Fab at Fifty??? I am an Old Crone

Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that I was looking forward to being "Fab at Forty".... I must say that my forties have been completely and utterly horrid. That said, I don't want to hit fifty in December but I its a fact that its going to happen (thank goodness because that means I am still alive) so I might as well do it and be fab!

At this point in my life I feel as though I have got to where I am meant to be. I still don't have all of the answers and I still take each step as it comes but now I can do so with new found confidence and wisdom.

There are three phases to a woman.... The girl or "maiden", the mother and the crone. I have been catapaulted into the crone phase with my cancer treatmens and it sounds horrid doesn't it?

"you crone"

"you old crone"

What do you envisage when you hear or say the word crone?

Is it......

Or.....

Well you are wrong..... A crone is this......

A crone is this......

Life has been a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and even more downs but the ride has made me stronger and wiser.

Hell I am not perfect and I never will be because I am a human being but at least now I can see how wrong I was to compare myself to others, to try to be like other people, to do what other people do, to hide my true self because of fear of rejection.....l

Yeah...... I am a crone. At first the thought scared the hell out of me, now I am happy with it. I am older and wiser but will anyone listen to me.

Ah well, at the end of this year I am going to be flippin fab at 50.... I have said goodbye to cancer and now I am going to get back to where I was before it rudely interrupted.

Struggling

I have been struggling of late.

Thankfully I have been getting support from my GP and a counsellor at Nightingale House. I am trying to sort through my feelings and put them into some sort of order.

I think that when I had my surgery last year I was in rush mode.. I didn't have time to think things through I just followed the advice I was given and made decisions in some sort of shocked zombie mode.

Had I had the luxury of time I am not sure that I would have made the same decisions.

However that is in the past now and its the future I must look to.

Losing my mum was a huge blow. I honestly still can't believe she has gone and when the realisation hits me I feel physically sick to the core.

I am wearing my prosthetics less and less now. They are not me, they are not part of me and for goodness sake they don't even look like my old boobs did!

I am starting to err towards not having reconstructive surgery. I have had too many operations and radical treatments in a shortish space of time, I am not sure how much more either my body or my mind can take. 

Other people have worse scars than me and have to have them on show, they have no choice. People look at me and think I am just a woman with a small chest.

The thought of more major surgery and wasting more of my life on recovery just for aesthetic purposes doesn't float my boat at the moment. The scars are fading and I am getting used to them now. 

I just want to focus on getting fit and healthy again and to be perfectly honest with you the fact that I have no boobs is actually quite nice. I no longer have to strap myself into a sports bra in order to run or ride my horse. I can do exercises without the whoppers getting in the way which they did quite alot and my back is less painful now the weight has gone from my chest.

I am enjoying life most of the time. 

Last week I came down from an incredible high to a low.... The lowest point was last Thursday when the black thoughts crept back into my mind.

I kind of know when I am slipping because when I look in the mirror I see ugliness, an ugly face, I hate what I see. The mind is a weird thing isn't it.

One thing that I am coming to terms with, is the enormity of what I have been fighting. I have spent the last 7 years fighting for my life and in my head I have switched that notion off. Its as though I couldn't acknowledge just how serious a situation my health was in.

I am getting there slowly.... baby steps, always baby steps towards the greater goal.

Over the Hump and Way to Go!!!!!

I haven't been writing much recently.... not because I haven't got anything to write about but because life has kind of sabotaged my emotions and my head has not been in a good place.

However, this weekend at The Gathering in Llandudno, I was asked why had I stopped writing. 

Later on in the day I retreated into my shed, I dimmed the lights and then I consulted my cards... I asked for guidance on where I should be going with my life and the cards I drew were guiding me towards healing and counselling through the medium of writing.... interesting!

I have decided to try and make a habit of writing as often as I can because if it helps just one person with their battles in life then it has served its purpose.

I must admit, I didn't think anyone read my ramblings which is another reason for not writing as much.

I have been experiencing some dark times emotionally and felt that I couldn't perform reiki or angel therapy but I see now that I should not have blocked myself and turned myself off, healing others with such beautiful energies in turn heals yourself.

The title of this blog is a bit weird but I do feel as though I hit a hump and now I am over it and on a homeward stretch.

This weekend I had the privilege of watching the most amazing man in rock and roll perform over two nights. This man is battling cancer for the third time in his life.

Friends have commented about how Mike is dealing with this third cancer, maybe not doing so well with the chemo, maybe being more cautious..... I don't know, all I know is how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.

The first time you are diagnosed is like hitting a wall at 100mph. You ask "why me?" then when the shock has worn off you just throw yourself into positivity and treatment because you know that "cancer ain't gonna beat you" (my first blog).

The second time you are diagnosed is like being pushed into a hedge and you feel slightly dazzled, winded and you think "this isn't fair" but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you throw yourself into positivity and treatment but now you feel as though you have a monkey on your back.....

Things go well and you feel great with life then out of the blue you are given a third cancer diagnosis.

This for me was like being beaten to the ground and given a good kicking. This time I metaphorically lay on the ground, dazed and shattered.... now this cancer thing is very real.

I am lucky in that I have had surgery and treatment and can be considered in remission or cancer free..... but that third cancer diagnosis changes you deeply. You no longer feel invincible, theres that sword of Damocles hanging over your head......

This is not a morbid post..... I think that feeling this way is something that I have struggled with but now I realise that life is even more precious and each moment needs to count, each breath you take needs to be relished.

Nobody knows what life has in store for them, there is no plan... Each new day of your life is a blank page and the future isn't known, you just have to keep turning the pages with faith and positivity.



Photos bar 1 courtesy of Google Search

100 Days of Happy - Day 6

Celebrating Christmas with a dear friend but embaressing myself ... hic!

100 Days of Happy - Day 5

Its been a funny old Christmas really with the boys growing up and my family in decline.

I found some old photos on my computer and they really filled me with happiness at the memories of years, people and animals gone past.

A very relaxing day surrounded by my pets feeling so full of food I could burst!

Thinking of Christmas past.....

The dolls house my mum made for me out of cardboard boxes. The detail she added was phenomenal along with the furniture she made for me.

Creeping downstairs with my older brother in front and my younger one behind, trying not to wake our parents, overcoming obsticles my mum had put in the way supposedly to stop our dog Patch from getting Santa but really they were to try and keep us in bed.

Such happy memories.

100 Days of HAPPY Days 3 and 4

I didn't get an opportunity to write up my blog yesterday so I am combining days 3 and 4 of happy.

Day 3 of Happy (Yesterday)

Christmas Eve

I was relieved to have completed all that I could for the Christmas festivities. I thoroughly enjoyed giving out gifts especially the ones I had made. I receive great pleasure in giving. I felt a bit sad though because losing mum and my not feeling well this year meant that I didn't make what I wanted too.

Wrapping gifts for my boys made me happy. Don't get me wrong.... I really don't enjoy wrapping but doing it for them makes me happy. I enjoy putting quirky messages on J's gifts and then arranging them just so.....

I took a great deal of pleasure in writing up my review for a blaster which I received via Amazon vine. I asked a special little boy to use the blaster on the condition that he produced a critique. This boy is 9 years old and the most sociable, chatty, engaging boy you could ever wish to meet. I honestly didn't expect a huge amount of detail.... but just look at this wonderful picture and write up.....

Day 4 of Happy (Today)

Christmas Day

So many things to make me happy today, just where do I begin?

The wonderful gifts given to me in love which have brought me alot of joy because of the thought, care and love behind them. 

Spending a couple of quiet hours with my J and watching him open his gifts.

Spending Christmas morning with cheeky Cola, even getting wet in the rain didn't dampen my spirits.

Watching my rabbit Bolt run around the garden for hours.... jumping, binking and generally loving life. During this time he was accompanied by some garden birds, a very busy male blackbird who kept jumping at my honeysuckle in order to retrieve berries then hopping over to the lawn to pick up worms. Some other birds flitted here and there. What amazed me was the fact that none of the birds were afraid of Bolt who continued to hop around the garden. I also didn't think that he had noticed the birds but he must have because he purposely went to investigate the honeysuckle where the blackbird had been feasting.

Cuddling with my dogs Pickles, Wilbur and Snowy..... Giving them their own Christmas dinner once we had finished ours then coming into the room to find them sleepy and content.

I am sure there is alot more happy to experience today but so far its been lovely.

Merry Christmas to you all. Bless you with healthy, love and joy now and always.

100 Days of Happy - Day 2

Routine visit to the Shooting Star unit today to see my oncologist. All went well, examinations ok. Being sent for routine bloods and refered to a therapist just to check if I am still sane!! Its always good to get these checks done and dusted so that I can enjoy the next year!

The oncologist was such a gentleman, makes such a huge difference when you are treated with kindness and respect.

Anyone who knows Wrexham Hospital knows how difficult it is to park, as I arrived I prayed to the Angels for a space and I got one straight away and in a great location. Thank you Angels.

While on my way into the hospital I saw an old friend from way back when. Put a spring in my step and a smile of my face. 

I enjoyed a nice cuppa tea in the cafe as I watched people go about their business... I do enjoy people watching.

Put a chilli shepherds pie to cook for tea and Jason went out for some tiger bread and cellophane wrapping paper so that I can finish off the rest of my home made packaging.

Cola was in fine fettle and was quite happy to come into his warm stable today.

A really nice and happy day with lots of things to celebrate.