Fab at Fifty??? I am an Old Crone

Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that I was looking forward to being "Fab at Forty".... I must say that my forties have been completely and utterly horrid. That said, I don't want to hit fifty in December but I its a fact that its going to happen (thank goodness because that means I am still alive) so I might as well do it and be fab!

At this point in my life I feel as though I have got to where I am meant to be. I still don't have all of the answers and I still take each step as it comes but now I can do so with new found confidence and wisdom.

There are three phases to a woman.... The girl or "maiden", the mother and the crone. I have been catapaulted into the crone phase with my cancer treatmens and it sounds horrid doesn't it?

"you crone"

"you old crone"

What do you envisage when you hear or say the word crone?

Is it......

Or.....

Well you are wrong..... A crone is this......

A crone is this......

Life has been a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and even more downs but the ride has made me stronger and wiser.

Hell I am not perfect and I never will be because I am a human being but at least now I can see how wrong I was to compare myself to others, to try to be like other people, to do what other people do, to hide my true self because of fear of rejection.....l

Yeah...... I am a crone. At first the thought scared the hell out of me, now I am happy with it. I am older and wiser but will anyone listen to me.

Ah well, at the end of this year I am going to be flippin fab at 50.... I have said goodbye to cancer and now I am going to get back to where I was before it rudely interrupted.

Angelina Jolie - Ooperectomy

Angelina Jolie - Hollywood Actress, beautiful strong mother of six children carrying the breast cancer gene which claimed the lives of both her mother and grandmother.

She has made the brave decision to have an elected mastectomy and reconstruction and now an Ooperectomy in order to reduce the risk of cancer.

I have had both of those surgeries.

I had to push really hard for my Ooperectomy even though part of my breast cancer treatment was to medically shut down my ovaries for 5 years!

Thats one abdominal injection per month for 5 years!!!

It doesn't make me feel less feminine. 

It hasn't been a chore at all. 

Most of the treatments I have received have given me the symtoms on menopause anyway so having the ovaries removed and being plunged into that part of my destiny was no big deal and the fact that I have reduced the risk of cancer alot is a huge reassurance for me.

Had I not had breast cancer three times ...

Had I been told that I carried the gene.....

I hope that I would have had the strength to do what Angelina Jolie has done.

I hope that her open and honest declaration makes this extremely hard decision doable for other women.

Boobs!

I have never appreciated the true value of boobs before. I have taken them for granted and to be honest with you, I give you this piece of advice.......

"be careful what you wish for"

Sporting a 32F / 32G cup I have wished for smaller boobs and now having had 3 surgeries on them I don't have them anymore.

Well.... I do have them but they are not like my own! They have been put there but I have yet to mentally adopt them.

32C - wish I looked like her as well!

More than a handful is a waste so they say.

Alot of breast tissue was removed and I think I have explained in earlier posts what they did. I am hoping that as a result of this my chronic back pain will be gone.

Its been an assett carrying my extra weight for the last 6 years. Its as though my body kind of "knew" what was coming and the size issue has helped me to keep a decent rack of boobs.

Now however, I need to diet. I need to lose this excess weight I have been carrying around all this time so that I can show off these babies and accept them as my own.

I don't know how I am going to to this or when.

Now is not the time. I am still on antibiotics and although I have intense itching today I still have fluid build up and pain.

I am just looking forward to getting my life back on track and being able to do simple things.

Bodies

Our bodies are wonderful and amazing things and we honestly do not give them the credit they deserve.

My body is the house of my soul, my spirit. 

I have spent my entire life criticising my body......

"I am not thin enough"

"my tummy is too fat"

"My skin is too white"

"I don't like my freckles"

"My celulite is ugly"

"My hair is straight I want it curly"

"my hair is too short I want it long"

"my hair is too long I want it short"

"my teeth are not white enough or straight enough"

"my boobs are too big"

"my boobs are not as pretty as they were"

etc  etc etc etc etc blah blah blah

We are indocrinated from birth by the media that to be wanted, accepted, loved and to be successful we have to look a certain way all of the time!

Most of the images we are force fed are photo shopped and the model in question takes one footstep out of the shoot area and yep her hair has flopped and her high heels are off because they hurt.

Whats wrong with being curvey? That soft pillow of flesh which our children love to cuddle and feel comforted by. The curves which can keep us alive. Whats wrong with them? Why do we have to be perfect?

Flawless skin? Who on this earth has unblemished skin?

Aargh enough!!!!!

Just look at what my fantastic body has produced......

In my early 20's I harmed my body with an eating dishorder. I battled this disorder up until my early 40's but the damage I did through not eating has dictated my lifes path forever.

As soon as I started to eat again, I began to over exercise..... This caused my hormones to go totally hay wire and I ended up with polycystic ovary syndrome. This meant that weight was hard to shift and having children would proved difficult.

To cut throught the crap and cut to the chase I had my beautiful boys, my body gave them to me and made it possible to feed them, nourish them and wrap them in unconditional love.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 my body had already contained the cancer by calcifying it, making it hard and entombing it to prevent its spread.

How cool is that? Thank you body.

Over the years my body has endured 4 surgeries, 12 rounds of chemo, 18 rounds of targeted chemo (herceptin), 30 doses of radiotherapy..... I have had bone problems, lost my hair, my veins have corded and turned into wood, my hands are permanently swollen but my body has done its utmost to sort itself out.

So my body isn't perfect. I have more scars than I care to acknowledge. I am over weight, my skin is too fair, my teeth are not white enough, I still wish I had curly hair but you know what?


I don't care anymore.

I was born into this body, my soul was given this body to love and to cherish and to work with.

I can now see this that my body and my soul are seperate entities but essential for each others survival.

Today I see my body as perfect, kind, wonderful and amazing.

How do you see your body?