Time is all we have

 Looking at my blog I can see that I haven't been so good at posting! Life is so busy and the days turn into months and then years and before you know where you are a whole decade has passed.

2020 hasn't been a great year for anyone in the world, its been horrendous with Covid19 and trying to find a new normal.

Its been a nightmare for me on a personal level. Dealing with working at home, colleagues being furloughed has messed with my head. Add to that the sudden death of my beloved dog Wilbur after a short illness then six weeks later my darling Pickles and you won't be surprised that I have hit the booze more than I would like to admit.

There! I said it! I have confessed and how good does that feel.

So today I woke with another horrible hang over, I looked back at my weekend and realised that wine had stolen it from me.

No more.

Today is a fresh start towards a healthier me.

Modern Mindfulness

Sitting in my car with a cup of coffee, watching the cars and vans whoosh past on the highway above me.... People living their lives and going about their daily business.

We live in such stressful times where money is king and technology is its queen. Technology which allows us to connect and yet be unconnected in all but a few special cases.

So absorbed in the royalty so confined and defined by them we forget our true purpose in life and with that, the real meaning.

To help us feel connected we take part in mindfulness exercises, designed to help us relax in the minimum amount of time in order to maximise our useful purpose in the machine that is society.

How did our for bearers live without such a system?

They practiced mindfulness throughout their daily lives. No machine to wash clothes so they used boards and stones to scrub and scrub... No bread machines or ready sliced loaves to buy from the local tesco so they would pummel and knead and bake....

Although poor in pocket they were rich in spirit.

How I wish life could once again be that simple

Sunny Days and Autumn Breeze

As I lie here contemplating my day, I am blessed with bird song and sun together with a crisp autumn breeze.

Life is a treasure.

I haven't posted for a while. The black dog has had me firmly in his grip. Anxiety levels have been extreme, self doubt, self hate and feeling unworthy.

It's a hard and constant fight.

Going out of the door in the morning is a struggle although nobody would guess it because they are greeted with a smile and merry chatter but gosh.... the pretence is exhausting so socialising in the evening is something that I avoid these days.

Some friends will understand this and quietly accept the stormy sea I am travelling with a watchful eye ready to cast out a life boat if necessary and every now and again, showing me their light to remind me of their presence.

Other friends don't understand why my journey is so difficult or why I haven't called into their port yet. They see the mighty waves I am battling as mere sea.... but they haven't encountered the devilish waves sent to scupper me.

This is my journey though and I must concentrate on my course and keeping my battered ship intact.

I appreciate my beacons for they offer hope. The impatient ports can wait for I am not sure that I will ever dock there even when I find more settled seas.

Struggling

I have been struggling of late.

Thankfully I have been getting support from my GP and a counsellor at Nightingale House. I am trying to sort through my feelings and put them into some sort of order.

I think that when I had my surgery last year I was in rush mode.. I didn't have time to think things through I just followed the advice I was given and made decisions in some sort of shocked zombie mode.

Had I had the luxury of time I am not sure that I would have made the same decisions.

However that is in the past now and its the future I must look to.

Losing my mum was a huge blow. I honestly still can't believe she has gone and when the realisation hits me I feel physically sick to the core.

I am wearing my prosthetics less and less now. They are not me, they are not part of me and for goodness sake they don't even look like my old boobs did!

I am starting to err towards not having reconstructive surgery. I have had too many operations and radical treatments in a shortish space of time, I am not sure how much more either my body or my mind can take. 

Other people have worse scars than me and have to have them on show, they have no choice. People look at me and think I am just a woman with a small chest.

The thought of more major surgery and wasting more of my life on recovery just for aesthetic purposes doesn't float my boat at the moment. The scars are fading and I am getting used to them now. 

I just want to focus on getting fit and healthy again and to be perfectly honest with you the fact that I have no boobs is actually quite nice. I no longer have to strap myself into a sports bra in order to run or ride my horse. I can do exercises without the whoppers getting in the way which they did quite alot and my back is less painful now the weight has gone from my chest.

I am enjoying life most of the time. 

Last week I came down from an incredible high to a low.... The lowest point was last Thursday when the black thoughts crept back into my mind.

I kind of know when I am slipping because when I look in the mirror I see ugliness, an ugly face, I hate what I see. The mind is a weird thing isn't it.

One thing that I am coming to terms with, is the enormity of what I have been fighting. I have spent the last 7 years fighting for my life and in my head I have switched that notion off. Its as though I couldn't acknowledge just how serious a situation my health was in.

I am getting there slowly.... baby steps, always baby steps towards the greater goal.

Over the Hump and Way to Go!!!!!

I haven't been writing much recently.... not because I haven't got anything to write about but because life has kind of sabotaged my emotions and my head has not been in a good place.

However, this weekend at The Gathering in Llandudno, I was asked why had I stopped writing. 

Later on in the day I retreated into my shed, I dimmed the lights and then I consulted my cards... I asked for guidance on where I should be going with my life and the cards I drew were guiding me towards healing and counselling through the medium of writing.... interesting!

I have decided to try and make a habit of writing as often as I can because if it helps just one person with their battles in life then it has served its purpose.

I must admit, I didn't think anyone read my ramblings which is another reason for not writing as much.

I have been experiencing some dark times emotionally and felt that I couldn't perform reiki or angel therapy but I see now that I should not have blocked myself and turned myself off, healing others with such beautiful energies in turn heals yourself.

The title of this blog is a bit weird but I do feel as though I hit a hump and now I am over it and on a homeward stretch.

This weekend I had the privilege of watching the most amazing man in rock and roll perform over two nights. This man is battling cancer for the third time in his life.

Friends have commented about how Mike is dealing with this third cancer, maybe not doing so well with the chemo, maybe being more cautious..... I don't know, all I know is how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.

The first time you are diagnosed is like hitting a wall at 100mph. You ask "why me?" then when the shock has worn off you just throw yourself into positivity and treatment because you know that "cancer ain't gonna beat you" (my first blog).

The second time you are diagnosed is like being pushed into a hedge and you feel slightly dazzled, winded and you think "this isn't fair" but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you throw yourself into positivity and treatment but now you feel as though you have a monkey on your back.....

Things go well and you feel great with life then out of the blue you are given a third cancer diagnosis.

This for me was like being beaten to the ground and given a good kicking. This time I metaphorically lay on the ground, dazed and shattered.... now this cancer thing is very real.

I am lucky in that I have had surgery and treatment and can be considered in remission or cancer free..... but that third cancer diagnosis changes you deeply. You no longer feel invincible, theres that sword of Damocles hanging over your head......

This is not a morbid post..... I think that feeling this way is something that I have struggled with but now I realise that life is even more precious and each moment needs to count, each breath you take needs to be relished.

Nobody knows what life has in store for them, there is no plan... Each new day of your life is a blank page and the future isn't known, you just have to keep turning the pages with faith and positivity.



Photos bar 1 courtesy of Google Search

Keep on keeping on

I never thought that I would ever say this but I am starting to accept the new me. The weird sensations of repairing tissue is easing as is the pain.

Time is indeed a healer.

One thing that is taking longer to get over is the tiredness and the way I don't seem to bounce back from illness as before.

I am feeling anxious about life in general too and that's not very pleasant.

The things that help with everything I am going through is keeping a positive mind set. Never ever make an excuse why you can't. ... a reason is acceptable as is a compromise but never an excuse!

The cadets. I love being a civilian instructor. To mix with an amazing set of young adults and to be a part of helping them to shape their future.

My horse. Yes he is my Guardian Angel. We live parallel lives and we give to each other unconditionally and from the heart.

My family. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.  They give me direction and purpose.

My faith.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring be it good or bad. I don't even know why I am here or why I have been spared but I do know that 3 cancers in 6 years = pretty shitty but I am alive and my heart is still beating.

Never give up on life. Just keep on keeping on.

Promenading in Chester

Gorgeous sunny day today and Js first day off work so we decided to postpone our jobs and go for a wander by Chesters river.

Number 2 son was off out with his girlfriend and number 1 son decided to join us.

Ice cream by the river.... you just can't beat a Mr Whippy 😉

The park was full of families of all ages. Seeing the various stages of relationships taking what they needed from the ambience was quite nostalgic. The kids, the teens, young lovers, young parents, people like me and then grandparents.

It's funny how I have never considered these stages until today.

My advice to anyone reading this is to recognise each stage and love it for what it is.

Grrrrr

I have put what has happened to me into a box and sealed the lid.

I can't think about what has happened to me this year because it feels as though I have been living as part of a horror movie.

I might be on the road to some sort of recovery physically but emotionally I haven't even started to heal.

The problem with the box that I have put into storage is that I actually forget what I have been through and as a result of that I expect far too much of myself.

I was offered my "dream" job working with horses as a carriage groom at Erddig, a place which has been dear to me all of my life.

It was only when my hubby pointed out the fact that it was too much too soon did I realise the time scale and I acknowledged what my poor body had suffered. It wouldn't be fair on me or my prospective employers.

So I have the range of emotions to deal with. ... anger, injustice, sadness and a feeling of overwhelming despondency. Will I EVER be ME again?

The strong warrior that I am I have taken stock and regrouped. Getting the job was a huge boost to my self esteem which has plummeted and it's given me the push to develop my career further and in other ways.

I received a copy of the letter that my surgeon wrote to my GP and was stunned to find out that my third breast cancer was in fact a relapse of my second but had returned more aggressively.

I am very lucky to have the NHS and the care I have received (apart from my recent surgeries due to cost cutting) has been amazing.

I owe the NHS my life. I am still alive to care for my boys who still need me and somehow I have a purpose in this funny old world to fulfil.

Here I Am

I haven't written a post for ages.

I had an idea and wrote a draft but that's where it's staying! I have plans based on that original idea but time will tell and I believe that things happen when they are meant to.

Recently I was shocked to hear of the death of a friend from the village. He was 49 and a father to three daughters who have been in school with my sons. His wife is part of everything in the village and a person who always gives you time. He was always happy, smiling and joking. A sudden passing which has been a shock.

This has hit me because having had three cancers I am still here. 

It has inspired me to continue to take life as it comes, not worry about tomorrow and give thanks for all of the blessings that come my way of which there are many.

Namaste.

Mixed Emotions

I am a week and a half post pain and infection so healing is happening within my body and I am starting to make myself strong again with exercise and clean eating.

My chronic back pain has re-started because I am walking more. I will have to have further visits to my chiropractor but all in good time..... baby steps, baby steps.

I was awake at 5am, unable to sleep so I listened to the Dawn Chorus. 

"Oh there's a dawn chorus breaking out all over the town"......

Oh my, it's the most beautiful music one can ever listen too. 

Sadly, 6 years ago, the chorus was stunning beyond comprehension but alas with the destruction of woodland and the building of houses in Lavister has pushed the birds away and it's no longer as loud or eclectic as it once was. 

However...... I am blessed! I still have my hearing to hear them and I still have breath in my body to be here to experience it. 

The pain in my lower back was gnawing at me, like a persistent ache so I didn't feel like picking up my kindle to read or indeed, getting up to welcome the day. So, as is usual in these sort of circumstances, my mind wandered .....

I don't want pity.

I don't want sympathy.

I am telling you this in order to cleanse my soul and my mind.

 Writing this blog has always been my therapy. Getting my thoughts and experiences "out there". Who knows, my writing MAY help somebody else ... I hope so.

I managed to categorise how I feel post mastectomy and failed reconstruction. I don't feel ugly, I don't feel sad or unlucky or angry........

I feel different from everyone else.

I feel like a reject.

I feel as though I am no longer attractive or desirable.

Yes, yes I know! I know!

Goodness, I am no longer a young girl. My body has given me two beautiful sons and battled cancer three times - I have lost the bloom of youth but at least with my breasts I felt pretty and now I don't.

I am crying while writing this..... See!! I told you it was cleansing to write and get my thoughts out there. Tears are the bodies way of washing away the dirt and healing the soul.

This will pass.

Life is good! I am alive and I am surrounded by good friends who have supported me and given me the strength to continue my fight.

Every time I stumble, a friend holds out a hand and helps me up.

At the moment, I am holding my friends hands in my mind. My friends don't realise this but their thoughts, gestures and messages are the hands which support my own.

Life is good.

I've Lost Count!!

So much has happened since 17th February that I have lost count on how many weeks have passed since my operation.

A week last Friday I had the stitches removed which had become embedded in my skin. Indeed, two stitches had tangled up with each other and were trapping a nerve hence my pain. Three syringes of fluid was also removed.

This could have been done on the Tuesday had my surgeon been available but instead I had to wait a further 3 days before my suffering ended.

However, the relief was almost instant and from the Sunday I gathered up my courage and started to go back to my horse care routine with continued help from my wonderful friends. I honestly don't know how I would have coped so if you are reading this...... Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So here I am now..... my back pain has returned with a vengence but at least it's not a threat to my life and I know what I need to do to sort it out.

Spending this week with my boy has been the best medicine I ever could have wished for. Just being with him, smelling him, watching him, loving him has filled my heart with so much joy I could burst. (Don't worry, I won't burst because that would be rather messy).

At last, this part of my life is over and I am looking forward to the summer and making the most of life, after all.... you only get one!!

Its Good To Be Alive Today

Its good to be alive today isn't it, yep life is a struggle and the news is full of gloom and despair but if you are reading this then you are alive and that in itself is something to celebrate.

Blessed be my friend x

Life is Good

I really feel at peace with life right now.

I am in a good place for once in my life.

The fog is starting to lift from my mind, my thought processes are becoming clearer, I am beginning to get myself back after the last 4 1/2 years of hell.

Things have changed so much during that time, life doesn't stand still just because you are fighting for your life.

Cost of living has gone up (allot) and my husbands wages have gone down (allot), with me not working since 2009 - we are under pressure economically. I never ever thought that we would be in this situation at this stage of our life together but having said that I never ever thought that I would get cancer TWICE.

Over the last week or so we have made some big decisions. We are going to down scale what we have so that we can consolidate our finances whilst supporting our youngest son through a difficult transition to a new school (I will cover that one in a post of its own). With him being on the Autistic spectrum its important to channel my energies into him.

During this time I am going to do more courses and studying so that when the time is right I can launch a brand new business. 

The thoughts are in my head at the moment, still in that brain storming phase before I put pen to paper and a plan of how I am going to achieve these goals.

Big changes in our lives but exciting times really. 

Things to look forward to.

At the end of the day I have a most beautiful soul mate in my pony Cola, I have my dogs, a fabulous husband and two (stressful) but gorgeous sons, an amazing support network of brilliant friends and most of all I have my life and my health. 

Life is good.

Talk! Speak! Communicate!

I thought that the quote in this picture was so right until I read it a few more times and thought about it. 

Now I am going to contradict this picture..... 

OK sometimes it is good to keep quiet about things because you know that others just don't "get" you BUT isn't it right to try to help people understand? (note here I used the world help rather than make).

Keeping silent about things because you think others won't understand is the wrong approach I feel.

I know there are people out there reading my blog who haven't had cancer or breast cancer so how can they understand what my journey has been like?

Indeed.... how can I understand the journey of a fellow breast cancer patient? I am not her and she is not me.

I think that God gave us a voice, he gave us communication and therefore its wrong to not use these gifts.

Today I received a lovely message telling me how my openness about my breast cancer journey has helped take away the fear of it in her life. Had I remained silent because people didn't understand I would not have helped that person.

My sons are on the autistic spectrum.

Decades ago, these children would have been sectioned and put into a special "hospital", their "condition" would not have been talked about, kept quiet, silent. Some children would be written off as naughty and a bad lot!!!!

Talking about Autism leads to greater awareness, tolerance, acceptance.......

Years ago we lived in communities and we saw all of the different things that could BE a person. There was no medical intervention, no TV or magazines to tell us how we should look, there were no dentists and you were lucky if you got to the age of 40.......

In these communities we would see disabled people, blind, deaf, diseased, those with no teeth, we would see birth and we would see death.

In this perfect century in which we live we are sheltered from such things and as a result we have no empathy or tolerance.

So my message in this post is................

Big Pants

I lasted 2 weeks to the date of my Oophorectomy operation to face up to the fact that with this operation I NEEDED big pants!!!

Yes I purchased a Sainsburys pack of 5 BIG PANTS and I wished I had dont it sooner. Not only does the cotton of the BIG PANTS protect my scars, they are so comfortable.

Oh but don't be misled by my statement there.... I will not be using my BIG PANTS beyond when the scars heal thank you very much because no amount of lace or patterning can make them attractive or me to feel that way when wearing them.

My advice to any lady going in for that sort of operation - invest in a collection of BIG PANTS to see you through your healing process.

Respect

Moving on from my surgery and cancer for this post, I am going to talk about something which has been on my mind for a while now. Its a simple but not so simple thing called.....

RESPECT

Respect comes in many shapes and forms. It is so subtle it becomes like living and breathing... or.... so it should.

Life has changed vastly in the last 20 years and one of the major changes is the change in respect.

Respect for yourself

Respect for others

Respect for authority

The list could go on.

I am not considered THAT old but I do remember as a "young lady" having doors held open for me.

I also remember gentleman "tipping" their hat to me, or if they didn't have a hat they would tug their forelock (and if they didn't have any hair they would pretend to).

Sadly, an example of the fact that this doesn't happen any more is my inability to find "modern" pictures on google for this act.

I must say, the last time a gentleman tipped his had to me was about 10 years ago and this person must have been in his late 90's in age but it made me feel so special and feminine.

My husband is a stickler for gentlemanly behaviour and he always ensures that he is walking on the outside of the pavement, that he pulls my chair for me when we sit down to eat, he allows me to sit first, holds the door open for me and generally makes me feel loved and cherished.

Respect as I started off with though comes in many forms and features throughout our lives.

Respect of others is something I feel very strongly about even though it might not be reciprocated. I was always brought up to imagine myself in the other persons shoes, and how I would feel.... I was also brought up to think "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and these days I always go by the quote "judge not lest ye be judged".

It shocks and upsets me deeply when others, especially those who I once called friends do not have my way of thinking.

Respect of others comes in many guises: giving up your seat for an older person, making way for people coming in your direction, simple terms such as "excuse me" or "thank you". 

These days I am fed up of being confronted by people who barge along the street as though you are not there.

Respect for yourself.

Letting your standards fall.

Respect for your body.

Rules have changed and attitudes have changed so that "freedom" is the key without regard to humanity, disease the affect on others.

Today the attitude seems to be "I want, I am entitled to, I can"

I love this picture because it says everything that I want to say without words, it says just what I see is happening and I am helpless to stop it.

I can see that attitudes have changed vastly since I was young. Youngsters are no longer interested in the things that drove me.... equality, fairness, poverty, jobs!!!!

These days people seem to thing (and this is a general ism) that that world owes them!!

The world owes nobody anything. We come into the world with nothing, we go out with nothing, what we do in between is up to us with a little bit of luck.

You have your hands.

And in the worlds of "Mike Peters" of "The Alarm" and the song "Spirit of 76".... I was from those times.......

"I'll carve a future with my two bare hands......"

Thank you for reading - I will now get off my soap box!

Pictures courtesy of google search