Struggling

 I am struggling to live at the moment.

2015 was the year I stopped living. 

Cancer has beaten me in the end

I have lost everything and everyone I care about

I never in a million years thought I would be living my life without my shadow, Wilbur. I had mentally prepared myself for Pickles as she was approaching but not him. He was my soulmate, my love, my life. He loved me so much and guarded me, always with me. I miss him beyond words.

My children grew up in the decade I was ill fighting cancer and now they are adults and have left or are about to leave. I feel as though my soul has been crushed.

So many losses in my life. So many things that I have had to grieve for.

I live in constant pain and it makes me tired. I get drunk so that I can escape this world just for the night. 

I hate life.

There is nothing I look forward to doing anymore. I dont want to do anything or see anyone.

I cant read books anymore or listen to music. I go out to places but the no longer bring me joy or happiness.

I feel as though I have no future left.

I hit crisis today because work are talking about return to office and I dont want to go back to what it was. I dont want to sit on reception as a sitting target for infection I dont want to be around people anymore.

I am struggling.

Well What A Year!

 2020 started off fantastically with me finally having my last breast surgery to make nipples then the Gathering at Llandudno only to be struck by the Covid pandemic.

Along with many others all over the world I had to learn a new way of working and living. I converted my grooming shed into an office and that has been my base for more than a year.

Shortly after going into lockdown my colleagues were furloughed. This included my manager leaving myself and the facilities manager to represent our department. That really was a stressful time for me, not only with the fear of the virus, learning a new way to work, making up new systems and learning parts of my colleagues job.

Credit to Pintrest

I was completely broken by the time their furlough was over. My mind was beyond tired and my nerves were frazzled. I had three weeks annual leave, the first was spent recovering and the last two were with my husband home based.

After Christmas which was completely ruined by the pandemic I at last have been able to adapt to this new way of working. Mainly because everyone is back at work and things are starting to pick up.

During 2020 I suffered two very great losses. My beloved companion and shadow Wilbur suffered a short and sudden illness and died leaving me lonely and bereft. Six weeks later, Pickles died in my arms.

Lots of big adjustments and changes so its no wonder I am suffering from anxiety and struggling to do even the simplest things.

I feel that I have turned a corner though and while I have quite a way to go I am on the right road to recovery. I started back with Weight Watchers three weeks ago and my mind set seems to be in the right place and I am even managing to exercise more. Only walking at the moment but Rome wasnt built in a day and in the future I aim to be running, road marching and weight training again.

I hope to get back into blogging too so lets hope that this is the first of many to come.