A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

That Perfect Moment

I wrote a post last night on my phone but for some reason I can't publish it. So I will try to remember what I said.

The experience happened yesterday. After a pretty dark week I was and am still feeling quite fragile.

I was out walking a dog on the lanes I have walked for 20 years. I have picked sloes and blackberries here, ridden my horse, walked my own dogs and run down these lanes. They are beautiful.

Yesterday the dog stopped to eat grass. An unusual occurance because she is quite a hyper 7 month old puppy. Grass is good for dogs but thats another subject.

As she gingerly picked at the grass I became aware of the stillness of the air. The heat of the sun kissed my skin and the quietness enveloped me. I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky and in that moment, with the birds chattering around me I experienced pure peace.

I opened my eyes a moment later and I felt spiritually cleansed.

You know that feeling when you get out of a steaming hot bath and your skin feels clean and warm.... thats exactly how my soul felt.

It struck me that without the darkest of moments these brightest of moments would not hold the significance they do.

I hope you have a perfect moment today too.

Mixed Emotions

I am a week and a half post pain and infection so healing is happening within my body and I am starting to make myself strong again with exercise and clean eating.

My chronic back pain has re-started because I am walking more. I will have to have further visits to my chiropractor but all in good time..... baby steps, baby steps.

I was awake at 5am, unable to sleep so I listened to the Dawn Chorus. 

"Oh there's a dawn chorus breaking out all over the town"......

Oh my, it's the most beautiful music one can ever listen too. 

Sadly, 6 years ago, the chorus was stunning beyond comprehension but alas with the destruction of woodland and the building of houses in Lavister has pushed the birds away and it's no longer as loud or eclectic as it once was. 

However...... I am blessed! I still have my hearing to hear them and I still have breath in my body to be here to experience it. 

The pain in my lower back was gnawing at me, like a persistent ache so I didn't feel like picking up my kindle to read or indeed, getting up to welcome the day. So, as is usual in these sort of circumstances, my mind wandered .....

I don't want pity.

I don't want sympathy.

I am telling you this in order to cleanse my soul and my mind.

 Writing this blog has always been my therapy. Getting my thoughts and experiences "out there". Who knows, my writing MAY help somebody else ... I hope so.

I managed to categorise how I feel post mastectomy and failed reconstruction. I don't feel ugly, I don't feel sad or unlucky or angry........

I feel different from everyone else.

I feel like a reject.

I feel as though I am no longer attractive or desirable.

Yes, yes I know! I know!

Goodness, I am no longer a young girl. My body has given me two beautiful sons and battled cancer three times - I have lost the bloom of youth but at least with my breasts I felt pretty and now I don't.

I am crying while writing this..... See!! I told you it was cleansing to write and get my thoughts out there. Tears are the bodies way of washing away the dirt and healing the soul.

This will pass.

Life is good! I am alive and I am surrounded by good friends who have supported me and given me the strength to continue my fight.

Every time I stumble, a friend holds out a hand and helps me up.

At the moment, I am holding my friends hands in my mind. My friends don't realise this but their thoughts, gestures and messages are the hands which support my own.

Life is good.

Eco Camping in Boncath!

I really didn't want to go on holiday... the thought filled me with dread. The fact that I would have to leave my beloved animals AND go camping with two autistic teenagers made it an abhorrent thought.

I managed to sort out animal care for a few days and him indoors selected some camp sites in South Wales. The booking was left until last minute and as there was no reply from the two selected so HI decided to do an online booking with a camp site called "Top of the Woods Eco"..... What was I letting myself in for?

Eco camping.... this was a novel idea but sounded just right for us.

Arrived on Sunday evening with another two parties just setting up as well. The field was really a meadow and was HUGE, surrounded by woodland and trees (my favourite things) and a natural haven for wildlife large or small.

I was intrigued by the idea of solar showers but it soon became evident that they were bags of water which were left to heat by the sun.....

The Shower Tents

The Solar Showers heating in the sun. Behind you can see our tent and the owners tent which is available to hire

Catching rainwater!

The owners had very kindly put 4 solar shower bags out to heat up in the sun for us ready for our arrival which I thought was incredibly thoughtful.

The tent didn't take too long to set up, it was a first time for this one because it was purchased last winter in a sale. I am so glad I bought it, an Outwell Nevada M - lots of space, cosy and really easy to assemble.

Our luxury bedrooms!

HI decided to ditch the blow up camp beds and opted for rigid beds which proved to be much better in my opinion. The only downer for me was that having asked HI to purchase a new sleeping bag for me, he did so, getting my a very pretty pink one which was "short"..... hmmmm short....... short for a kid maybe?????????

No1 son weighed up the problem in hand and suggested that I placed the top on the bottom and have the bottom on the top so that at least the head rest part would cover a bit of my body. Good plan but not good enough - thank goodness HI had packed a woollen blanket!

HI - Him Indoors

One of our Oil Lamps with improvised holder

The Meadow Land

It was quite late by the time everything was sorted and we hadn't brought food with us so we went in search of sustenance. The local pub didn't serve food on a Sunday which I thought was a bit odd so we followed directions into Cardigan and had a take out meal of kebab and pizzas for the boys.

Bed at last but peace was slow to come. 

Tired and restless with pent up energy after a long car journey and search for food, the boys had a little tussle and bicker before going to sleep and giving us some well deserved peace.

I was flippin frozen that night I can tell you but I survived! 

The peace and quietness, the relaxed and friendly atmosphere of the camp site more than made up for bickering teens and cold nights in mini sleeping bags.

I will tell you about the rest of our adventures in my next post if you are interested?

A Mole

The other day, as part of my sons birthday treat, we took him and his friend to the Crocky Trail. The sun was shining, it really was a beautiful day!

We stopped off at Salisbury's for a few goodies to eat (we had to keep energy levels up)!

It was so nice at the trail, lots of happy faces, smiles and laughter. It was a complete tonic for me to see Harry animated and happy. I haven't seen him play like that for such a long time, it was definitely worth the admission price to witness this transformation.

I am not really into adventure trails at the moment. I am far too stiff and achy with my ailments so for me, it was a treat just to people watch and enjoy the happy atmosphere.

I happened to walk over to a hedgerow for a nosey and as I did so, I noticed a tall nettle moving in a peculiar way! It was definitely not being blown by the wind. Curious.... I decided to stay and watch, to see if I could make any sense of this peculiarity. After a couple of minutes, I realised that it was a mole, busy digging and eating insects. As he busied himself I actually caught a glimpse of him but then off he went tunnelling away under other nettle bushes.

I have never in my life seen anything like that and I must say I did count it as a blessing, one of those once in a life time moments which I will treasure for the rest of my life.