Time is all we have

 Looking at my blog I can see that I haven't been so good at posting! Life is so busy and the days turn into months and then years and before you know where you are a whole decade has passed.

2020 hasn't been a great year for anyone in the world, its been horrendous with Covid19 and trying to find a new normal.

Its been a nightmare for me on a personal level. Dealing with working at home, colleagues being furloughed has messed with my head. Add to that the sudden death of my beloved dog Wilbur after a short illness then six weeks later my darling Pickles and you won't be surprised that I have hit the booze more than I would like to admit.

There! I said it! I have confessed and how good does that feel.

So today I woke with another horrible hang over, I looked back at my weekend and realised that wine had stolen it from me.

No more.

Today is a fresh start towards a healthier me.

Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

2015 in Review

Where do I start?

Seriously....... Where .... Do ..... I ..... Start???????

What a year! 

Dreadful.

Heartbreaking.

Glad to see the back of it!!

The year started with a bad feeling I had in my gut. I went for my routine scans on New Years Eve then on New Years Day I found out that the little angel, the dog with whom I found my first cancer lump had died following a sudden illness.

Next.... I received a letter from the council accusing me of running a business from my house without planning permission.... er.... hello?? business? er.... 1 dog a week belonging to a friend if I am lucky!! I have a good idea who did it and I don't hold a grudge because I know that karma has a way of coming back three fold. 

During this upset I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer. I was advised to go for a double mastectomy and reconstruction at the same time. I followed all of the advice I was given but forgive the pun.... it all went a bit "tits up". 

I developed an infection which spread and had to have two emergency operations. Following the final operation, the stitches became embedded and trapped a nerve. Agony doesn't come near to it.

Just as things are starting to work their way out I start having anxiety and panic attacks along with black feelings.

I can confess on here that I did consider taking my life.

I had started to plan care for my animals and it was only a chance meeting with a 90 year old stranger which pulled me out of this storm and I managed to crawl out.

November comes and a pain in my mums shoulder which we thought was a strain led to her being put on tramadol and cocodemol by her GP, this led to a fall and a bad reaction to the drugs. She was treated for an overdose such was the reaction to the painkillers she had been given. Her liver and kidneys had been affected. The antidote to the tramadol brought on a heart attack and then she developed sepsis.

After a week of fighting and boy she did fight! She really didnt want to leave us! She passed.

So forgive me for not being ready for Christmas.

Its been the shittest year of my life. (With some good bits too!)

PS: I was later told by a plastic surgeon that radiotherapy damaged tissue has a high failure rate with implants. So why was I advised to go down this route given that I have received high doses of radon to both breasts????

The Day My World Changed

Early morning, muster call
Feet pit patting along the hall.
Lieing in bed with tubes around
Silently sleeping
Not the slightest of sound.
I wipe away a tear
You didn't want to leave
You knew how desperately hard
We would grieve.
For how can the world
Continue to move
When we have lost our love.
She was all a mother should be
And more and more
Our hearts are breaking
We are broken to the core.