I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.
Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.
My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.
The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.
So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.
Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.
I wrote a post last night on my phone but for some reason I can't publish it. So I will try to remember what I said.
The experience happened yesterday. After a pretty dark week I was and am still feeling quite fragile.
I was out walking a dog on the lanes I have walked for 20 years. I have picked sloes and blackberries here, ridden my horse, walked my own dogs and run down these lanes. They are beautiful.
Yesterday the dog stopped to eat grass. An unusual occurance because she is quite a hyper 7 month old puppy. Grass is good for dogs but thats another subject.
As she gingerly picked at the grass I became aware of the stillness of the air. The heat of the sun kissed my skin and the quietness enveloped me. I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky and in that moment, with the birds chattering around me I experienced pure peace.
I opened my eyes a moment later and I felt spiritually cleansed.
You know that feeling when you get out of a steaming hot bath and your skin feels clean and warm.... thats exactly how my soul felt.
It struck me that without the darkest of moments these brightest of moments would not hold the significance they do.
I feel quite sad and down. Things are changing very quickly with my youngest son growing up and finding his independence.
I have just been shopping for post surgery bras and I can tell you that they are vile. Well actually, no they are not its just the shape of my damaged chest distorts the prosthetics and therefore any bra I wear. Nobody can tell but I can and I feel sad.... I miss my breasts and looking feminine and pretty.
Now that has been said I then feel guilty for moaning about it because there are three women I know who have lost their lives to this disease so how the hell can I be so bloody vain?
Anyway, here I am in Wrexham town sitting in Starbucks with a very large coffee watching people go about their business and trying to sort my head out.
I have put what has happened to me into a box and sealed the lid.
I can't think about what has happened to me this year because it feels as though I have been living as part of a horror movie.
I might be on the road to some sort of recovery physically but emotionally I haven't even started to heal.
The problem with the box that I have put into storage is that I actually forget what I have been through and as a result of that I expect far too much of myself.
I was offered my "dream" job working with horses as a carriage groom at Erddig, a place which has been dear to me all of my life.
It was only when my hubby pointed out the fact that it was too much too soon did I realise the time scale and I acknowledged what my poor body had suffered. It wouldn't be fair on me or my prospective employers.
So I have the range of emotions to deal with. ... anger, injustice, sadness and a feeling of overwhelming despondency. Will I EVER be ME again?
The strong warrior that I am I have taken stock and regrouped. Getting the job was a huge boost to my self esteem which has plummeted and it's given me the push to develop my career further and in other ways.
I received a copy of the letter that my surgeon wrote to my GP and was stunned to find out that my third breast cancer was in fact a relapse of my second but had returned more aggressively.
I am very lucky to have the NHS and the care I have received (apart from my recent surgeries due to cost cutting) has been amazing.
I owe the NHS my life. I am still alive to care for my boys who still need me and somehow I have a purpose in this funny old world to fulfil.
Love Hope Strength. Anybody who knows me, knows that this is the charity I volunteer for and support. This charity was set up by Mike Peters (my hero) and is a cancer foundation. The By Your Side campaign is to raise money for the North Wales cancer centres. You know that I have been fighting cancer since 2009 with 6 operations, 12 rounds of chemo, 30 radiotherapy and 18 herceptin not to mention the blood tests, heart scans, CT and MRI scans....... And the rest!!!!
Really weird to see a friend on one of the photos M!!!! who is a tough welsh fighter just like me. Also Sister Wenna on 1.23 from Shooting Star Unit who took me under her wing. You see, I have small veins so I am hard to canulate. It would take up to 4 attempts to get a line in for chemo so with 12 chemos, you can imagine how many canulas I had to endure. Towards the end of my chemo I literally was a shivering wreck and the only way I could actually pull myself together to face it was to listen to "Fight Back" by The Alarm, this song gave me the gythryl to get in there and do the job. Sister Wenna saw what I had gone through and knowing that I had another 18 shots of targeted chemo (herceptin) to go, she took me under her wing and made it her sole purpose to get the line in herself. She did this spot on for each session. The one she missed because she was on holiday, well, she arranged for another sister to look after me but she made sure I knew in advance etc. Above and beyond the call of duty!! I will never forget Sister Wenna. More recently they tried to canulate my chemo damaged arm and it was like driving nails into my veins. The pain was indescribable. It took me right back to my chemo days and I started shaking so badly. Totally relieved when my surgeon told them to stop and use my better arm. All of these memories. So what LHS is doing for Awyr Las and the By Your Side campaign is amazing and I hope that in the future when I endeavour to raise money for this I will get lots of support.
I took myself to see the Breast Care nurses in hospital on Monday because I was in a terrible state. I felt really low both physically and mentally and was in so much pain I could barely walk.
Bless my husband he took me to the unit via a wheelchair, I honestly don't think I could have managed on foot and that's truly not like me at all.
The doctor who checked out my surgery site said straight away that there was an infection present. Having looked further decided that the fluid build up would need to be checked and drained. My wounds were all OK.
I waited for nearly an hour wearing a hospital gown and on my own because "men" weren't allowed in this area. I was called into the ultrasound room and was told that they would drain the fluid. They wouldn't use a local anaesthetic they would see how they got on.
It hurt as they rummaged with the needle although they did try to be gentle. The fluid literally filled the syringe within moments much to their surprise so they fumbled for a second syringe, that did the same then the third...... Thank goodness that was over.
The blood spillage on my arm smelt like copper - I don't like that smell.
I was offered a cup of tea but I just wanted to get out of there and back to my husband.
The relief from the drainage was instant, at last I could put my arm down!
Antibiotics were collected from the chemist along with more painkillers. What a shock to be charged £8 for the antibiotics because the prescription was written in England! I am a welsh patient, I live in Wales, I have never lived in England and I pay Welsh taxes - totally unacceptable and unfair just because Wales cannot provide the surgery I need.
Rant over!
The antibiotics have worked and I am feeling much better but the fluid has built up again and I am worrying about my appointment on Friday and having drainage again.
You see... I have been fighting cancer since 2009 and I have had more procedures done than I have had hot dinners my entire life. I am sick and tired of being poked and prodded of having cannula's inserted and needles pushed in here and there.
So there you are that's as far as I am with this stupid disease!
Hmmmm.... streaking..... for me it conjures up images of people running naked!!!!
But no, its not! Streaking is about running. I have been off my running during the summer because I tend to get very hot when I exercise and if I over heat I become very ill. This has become worse ever since my cancer treatments so I really do have to be careful. There has been a heatwave this year and its rendered me completely useless. I have been unable to run, walk the dogs, ride my horse or literally do anything. I was feeling pretty low about my running, especially as I am taking part in Erddigs 5K race in September which I am doing to raise a bit of money for North Clwyd Animal Rescue. Then in Septembers issue of Running for Women there was something in it about streaking. Of course it grabbed my attention for obvious reasons but I am glad I did because it has revolutionised my running! I have set myself my own personal goal of running every day for a week for one mile each run. I am currently on day 5 and still trying to get my head around the liberating feeling this has given me. I am not running for long enough to over heat, I can run at any time of the day and am not restricted to early morning and its short enough to fit it in at any time. I am hoping to fulfil my target of a week - 7 days and 7 miles and then perhaps another week. It has rekindled and revived my love of running and is definitely something I will do during summer months when I can't cope with the heat. ( photo courtesy of google chrome)
Many years ago when we were first married, we camped our way around Wales. I fell in love with the peaceful serenity of St. Davids. Indeed, I prayed on a Holy relic and my prayers were answered..... We decided to return there as a family. What struck me was how busy it was but it was a beautiful sunny day and I still felt charmed by the place as before.
The boys on their way into the Cathedral
The entrance
View from the entrance into the catheral
A cute little alley within the Cathedral grounds
Beautiful trees there
By the ford waiting to buy ice cream
Jason and his ice cream
Inside the ruins of the Bishops Palace
Bishops Palace
Bishops Palace
If you look at the dents in the grass, they are where bodies are buried #justsaying
It was a lovely visit only spoilt by a foreign person peeing in the car park and not making the slightest effort to hide what he was up to - disgusting!
I really didn't want to go on holiday... the thought filled me with dread. The fact that I would have to leave my beloved animals AND go camping with two autistic teenagers made it an abhorrent thought. I managed to sort out animal care for a few days and him indoors selected some camp sites in South Wales. The booking was left until last minute and as there was no reply from the two selected so HI decided to do an online booking with a camp site called "Top of the Woods Eco"..... What was I letting myself in for?
Eco camping.... this was a novel idea but sounded just right for us. Arrived on Sunday evening with another two parties just setting up as well. The field was really a meadow and was HUGE, surrounded by woodland and trees (my favourite things) and a natural haven for wildlife large or small. I was intrigued by the idea of solar showers but it soon became evident that they were bags of water which were left to heat by the sun.....
The Shower Tents
The Solar Showers heating in the sun. Behind you can see our tent and the owners tent which is available to hire
Catching rainwater!
The owners had very kindly put 4 solar shower bags out to heat up in the sun for us ready for our arrival which I thought was incredibly thoughtful.
The tent didn't take too long to set up, it was a first time for this one because it was purchased last winter in a sale. I am so glad I bought it, an Outwell Nevada M - lots of space, cosy and really easy to assemble.
Our luxury bedrooms!
HI decided to ditch the blow up camp beds and opted for rigid beds which proved to be much better in my opinion. The only downer for me was that having asked HI to purchase a new sleeping bag for me, he did so, getting my a very pretty pink one which was "short"..... hmmmm short....... short for a kid maybe????????? No1 son weighed up the problem in hand and suggested that I placed the top on the bottom and have the bottom on the top so that at least the head rest part would cover a bit of my body. Good plan but not good enough - thank goodness HI had packed a woollen blanket!
HI - Him Indoors
One of our Oil Lamps with improvised holder
The Meadow Land
It was quite late by the time everything was sorted and we hadn't brought food with us so we went in search of sustenance. The local pub didn't serve food on a Sunday which I thought was a bit odd so we followed directions into Cardigan and had a take out meal of kebab and pizzas for the boys. Bed at last but peace was slow to come. Tired and restless with pent up energy after a long car journey and search for food, the boys had a little tussle and bicker before going to sleep and giving us some well deserved peace. I was flippin frozen that night I can tell you but I survived! The peace and quietness, the relaxed and friendly atmosphere of the camp site more than made up for bickering teens and cold nights in mini sleeping bags. I will tell you about the rest of our adventures in my next post if you are interested?
I really feel at peace with life right now. I am in a good place for once in my life.
The fog is starting to lift from my mind, my thought processes are becoming clearer, I am beginning to get myself back after the last 4 1/2 years of hell.
Things have changed so much during that time, life doesn't stand still just because you are fighting for your life.
Cost of living has gone up (allot) and my husbands wages have gone down (allot), with me not working since 2009 - we are under pressure economically. I never ever thought that we would be in this situation at this stage of our life together but having said that I never ever thought that I would get cancer TWICE.
Over the last week or so we have made some big decisions. We are going to down scale what we have so that we can consolidate our finances whilst supporting our youngest son through a difficult transition to a new school (I will cover that one in a post of its own). With him being on the Autistic spectrum its important to channel my energies into him.
During this time I am going to do more courses and studying so that when the time is right I can launch a brand new business.
The thoughts are in my head at the moment, still in that brain storming phase before I put pen to paper and a plan of how I am going to achieve these goals.
Big changes in our lives but exciting times really. Things to look forward to.
At the end of the day I have a most beautiful soul mate in my pony Cola, I have my dogs, a fabulous husband and two (stressful) but gorgeous sons, an amazing support network of brilliant friends and most of all I have my life and my health.
We are having a little bit of a heatwave here in Wales!!
I hate it!!!!
It's been about 30 degrees here today.
Couldn't sleep last night.
Can't function today.
I think its because we are just not used to it here in the UK. We rarely get temperatures this hot for extended periods so we don't get the chance to aclimitise.
I have a beautiful black Fell pony.....
His paddock has no shade at all so I worry all of the time about him over heating.
However,
Most of all during weather like this.....
Remember not to leave your dogs in cars .....
Two dogs died this week as a result of being left in hot cars.......
I was diagnosed in 2009 with a nasty breast cancer. Having said that, ALL cancers are flippin' nasty aren't they!!
2012 I had a second breast cancer, other side this time!
I don't carry the breast cancer gene, I don't tick any of the boxes for being at risk of the disease, I suppose I was just a bit unlucky.
Anyway.... blah blah blah I had lots of treatment, surgeries, chemo, herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone treatment.
I was on tamoxifen at first but because another hormone sensitive cancer grew in spite of this they changed my hormone treatment to;
* having my ovaries shut down with monthly injections (for 5 years)
* letrozol
Well..... the thought of having abdominal injections every month for years didn't really appeal to me PLUS the fact that the injections put me into a chemically induced menopause so in 5 years would I come off the injections then go through a natural menopause???? The thought of going through all that twice really filled me with dread so I PUSHED (and I had to push hard) to have an elected Oophorectomy - the best thing I ever did!! Keyhole surgery - recovery time was quicker than my breast ops and the discomfort was minimal.
The letrozol made every bone in my body hurt so I was changed to Arimadex. Although that it is better than the letrozol it still makes me tired, my brain fuzzy and my bones hurt.
On Thursday I am waiting to see my GP to go through some statistics so that I can decide whether or not I continue with the drugs.
My gut feeling is that I have had my ovaries removed which produced 80% of my oestrogen and with me losing weight and toning up my body I will naturally produce less.
I have been on cancer treatment for almost 5 years now, I have lost so much during that time and the side effects have been so hard to live with that I honestly can't face further treatment for another 4 years.
I am extremely lucky to live in Wales, UK so I have the NHS and the North Wales Health Trust has provided me with the best care I could ever have wished for. They are thorough beyond belief and leave no stone unturned.
I honestly want to get on with my life.
Back in 2009 I had to shut down my successful Dog Grooming Business "Clippers and Claws". Living with the side effects I have been unable to restart it and now another groomer has opened in our village. I am angry, I feel cheated and frustrated. If it hadn't been for flippin cancer I would have a salon right now and a successful one too.
So I have to put my frustration to one side and stay focused on the fact that;
1. I am alive
2. I can still groom dogs only not as many at the moment
3. I am taking very positive steps to cure my back pain
January is always a tense month for me because its the month when I found my first breast cancer lump, the month the docs found the second and when I get all of my tests done and find out if I am clear or not.
Well.............................
This January 2013
I got my 4 and 1 year clear for my cancers!
It was worrying for an hour or so because they had found differences in the mammogram images so I had to have another mammogram and an ultra sound to check their findings.
A huge, massive, amazing sigh of relief when they were reported as normal and I was still in remission!
Another positive which came out of my check up was the fact that my wonderful and amazing surgeon has requested that I could change my hormonal drugs back to tamoxifen.
OK I still had back pain while on tamoxifen BUT I didn't have the small bone pain which is in my ribs, feet, fingers, hands, wrists........
They sanction the change and I can get on with my life!!!
On this note I just want to say how thankful I am to be living in Great Britain where we are fortunate enough to have the NHS. This means that I get the treatment I need with no questions asked and no worries about medical bills.
This time last week I was still in the operating theatre having my Ooporectomy. A week has gone by and I don't regret it for a moment. It was the right thing to do and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to with no cancer baggage weighing me down in the form of monthly Zolodex injections.
This picture was taken a couple of days after the surgery. This is the op site on my right side, there is a smaller one on my left and one inside my naval.
The stitches are disolveable so no worries there about having them taken out.
The stitches are starting to break up now and I will be glad when they have gone because the op sites are sore. It's not too bad really its just that I worry about infection.
My lumpectomies and nodal sweep operations were far more painful than this op so I am hoping to be back in some sort of action in a week.
So the future for me is bright! No more Zolodex injections! (note to self: must phone the district nurse to let her know!).
I am looking forward to getting back into work, getting my dog grooming business up and running again.
These films are a bit like Enid Blyton stories where there is a moral within them.
I love this scene because the quote: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery today is a gift" is such a brilliant saying to live by. A interpretation of what Jesus tells us to do, to think of today not tomorrow.
I think thats what we forget to do really. We tend to live in the past and worry about the future and whats the point? We can't change the past, its happened, its done with, we must accept and learn from it. We can't predict the future its so "unknown" but what we can do is live for today.
Today we have been blessed with all that we have and today is a day for making memories, good memories and happy times.
Don't worry about the future because we don't have ultimate control over it, what will be will be.
Ah... a memory comes to me.......
I was a little girl and I used to walk home from school across a small road, on the way, old Mr Jones would be standing at his wooden gate. He couldn't walk far because he was very old and had poorly feet. I think he may have been a litte senile too because he would always ask me my name. When I told him my name was .....
The aim of this world wide cancer charity is to provide cancer resources in every country. It also has a huge bone marrow donor drive and Mike is campaigning to reduce the donor age of people in the UK. At the moment you have to be 40 or under whereas in USA its 60. If you follow this LINK you can read a bit more about what the charity is about.
Fighting cancer one concert at a time.
So thats what we did yesterday, me and Jason.... we joined Love Hope Strength to climb to the summit of Mount Snowdon, the highest mountain in Wales to raise lots of money for this great charity.
We set off in the morning starting with a few words from Mike Peters and some tunes.
It started to rain and soon it was belting it down. By the time we got to the Halfway House we were completely drenched. A sandwich and a drink soon helped lift my mood and then I was amazed as Mike and Chris Summerill and Matt all did a song each.
I had to laugh at Mike and Jules young son, mimicking his dad behind him and when he was asked was he going to be a rock star when he grew up he said very firmly "a footballer".
I found that first trek very difficult mainly because I was over heating and yet having to wear waterproofs to keep me dry. Many times I saw that train on its merry way to the top and I wished I was on there!
It was lovely to see mini versions of Cola on the way up. This little chap was quite happy sleeping whilst being over looked and watched by the rest of his pack.
I especially liked meeting up with friends, Sue O, Shirley G, Joff N, Nigel and Sue A and their daughter, Chris S and his wife and lovely dogs not to mention Dave S! The man with the flag!
People were so friendly going up, it was inspiring to see young and old all going up with one aim in mind - to climb that summit and raise money for this cancer charity.
When we got to the top we were treated to more songs and then a well deserved hot chocolate and a warm before we went out into the elements again.
Mike Peters pictured here singing in the rain and yes he DID climb that flippin mountain with a knee injury!
Do you need inspiration? Do you need a heroe or mentor? Look no further than this man here!!!
Singing at the top - walkers who didn't know what we were about did look rather puzzled. Note to self.... next year - yep you heard me correctly - next year I am going to take some leaflets with me about the charity and when I get talking to people - which we did yesterday I will pass them on to spread the word. Its not just about the money its about raising awareness and getting people to register for bone marrow donorship.
The way down was alot easier and quicker plus the sun came out and by the time we got to the bottom our clothes were bone dry. Apart from my feet which were soggy and I feared a case of trench foot when I took my boots and socks off!
It was nice to be greeted by our mini Cola at the end.
Many people took their dogs up to the summit and thats a great idea, lovely day out for them but one woman (from a different party to LHS) took her 8 month old golden retriever up there and he was refusing to walk down, she had to go and get some food for him to encourage him.
NOTE: Dogs under the age of 1 years old should not be subjected to strenuous exercise which includes running with you, mountain walks or anything lasting a considerable amount of time. The reason for this is simple.... they are still growing and their bones are forming. Any exertion can cause skeletol problems later on in life. Always consult your vet before taking your dog on a walk such as this.
I didn't take my dogs for these reasons:-
Pickles - she is just over 8 years old and has always been stiff she isn't suited to such walks
Wilbur - is recovering from the back infection he had and is not fit enough as yet
Snowy - is only 9 months old and too young to tackle it
It was a great day and an achievement for me with the fun I have had this year so far !!!!
Money raised from this walk will be going to the North Wales Cancer Unit to improve the lives of cancer patients in this part of my country.
And on that note, I leave you with Chris Summerill - his next CD is out soon so he tells me!!!! Can't wait!!
I can mark my life out in music, so many songs for so many reasons so I can only share a few with you.
This song is beautiful but so so sad. It was played at my big brothers funeral in September 1990. He was 25 years old and his car crashed, he died instantly leaving behind a young wife and his one year old daughter. That day he broke many hearts and almost 22 years later he is missed more than anything else in the world.
I remember playing this song over and over and really identifying with it. I was a goth punk at the time and in the 80's goth punk wasn't as fashionable as it was then. For a start we didnt get our clothes and makeup handed to us on a plate in the form of specialist shops. I personally had an idea of how I wanted to look and I had to create that look myself.... this involved dark makeup, lots and lots of hair spray, a basque, black evening gloves and a long pencil skirt sewn up so that I had to walk like Morticia!!! I always remember my mum lecturing me on how I dressed and how negative it was, how it could affect my job etc etc. Ah listen to the lyrics and you will understand.
Wieders Toccatta from Symphony No 5 - ah yes ! A truly beautiful piece of music, I loved it so much because it sounded so fresh, new and rejoiceful. This was the piece of music I chose to walk down the aisle after Jason and I were married. You can imagine my upset and desperate disappointment when it wasnt played because the organist forgot the music!!
I had many hard times growing up which had a huge impact on me, my self confidence etc. but eventually having had cognitive therapy I was able to come to terms with my past and move forward. At this point, this song said it all for me.
I was diagnosed with HER2 Pos, hormone receptive stage 3 breast cancer. I was told that because of my young age they were going to hit me with everything. This involved surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, 15 rounds of radiotherapy and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have small veins so half way through the chemo they started to collapse and become hard so canulating me became a traumatic experience. I remember going to chemo sessions and fear would grip my heart... I would play and sing this song loudly and it gave me the courage to walk into the war and let battle commence.
And finally I come to Love Hope Strength..... Listen to the words and I can identify with them so well... The click click click of the killing machines - the IV drips you get hooked up to.............
I cry when I listen to this song because I have faced cancer twice and I have kicked its sorry arse with the help of music and friends.
Music has always been a part of my life from the age dot! My first memory is the old piano my mum had. What a beautiful piece of furniture it was too..... Walnut with patterns, real ivory and ebony keys - I loved to sit and play on that but was always wary of the lid shutting on little fingers!
I liked it when the man came to tune the piano and I could look inside. I don't think he was interested in little children, I think I used to get in the way.
My last memory of that beautiful piece of furniture was sacrilage! My mum chopped it up - don't know why but she did. So sad.
I always remember Andy Williams on the radio and I hated it, still do now.... Great tune, nice voice BUT I always associate that music and his voice with rainy days when I was confined to the house, colouring in stupid pictures while mum did housework.
My friends and I grew up in the 70's and early 80's the days of Fame, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. We decided to have our own little dance routine to Needles and Pins. We would rehearse in my garage away from the teasing of the boys. The vinyl single would be put on the old fashioned player and off we would go on our routine.
The Funky Gibbon by the Goodies was one of the first singles I ever bought. My brothers and I clubbed our pocket money together to buy it. Boy that record got played and played and we knew all of the actions! It still makes me smile to think about it.
Depeche Mode were always my favourite band to dance to at the DISCO!!! I loved their albums which were forever on my turn table.
Ooh early 80's Depeche Mode were the first band I ever saw live, I think it was in Manchester Apollo....
