6 Weeks Post Op following Set Back

6 weeks ago today I had a double mastectomy and reconstruction.

1 week ago today I had one of the implants removed due to a big infection and seroma.

So far, although I didn't plan to be breast less I can quite honestly say that I feel alot more comfortable than I have since I had the initial operation.

This time last week I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, moving was painful and I assumed a hunched posture as normal.

Today I had my check up with the surgeon.

She decided not to remove the stitches, to allow a couple more days for it to heal some more. They are the old fashioned type which are not very pretty but they allow for any fluid to leak out.

There was some fluid under the wound so she asperated that. The fluid didn't look ikky and came away quite freely.

The remaining implant was redressed and she took a swab from one of the scabs which is lifting and explained that I am not out of the woods yet, she is still holding her breath for that side because the infection was so close to this that the implants were touching.

I think its ok at the moment because my first big lumpectomy scar is now less pink and is a bit baggy. Nobody else would notice that fact but I can because its my scar.

I was put on another course of antibiotics.

The infection has left fragile skin which is why there is a hole. It will be 12 months before I can consider reconstruction on this side because the tissue has to repair. At that point they will check on the elasticity of it and decide whether or not to chance another implant OR I have tissue from my stomach used for reconstruction.

At the moment I am concentrating on the fact that I am cancer free and I have reduced my risks - that is the biggest bonus of all.... well that and the fact that I am still alive!

The last 6 weeks have been hell and to be honest with you I am looking forward to returning to normal and if that means that I have to wear a prosthesis for a year then so be it.

Clippers and Claws

Back in January 2009, I was about to start to groom a dog when I discovered the lump in my breast. I carried on with my job as if nothing had happened but I must admit it was a dreadful time.

Once I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks later, I had to make the heart breaking decision to close my business. I physically would not be able to work after surgery and chemotherapy and certainly could not risk the chance of infection.

The side effects of treatments and then a second breast cancer has left me with chronic back and joint pain for which I have to take pain killers. Funnily enough though, running is one thing which actually helps my pain.

I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to work again as a dog groomer and my heart was heavy. I felt completely robbed and even more so when I discovered a groomers had started up in my village.

After a lot of thought and consideration I have decided to relaunch my business again, except that this time I will be offering a mix of mobile dog grooming, on site dog grooming, dog walking and pet care to include small animals and horses.

My pain is under control as long as I manage it properly and take my medications regularly so I am hoping I can do this.

I was honoured to have been asked to organise and judge the dog show at the annual St Peters School fete which took place today. It was such fun and I got a real buzz out of talking "shop" with fellow dog owners.

I have already had quite a bit of interest shown in my company Clippers and Claws and I am hoping that within this year I will have a workshop and I can get my business going well again.

Its been scarey and I am still scared about getting back into grooming after such a long time. Although the truth is I have always groomed throughout - my dogs and those of my friends. Plus its something I love doing with all of my heart.

For a while after my cancer treatment finished I have been acting like a victim.... Well enough is enough because I am not a victim, cancer has not taken anything from me in fact it has given me so much more..... more strength and determination not to mention the wonderful friends I have met along the way.

So there you are.... Clippers and Claws is back!

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

Big Pants

I lasted 2 weeks to the date of my Oophorectomy operation to face up to the fact that with this operation I NEEDED big pants!!!

Yes I purchased a Sainsburys pack of 5 BIG PANTS and I wished I had dont it sooner. Not only does the cotton of the BIG PANTS protect my scars, they are so comfortable.

Oh but don't be misled by my statement there.... I will not be using my BIG PANTS beyond when the scars heal thank you very much because no amount of lace or patterning can make them attractive or me to feel that way when wearing them.

My advice to any lady going in for that sort of operation - invest in a collection of BIG PANTS to see you through your healing process.

A Week Ago

This time last week I was still in the operating theatre having my Ooporectomy. A week has gone by and I don't regret it for a moment. It was the right thing to do and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to with no cancer baggage weighing me down in the form of monthly Zolodex injections.

This picture was taken a couple of days after the surgery. This is the op site on my right side, there is a smaller one on my left and one inside my naval.

The stitches are disolveable so no worries there about having them taken out.

The stitches are starting to break up now and I will be glad when they have gone because the op sites are sore. It's not too bad really its just that I worry about infection.

My lumpectomies and nodal sweep operations were far more painful than this op so I am hoping to be back in some sort of action in a week.

So the future for me is bright! No more Zolodex injections! (note to self: must phone the district nurse to let her know!).

I am looking forward to getting back into work, getting my dog grooming business up and running again.

Oophorectomy

I wanted an Oophorectomy. This is an operation to remove my ovaries.

Having had a second breast cancer the oncologist decided to put me on Zolodex injections for 5 years. This injection stops the ovaries from working and put me into a false menopause.

I tried the 3 monthly injection but being a small person it hurt and I began to get panic attacks. I opted for the monthly injection and the thought of having that every month for the next five years really upset me. I felt as though I was still having cancer treatment which, in effect, I was! I felt as though my life was on hold, yet again and I couldn't move on. Bearing this in mind I pushed for the Oophorectomy.

I must say that the doctors and consultants were very obstructive. They seemed to stress the severity of such surgery, they were quick to point out the pit falls and even on the actual day of my surgery the consultant interrogated me, I felt as though I was on trial!!!!

I think they didn't want to make the decision easy for me because given my age, it is huge thing to decide and its permanent - no going back.

Hey, I have two gorgeous boys and I am the wrong side of 40 to be considering more babies indeed, another pregnancy could trigger off a third cancer and I am not going to risk that for anything.

Another thing I couldn't face the thought of was having the injections for 5 years, being in a menopausal state for 5 years then starting again..... the possibility of another cancer with that start then going through the menopause naturally - far too much for me to deal with given the 2 years of treatment for my first cancer.

I had the procedure on Tuesday 23rd October.

I went into surgery at 11.30 and was coming out of it at about 1pm.

I had a nebulizer before going in for the op because of my asthma and this opened my airways.

Before they put you under they check all of your details and ask you what op you are going in for - I suppose mistakes have been made in the past!

When I was taken to Bonny Ward in Wrexham Hospital I was surprised at the pain level of the op site.

Having had two big operations for breast cancer and been in alot of pain with them, I thought that with this being invasive surgery in my tummy and all the fuss the doctors made that I was going to be in agony. What a pleasant surprise it was to have pain similar to child birth really but not griping and grabbing like contractions. Not anywhere near as painful as the breast surgery.

I am on day 2 post op now and I am feeling fine. The pain is easing and I can move about albeit at a slower pace.

I am resting as much as I can because I am so so tired and am hoping that by the weekend I will be out and about almost as normal.

As for all of the horrible side effects the doctors were telling me about, well..... just the same as being on Zolodex! Bearable, you just have to plan things differently..... Fans, water sprays, layers of clothes etc etc etc

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

When I recover from this surgery I will have my life back, its like a fresh start.

My Life is a Road of Music Part 2

I can mark my life out in music, so many songs for so many reasons so I can only share a few with you.

This song is beautiful but so so sad. It was played at my big brothers funeral in September 1990. He was 25 years old and his car crashed, he died instantly leaving behind a young wife and his one year old daughter. That day he broke many hearts and almost 22 years later he is missed more than anything else in the world.

I remember playing this song over and over and really identifying with it. I was a goth punk at the time and in the 80's goth punk wasn't as fashionable as it was then. For a start we didnt get our clothes and makeup handed to us on a plate in the form of specialist shops. I personally had an idea of how I wanted to look and I had to create that look myself.... this involved dark makeup, lots and lots of hair spray, a basque, black evening gloves and a long pencil skirt sewn up so that I had to walk like Morticia!!! I always remember my mum lecturing me on how I dressed and how negative it was, how it could affect my job etc etc. Ah listen to the lyrics and you will understand.

Wieders Toccatta from Symphony No 5 - ah yes !  A truly beautiful piece of music, I loved it so much because it sounded so fresh, new and rejoiceful. This was the piece of music I chose to walk down the aisle after Jason and I were married. You can imagine my upset and desperate disappointment when it wasnt played because the organist forgot the music!!

I had many hard times growing up which had a huge impact on me, my self confidence etc. but eventually having had cognitive therapy I was able to come to terms with my past and move forward. At this point, this song said it all for me.

I was diagnosed with HER2 Pos, hormone receptive stage 3 breast cancer. I was told that because of my young age they were going to hit me with everything. This involved surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 rounds of radiotherapy and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have small veins so half way through the chemo they started to collapse and become hard so canulating me became a traumatic experience. I remember going to chemo sessions and fear would grip my heart... I would play and sing this song loudly and it gave me the courage to walk into the war and let battle commence.

And finally I come to Love Hope Strength..... Listen to the words and I can identify with them so well... The click click click of the killing machines - the IV drips you get hooked up to.............

I cry when I listen to this song because I have faced cancer twice and I have kicked its sorry arse with the help of music and friends.

Life Just Went By Without Me Knowing

I know its a strange title!

However its true and at the moment I am coming to terms with what's happened and how I feel about it all.

16th January 2009 my life stopped.

I found a lump in my breast and after that its been years of surgery, chemo, radio, herceptin, CT scans, Isotope Scans, MRI Scans, hormone treatment............ aarrgghh

I think I kind of became a human robot, going through the motions and living each day as best I could. That day my life as I knew it abruptly changed forever.

I could have dealt with that had I not had young children but now in 2012 having had a second cancer, I feel as though my eyes have opened and my 7 and 10 year olds are now 11 and 13.

Harry left primary school last week.

I had a whole range of emotions but mostly I found myself grieving for the years I had lost through cancer. The fact that I was too ill to carry on the fight for my sons education, the parties and activities I missed, the school yard even.

So much has happened in that school, so many hardships and disappointments but so many good times and such joy.

I may have lost those years but I have gained the rest. Had I not found that lump, had I delayed getting it checked out, I may not be here now typing this. This is what I focus on.

I still can't wear my wedding, engagement or eternity rings but I don't mind because I am wearing my Nain's wedding ring and that makes the adjustment easier. It will only be for a few more years until my hormone treatment is over anyway.

My hair is long now not like this, this seems like a life time ago when Chemo stole it. It has come back thicker, shinier and its growing really well - I want to grow it to my waist so that I can have 7 inches taken off and donate it to a child cancer charity who specialise in making wigs for those kids.

I am still smiling because despite the bad side of cancer there are so many good things that have come from it. Its an experience, a life changing one. It not only changes your body forever but it changes your mind set.

I feel as though I have been at sea..... ship wrecked...... struggling to stay afloat, going under but being pulled back up gasping for air. At one point I almost reached shore only to be swept back out again but eventually I made it. I got to shore and at the moment I am lieing at the waters edge, catching my breath ready to walk into the sun and discover what beauty lies beyond the dangerous sea which held me for so long.

Radiotherapy Burn Baby Burn!

Its been a few weeks since I finished radiotherapy but here you can see how it is still affecting my skin. I still have burns which have sores and it fluctuates between itching and being sore. The only thing I can do is carry on with not using any perfumed products and applying E45 cream regularly.

Radiotherapy keeps working in your body for years and even 5 years after your treatment changes can happen. These changes include discolouration of the skin which I will definately have in the area you see here as I have the other side. It can also cause changes in the shape and texture and obviously pain.

Pain is something I am used to in those areas now because of the scarred tissue and nerve damage as well as that caused by rads.

Radiotherapy also kills the hair follicles which I am not too bothered about because I don't have to tend to the old pits as much as I used to have too. Chemo seems to have changed that aspect for the best too.

Nordic Walking and Breast Cancer

I loved running, it gave me something to aim for something to achieve.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 Breast Cancer in 2009 I was ready to run my first 10K race but with surgery and 12 doses of chemo, I was unable to realise my ambition.

The bruising caused by the biopsy and then the operation which although was a lumpectomy given the size of the lump and breast reconstruction using tissue from my other size left me not only with painful surgery scars but trauma on both breasts. This meant that moving was painful for many weeks.

After my first lot of chemo I felt OK so I gave a short run a go..... I was laid up in bed for days afterwards.

The build up of chemo then made me feel worse and worse each time.

The long and short of it was that after cancer treatment I was the unfittest I have ever been in my entire life.

I wasn't going to let cancer beat me though and I focused on getting my first 10K under my belt which I did at the end of 2010 and raised nearly £800 for a cancer charity Love Hope Strength Foundation.

At that point in my life I had received radiotherapy to my breast, I had received 18 lots of herceptin and had been on tamoxifen for a year. This is when everything went to pieces. My back became incredibly painful and by the end of 2011 I was unable to run - even walking was a problem.

At the start of 2012 I was diagnosed with a new breast cancer in my other side. Surgery, radiotherapy and a change in my hormonal treatment.

Through trial and error with pain relief I eventually found a solution which was workable and last month I began a course of physiotherapy working on strengthening my core.

I realised that running wasn't an option for me at this particular time in my life, I needed to get my core strong first. Also, my CT and MRI scans revealed a crack in my back which although an old injury with the drugs I am taking now - Zolodex to put me into a false menopause and Letrozil to suppress oestrogen give me the risk of osteoporosis.

I became very down, depressed and frustrated. I really really did need to run, I needed something to aim for.

This is when I discovered Nordic walking.

I contacted Nordic Walking UK and found myself a lovely instructor and went on a taster session.

Its amazing!

It makes you walk correctly so it promotes good posture and it really does work your core muscles.

It uses more muscles than running does and can induce the runners high that I so miss.

I feel invigorated and hopeful for a new and fitter future.

I have purchased a "cheap" set of Nordic poles and once the children are back at school I am looking forward to putting a training plan in place.

To Every Problem there is a Solution

Since I started radiotherapy, I have been suffering BO (Body Odour) but only to the side which has been receiving treatment.

I am fastidious when it comes to personal hygiene so it has been distressing for me to say the least, especially when required to put said arm up into arm stirrups and the smell permeates the air.

Apologies, apologies to the radiographers and mortification for myself!!!


Until I discovered the baby above!!!

I was told by the radiographers to avoid deodorants containing metals or magnesium. You would be amazed because even the brands you would think to be natural and kind contain such nasties. The reason for this by the way is because these metals react to the radium.

So this natural product works by attacking the bacteria on your skin thus stopping the pong! It is natural, unscented and doesn't clog pores and best of all ................ it works!

Thumbs up for Salt of the Earth!

They also produce a body spray which I keep in my handbag for discreet applications.

So you see..... there is a solution to every problem you just have to look for it!

Bad Luck

I thought 2011 was a bad year for me with the sudden death of my much loved Aunty Heather, the tragic death of my best friend Poppy (dog), a so called friend turning out to be nothing of the sort and some online bullying and my fight with depression.

2012 has proved to be a right shiner so far and we are only five months in.......

I found out that I had a second breast cancer, my back has been killing me, my dog was seriously ill, the insurance company is turning down my claim for him, Cola hurt his back and Jason has dislocated his shoulder. I don't think I can take any more!

Having said that alot of good things have happened too so I  can't be all gloom and doom!

The first and best was the arrival of Snowy, our white miniature schnauzer and little monkey!!

The Gathering in Pontins was completely awesome and we met some fabulous friends.

....and I have some fab plans for the rest of the year!

I am off to a friends wedding next week and that will mean my meeting up with some superb people. I have gigs booked and am going with an excellant friend "Black Stone Cherry" and "Tyketto", quite possibly "Killing for Company" and I am walking up Snowdon to raise money for the Love Hope Strength Foundation.

Snowdon is one of my most favourite places in the world so I am looking forward to that very much.

Although bad has happened to me this year, good has come from it in a funny kind of way.

Hormones

I read a blog this morning via Twitter all about how this person's body couldn't handle hormonal changes. She wrote openly about how it affected her personality and her life and at last, I felt as though I wasn't alone in my plight with hormones.

It all began when I was in my early 20's. I was a size 6/8 and tiny..... things weren't going to well in my life. My parents had been going through a very nasty divorce during which time I was emotionally attacked by my dad, then my heroe, my big brother was killed in a car accident. All of this resulted in me going through a breakdown which led to the breakup with my long standing love, my fiance which was particularly nasty.

Looking back, I don't blame my dad or my ex.... I was a nightmare at that time in my life. Low self esteem, no confidence and I hated myself. They were having their own personal issues which changed them too. Its all water under the bridge now.

As part of my breakdown I started with an eating disorder. My weight plumeted to 6 stone and I was nothing but ribs and bones. The scarey thing for me looking back is that I distinctly remember thinking I was fat at the time.

The eating disorder never went away, it stayed with me until I had therapy at the age of 42 but it affected me in different ways.

The thing I am leading up to is.... when I did start eating properly again suddenly my periods stopped and my weight went up and up and up totally out of control until I hit 10stone and developed boobs!

The doctors didnt want to know until I met my husband and found that I couldnt conceive. During this time I was trying to lose weight unsuccessfully. Only after tests I found out that I had a hormonal disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which meant that my eggs developed normally but when they were released they stuck to my ovaries.

I read up about the condition and followed advice taking vitamins and supplements which helped and suddenly I found that I was losing weight and my symptoms subsided.

With fertility drugs I was able to have my two sons which is a blessing.

The hormonal changes which happened during each pregnancy made my weight go up and out of control but following my supplement and diet regime I lost the weight over time and felt great again.

I stayed a petite size 8 weighing in at 8 stone for years then I heard of this contraceptive contraption which all of my friends were raving about, the merina coil. This coil has a small amount of hormone in it and from the minute I had it fitted to the time I had it taken out my weight spiraled out of control again until I reached a size 12/14 and 10st 11lbs.......

As soon as the coil was removed and I started taking the pill again my hormones started to settle again and my weight began to fall off..............

That was when I found out that I had stage 3 HER2 pos breast cancer! The cancer was hormone sensitive so after surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin I was put on a hormonal treatment, a pill called Tamoxifen (thats another story).

Since being on Tamoxifen I have been struggling with my weight but that was the last of my problems because three years to the day of finding my first cancer, I was told that I had another cancer in my other breast.

This cancer wasn't as aggressive as the first and wasn't HER2 pos BUT it was hormone sensitive. This means that both of my cancers have been fed by my hormones.

Now I have had to have my ovaries shut down artificially to reduce the amount of oestrogen in my body and I also take a drug to stop my body producing any. Result..... I get days when I want to scream for no reason, other days I have no energy and then I have days when my bones hurt so much I can barely walk.

Hormones have been the bane of my life.

Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........