Fab at Fifty??? I am an Old Crone

Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that I was looking forward to being "Fab at Forty".... I must say that my forties have been completely and utterly horrid. That said, I don't want to hit fifty in December but I its a fact that its going to happen (thank goodness because that means I am still alive) so I might as well do it and be fab!

At this point in my life I feel as though I have got to where I am meant to be. I still don't have all of the answers and I still take each step as it comes but now I can do so with new found confidence and wisdom.

There are three phases to a woman.... The girl or "maiden", the mother and the crone. I have been catapaulted into the crone phase with my cancer treatmens and it sounds horrid doesn't it?

"you crone"

"you old crone"

What do you envisage when you hear or say the word crone?

Is it......

Or.....

Well you are wrong..... A crone is this......

A crone is this......

Life has been a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and even more downs but the ride has made me stronger and wiser.

Hell I am not perfect and I never will be because I am a human being but at least now I can see how wrong I was to compare myself to others, to try to be like other people, to do what other people do, to hide my true self because of fear of rejection.....l

Yeah...... I am a crone. At first the thought scared the hell out of me, now I am happy with it. I am older and wiser but will anyone listen to me.

Ah well, at the end of this year I am going to be flippin fab at 50.... I have said goodbye to cancer and now I am going to get back to where I was before it rudely interrupted.

Angelina Jolie - Ooperectomy

Angelina Jolie - Hollywood Actress, beautiful strong mother of six children carrying the breast cancer gene which claimed the lives of both her mother and grandmother.

She has made the brave decision to have an elected mastectomy and reconstruction and now an Ooperectomy in order to reduce the risk of cancer.

I have had both of those surgeries.

I had to push really hard for my Ooperectomy even though part of my breast cancer treatment was to medically shut down my ovaries for 5 years!

Thats one abdominal injection per month for 5 years!!!

It doesn't make me feel less feminine. 

It hasn't been a chore at all. 

Most of the treatments I have received have given me the symtoms on menopause anyway so having the ovaries removed and being plunged into that part of my destiny was no big deal and the fact that I have reduced the risk of cancer alot is a huge reassurance for me.

Had I not had breast cancer three times ...

Had I been told that I carried the gene.....

I hope that I would have had the strength to do what Angelina Jolie has done.

I hope that her open and honest declaration makes this extremely hard decision doable for other women.

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

Big Pants

I lasted 2 weeks to the date of my Oophorectomy operation to face up to the fact that with this operation I NEEDED big pants!!!

Yes I purchased a Sainsburys pack of 5 BIG PANTS and I wished I had dont it sooner. Not only does the cotton of the BIG PANTS protect my scars, they are so comfortable.

Oh but don't be misled by my statement there.... I will not be using my BIG PANTS beyond when the scars heal thank you very much because no amount of lace or patterning can make them attractive or me to feel that way when wearing them.

My advice to any lady going in for that sort of operation - invest in a collection of BIG PANTS to see you through your healing process.

A Week Ago

This time last week I was still in the operating theatre having my Ooporectomy. A week has gone by and I don't regret it for a moment. It was the right thing to do and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to with no cancer baggage weighing me down in the form of monthly Zolodex injections.

This picture was taken a couple of days after the surgery. This is the op site on my right side, there is a smaller one on my left and one inside my naval.

The stitches are disolveable so no worries there about having them taken out.

The stitches are starting to break up now and I will be glad when they have gone because the op sites are sore. It's not too bad really its just that I worry about infection.

My lumpectomies and nodal sweep operations were far more painful than this op so I am hoping to be back in some sort of action in a week.

So the future for me is bright! No more Zolodex injections! (note to self: must phone the district nurse to let her know!).

I am looking forward to getting back into work, getting my dog grooming business up and running again.

Oophorectomy

I wanted an Oophorectomy. This is an operation to remove my ovaries.

Having had a second breast cancer the oncologist decided to put me on Zolodex injections for 5 years. This injection stops the ovaries from working and put me into a false menopause.

I tried the 3 monthly injection but being a small person it hurt and I began to get panic attacks. I opted for the monthly injection and the thought of having that every month for the next five years really upset me. I felt as though I was still having cancer treatment which, in effect, I was! I felt as though my life was on hold, yet again and I couldn't move on. Bearing this in mind I pushed for the Oophorectomy.

I must say that the doctors and consultants were very obstructive. They seemed to stress the severity of such surgery, they were quick to point out the pit falls and even on the actual day of my surgery the consultant interrogated me, I felt as though I was on trial!!!!

I think they didn't want to make the decision easy for me because given my age, it is huge thing to decide and its permanent - no going back.

Hey, I have two gorgeous boys and I am the wrong side of 40 to be considering more babies indeed, another pregnancy could trigger off a third cancer and I am not going to risk that for anything.

Another thing I couldn't face the thought of was having the injections for 5 years, being in a menopausal state for 5 years then starting again..... the possibility of another cancer with that start then going through the menopause naturally - far too much for me to deal with given the 2 years of treatment for my first cancer.

I had the procedure on Tuesday 23rd October.

I went into surgery at 11.30 and was coming out of it at about 1pm.

I had a nebulizer before going in for the op because of my asthma and this opened my airways.

Before they put you under they check all of your details and ask you what op you are going in for - I suppose mistakes have been made in the past!

When I was taken to Bonny Ward in Wrexham Hospital I was surprised at the pain level of the op site.

Having had two big operations for breast cancer and been in alot of pain with them, I thought that with this being invasive surgery in my tummy and all the fuss the doctors made that I was going to be in agony. What a pleasant surprise it was to have pain similar to child birth really but not griping and grabbing like contractions. Not anywhere near as painful as the breast surgery.

I am on day 2 post op now and I am feeling fine. The pain is easing and I can move about albeit at a slower pace.

I am resting as much as I can because I am so so tired and am hoping that by the weekend I will be out and about almost as normal.

As for all of the horrible side effects the doctors were telling me about, well..... just the same as being on Zolodex! Bearable, you just have to plan things differently..... Fans, water sprays, layers of clothes etc etc etc

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

When I recover from this surgery I will have my life back, its like a fresh start.