A New Dawn

I have been struggling this week in particular as mentioned in my last post #Lockdown #Wales but by deciding to resurrect my blog which I used as therapy at the start of my war on cancer I feel as though I have woken up (metaphorically and literally) to a new and fresh dawn.

Don't get me wrong, the struggle is still very real and I am emerging from a dark cave and into the light.

My eyes have been opened and just this morning I have seen little things which I noticed and brought me pleasure.

The cornflowers randomly growing at the side of Cola's paddock, the resting red and black butterfly when I turned Cola out, the birds busy with their very busy lives and the new baby swallows calling for food from their nest.

So as I sit down to work from home in my "Den", my dogs Wilbur and Snowy by my side, Sid the guineapig listening to all my chunnerings and Bolt the rabbit gingerly escaping his run into the freedom of the garden ever mindful of the fact that although Wilbur has slowed down and no longer wants to chase, Snowy is still young with the instincts of a ratter.

Have a great day all and remember to look for the little things during your day which light the fires in your heart bringing you warmth, positivity and peace.

Lockdown Wales

I don't know why I haven't resurrected my blog sooner. Coronavirus has caused us to lockdown and blogging about it is a bit of therapy and boy do I need therapy right now.

I was starting to come out of my darkness when this pandemic struck and we were put into lockdown. 

At first it was quite novel working from home but 3 months in and I feel as though someone is drawing their nails down a chalk board.

I feel trapped, like a caged tiger and I need this lockdown to end.send 

Feelings

Is there a new moon tonight?

If there is, that moon is making me feel quite sad.

I am struggling with life, if I admit that and get it out in the open then I know I am safe.

My life didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. Certainly isn't a romantic fairy tale. Instead its been full of bitter sweetness, of getting but getting at a price and so much pain.

The first time I ever felt pain of the emotional kind was when my brother died. Looking down on his perfect face, freckles from the summer sun, lieing there peacefully in his coffin looking all of his 25 years. As I touched his cold hand I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the stomach, I doubled up and fell to the floor, I remember that just like I remember the shock of the physical pain.

So many things have hurt me since that day that I have become very good at putting them in a box and sealing them tightly away but in doing so the pain seeps slowly out from little worn cracks and slowly it poisens me, tortures me.

That box has become my defence but I know that I am getting close to the time when I need to take the lid off and address each item so that I can send them to a place where they cannot linger and hurt me anymore.

So for today, I am struggling. My body feels heavy and every single thing I do takes 200% effort. Even something nice like seeing my horse requires supreme effort.

These feelings sneak up on me and seemingly come from nowhere, they are all consuming and the feeling of worthlessness hangs around me.

Well That's an Achievement

I haven't been near a swimming pool for years. After my 2015 and 3rd battle with breast cancer left me horribly scarred and disfigured, I have struggled with anything that might mean exposing my body.

Although my reconstruction last April was a success because of my 2015 experience they were not able to do a normal job. My plastic surgeon explained that i am a work in progress. I know that I have more surgeries ahead of me but I can't think that far ahead.

So... Following our house flood we are back at Llyndir Hall Hotel and it's got a pool.

Today, I ventured into the pool and had a little swim.

It was a shock to experience how weak my body has become but at least now I have made this first step back to my normality i can aim to get stronger and fitter at a slow pace.

Today, I feel accomplished.

No One Ever Tells You....

No-one ever tells you how hard it is to let your children go. It's one of those taboo subjects that never gets talked about.

To see them leave home, fully independent hurts like nothing ever experienced before. It's like having your heart ripped out.

The fact that they don't need you anymore. The fact that once  you were the centre of their world and now you're not.

Oh the tears they flow and my heart it hurts.

Did That Really Happen?

I am struggling with life at the moment.

You would think that being cancer free and having had successful breast reconstruction that my life would be peachy..... but its not.

My way of dealing with bad things in life is to not think about it, just crack on with life and keep smiling but I guess its not the best way to deal with things especially if it puts you in the position I am in today.

This morning, my mind has been wandering and it suddenly hit me, just for a moment because thats all my mind allowed me, the enormity of what's happened to me.

It was like having a cold shower.

It was as though I was standing at a window looking at someone elses life.

Did that all really happen to me? Is this new body really mine?

The mind is a funny thing in the way it protects you.

I guess that now is the time for me to accept that what happened, actually did so that I can heal and put the past back in its place where it needs to be.

Wow Life Moves Fast

I am currently two and a half weeks post reconstructive surgery. Yeah! Didn't see that coming did ya? Neither did I!!

I had put the thoughts of reconstruction to the back of my mind, I hadn't decided what to do and was struggling with making a decision based on the horror and trauma I suffered at the hands of Chester hospital.

Two letters arrived ... and within a short space of time I had made my decision to accept the challenge and take the opportunity that had presented itself. Reconstruction.

I opted for a free flap diep procedure which basically means I got a tummy tuck and they made new boobs out of my tummy.

I was petrified when I went for my pre-op, even more so when I was told that my surgeon had been changed from Mr Graham to Ms Taghizadeh. However Mr Bennett who was part of the surgical team allayed my fears, he spent so much time with me explaining what would happen and reassuring me about the surgeon.

One thing that every plastic surgeon I have spoken too since Chester Hospital horror is that radiated tissue and implants do not work well together. That is the subject of another post though.

Ms Taghizadeh couldn't believe the state I had been left in, questioning the stitch mark scars and told me that I was a project. She reassured me that she would do her best for me and I believed her.

I was prepped for a 12 to 14 hour operation. The anaesthetist gave me the talk about all of the horrors one could experience after such a long operation but he needn't have bothered because Ms Taghizadeh broke her record and the hospital record by completing my op in 6 hours. I swear my mum had my back that day.

The pain was immense and being hooked up to four drains was a bit of a nightmare. The heated blanket post surgery was hell and I felt as though I was being cooked. The nurses monitored me relentlessly making sure that the grafts didn't fail.

So here I am, on the mend with new boobs.

I never ever could have believed that reconstruction would do so much to lift my spirits but I honestly feel as though I have my life back and that I can finally close the painful chapter that was my cancer.