Welcome to the New Year

I hadn't realised that it was so long since my last blog post. Being without a computer doesn't help and while I enjoyed blogging on my smart phone, the fact that the software kept failing made it slightly annoying.

Its only February and already so much has happened in this year, far too much to talk about in one post and really, I don't know where to start!

So far, we have been blessed with a mild and dry winter which has been a blessing. Its meant that Cola has had winter turn out and that has made life a lot easier for me.

Storm Doris yesterday kept Cola was in for the day but he didn't seem to mind that as long as he had a continual supply of meadow hay.

As we approach spring I am filled with new hope for the future even though looking ahead fills me with fear these days. I have been signed off by the oncologist and for the first time in 8 years I really do feel that cancer is done with me. I only have to see the surgeons one more time at the end of the year and I will be written off as cured. I still don't understand why because my last cancer was 2 years ago but because that is considered a recurrence it isn't counted. In my book cancer is cancer but I am so fed up of hospitals and treatment and based on my own instincts and the fact I have no breasts left I am happy to wave bye bye to this part of my life.

I am considering NOT having reconstruction but accepting my life flat. I have joined a group called flat friends and they are giving me the confidence to be as I am now and not pretend to be as I was.

The reconstruction operation I would need would take up to 12 hours to perform and the outcome would be an A cup or at best a B..... Having been an FF I really don't see why I should put my body through such surgery and waste more of my life in recovery just for a tiny minuscule pair of boobs. Instead I am focusing on losing a stone in weight, toning my body up and that way I won't look too bad living flat.

I will try to blog a little more frequently from now on, its quite therapeutic writing my thoughts down and sharing them, my hope is that I can help someone along the way.

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If You Can Dream It.....

...... you can do it.

I wear a silver thumb ring with that inscription.

Today I was encouraged to look at myself... to think aboutmy biggest fears and to challenge them.

My biggest fear is failure.

Failure to be a good mum, daughter, wife, person...... everything really and the trouble with this is that I get to set the standards which are unbelievable high.

I then looked at my thumb ring and considered the inscription and realised that my fear was holding all of my dreams back.

I then thought of how I encourage youngsters to reach for their dreams because they can do it and realised that I was giving advice that I can't follow because of my fear.

So I am going to focus on overcoming my fear and start to reach for the stars with both hands.

So what is your fear? Are you going to challenge it too?

Meet My Guardian Angel

This is Cola, he's my Fell pony and my best friend.

Cola is 25 years old. Last year he was diagnosed with Cushings disease. Since then, he has been taking prascend and last week he had blood tests done which shows that the disease is under control.

To be honest with you, he doesn't look like a typical Cushings horse because he has a shiny coat which is normal in thickness and not at all curly.

He has a bad back, or hips to be precise but I am so lucky to have a friend who is a Mctimoney practitioner. When doing her training, she used Cola as a guineapig especially as he had a complicated and very old injury. Since then she has been treating him on a regular basis.

C of Equine Outline is amazing. Cola has gone from hiding in the corner of his stable when he sees her to loving it. Today was no exception although only a minor twinge was there in his hips.

His physio Jess Jones is also a friend and stable mate, she works her magic on him and has made great progress. Using physio and McTimoney together has definitely worked for my old boy.

Me

All of my life I have struggled with personal image. Too ugly, ears like a monkey, stick legs, fat legs.... you name it and I have thought it about myself.

Then this disease started battling with me and it robbed me of the few things that I actually liked about myself like my long slim fingers, my hair, my boobs.

Recently I had a minor op and I have had to use a special cream. One day as I was using the cream it just struck me that in actual fact... my body wasn't me.

I know this sounds daft and crazy but my body really isn't me. It's a house for my soul and it allows me to live on this mortal plain.

I am the caretaker of this house which works very hard to serve my soul and the least I can do is love, admire and respect it.

My poor body has been hated and disliked for so many years and yet it's fought incredibly hard to keep functioning for my sake.

I must have business to deal with on earth before my soul is set free.

Modern Mindfulness

Sitting in my car with a cup of coffee, watching the cars and vans whoosh past on the highway above me.... People living their lives and going about their daily business.

We live in such stressful times where money is king and technology is its queen. Technology which allows us to connect and yet be unconnected in all but a few special cases.

So absorbed in the royalty so confined and defined by them we forget our true purpose in life and with that, the real meaning.

To help us feel connected we take part in mindfulness exercises, designed to help us relax in the minimum amount of time in order to maximise our useful purpose in the machine that is society.

How did our for bearers live without such a system?

They practiced mindfulness throughout their daily lives. No machine to wash clothes so they used boards and stones to scrub and scrub... No bread machines or ready sliced loaves to buy from the local tesco so they would pummel and knead and bake....

Although poor in pocket they were rich in spirit.

How I wish life could once again be that simple

Sunny Days and Autumn Breeze

As I lie here contemplating my day, I am blessed with bird song and sun together with a crisp autumn breeze.

Life is a treasure.

I haven't posted for a while. The black dog has had me firmly in his grip. Anxiety levels have been extreme, self doubt, self hate and feeling unworthy.

It's a hard and constant fight.

Going out of the door in the morning is a struggle although nobody would guess it because they are greeted with a smile and merry chatter but gosh.... the pretence is exhausting so socialising in the evening is something that I avoid these days.

Some friends will understand this and quietly accept the stormy sea I am travelling with a watchful eye ready to cast out a life boat if necessary and every now and again, showing me their light to remind me of their presence.

Other friends don't understand why my journey is so difficult or why I haven't called into their port yet. They see the mighty waves I am battling as mere sea.... but they haven't encountered the devilish waves sent to scupper me.

This is my journey though and I must concentrate on my course and keeping my battered ship intact.

I appreciate my beacons for they offer hope. The impatient ports can wait for I am not sure that I will ever dock there even when I find more settled seas.

Bleedin Ears

A simple little tidy up for my number 3 dog Snowy.

All was going really well and she was enjoying the experience. Normally I have to hand scissor her head but today she let me clip it.

Ear one done....ear two... disaster, something moved, she darted her head around then there was blood..... lots of blood.

Quickly reached for the polyroll and applied pressure. Too much blood. Quickly got my first aid kit out, applied styptic powder then a bandage.

After an hour it was starting to heal but the little monkey got the bandage off and hey presto... lots of blood.

Trip to the vet. Saw an amazing vet who was lovely and praised my actions and my dressings.

Snowy is now sporting a camo bandage with a cone of shame.

He wants to stitch it but its a tiny nick, smaller than a grain of rice so I think it will be ok to heal on its own.

Poor Snowy.

I feel so awful about it but these things happen.