Cooking and Weight Loss

I am on the Weight Watchers diet its the only one which works for me because when I am on it, I eat allot of food but its healthy stuff, I educate myself about portion control and I tend to try new things.

I have lost weight with them before and I kept it off for years, it was only after my health blip I piled on the weight but now I am well on the road to recovery I want to get back to being the old me.

OK.... I know, I know......

I can never go back to being the "old me" but I can re-create myself and be the person I like and feel comfortable with.

I am a far cry from the 8 stone I used to be I can tell you!

I have been going to group for about 6 weeks now and so far I have lost half a stone. 

The weight isn't falling off, its dripping off very slowly but hey? I am in no race I can take as long as I like to get where I want to be.

Ah those were the years when it was all about the lycra and aerobics!

So today I am taking the opportunity to do some cooking.

I am trying a few vegetarian dishes and am using Quorn in one just to see what its like.

I like vegetarian dishes as long as they are tasty with lots of spice and I don't really miss the meat at all. So the dishes I am making will be for me because the kids don't like anything with "bits" in and my husband does like his meat.

I wonder what it will taste like!

Hormones

I read a blog this morning via Twitter all about how this person's body couldn't handle hormonal changes. She wrote openly about how it affected her personality and her life and at last, I felt as though I wasn't alone in my plight with hormones.

It all began when I was in my early 20's. I was a size 6/8 and tiny..... things weren't going to well in my life. My parents had been going through a very nasty divorce during which time I was emotionally attacked by my dad, then my heroe, my big brother was killed in a car accident. All of this resulted in me going through a breakdown which led to the breakup with my long standing love, my fiance which was particularly nasty.

Looking back, I don't blame my dad or my ex.... I was a nightmare at that time in my life. Low self esteem, no confidence and I hated myself. They were having their own personal issues which changed them too. Its all water under the bridge now.

As part of my breakdown I started with an eating disorder. My weight plumeted to 6 stone and I was nothing but ribs and bones. The scarey thing for me looking back is that I distinctly remember thinking I was fat at the time.

The eating disorder never went away, it stayed with me until I had therapy at the age of 42 but it affected me in different ways.

The thing I am leading up to is.... when I did start eating properly again suddenly my periods stopped and my weight went up and up and up totally out of control until I hit 10stone and developed boobs!

The doctors didnt want to know until I met my husband and found that I couldnt conceive. During this time I was trying to lose weight unsuccessfully. Only after tests I found out that I had a hormonal disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which meant that my eggs developed normally but when they were released they stuck to my ovaries.

I read up about the condition and followed advice taking vitamins and supplements which helped and suddenly I found that I was losing weight and my symptoms subsided.

With fertility drugs I was able to have my two sons which is a blessing.

The hormonal changes which happened during each pregnancy made my weight go up and out of control but following my supplement and diet regime I lost the weight over time and felt great again.

I stayed a petite size 8 weighing in at 8 stone for years then I heard of this contraceptive contraption which all of my friends were raving about, the merina coil. This coil has a small amount of hormone in it and from the minute I had it fitted to the time I had it taken out my weight spiraled out of control again until I reached a size 12/14 and 10st 11lbs.......

As soon as the coil was removed and I started taking the pill again my hormones started to settle again and my weight began to fall off..............

That was when I found out that I had stage 3 HER2 pos breast cancer! The cancer was hormone sensitive so after surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin I was put on a hormonal treatment, a pill called Tamoxifen (thats another story).

Since being on Tamoxifen I have been struggling with my weight but that was the last of my problems because three years to the day of finding my first cancer, I was told that I had another cancer in my other breast.

This cancer wasn't as aggressive as the first and wasn't HER2 pos BUT it was hormone sensitive. This means that both of my cancers have been fed by my hormones.

Now I have had to have my ovaries shut down artificially to reduce the amount of oestrogen in my body and I also take a drug to stop my body producing any. Result..... I get days when I want to scream for no reason, other days I have no energy and then I have days when my bones hurt so much I can barely walk.

Hormones have been the bane of my life.

Lifes a Bitch!

 Everyone is entitled to a bad day and my bad day is TODAY!

Everything has got on top of me, mainly the pain in my back which has been caused by tamoxifen and which has become almost unbearable lately.

I think that I was easing my way back into physical activity because of my energy levels which were still in recovery but getting that energy back has made me realise how physically damaged I am at the moment.

I saw the doctor today but he was a waste of time! He is referring me to the orthopedic section but I don't need that, I need to come off tamoxifen.

Why don't they listen to me?

This is MY body and MY life and the way I feel right now I don't want to go on for another 2, 3 or 4 decades feeling this crap.

I told him I am worried about my weight and he discounted that, f***k the fact that I am 2 stone over my usual weight, have diabetes in both sides of the family and am in an increased risk bracket. He waved that off as though it was nothing.

Why don't they listen to me?

I need to be positive, I need to keep fighting but at the moment the wounds of battle are still open and bleeding (metaphorically speaking of course).

I am tired of fighting, I am tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of putting on a front!

"Don't you look well" people say

"You look amazing!"

I smile politely and agree.........

But do you know what? I am not going to agree anymore because I feel like rubbish and I am sick of fighting pain and feeling ill every flippin day!



I don't feel like laughing or partying anymore, I don't feel as though there is anything left to party for.

Why?

Because I honestly thought that once I went through surgery, chemo, radio and herceptin, I would come out of the other side and resume service as normal!

Will service ever be resumed as normal? I very much doubt it where I am sitting right now.

Yeah! I pop the lanzoprazol to keep my chemo damaged digestion at bay, I pop the happy pills to get me through the day, I pop the tamoxifen because apparently although it makes me feel like crap its keeping the cancer from coming back, I pop the loratadine to stop my allergies, take my seretide and ventolin so that I can breathe without feeling someone is sitting on my chest and now I am popping painkillers just so that I can function normally.

 Angry????

Too right I am angry!!

I am bouncing!!

I am seething!!

Cancer pfftttttt

I really thought that 3 years on I would be me again. I have got hair now, still can't lose the weight and feel like crap but I look ok and yes the hair is there.

Bloody hell what a year!

What pain and loss I have had this year, physically and mentally.

Right now I want to find myself a cave and go into hybernation. Would anybody miss me if I did that?

I just want my life to get back to normal. I want my body back. I want to feel like ME again.

I didn't bargain for this, I didn't expect all of this, it wasn't part of the deal when they were selling me the treatment.

Same old, same old....

I am back to Weight Watchers but am doing it online. I have taken advantage of an offer they had and signed up for 3 months. I have 22lbs to lose to get back to being comfortable and happy in myself. I am not sure if I am going to be able to achieve my goal because of the tamoxifen but I am going to really try.

Slimming World was great but it just didn't work for me. Weight Watchers is a plan that has always worked for me and I like the freedom you have with it.

I discussed my weight issue with the doctor the other day and she is happy that it is the tamoxifen causing the weight issue and because I am active and fit she doesn't see it as a problem. As she said, if I didnt follow a healthy eating plan and wasnt as active as I am the situation would be much worse.

So I wonder how I will do this first week back on the plan? Lets see what Tuesday brings hey.

Why oh Why?? Diets

While the children were on their half term break I couldn't be as active as usual, plus I fell off the diet wagon with a resounding bump.

Having been back on track since Thursday, eating lots but eating healthy stuff so no pastries, cakes, biscuits and the like I am feeling so much better. My tummy is not bloated anymore, I am feeling more energetic. So this raises the question....... why, oh why do I fall off the wagon so easily when I know I am going to be suffering. Crazy!

Not a Good Run

I was all prepared for my run today. Made sure I had drunk plenty of fluids the day before (no not alcoholic) and got my kit ready for me to step right into.

With all best laid plans, all didn't go too well. I got up later than planned with a slight headache, I had arranged to collect my childrens friends for a play date at a certain time (I don't run well when under timetable pressure) and I made the error of caving into my darling dogs Wilburs plees to come with me......

Started off badly with Wilbur yapping so loudly with excitement (he really has an annoying high pitched bark for a male dog) then we seemed to bump into everyone out taking their dogs for a morning walk followed by Jo riding her horse Sunny from our yard, oh, plus a few sleeping cows in the hedgerow.

Half way into the run I decided to cut my losses and cut it short so instead of the planned 2 mile run I did 1 1/2.

Mind you.... I am not going to beat myself up about it, I will learn from my mistakes for the next time. At least I did it, I made the first step and got out there.

I have decided to do exactly the same run again tomorrow (minus Wilbur) and crank myself up slowly over the next few weeks.

I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Thursday so I am hoping he will help me lose my weight and improve my running performance.

Ooh I de-frosted some Celeriac and Apple Soup today which I made before Christmas. Delicious is not the word, a weight watchers recipe and definately worth a try.

Training

My training for the Tatton Yule Yomp is going well. I am up to 2 1/2 miles in a single run and hoping to increase it little by little each week. I am using my bike to warm up and check out the route and distance for the run then using it for a gentle cool down. All in all I am getting a pretty good work out.

My running time isn't good at all, I am currently running a 13 minute mile but at the end of the day, for me, the race isn't about getting a personal best or by crossing the finish line first. Its about getting back to where I started from before cancer, getting fit and raising a lot of money for the Love Hope Strength Cancer Foundation.

At the moment, the total raised online and offline stands at approximately £260. If you are reading this and would like to support me you can do so by visiting my Just Giving page. I have had some little business cards made with my details on so over the next few weeks I am hoping to distribute them and put a splurge in our village magazine, possibly even in the newspaper - we shall see!

My weight is peeling off me at a painfully slow rate but I am not a quitter, once I have set myself a challenge I will get there! I have at least 14lbs to lose but 20 would take me back to my old weight.

I am enjoying being active again, its something you take for granted when you are fit and well but when illness strikes it knocks your body for six. I have always lived my life at 100mph but now I dont want to lose a second because it is so precious to me.

I am a bit fed up with schools and paediatricians at the moment!

Some incidents in my sons mainstream school have left me frustrated. Not being a person to let any injustice be done, I have expidited the matter and can let you know that I will become public enemy number 1. I am fed up with having to wait around for assessments and tests, it seems to take forever. At the end of the day my son is in year 5 and has the level of a reception/year 1 pupil when it comes to reading and writing, it is such a worry.

My older son is plagued with allergies. Last week he had a serious allergic reaction to something which left him covered in a painful and itchy rash. This spread to his face and airways so we spent a few hours in A&E making sure he was safe. I have had two appointments now with the paediatric team and I feel as though they are putting me on some sort of "holding" process. I need to know what my son is allergic to so that I can make his life more comfortable but they are not willing to do the tests.

Sorry about all of the moaning when my blog started off so positively!

At Least a Stone to Lose

This picture was taken of me about 15 years ago and that is the size I want to be again. To be that size I will have to lose a stone in weight.

I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which was diagnosed when I was trying to start a family but couldn't. I knew something was wrong anyway because I went from a tiny, slender girl to a plump one with boobs literally overnight... well... in a space ofn 3 months. I might add that this was after I had suffered a breakdown following the death of my brother and I had an eating dishorder. Once I started to eat again thats when things went wrong.

I have battled with my weight since that time but I got to goal after I had Harry and remained there until I decided to have the meriner coil fitted which has hormones in it. From the time it was fitted to the time I had it removed I piled on 2 and a half stone in weight. I was just starting to get rid of it when I had my cancer diagnosis.

I have now lost all the cancer weight but now I am in that position where I need to get rid of the hormone weight.

Its so hard especially when you hit a plateau like I have.

When the children return to school in September I can get my old routines back in place... dog walking, running and riding then hopefully, by Christmas I will have reached my goal.

Summer Ramblings

Life is good!


I hate the way I look at the moment... my body is not mine and my hair is not mine....


However, I am getting back into shape slowly. My energy levels are much higher than they were so that I can push myself through the pain of back ache and do all of the things I enjoy. My running is going really well as is my swimming and aqua jogging. I love riding Cola but the only down side about that is my back hurts so much when I ride.


My hair is growing slowly too. I am striving for a short, chin length bob then after that, maybe a bit longer. It will be nice to feel feminine again.


The weight is coming off slowly but I am determined to get there. I am within a healthy BMI range now which takes the pressure off me a little. My fingers and toes are still swollen and sadly, I still can't wear my wedding, engagement or eternity rings.


I am enjoying life with a passion now. I have been given a second chance and I recognise that.


Summer is coming and with that brings all sorts of changes in the lives of my sons. Joe will be finishing at primary school and moving on to High School, we are attending his last ever primary school sports day tomorrow....


Harry will be moving up to year 5.... I am wondering how he will cope with the change and the fact that Joe won't be there.... I know he is worried because he keeps asking me questions about it, seeking confirmation.


I wish Harry could remain with his existing class teacher because she has worked wonders with him this year. His self esteem has gone up and with that so to has his reading and writing. He still has a long way to go but he is coping much better with life these days.

Happy Days

Well, I have lost another 1 and a half pounds at Weight Watchers this week and achieved two goals..... 10% loss and a stone. Dawn (my leader) picked a really pretty stone for me and I am going to keep it in my car to remind me of my achievement. I did quite fancy getting a silver ring for my little finger as a token reminder but I couldnt find anything that was quite right. I don't think I will ever find anything as nice as the wooden ring my son Joe gave me with a painted flower. Sadly that ring broke but it is forever engraved in my memory.

My husband and I spent a lovely afternoon in Chester www.visitchester.com . We went to Picollinos www.picillinoresteraunts.co.uk/chster.html for lunch, a swanky Italian resteraunt. The atmosphere was comfortable, the service was second to none and the food was very good. I resisted the temptation to eat my way through a whole load of cheese and pasta and chose the chicken caesar salad instead. The waiter raised his eyebrows when I asked him to hold on the dressing!!

My son Joe did really well at swimming club this week. It was badge night and he got his 2000 metre certificate and badge, the first ever in the 26 year history of the club. Joe is only a little fella and I am amazed at how well he performed. So many parents have made a point of coming up to me and singing his praises, I am so proud of him.

Our family was selected to take part in a health survey and the lady conducting it commented on how she loved visiting my house because of my beautiful painted stones. My stones are a reminder to everyone to keep smiling, be happy and positive and of course, my special stone garden lists the names of those who I pray for every day. You know who you are!

Chester is such a beautiful city with an amazing array of resteraunts, shops and street artists. Today, the sun was out and it was so relaxing being able to walk around, watch tourists, locals etc. I bought myself some Bobby Brown mascara from debenhams http://www.debenhams.com/ so hopefully it will be smudgeproof. At £17.50 I jolly well hope it is! I also bought myself some crystals, some for healing and some for re-aligning my chakras and a rose quartz dowsing crystal. Luckily there is a full moon tonight so I will cleanse my crystals and energise them in the light of the full moon.