Overwhelmed

This picture is like my life... the footpath is marked out with twists and bends pot holes and stones, I don't know where its going and I can't see beyond the fog.

After the oncologists appointment yesterday I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. My dear friend Sherry is right, I am grieving so much right now.

I got my three year clear on my old cancer and I was so looking forward to getting to five years and being able to celebrate being clear of cancer and not in remission. Then this new cancer decides to invade and I am faced with a whole range of scans, monthly injections into my stomach, radiotherapy and the planning that goes with it and a new drug which has side effects. I have another five years to get through.

I feel as though I was serving a prison sentence and now my time has been extended....

I feel fat and ugly my fingers are swollen and I no longer recognise myself as the person I once was.

I had 12 lots of chemo and 18 lots of herceptin, over 40 canulas wrecking my veins making my hands seize up I honestly dont know if I can take five years worth of stomach injections and the way I feel right now I am close to giving up.

But.... today is Thursday and in a couple of hours time a new day will be dawning and I will be picking myself up, dusting myself down and carrying on as normal.

I don't know if I will ever be me again, I guess I have to accept the me I am now and learn to live with it.

Oncologist Report

It will be five weeks tomorrow since my operation so today I had my appointment to see my Oncologist Dr Soe.

He checked my scars to see how they were healing and decide whether or not I am able to go forward for radiotherapy yet. Last time I had chemo before radiotherapy so my surgery scars were really well healed by then.

So, I will be going forward for radiotherapy in a few weeks time. I will have a planning meeting whereby they do all their measurements etc and tatoo me then I start 3 weeks of 15 lots of radiotherapy.

In addition to this I am to have another MRI scan on my back because the last one was inconclusive so he wants to monitor the line just in case. I am also going to have some other scans as well as a bone density check.

The tumour was a stage 1 cancer which is good news! My last cancer was grade 3 - not good! It is not HER2 positive but it is oestrogen sensitive. Dr Soe said that my situation is rare and is keen to follow up the genetic link. In addition to this he explained in detail how tamoxifen works.

Ovaries produce 80% of the oestrogen in your body and 20% is produced by muscle and fat. The tamoxifen stops your body producing oestrogen leaving your ovaries fully functioning. What they are going to do now is shut my ovaries down chemically and change my drug so that I will be better protected. This means a monthly injection into my tummy and all of the joys of a forced menopause.

So that is the state of play for now.

Why Me?

Thats the question I found myself asking last night and for the first time since this second cancer diagnosis I cried.

I think that the whole thing has happened so quickly, I have taken it all in my stride and pushed myself hard. Its only just sunk in that I am recovering from a big operation and it will take weeks to get myself back to normal.

I have a little infection going on in one of the wounds and my arm aches like crazy. The painkillers take the edge off the pain but its still extremely draining.

I am just a bit hacked off as to why I had to get cancer twice. Once is bad enough but twice? I am fed up of scans, tests, drugs and being carved up, the pain is hard to cope with at the moment.

I go to see the surgeon on Thursday and then I will find out the results of all my tests and the operation too. Radiotherapy, another pain in the butt.........

Owch!

I can't remember having this much soreness the last time I had a lumpectomy. I am sore all over, sore to the touch and its really getting me down.

I went out in the car for the first time yesterday and that was a mistake because I ended up with an achey arm and now I can feel the swelling just under there.

Phoned the Breast Care nurses for advice and they said that the heat in the breast and heaviness could be down to an internal bleed. I did have a massive haematoma with my last op but because it was higher up on my chest it wasn't the same.

Have bought some cotton vests with internal support which help but being a 32G I do need a bit more than that.

I am going in to see the nurses on Thursday just to make sure all is ok. I just want to make sure that I havent got an infection.

Land of my Fathers

Moving away from my operation and cancer for this post I have been inspired by the Wales V England Rugby match being played right now. My mind has been focusing on my country of Wales.

I am from North Wales, a town called Wrecsam which is a border town. I have a lineage going back hundreds and hundreds of years in fact one of my ancestors was the first recorded vicar of Wrexham Parish Church and Gresford Parish Church where I was married in 1994.

On my maternal side my family can be traced back to the time of the industrial revolution and many of my ancestors worked down pit regardless of age or gender.

I am proud of my heritage and proud of my history and the colourful and interesting family that I am lucky to have been born into.

I have many interesting discussions with my mam about our history and family and its my intention to record these discussions so that I can keep many of these stories which will die with her. Its so good to have living history of decades of growth.

It has always perplexed me from a very young age as to why in school we were always taught English history and not Welsh. All of my knowledge of Welsh history has come down via word of mouth from relatives or my own research. I firmly believe that this is wrong, Welsh history should be on the curriculum of all welsh schools as is the language.

I should have gone to a Welsh school when I was little but my older brother was discriminated against by our own. He was held back a year because he came from a "mixed" background, meaning my mam spoke welsh but my dad didn't. My parents withdrew him from the school because in their view we would be subjected to racism soon enough but not at the age of 4 and not by our own people.

My mams first language is welsh. She could read and write in welsh before she could speak a word of English. Despite this, when she was in school she was forbidden to speak her native tongue and if caught doing so was punished and made to wear a badge saying "Welsh Not" for the rest of the day.

I used to speak welsh and write it too but I have lost the ability in recent years with the death of welsh speaking relatives. When I was in school I used to write and write and write then my mam would go through my work and make any necessary corrections. You can imagine how down trodden I was made to feel when my work came back covered in red ink. I couldn't understand it! Until I found out that the curriculum was based on the language of South Wales.

Looking back at welsh history you can see clearly that we were a tribal nation ruled by Princes this has led to the language changing from region to region. Interestingly the only place in Wales which uses "maen odi" for its snowing is Rhos where my mam is from, the term is Nordic......

Freedom!

Jason went back to work today but has arranged for mum to come over. "what time?" I asked him "morning" he said......................

My mum knows me like I know her, I am her daughter and I am like her in many many ways. It is 12.30 as I type and I know that mum will get here in her time but she is giving me the beathing space that I have so desperately needed. Thanks mum for being understanding without me having to ask or explain.

I had a lovely visit from my best friend JD who livened up my day, how good it was to chat and catch up and think about normal things.

Then I decided to go out for that fresh air I have been promising myself all week. The wind was bracing and it was threatening rain but it woke me up and blew away those cobwebs.

Now I am chilling here contemplating a cup of coffee.....

I had a day off painkillers which wasn't a good move on my part as the pain returned yesterday quite badly and through the night. I took the diclofenix this morning and its eased the pain considerably but left me feeling a little woozy.

Tomorrow will be one week after the operation! Onwards and Upwards!

In Recovery

I am still in awe at how "good" I feel following my operation! Last time was so different, I couldn't move for weeks and my arm movement was impaired for a long time. I must admit, it was the dread of this incapacity that made the thought of the operation awful.

Now I feel empowered, I don't feel vulnerable, I am in control....... mostly!!!!! My husband and mum and caring friends have other ideas I am afraid. Yes I have a 100mph dog in my life and yes I am a 100mph person. Normally I sometimes press the brakes lightly but now everyone has put the handbrake on and locked it aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!! I am NOT a good patient.

I am allowing myself this week and then the brakes are off. Don't worry though I will limit my speed to within normal parameters (with the odd sneaky blast of speed). Ssssshhhhhhh don't tell Jason!