Shopping

I feel quite sad and down. Things are changing very quickly with my youngest son growing up and finding his independence.

I have just been shopping for post surgery bras and I can tell you that they are vile. Well actually, no they are not its just the shape of my damaged chest distorts the prosthetics and therefore any bra I wear. Nobody can tell but I can and I feel sad.... I miss my breasts and looking feminine and pretty.

Now that has been said I then feel guilty for moaning about it because there are three women I know who have lost their lives to this disease so how the hell  can I be so bloody vain?

Anyway, here I am in Wrexham town sitting in Starbucks with a very large coffee watching people go about their business and trying to sort my head out.

5 Weeks Post Surgery

I tried to blog about my VAC machine a few days ago but I just couldn't access it. Not sure what the problem was, maybe it was the links I had put on there but I ended up having to delete it which is a shame because I put alot of effort into that particular post.

When it comes to healing post surgery I have discovered that things can change in a day. This time last week I saw my surgeon and things were going really well but by Thursday my left breast had "exploded" - ok, slight over reaction there. It had a build up of seroma which leaked out of a hole in the wound. There was "slough" which is a medical term for dead and dieing skin (gosh on this cancer journey its amazing what you learn).

YUK!!!!

This isn't mine by the way!!

So the surgeon debrided the area and decided to fit a VAC machine to help pump away the seroma. If a seroma is left to accumulate it CAN turn into an abcess which apparently isn't a good thing when you have implants.

I couldn't feel anything apart from pushing etc because the nerves in the breast area are damaged. It still didn't stop me from pulling a few faces just at the thought of what she was doing. Yikes!!

The leaking hole is made slightly larger in order to accommodate the foam and machine which is then pressed firmly down and sealed so that its air tight. The seroma is then drained into the machine which is supposed to increase the healing time.

I certainly hope so because I have had too many set backs.

How do I feel 5 weeks post mastectomy and reconstruction?

I feel itchy, sore, swollen. The pain isn't as bad as it was initially and at least it doesn't keep me awake at night but its not comfortable. The added weight of the VAC machine doesn't help along with its FARTING noise!!

I am totally fed up because I didn't expect to be as I am right now, I thought I would be virtually back to normal but for whatever reason be it the infection, the seroma, whatever its been delayed and I think it will be quite some time before I am pain free.

The other thing which shocked me was the size of the black scab on the breast. The right side is covered by a pad and is healing very nicely but the side with the pump attached is covered by a see through dressing. 

Not mine!!!

The radiotherapy damaged skin has died and left behind the scab but as the surgeon debrided the area she checked and could see that the second layer of skin was healthy and when the scab goes it will leave behind healthy skin.

I missed volunteering on the Love Hope Strength Foundation stand at last weeks Mike Peters gig in Central Station, Wrexham. Gutted to say the least! 

I get so frustrated at missing out on life so much by recovering from surgeries and treatment. Lets hope that this is the end of my tussle with cancer.

I do feel that I have been living my life with a monkey on my back.

Lets hope this monkey is well and truly jogging on.

Steaking!

Hmmmm.... streaking..... for me it conjures up images of people running naked!!!!

But no, its not!

Streaking is about running.

I have been off my running during the summer because I tend to get very hot when I exercise and if I over heat I become very ill. This has become worse ever since my cancer treatments so I really do have to be careful.

There has been a heatwave this year and its rendered me completely useless. I have been unable to run, walk the dogs, ride my horse or literally do anything. 

I was feeling pretty low about my running, especially as I am taking part in Erddigs 5K race in September which I am doing to raise a bit of money for North Clwyd Animal Rescue. Then in Septembers issue of Running for Women there was something in it about streaking. Of course it grabbed my attention for obvious reasons but I am glad I did because it has revolutionised my running!

I have set myself my own personal goal of running every day for a week for one mile each run. I am currently on day 5 and still trying to get my head around the liberating feeling this has given me. I am not running for long enough to over heat, I can run at any time of the day and am not restricted to early morning and its short enough to fit it in at any time.

I am hoping to fulfil my target of a week - 7 days and 7 miles and then perhaps another week.

It has rekindled and revived my love of running and is definitely something I will do during summer months when I can't cope with the heat.


( photo courtesy of google chrome)

Pay, Pension and Strike Action

Born into a socialist family, my dad was passionate about Labour and the working mans rights. No wonder because he and my mam were born during times where there was no National Health Service, no benefits - NOTHING.  If you didn't work you had no money, if you were ill you couldn't afford health care, indeed my mam and her village called upon the services of a "struck off" doctor who was nicknamed Dr Pink because he was "always in the pink!" - its little wonder that czc supported this political party and what it stood for back then.

When I started work I ended up as a senior shop steward and company council rep. This and the fact that I was a woman in the 90's had a detrimental affect on my career but the union was there to support me if I wanted...... I followed these paths because I felt strongly about fair play and treating the work staff well.

Industrial action is a last resort and is something not taken lightly.

I was happy to see John Smith take the lead of the labour party and extremely sad at his premature death. When Tony Blair took over the leadership I had hope for a good future but it was not to be.

Labour died with John Smith as far as I am concerned. He was the last of the true socialists who did what he did because because he believed in it. 

With Tony Blair came "new labour" and that heralded the death of all that I knew and held dear. 

So.... here we are..... 2014 and living during troubled times where some people get benefits while others can't,the rich have pay rises and bonus payments and the people in the middle who form the majority are bled dry. Disabled people are being treated like frauds as are the very vulnerable in society. The education and national health services are on their knees.

How is it right to cut a persons pay so that they are earning LESS than they did years ago when the cost of living is higher? 

How is it right to change the conditions and terms of work half way through their career?

How is it right to expect workers to work longer in jobs which are physical and if they are not at their young, physical peak - could cost lives?

How is it right that from my point of view, having worked since the age of 17 and obtained my qualifications while I worked, had cancer in 2009 and had to fold my business but was not entitled to any help?

I am angry!!!!

Can you tell?

I am an ordinary housewife and mother with autistic children who have been LET DOWN by the health service, LET DOWN by the education system and just generally LET DOWN by the government who should be protecting and helping us. WE ARE THE FORGOTTEN FAMILIES.

So today when those who can are taking industrial action - I SUPPORT YOU!

You are standing up for those who are not allowed to take industrial action and for those of us who are not represented.

Enough of pay rises and bonuses for FAT CATS! Enough of benefits and perks for those who should be doing a job FOR US.

Its time to stand up for what you feel is right.

Apathy is not an option.

YOU can make a difference if only in a small way - heck - I did.

When my dad was a councillor he didn't get paid for what he did and he didn't claim expenses either - he did it because he wanted to help to make a better and fairer world!

I am disillusioned and saddened by our country and I feel extremely let down.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

We are having a little bit of a heatwave here in Wales!!

I hate it!!!!

It's been about 30 degrees here today.

Couldn't sleep last night.

Can't function today.

I think its because we are just not used to it here in the UK. We rarely get temperatures this hot for extended periods so we don't get the chance to aclimitise.

I have a beautiful black Fell pony.....

His paddock has no shade at all so I worry all of the time about him over heating.

However,

Most of all during weather like this.....

Remember not to leave your dogs in cars .....

Two dogs died this week as a result of being left in hot cars.......

Pride in Your Streets - Pride in Your Work

I have always been taught to take pride in my work. I have a strong work ethic and believe that when in employment nothing less than 100% effort is acceptable.

When I was working for a Japanese company, there was a set standard for how your work station should look. Sounds crazy and controlling but they got it right..... a neat desk equals an organised mind. (Pity I have never employed this thought to my own home!!)

I have always taken pride in my work and am always self critical because I strive to do my best for others.

I honestly wished that the refuse collection service of Wrexham Council applied the same ethics.

Considering our council tax has hiked year after year and cuts have been made to our services at the same pace.... I do expect to have a service delivered with pride.

This is not the case.

Although I have seen "Pride in Your Streets" bandied about by the council, it seems a bit of a double standard when their workers don't have pride in our streets and yet we are expected to!!!

What am I talking about??


THIS.................

Each week I take out my refuse and recycling bins and place them neatly outside my house to the side of my driveway and virtually every single week THIS is what I come home to.

We live in a small cul-de-sac with not much parking space or room for manoevre so its frustrating to have to abandon my vehicle blocking 4 other driveways while I remove the said obstacles.

All they need to do is place them back where I put them! Is that too much to ask? That way I can come home from work, park on my drive and then take my bins back in.

Rant over, complaint going in to the council!

The Letter C

Well, a few years ago I was inspired by the late Barry Fraser to join a blogging group called Friday Shoot Out. Each week there would a theme and you would share photos based on that theme. This really was a fun thing to do and helped when I was recovering from cancer. 

Life has moved on since then and I have long since stopped posting in the group but low and behold, via Twitter I found a person doing the same thing and I thought I would give this a go, a fresh start with some new people.

So the theme for this week is the letter C.

Well, my Mr C plays such a huge part in my life how could I not feature this post on him my Cola.

Celebrate Life

January is always a tense month for me because its the month when I found my first breast cancer lump, the month the docs found the second and when I get all of my tests done and find out if I am clear or not.

Well.............................

This January 2013

I got my 4 and 1 year clear for my cancers!

It was worrying for an hour or so because they had found differences in the mammogram images so I had to have another mammogram and an ultra sound to check their findings.

A huge, massive, amazing sigh of relief when they were reported as normal and I was still in remission!

Another positive which came out of my check up was the fact that my wonderful and amazing surgeon has requested that I could change my hormonal drugs back to tamoxifen.

OK I still had back pain while on tamoxifen BUT I didn't have the small bone pain which is in my ribs, feet, fingers, hands, wrists........

So.............. fingers crossed......................

They sanction the change and I can get on with my life!!!

On this note I just want to say how thankful I am to be living in Great Britain where we are fortunate enough to have the NHS. This means that I get the treatment I need with no questions asked and no worries about medical bills.

*images courtesy of google*

Breast Cancer

Four years ago I found the lump in my right breast, surgery and two years of treatment. Five years taking tamoxifen which made my bones ache like I never knew possible. This prompted CT and MRI scans which showed up a crack in my sacral bone.

A year ago following a routine check a new breast cancer was found in my other breast. "Luckily" for me it wasn't as aggressive and so it was "just" surgery and radiotherapy. 

A change in hormone tablet to letrozole.

Can you believe it? more pain.......... I aged over night by about about 30 years.

October came and more surgery so at least I wouldn't have to endure those abdominal injections on a monthly basis for 5 years.

A new drug - Arimadex

Still in pain.

Pain in all of my small joints such as fingers and toes, chronic back pain, pain in my right hip, right shoulder and the joint of my right foot big toe.

In addition to this my blood pressure is raised and I now have high cholesterol.

I have a strong family trait of heart disease in both sides of my family but these problems could be the result of the hormone tablets I am taking. 

Devil you do - Devil you don't!

So here I am ..... and there it is.......


Live for the moment I say..... live for today. You can't change the past and the future is not yet but now is when is important.

I could be 100% healthy and die randomly like my big brother. Fit.....healthy......young...... killed in a car accident at 25.

All of these things are reminders that you should enjoy what you have got and not worry about what you haven't got.

Red Poppy Tour - Mike Peters

Central Station in Wrexham is a brilliant venue for any band. Its big enough but small enough to be intimate. 

Quite a few well known artists have played there including Big Country, Black Stone Cherry to name but a few.

Last night Mike Peters played at Central Station as part of his Red Poppy Tour and despite the fact I was only 9 days post surgery I honestly could not miss this event. I knew the venue, I knew the layout and I knew that if I got there early enough I could get a seat which would protect my tummy and rest it too.

The fact that I had promised to take my son Joe who had just turned 14 to his first Mike Peters gig was something I didn't want to miss.

Picture by Sue Owen via FB

The evening was made even more memorable by meeting other members of the Alarm family. 

Picture by Sue Owens via FB

Joe was a little shell shocked and shy but he thoroughly enjoyed his first Mike Peters gig. A couple of months ago his dad took him to see The Wombats in Delemere Forest and he was quite worried that there would be fans throwing cans and bottles...... No fear of that at a Mike Peters gig, the fans are too in awe of this incredible musician and appreciate his music to detract from the atmosphere with such antics.

The set list was awesome A New Chapter, Without a Fight, Breathe, Majority, Unsafe Building, Deeside, Spirit of 76, Without a Fight, One Guitar, Blaze of Glory, Moments in Time, Love Hope and Strength, Hallowed Ground, Second Generation ..............a m a z i n g

A Week Ago

This time last week I was still in the operating theatre having my Ooporectomy. A week has gone by and I don't regret it for a moment. It was the right thing to do and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to with no cancer baggage weighing me down in the form of monthly Zolodex injections.

This picture was taken a couple of days after the surgery. This is the op site on my right side, there is a smaller one on my left and one inside my naval.

The stitches are disolveable so no worries there about having them taken out.

The stitches are starting to break up now and I will be glad when they have gone because the op sites are sore. It's not too bad really its just that I worry about infection.

My lumpectomies and nodal sweep operations were far more painful than this op so I am hoping to be back in some sort of action in a week.

So the future for me is bright! No more Zolodex injections! (note to self: must phone the district nurse to let her know!).

I am looking forward to getting back into work, getting my dog grooming business up and running again.

Today is a Gift...

Kung Fu Panda

Ah.... what a film!!

These films are a bit like Enid Blyton stories where there is a moral within them.

I love this scene because the quote: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery today is a gift" is such a brilliant saying to live by. A interpretation of what Jesus tells us to do, to think of today not tomorrow.

I think thats what we forget to do really. We tend to live in the past and worry about the future and whats the point? We can't change the past, its happened, its done with, we must accept and learn from it. We can't predict the future its so "unknown" but what we can do is live for today.

Today we have been blessed with all that we have and today is a day for making memories, good memories and happy times.

Don't worry about the future because we don't have ultimate control over it, what will be will be.

Ah... a memory comes to me.......

I was a little girl and I used to walk home from school across a small road, on the way, old Mr Jones would be standing at his wooden gate. He couldn't walk far because he was very old and had poorly feet. I think he may have been a litte senile too because he would always ask me my name. When I told him my name was .....

Sara

He would serendade me with this song..........

and give me a ..................

I often wonder what happened to Mr Jones.

Erosion of our Village

When I moved to Rossett 17 years ago I moved to a quiet part of the village which was vibrant with wildlife, tractors, country smells and sounds.

In that short time my home has changed beyond belief. I don't see Robins in my garden anymore, or Song Thrushes, White Collared Doves or even Wood pigeons.... I don't even know if the resident hedgehog is still here and I no longer hear the call of the vixen to her fox cubs during the night.

Ancient woodland has been chopped down, gardens have been built on and old land mark buildings knocked down.

Orchard Cottage which was beautiful and full of wildlife situated next to the local woods and lake was replaced with about 12 "luxury" homes.

The local High School tennis courts were ear marked to be replaced with luxury homes but I set up a petition  which helped our councillor to challenge the plans and over turn them. The tennis courts are now due to be refurbished in order to be used by the school and the community.

I used to be able to walk and cycle up Gamford Lane but this has become a rat race with commuters using it as a short cut to Chester.

My favourite Black Thorn tree was cut down so that the owners of the house could have a better view of the golf course. That tree supplied many a Sloe berry for the Sloe Gin I made for Christmas presents.

Hedgerows have been pulled up and replaced with Beech trees, Laurels or Conifers. Gone with them are the berries which fed the birds and the Blackberries which I used to make my jam.

I am so sad by the greed of the world we live in.

They are intent on ruining villages and rural locations, destroying villages and turning them into "base camps" for the city chaps who want to benefit from the "rural" location and the cheaper taxes of Wales but don't wish to be part of our community or our culture.

Most of all I am sad about the depletion of wild life which was one of the most wonderful things about living here.

When will the erosion stop?

Radiotherapy Burn Baby Burn!

Its been a few weeks since I finished radiotherapy but here you can see how it is still affecting my skin. I still have burns which have sores and it fluctuates between itching and being sore. The only thing I can do is carry on with not using any perfumed products and applying E45 cream regularly.

Radiotherapy keeps working in your body for years and even 5 years after your treatment changes can happen. These changes include discolouration of the skin which I will definately have in the area you see here as I have the other side. It can also cause changes in the shape and texture and obviously pain.

Pain is something I am used to in those areas now because of the scarred tissue and nerve damage as well as that caused by rads.

Radiotherapy also kills the hair follicles which I am not too bothered about because I don't have to tend to the old pits as much as I used to have too. Chemo seems to have changed that aspect for the best too.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Land of my Fathers

Moving away from my operation and cancer for this post I have been inspired by the Wales V England Rugby match being played right now. My mind has been focusing on my country of Wales.

I am from North Wales, a town called Wrecsam which is a border town. I have a lineage going back hundreds and hundreds of years in fact one of my ancestors was the first recorded vicar of Wrexham Parish Church and Gresford Parish Church where I was married in 1994.

On my maternal side my family can be traced back to the time of the industrial revolution and many of my ancestors worked down pit regardless of age or gender.

I am proud of my heritage and proud of my history and the colourful and interesting family that I am lucky to have been born into.

I have many interesting discussions with my mam about our history and family and its my intention to record these discussions so that I can keep many of these stories which will die with her. Its so good to have living history of decades of growth.

It has always perplexed me from a very young age as to why in school we were always taught English history and not Welsh. All of my knowledge of Welsh history has come down via word of mouth from relatives or my own research. I firmly believe that this is wrong, Welsh history should be on the curriculum of all welsh schools as is the language.

I should have gone to a Welsh school when I was little but my older brother was discriminated against by our own. He was held back a year because he came from a "mixed" background, meaning my mam spoke welsh but my dad didn't. My parents withdrew him from the school because in their view we would be subjected to racism soon enough but not at the age of 4 and not by our own people.

My mams first language is welsh. She could read and write in welsh before she could speak a word of English. Despite this, when she was in school she was forbidden to speak her native tongue and if caught doing so was punished and made to wear a badge saying "Welsh Not" for the rest of the day.

I used to speak welsh and write it too but I have lost the ability in recent years with the death of welsh speaking relatives. When I was in school I used to write and write and write then my mam would go through my work and make any necessary corrections. You can imagine how down trodden I was made to feel when my work came back covered in red ink. I couldn't understand it! Until I found out that the curriculum was based on the language of South Wales.

Looking back at welsh history you can see clearly that we were a tribal nation ruled by Princes this has led to the language changing from region to region. Interestingly the only place in Wales which uses "maen odi" for its snowing is Rhos where my mam is from, the term is Nordic......

Second Lumpectomy part 2

When I got back onto Bonny Ward the one thing that struck me was how much better I felt after the anaesthetic this time around, coupled with the fact that I wasn't hooked up to a morphine drip - this was good news.

It was a small ward with just a few other ladies on it so that was nice. The staff on that afternoon were amazing including a trainee nurse Roisin who was spending her last day there. Such a shame, she was a natural nurse, thorough and caring and yet there was no job for her having completed her training.

I was over the moon to be greeted by my friend PBW at 9pm who came on shift. So lovely to see a friendly, kind and caring face which made all of the difference. The night is always long in hospital and I was woken by doctors caring for one of the ladies on the end beds who was having difficulties with her heart. Thank goodness I brought my eye pad with me and so I shut the light and sound out. I didn't want to intrude on her privacy anymore than I had too poor lady. That night she was taken to the cardiac unit, the doctors were so good with her and gave her the best care.

PBW tucked me in during the night and not only that at 6am she brought me a lovely cup of tea!

I felt much better and decided to wash and put some makeup on before the consultant did his rounds. This was fueled by the fact that Harry couldnt take his eyes off me the night before and Joe told me I looked like a corpse. I felt much better with a bit of lippy on!

My consultant came onto the ward with a host of other registrars, breast care nurses etc and said "is that lipstick?" to which I replied "yes" and with that he said "ah you can definately go home today".

He told me that the operation had been a good one, he had removed about 3oz of breast tissue and got good clearance on the cancer site, he had removed some lymph nodes to sample and things were looking good.

He told me that my treatment would be radiotherapy but that would depend on what the oncologists decided. They are new on the scene and have new ideas so he couldnt be certain what my treatment plan would entail. Lets just hope its not chemo hey, I don't think I could stand to lose my hair again.

I just could not get my head around how much better I felt after this operation than the last one. I know my last tumour was large and alot of tissue was removed but I was left unable to move for many weeks and in the most excrutiating pain.

Day 4 after the operation now and my bandages have been removed only the pads remain in place over the surgical areas. I don't have much feeling in my breast and upper arm due to nerve damage but I know from experience that over time some but not all of the feeling will return.

I feel as though I am being fussed over and thats an alien concept to me, I am used to being totally independant, standing on my own two feet and being self sufficient.

I will let this continue until the week is out and then watch out!