I've Lost Count!!

So much has happened since 17th February that I have lost count on how many weeks have passed since my operation.

A week last Friday I had the stitches removed which had become embedded in my skin. Indeed, two stitches had tangled up with each other and were trapping a nerve hence my pain. Three syringes of fluid was also removed.

This could have been done on the Tuesday had my surgeon been available but instead I had to wait a further 3 days before my suffering ended.

However, the relief was almost instant and from the Sunday I gathered up my courage and started to go back to my horse care routine with continued help from my wonderful friends. I honestly don't know how I would have coped so if you are reading this...... Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So here I am now..... my back pain has returned with a vengence but at least it's not a threat to my life and I know what I need to do to sort it out.

Spending this week with my boy has been the best medicine I ever could have wished for. Just being with him, smelling him, watching him, loving him has filled my heart with so much joy I could burst. (Don't worry, I won't burst because that would be rather messy).

At last, this part of my life is over and I am looking forward to the summer and making the most of life, after all.... you only get one!!

If I Was an Animal.....

I have been plagued by what I think is, a trapped nerve on my left side. I think its around my hip or sacral area where the fracture is and it shoots down my leg.

Is it painful? yes.

As painful as my existing back pain? yes.

More painful as my existing back pain? nope.

Its on the same pain level as what I live with every day but it feels funny and is more annoying, or agrivating like toothache or a headache.

Its worse when I get up in the morning and turning over during the night.

I have been for a run this morning and I know you will be thinking what a silly thing to do that is if I have these pains but honestly, I find that running helps the pain and loosens me up. I am no Olympic athlete, my pace is very slow compared to what I was before 2009 but I plod along and it makes me feel better.

I ran this morning without music because I wanted to do some thinking.

The sun was shining and everywhere looked green and lush and fresh. 

As I was running I thought about my ailments and realised that if I was an animal I would have been put to sleep a long time ago because I do feel broken.

I feel like a broken toy. 

My parts have been glued back together and great attempts have been made to fix me but you can still see the crack lines and I no longer run efficiently..... I am rather slow with the odd cough and splutter then I stop working for a bit......

I honestly feel like a reject. I feel as though nobody would ever find me remotely attractive ever again.

I am working through these feelings and I am sure that with time will come acceptance but at the moment I feel just like this.

some images courtesy of google search engine

Poem of Thanks to the NHS Staff

I got cancer in 2009

It was then I decided

To beat the swine!

I had it again in 2012

To my inner strength

I had to delve.

My care was at Wrexhams Shooting Star

The staff and doctors

Were the best by far.

Sister Wenna took special care of me

My veins were small

But so gentle she would be.

Smiling, encouraging, cheerful and nice

Always on hand with care

And advice.

5 and 2 the years I am clear

The NHS helped me fight cancer

Without fear

Amazing and selfless

Loyal and true

NHS staff

I am indebted to you!

My first cancer operation scar, I had a huge heamatoma so the scar is quite thick

When my hair was growing back I looked like a kiwi fruit

Cancer doesnt always make you thin, it makes you fat because of all the steroids and poisen pumped into yout body

fat and bald wasnt a great look

my oncologist said that I had a nice shaped head so I was lucky

I couldnt stop touching my head when my hair was growing back, you could actually feel the follicles bursting through

My veins took a battering and became hard and painful - approx 40 - 50 IVs over 2 years some only a couple of weeks apart

Almost there with the hair

This always helped more than anyone will ever know

A regular thing

The biopsy

First op scar

1st op under arm scar where they take the sample lymph nodes, I still have no feeling there

After a biopsy for my 2nd cancer

Op site after my 2nd cancer. The blue is the dye they inject into your nipple so that they can use a tracer to get the right sample lymph nodes. Without this I would have had to have the whole lot removed with devastating consequences

My Oophorectomy scar. Elected operation to remove my ovaries which made 80% of the hormones which fed both of my cancers. Its changed my life but I don't regret it.

This is what I have due to many riding accidents in my youth but the chemo and cancer drugs attack the bones and any weaknesses in them

Is what I feel every day of my life

Is how I feel every single day when I wake up and I am alive

Me now 5 years on

False Starts and Falls

I had a go at changing to a new blog but it didn't really feel "right". Why? well because the new blog was all about starting again, a "new" me but the reality is, there IS no "new" me......

I am me and I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of cancer and what its done to me. 

I am struggling with how chemotherapy, surgery and drugs have changed me,  what I have lost and the guilt around feeling like this. I have had my life saved! I am alive! I should be grateful, not angry and frustrated!!!

I have been referred to the Parabl service because the mental health units are full to bursting and the waiting list is extensive so its quicker to use this charity service.

I have only had one session so far and its great, its good but I am not sure its what I need. I think I need something deeper to help me deal with the conflicts going on in my mind and the bereavement and loss I am feeling for what cancer stole off me. I have only had one session though so lets see what the rest brings.

You see.... when you are diagnosed with cancer especially at my age and the sort I had, everyone is full on trying to help you, treat you, make sure that you are cancer free but once they are happy that you are ok and cancer free everything stops...... Its like being cared for and loved in a comfortable palace then finding yourself homeless and hungry.

You are left with mental and physical scars which will never leave and you are left to deal with them on your own.

Chronic pain, depression, age and loss - thats what I am left with.

To top it all there is then "Survivors Guilt". Yep you feel guilty for actually beating cancer especially when you hear about the fallen..... especially when you find out that somebody you know who was diagnosed and treated at the same time as you has lost the fight. I feel like crap basically. I feel like a spoilt child complaining about things I shouldn't complain about. All this time, people are looking at you thinking how lucky you are to be alive and I am thinking about all of the things I have lost!!!! Its a head f*&k !

I am not all gloom and doom though.

Please don't think that I sit at home crying and wallowing because I don't.

I am one of the most positive people around and I grab life with both hands BUT you have to see the war thats raging in my head to fully understand why I am the way I am.

I have decided to come back to blogging because when I was in the midst of a full on battle blogging was my therapy, it was my way of dealing with the shit I had been given. 

I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel and I am holding nothing back.

Flippin Cancer

I was diagnosed in 2009 with a nasty breast cancer. Having said that, ALL cancers are flippin' nasty aren't they!!

2012 I had a second breast cancer, other side this time!

I don't carry the breast cancer gene, I don't tick any of the boxes for being at risk of the disease, I suppose I was just a bit unlucky.

Anyway.... blah blah blah I had lots of treatment, surgeries, chemo, herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone treatment.

I was on tamoxifen at first but because another hormone sensitive cancer grew in spite of this they changed my hormone treatment to;

* having my ovaries shut down with monthly injections (for 5 years)
* letrozol

Well..... the thought of having abdominal injections every month for years didn't really appeal to me PLUS the fact that the injections put me into a chemically induced menopause so in 5 years would I come off the injections then go through a natural menopause???? The thought of going through all that twice really filled me with dread so I PUSHED (and I had to push hard) to have an elected Oophorectomy - the best thing I ever did!! Keyhole surgery - recovery time was quicker than my breast ops and the discomfort was minimal.

The letrozol made every bone in my body hurt so I was changed to Arimadex. Although that it is better than the letrozol it still makes me tired, my brain fuzzy and my bones hurt.

On Thursday I am waiting to see my GP to go through some statistics so that I can decide whether or not I continue with the drugs.

My gut feeling is that I have had my ovaries removed which produced 80% of my oestrogen and with me losing weight and toning up my body I will naturally produce less.

I have been on cancer treatment for almost 5 years now, I have lost so much during that time and the side effects have been so hard to live with that I honestly can't face further treatment for another 4 years.

I am extremely lucky to live in Wales, UK so I have the NHS and the North Wales Health Trust has provided me with the best care I could ever have wished for. They are thorough beyond belief and leave no stone unturned.

I honestly want to get on with my life.

Back in 2009 I had to shut down my successful Dog Grooming Business "Clippers and Claws". Living with the side effects I have been unable to restart it and now another groomer has opened in our village. I am angry, I feel cheated and frustrated. If it hadn't been for flippin cancer I would have a salon right now and a successful one too.

So I have to put my frustration to one side and stay focused on the fact that;

1. I am alive
2. I can still groom dogs only not as many at the moment
3. I am taking very positive steps to cure my back pain

Cola and His Bad Back Update

I am not very good at keeping up with my blog, I seem to publish a post a month! I really must do better than that!

Last month I explained how Cola had seen a chiropractor to sort out his back. As luck would have it, my friend who also has her horse on my yard is training to become a chiropractor for horses and dogs. She is extremely knowledgeable and has taken Cola and I under her wing.

Claire has been regularly working on Colas back and has shown me how to carry out simple stretching exercises and strapping which I do on a daily basis. With her help great progress is being made!

Colas weight is dropping and he is now classed as "fat" but borderline ok for his breed. I weighed him yesterday with a weigh tape and he was 504kg so he needs to drop about 20kg. I am sure that we will get to that point very soon.

He is on limited turn out for grass so no more than 5-6 hours per day. His hay is soaked for 24 hours and he has an unlimited supply, he has two small feeds consisting of happy hoof, dynamic balancer and garlic.

So things really are looking up for us!

Cola's Bad Back

When Cola came into our lives he was 18 rising 19. Next month he will be 21 and in horse terms he is considered a veteran.

As you know, age doesn't come on its own and just before winter I noticed a slight stiffening in his front lets, a reluctance to lift them to be picked (cleaned) out. With this in mind, I despite the fact that he is a hardy Fell, I decided to keep him in a stable rug at night and a raincoat (lightweight rug) during the day.

Luckily it has been an extremely mild and dry winter so things have been good.

Since we have had Cola we have all discussed the fact that he has a dreadfully uncomfortable trot and canter which is unusual for such a roly poly chap but thought nothing of it. I have a bad lower back at the best of times so I put it all down to that.

Then for Jasons birthday, I bought him some riding lessons with our instructor friend and during his first lesson, she realised that although he wasn't showing lame, he was not as fluid as he normally is. I was busy eating Jelly Babies at the time so until my attention was called I hadn't noticed either.

We trotted him up and couldn't decide if it was his near side shoulder or leg.

We have an equine vet on our yard and he carried out an examination of Cola. Cola must have sensed he was a V-E-T because he didn't want him touching him no matter what!

He carried out a flex test on all of his legs and when he touched his back towards the hip area, Cola protested alot, rearing, kicking out and shivering. 50/50- this was...... I mean 50 pain and 50 the V-E-T!!!!

I was really worried now, I had thoughts of him being retired, or becoming terribly unsound or even dieing. One thing I was sure about that even if he could never be ridden again, he would be staying with us for the rest of his life. I made him that promise when he came into our family and I am sticking by it.

My friend was so calming and so good. Immediately she was on the phone to her "back" person and amazingly although she only works this area on a Wednesday, she was working Tuesday and had a free session at 5pm.

Well the "back" person called Rachel came. We walked him up then trotted him, we then turned circles and she immediately told us what was wrong.

It wasn't his hind near - it was actually his front right and he was suffering from an old injury, probably one which he had got before he came to us. It meant that his hip was thrown out and his left side was compensating and therefore had over developed muscles while the right side had deteriorated. This gave the affect from behind of being up on his near side.

We took him into his stable because the wind was keen around there at that time and we didn't want him becoming cold.

I was totally amazed at how Rachel worked. She was quiet, confident and kind and Cola seemed to accept that she was here to help him. He let her massage him and touch him, and was so comfortable he continued to munch his hay.

She then manipulated the hip and we heard a crack - scarey stuff!

After a short time we were done and I was told to rest him for another day then start off with light hacks.

Since then I have been taking him out for 20 minutes at a time and the difference in him is amazing. He walks perfectly and my hips sway with his movement as they should have done before and there was me blaming it on MY back. After riding Cola now, my back is actually better rather than stiffer.

So Rachel returns on 9th May to check on how he is doing and carry out another session on him then its up to me to rehabilitate him. With the summer coming up I am sure we will both be back to fitness pretty quickly.

I have been advised to get him checked annually now but given his age and the fact that he has a weakness now, I am going to have him checked every six months.