision to close my business. I physically would not be able to work after surgery and chemotherapy and certainly could not risk the chance of infection.

The side effects of treatments and then a second breast cancer has left me with chronic back and joint pain for which I have to take pain killers. Funnily enough though, running is one thing which actually helps my pain.

I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to work again as a dog groomer and my heart was heavy. I felt completely robbed and even more so when I discovered a groomers had started up in my village.

After a lot of thought and consideration I have decided to relaunch my business again, except that this time I will be offering a mix of mobile dog grooming, on site dog grooming, dog walking and pet care to include small animals and horses.

My pain is under control as long as I manage it properly and take my medications regularly so I am hoping I can do this.

I was honoured to have been asked to organise and judge the dog show at the annual St Peters School fete which took place today. It was such fun and I got a real buzz out of talking "shop" with fellow dog owners.

I have already had quite a bit of interest shown in my company Clippers and Claws and I am hoping that within this year I will have a workshop and I can get my business going well again.

Its been scarey and I am still scared about getting back into grooming after such a long time. Although the truth is I have always groomed throughout - my dogs and those of my friends. Plus its something I love doing with all of my heart.

For a while after my cancer treatment finished I have been acting like a victim.... Well enough is enough because I am not a victim, cancer has not taken anything from me in fact it has given me so much more..... more strength and determination not to mention the wonderful friends I have met along the way.

So there you are.... Clippers and Claws is back!

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

Good Things are All Around Us

So..... following on from yesterdays post which really was a "re" starting point for me let me tell you about the positives of live with / after cancer...

What the experience teaches you is what exactly IS important in life. Why rush around and get stressed when you can get to your destination calmly and happily for a fraction longer.

It teaches you to appreciate the little things in life.... the beautiful butterfly which visited your garden today, the joyful greeting off your horse, the unconditional love from your dog, the sound of the wind in the trees, the sun on your bare skin.... the list is endless.

Life isn't easy for anybody no matter how smooth their journey through it may seem.

Everyone has their own cross to bear, some crosses are light and others are heavy, it doesn't matter really - its THEIR cross and THEIR life.

Certainly I do appreciate things on a deeper level these days. I like nothing better than to stop my racing mind and concentrate on the here and now. I challenge you to do this.... stop what you are doing... take a deep breath and as you exhale concentrate on the breath and how you feel, dismiss any other thoughts and listen to whats happening in this particular moment. I know that when I do this, the colours seem more vibrant and I feel more alive.

I take things at a slower pace these days too and although I do get angry and frustrated I have learnt my limits and how to cope.

I am kinder to myself.

Are you kind to yourself?
Do you put unnecessary pressures on yourself?
Do you expect too much of yourself?

Well DONT!!!

You as a human being are unique and amazing. 

Do you know what happened to my body when it detected a cancer mass forming? My body sent out a substance and calcified the cancer lump. In doing so, it encrusted the mass in a shell which stopped it from spreading. I swear to this day that given its size and grade my body actually saved me. How amazing is that!!!

So today, all I ask of you is to;

1. Be kind to yourself

and

2. Try every day for a moment to actually LIVE in the moment

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

Flippin Cancer

I was diagnosed in 2009 with a nasty breast cancer. Having said that, ALL cancers are flippin' nasty aren't they!!

2012 I had a second breast cancer, other side this time!

I don't carry the breast cancer gene, I don't tick any of the boxes for being at risk of the disease, I suppose I was just a bit unlucky.

Anyway.... blah blah blah I had lots of treatment, surgeries, chemo, herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone treatment.

I was on tamoxifen at first but because another hormone sensitive cancer grew in spite of this they changed my hormone treatment to;

* having my ovaries shut down with monthly injections (for 5 years)
* letrozol

Well..... the thought of having abdominal injections every month for years didn't really appeal to me PLUS the fact that the injections put me into a chemically induced menopause so in 5 years would I come off the injections then go through a natural menopause???? The thought of going through all that twice really filled me with dread so I PUSHED (and I had to push hard) to have an elected Oophorectomy - the best thing I ever did!! Keyhole surgery - recovery time was quicker than my breast ops and the discomfort was minimal.

The letrozol made every bone in my body hurt so I was changed to Arimadex. Although that it is better than the letrozol it still makes me tired, my brain fuzzy and my bones hurt.

On Thursday I am waiting to see my GP to go through some statistics so that I can decide whether or not I continue with the drugs.

My gut feeling is that I have had my ovaries removed which produced 80% of my oestrogen and with me losing weight and toning up my body I will naturally produce less.

I have been on cancer treatment for almost 5 years now, I have lost so much during that time and the side effects have been so hard to live with that I honestly can't face further treatment for another 4 years.

I am extremely lucky to live in Wales, UK so I have the NHS and the North Wales Health Trust has provided me with the best care I could ever have wished for. They are thorough beyond belief and leave no stone unturned.

I honestly want to get on with my life.

Back in 2009 I had to shut down my successful Dog Grooming Business "Clippers and Claws". Living with the side effects I have been unable to restart it and now another groomer has opened in our village. I am angry, I feel cheated and frustrated. If it hadn't been for flippin cancer I would have a salon right now and a successful one too.

So I have to put my frustration to one side and stay focused on the fact that;

1. I am alive
2. I can still groom dogs only not as many at the moment
3. I am taking very positive steps to cure my back pain

I am at a Cross Road in my Life

Cancer has changed me, not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well.

In my life I have done many things. I started out as an office junior on a young workers scheme and worked my way up to become a buyer managing a small department. I continued my career instigating and co-ordinating cost reduction projects. It was a rewarding but it meant long hours, travel and stress.

When trying for a family was proving difficult I decided to take a huge gamble and I gave up my job with its nice pay and bonuses and started to work for a company in my village. 50% pay cut BUT it meant I actually got a lunch break and the hours were 9-5!!!!! Less stress and bingo.... Joe came into being.

When Harry was born my pay wouldn't cover child care costs so I gave up my job with saddness because I had changed the role from a secretarial position to an admin post and I really enjoyed it very much.

I am not a stay at home mum so despite the fact that I had huge problems with my boys for my own sanity I started to do Avon.

Avon gave me so much confidence and I realised that I could do anything I set my mind too so when Pickles my miniature schnauzer came into my life I enrolled on a course and became a dog groomer.

My business was beyond successful and was built on reputation and word of mouth so when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 it was a shock to have to give up my business.

Cancer took over my life for the 2 years of treatment. Dealing with the countless hospital visits and the side effects of treatment.

In the 3rd year I suffered from depression because I realised that my life had changed because of cancer. I was unable to physically do the things I used to do.

In the 4th year I had another breast cancer.

So here I am now with my 4 and 1 year clears under my belt and I am starting to get back to work very very slowly because my physical disabilities have curtailed what I am able to do.

Truth is though..... I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I want to work for myself but I dont know what.

Of course, if I had the money there are loads of things I could do, I would have the money to re train but thats not an option for me.

So I feel as though I have come to a cross roads in my life and I am standing here puzzled and confused as to which road I need to travel down.

Celebrate Life

January is always a tense month for me because its the month when I found my first breast cancer lump, the month the docs found the second and when I get all of my tests done and find out if I am clear or not.

Well.............................

This January 2013

I got my 4 and 1 year clear for my cancers!

It was worrying for an hour or so because they had found differences in the mammogram images so I had to have another mammogram and an ultra sound to check their findings.

A huge, massive, amazing sigh of relief when they were reported as normal and I was still in remission!

Another positive which came out of my check up was the fact that my wonderful and amazing surgeon has requested that I could change my hormonal drugs back to tamoxifen.

OK I still had back pain while on tamoxifen BUT I didn't have the small bone pain which is in my ribs, feet, fingers, hands, wrists........

So.............. fingers crossed......................

They sanction the change and I can get on with my life!!!

On this note I just want to say how thankful I am to be living in Great Britain where we are fortunate enough to have the NHS. This means that I get the treatment I need with no questions asked and no worries about medical bills.

*images courtesy of google*

Breast Cancer

Four years ago I found the lump in my right breast, surgery and two years of treatment. Five years taking tamoxifen which made my bones ache like I never knew possible. This prompted CT and MRI scans which showed up a crack in my sacral bone.

A year ago following a routine check a new breast cancer was found in my other breast. "Luckily" for me it wasn't as aggressive and so it was "just" surgery and radiotherapy. 

A change in hormone tablet to letrozole.

Can you believe it? more pain.......... I aged over night by about about 30 years.

October came and more surgery so at least I wouldn't have to endure those abdominal injections on a monthly basis for 5 years.

A new drug - Arimadex

Still in pain.

Pain in all of my small joints such as fingers and toes, chronic back pain, pain in my right hip, right shoulder and the joint of my right foot big toe.

In addition to this my blood pressure is raised and I now have high cholesterol.

I have a strong family trait of heart disease in both sides of my family but these problems could be the result of the hormone tablets I am taking. 

Devil you do - Devil you don't!

So here I am ..... and there it is.......


Live for the moment I say..... live for today. You can't change the past and the future is not yet but now is when is important.

I could be 100% healthy and die randomly like my big brother. Fit.....healthy......young...... killed in a car accident at 25.

All of these things are reminders that you should enjoy what you have got and not worry about what you haven't got.