It's a Bra Thing

No matter what surgeries I have had on my breasts, wearing a bra was/is painful. Not, Oh my God reach for the painkillers sort of painful but just annoyingly so.

The problem has become even more of an issue following my double mastectomy and failed reconstruction so I have opted for prosthetic free days. The problem with this is because I had failed reconstruction, I am left with holes... well... not actual holes but the surgeon described them as "dishes" and that's what they are like. This means that my tummy looks even fatter!

In desperation I decided to give Nicola Jane a go and ordered a couple of everyday TShirt bras. Well... what a difference! They are the most comfortable bras I have ever worn AND they make my prosthetics look nice. (Although I do miss the look of my F boobs).

It's come to something when I no longer shout "where's my glasses" instead I shout "where's my boobs". I'm ready for reconstruction now.

I saw the plastic surgeon in Liverpool last August. I haven't heard from them since so a quick phone call confirmed that I haven't been lost, I am still on the list!

I want to put cancer behind me and I can't do that with the hideous deformity I have been left with. The amputation scars are brutal and horrid.

I know that I will never have proper boobs again, they will never look normal but they will be a lot more normal than the battle ground I have been left with.

The plan is to have tattoo designs across my chest. Why would I go for a 3D nipple tattoo because that would be me pretending that these boobs are real and are what I was meant to be. I want to have something pretty to hide the inevitable scars and signify my journey and the strength life has given me.

If anyone has any ideas please feel free to comment.

Fab at Fifty??? I am an Old Crone

Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that I was looking forward to being "Fab at Forty".... I must say that my forties have been completely and utterly horrid. That said, I don't want to hit fifty in December but I its a fact that its going to happen (thank goodness because that means I am still alive) so I might as well do it and be fab!

At this point in my life I feel as though I have got to where I am meant to be. I still don't have all of the answers and I still take each step as it comes but now I can do so with new found confidence and wisdom.

There are three phases to a woman.... The girl or "maiden", the mother and the crone. I have been catapaulted into the crone phase with my cancer treatmens and it sounds horrid doesn't it?

"you crone"

"you old crone"

What do you envisage when you hear or say the word crone?

Is it......

Or.....

Well you are wrong..... A crone is this......

A crone is this......

Life has been a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and even more downs but the ride has made me stronger and wiser.

Hell I am not perfect and I never will be because I am a human being but at least now I can see how wrong I was to compare myself to others, to try to be like other people, to do what other people do, to hide my true self because of fear of rejection.....l

Yeah...... I am a crone. At first the thought scared the hell out of me, now I am happy with it. I am older and wiser but will anyone listen to me.

Ah well, at the end of this year I am going to be flippin fab at 50.... I have said goodbye to cancer and now I am going to get back to where I was before it rudely interrupted.

Over the Hump and Way to Go!!!!!

I haven't been writing much recently.... not because I haven't got anything to write about but because life has kind of sabotaged my emotions and my head has not been in a good place.

However, this weekend at The Gathering in Llandudno, I was asked why had I stopped writing. 

Later on in the day I retreated into my shed, I dimmed the lights and then I consulted my cards... I asked for guidance on where I should be going with my life and the cards I drew were guiding me towards healing and counselling through the medium of writing.... interesting!

I have decided to try and make a habit of writing as often as I can because if it helps just one person with their battles in life then it has served its purpose.

I must admit, I didn't think anyone read my ramblings which is another reason for not writing as much.

I have been experiencing some dark times emotionally and felt that I couldn't perform reiki or angel therapy but I see now that I should not have blocked myself and turned myself off, healing others with such beautiful energies in turn heals yourself.

The title of this blog is a bit weird but I do feel as though I hit a hump and now I am over it and on a homeward stretch.

This weekend I had the privilege of watching the most amazing man in rock and roll perform over two nights. This man is battling cancer for the third time in his life.

Friends have commented about how Mike is dealing with this third cancer, maybe not doing so well with the chemo, maybe being more cautious..... I don't know, all I know is how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.

The first time you are diagnosed is like hitting a wall at 100mph. You ask "why me?" then when the shock has worn off you just throw yourself into positivity and treatment because you know that "cancer ain't gonna beat you" (my first blog).

The second time you are diagnosed is like being pushed into a hedge and you feel slightly dazzled, winded and you think "this isn't fair" but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you throw yourself into positivity and treatment but now you feel as though you have a monkey on your back.....

Things go well and you feel great with life then out of the blue you are given a third cancer diagnosis.

This for me was like being beaten to the ground and given a good kicking. This time I metaphorically lay on the ground, dazed and shattered.... now this cancer thing is very real.

I am lucky in that I have had surgery and treatment and can be considered in remission or cancer free..... but that third cancer diagnosis changes you deeply. You no longer feel invincible, theres that sword of Damocles hanging over your head......

This is not a morbid post..... I think that feeling this way is something that I have struggled with but now I realise that life is even more precious and each moment needs to count, each breath you take needs to be relished.

Nobody knows what life has in store for them, there is no plan... Each new day of your life is a blank page and the future isn't known, you just have to keep turning the pages with faith and positivity.



Photos bar 1 courtesy of Google Search

Emotional Healing

Its been one hell of a year to be honest with you. 

Started off in December when my friends horse died. He was old and ailing but I helped her out with him and being stable buddies not only did I have to deal with the loss of her horse but her as well.

At the start of January following the installation of my special "shed" I received notification from the council that somebody had reported me for running a dog grooming business from home! 

Really?

 If the council had camped outside my house for a month they wouldn't have seen a thing because I only groom dogs as a hobby these days in order to keep my hand in. FFS my health won't allow anything more.

That really did shake me to the core I can tell you especially as one of my original customers back when I was grooming died suddenly and I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer.

I can't really explain how it made me feel. I felt violated, watched, I felt as though I had the evil eye on me..... It was dreadful. Whoever did that to me .... well .... shame on them!

After that .... everything that could go wrong DID go wrong and what followed were months of operations, antibiotics, pain, pain and more pain.....

I do think that the shock and upset of the council report did have an impact  on my immune system which isn't the best after my other illnesses and contributed to the hell that followed.

So now I am at a point in my life where I am taking time out to draw breath and heal my emotions.

I have had some reiki healing which has helped alot, its a great energy which goes where its needed.

I have forgiven the person who reported me to the council. I feel sorry for whoever they are because if they felt that insecure about me or hated me that much then they must be very sad individuals. I won't waste any emotion on them other than pity and sadness. 

As for the cancer and what the failed reconstruction has left me with.... well ..... thats more difficult. 

I still can't look at myself or touch the area. It feels strange anyway and I have been left with a dishing effect so prosthetics don't sit well either. The prosthetics cause pain too and yet I feel exposed without them.

It is going to take a long time to come to terms with all of this mess and my new body image. 

Time is a great healer and I am sure that once I have accepted what has happened I will come to accept this new me - or will I?

Post War Resting

I can't explain how it feels to be me right now.

The war is over and I have won but I am not euphoric over my victory because I am exhausted and taking time out to catch my breath and heal my wounds.

How can I be euphoric when so many fellow soldiers have fallen in conflict?

I feel sad for them.

I feel guilty for surviving.

I feel even more guilty when I complain because I am still here and they are not.

The war is won but I am scared to celebrate. .... just in case.

I am enjoying the peace now that the turmoil is over. 6 years of fighting and I can't quite believe that it's over at last.

I am loving the fact that I am still alive.

It puts everything into perspective. You know, those people who want to bring you down ... they don't matter. They are living in their own private misery, a place I don't care to visit or even acknowledge.

The fact that I don't have money or a fancy house. .. doesn't matter.

Gone are the days when I would worry about other people.

I have fought a great fight and I won!

So now,  I am taking this time to draw breath and appreciate what has been in preparation for what will be.