100 Days of Happy - Day 1

Lets start a 100 days of happy where I will post about something which made me happy on that particular day.

Happy Day 1!!!!

Hmmmm lots of things made me happy today....

Making and wrapping gifts for friends and family. I enjoyed packaging things... didn't like the wrapping part much but it has to be done.

Chatting with Joe and sharing some jokes. Its always good to smile and giggle if you can.

My friends horse Morris never ceases to make me happy. He is so cheeky and practically human! I swear that he can understand English and certainly knows what the word "carrot" means.

Watching Charlotte jump her horse Teddy - she is a talented rider and sailed over them like a dream.

Is that enough happy for one day?

Inbetween Storms and Showers Theres Always Sunshine

Looking back at some of my posts I realised what an Eeyore I have become.... all gloom and doom!!

When telling a story in no matter what form, one doesn't realise that if the focus is on one part of your life then the wrong picture is painted or at least one that isn't balanced.

So with that in mind, lets focus on the GOOD and GREAT things that have happened this year.

Well first of all.... ok.... I got a 3rd cancer diagnosis BUT because of the experts looking after me, because of the routine scans and tests - it was caught EARLY!!! Wow! if thats not something to celebrate then what the hell is!!

Despite surgeries and failed surgeries I was totally overwhelmed by the support from family and friends. I was given the most amazing gifts and not just gifts.... they were chosen and sent with care and love. The care and love behind those gifts meant more to me than the gifts themselves.

You know who you are !!!! 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You will never know just how much they mean to me.

Then there were the gigs.

Yes I missed some such as the Damned and Mike Peters when he played in Wrexham BUT I was at the Gathering AND I made a HUGE step for me..... I went on my own. Truly though, I was never on my own because the love, care, friendship from my Alarm family meant that I was surrounded by such great spirit.

My horse Cola was diagnosed with Cushings disease this year but its given me a much closer bond with him. He has been by my side every step of the way, lighting up my heart with joy and love.

My husband Jason has been my rock. He doesn't show much emotion and that can be deceptive but I know how much my illnesses have affected him. He has been there for me every step of the way at great personal expense. I admit that I feel that I am not worth it, I am not worthy but there it is..... He has kept me floating.

This photo was taken at my dear friends 50th party. What a fantastic night that was. Along with the wedding of two other friends. I am so honoured to have been invited to share these very special days.

I have been involved with Love Hope Strength and helping others actually helps me. The team are amazing. They uplift my spirits and the people we meet are genuinely interested and want to help their fellow human beings. How great is that?!

Dog walking for friends has kept me sane, its allowed me to explore my emotions and remain in touch with nature. Nature is my saviour.

Although I said goodbye tragically to my old dwarf hamster Ragnar Lothbruk I welcomed a rescue hamster into my life called Uhtred or Ted for short. He was the runt of the litter and has torn ears and scars.

Hmmmmm what else?? Theres so many good things to choose from I can't quite think.

Music has been important to me..... The Gathering, Mike Peters, The Jack Tars...... missed gigs too but then maybe they weren't meant to be.

Not all bad then!!

OH YES!!!!!!! I discovered OUTLANDER!!!! BOOKS, SERIES, COMMUNITY - WOW

2015 in Review

Where do I start?

Seriously....... Where .... Do ..... I ..... Start???????

What a year! 

Dreadful.

Heartbreaking.

Glad to see the back of it!!

The year started with a bad feeling I had in my gut. I went for my routine scans on New Years Eve then on New Years Day I found out that the little angel, the dog with whom I found my first cancer lump had died following a sudden illness.

Next.... I received a letter from the council accusing me of running a business from my house without planning permission.... er.... hello?? business? er.... 1 dog a week belonging to a friend if I am lucky!! I have a good idea who did it and I don't hold a grudge because I know that karma has a way of coming back three fold. 

During this upset I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer. I was advised to go for a double mastectomy and reconstruction at the same time. I followed all of the advice I was given but forgive the pun.... it all went a bit "tits up". 

I developed an infection which spread and had to have two emergency operations. Following the final operation, the stitches became embedded and trapped a nerve. Agony doesn't come near to it.

Just as things are starting to work their way out I start having anxiety and panic attacks along with black feelings.

I can confess on here that I did consider taking my life.

I had started to plan care for my animals and it was only a chance meeting with a 90 year old stranger which pulled me out of this storm and I managed to crawl out.

November comes and a pain in my mums shoulder which we thought was a strain led to her being put on tramadol and cocodemol by her GP, this led to a fall and a bad reaction to the drugs. She was treated for an overdose such was the reaction to the painkillers she had been given. Her liver and kidneys had been affected. The antidote to the tramadol brought on a heart attack and then she developed sepsis.

After a week of fighting and boy she did fight! She really didnt want to leave us! She passed.

So forgive me for not being ready for Christmas.

Its been the shittest year of my life. (With some good bits too!)

PS: I was later told by a plastic surgeon that radiotherapy damaged tissue has a high failure rate with implants. So why was I advised to go down this route given that I have received high doses of radon to both breasts????

The Day My World Changed

Early morning, muster call
Feet pit patting along the hall.
Lieing in bed with tubes around
Silently sleeping
Not the slightest of sound.
I wipe away a tear
You didn't want to leave
You knew how desperately hard
We would grieve.
For how can the world
Continue to move
When we have lost our love.
She was all a mother should be
And more and more
Our hearts are breaking
We are broken to the core.

It's Hard

My mum has been taken ill this last week.

To cut along story short, she's in hdu and is critically ill.

This is a hard fact to deal with without the added complications of family.

I feel ill.  Gut wrenchingly ill with the worry, fear, anger, frustration.

This is a dreadful situation to be in and I am praying with every ounce of my soul for a positive outcome.

Loss

This week the world has experienced such losses.

The Paris massacre which took place on Friday evening was too shocking for words. The utter devastation carried out in the name of what? Senseless killing by terrorists. This massacre has taught me the true meaning of terrorism and terrorists..... terror.

A little more close to home I was a sad witness to the death of a horse on our yard. N and her horse Boady hadn't been with us for long but they settled in quickly and fitted in so well.

Colic is a dreadful thing for horses and ultimately that's what killed the poor boy. Twisted gut.... there was no choice. He was 16 with arthritis and so surgery wasn't an option.

Last night I lost my dwarf hamster Ragnar Lothbruk. I was cleaning out his house and unbeknown to me he fell into the dishwater and drowned.

Death is always sad. Loss is hard to come to terms with.

My thoughts and prayers are with souls who have suffered such losses.

That Perfect Moment

I wrote a post last night on my phone but for some reason I can't publish it. So I will try to remember what I said.

The experience happened yesterday. After a pretty dark week I was and am still feeling quite fragile.

I was out walking a dog on the lanes I have walked for 20 years. I have picked sloes and blackberries here, ridden my horse, walked my own dogs and run down these lanes. They are beautiful.

Yesterday the dog stopped to eat grass. An unusual occurance because she is quite a hyper 7 month old puppy. Grass is good for dogs but thats another subject.

As she gingerly picked at the grass I became aware of the stillness of the air. The heat of the sun kissed my skin and the quietness enveloped me. I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky and in that moment, with the birds chattering around me I experienced pure peace.

I opened my eyes a moment later and I felt spiritually cleansed.

You know that feeling when you get out of a steaming hot bath and your skin feels clean and warm.... thats exactly how my soul felt.

It struck me that without the darkest of moments these brightest of moments would not hold the significance they do.

I hope you have a perfect moment today too.