Returning to the Story

 So much has happened since my last post. I have even tried to start a new blog when Cola died. I will probably amalgamate that into this one.

Blogging is such good therapy, I first started in 2009 when diagnosed with my first breast cancer then continued with this blog afterwards.

I had forgotten just what good it does the soul to blog!

Prepare for what's coming!

Struggling

 I am struggling to live at the moment.

2015 was the year I stopped living. 

Cancer has beaten me in the end

I have lost everything and everyone I care about

I never in a million years thought I would be living my life without my shadow, Wilbur. I had mentally prepared myself for Pickles as she was approaching but not him. He was my soulmate, my love, my life. He loved me so much and guarded me, always with me. I miss him beyond words.

My children grew up in the decade I was ill fighting cancer and now they are adults and have left or are about to leave. I feel as though my soul has been crushed.

So many losses in my life. So many things that I have had to grieve for.

I live in constant pain and it makes me tired. I get drunk so that I can escape this world just for the night. 

I hate life.

There is nothing I look forward to doing anymore. I dont want to do anything or see anyone.

I cant read books anymore or listen to music. I go out to places but the no longer bring me joy or happiness.

I feel as though I have no future left.

I hit crisis today because work are talking about return to office and I dont want to go back to what it was. I dont want to sit on reception as a sitting target for infection I dont want to be around people anymore.

I am struggling.

Well What A Year!

 2020 started off fantastically with me finally having my last breast surgery to make nipples then the Gathering at Llandudno only to be struck by the Covid pandemic.

Along with many others all over the world I had to learn a new way of working and living. I converted my grooming shed into an office and that has been my base for more than a year.

Shortly after going into lockdown my colleagues were furloughed. This included my manager leaving myself and the facilities manager to represent our department. That really was a stressful time for me, not only with the fear of the virus, learning a new way to work, making up new systems and learning parts of my colleagues job.

Credit to Pintrest

I was completely broken by the time their furlough was over. My mind was beyond tired and my nerves were frazzled. I had three weeks annual leave, the first was spent recovering and the last two were with my husband home based.

After Christmas which was completely ruined by the pandemic I at last have been able to adapt to this new way of working. Mainly because everyone is back at work and things are starting to pick up.

During 2020 I suffered two very great losses. My beloved companion and shadow Wilbur suffered a short and sudden illness and died leaving me lonely and bereft. Six weeks later, Pickles died in my arms.

Lots of big adjustments and changes so its no wonder I am suffering from anxiety and struggling to do even the simplest things.

I feel that I have turned a corner though and while I have quite a way to go I am on the right road to recovery. I started back with Weight Watchers three weeks ago and my mind set seems to be in the right place and I am even managing to exercise more. Only walking at the moment but Rome wasnt built in a day and in the future I aim to be running, road marching and weight training again.

I hope to get back into blogging too so lets hope that this is the first of many to come.

Time is all we have

 Looking at my blog I can see that I haven't been so good at posting! Life is so busy and the days turn into months and then years and before you know where you are a whole decade has passed.

2020 hasn't been a great year for anyone in the world, its been horrendous with Covid19 and trying to find a new normal.

Its been a nightmare for me on a personal level. Dealing with working at home, colleagues being furloughed has messed with my head. Add to that the sudden death of my beloved dog Wilbur after a short illness then six weeks later my darling Pickles and you won't be surprised that I have hit the booze more than I would like to admit.

There! I said it! I have confessed and how good does that feel.

So today I woke with another horrible hang over, I looked back at my weekend and realised that wine had stolen it from me.

No more.

Today is a fresh start towards a healthier me.

Virtual Meetings

This morning I had two "virtual" meetings. The first was a section catch up which was over quite quickly and the second was my team meeting which we have twice a week. 

These are done on an online platform which works really well. I think this is the way forward for meeting, much better than the old telephone skype messenger systems back in my "buyer" days which is when I remember the technology starting to advance.

I look forward to our twice weekly meetings even though the one at the start of the week has begun to get a bit grim with serious faces (must be that Monday feeling). By Thursday/Friday with the weekend approaching things are more like they are in real life. We usually have a quiz but I think that has fallen by the way side which is a shame because while I am tied to my laptop in my shed its something I enjoy putting together and look forward to some light relief from my seclusion. Maybe next week or maybe just I myself will do the quiz.

Today has been busy with hotel cancellations, home workers requesting stationery, reviewing stationery admin..... I like it when its busy.

The weather has broken here in the UK. Thankfully the humidity of the past few days has gone but rain has fallen continuously through the morning.

Last night at 9pm I made the decision to clip my Mini Schnauzer Wilbur. He is over 12 years old and had recently had surgery for a tumour on his gum. A heart murmur was discovered and since the start of the year his behaviour has changed..... much more clingy to me, heavy breathing etc. Last night he was panting. Hadn't wanted to clip him previously because of his sore gums but last night I couldn't watch him suffer. Anyhow, today he is covered up with a fleece blanket and my heater is on. This country's weather system is crazy.

A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

Lockdown Wales

I don't know why I haven't resurrected my blog sooner. Coronavirus has caused us to lockdown and blogging about it is a bit of therapy and boy do I need therapy right now.

I was starting to come out of my darkness when this pandemic struck and we were put into lockdown. 

At first it was quite novel working from home but 3 months in and I feel as though someone is drawing their nails down a chalk board.

I feel trapped, like a caged tiger and I need this lockdown to end.send