Mothers Day 2015

In line with one of my posts.... today I am thanking my body for giving me two beautiful, gorgeous and loving sons. 

 Joe and Jason with my Guardian Angel Cola

 Rhuddlan Castle before Rhuddlan Rocks 

 From birth my boys always had great fun in the river

 It's hard to ever think that they looked so young

 Harry and his sense of humour

 My favourite photo of Harry and I when he was just a couple of days old

 Joe never ceases to amaze me with his musical talent, a natural! I am so proud of him

 When the boys get along, they get along

 Harry

 We spent a great deal of time at Erddig Hall and Chirk Castle. We have lots of magical memories of those times.

 Harry has always had a special way with animals

 Watching movies has always been a family thing

 So smart ready for Uncle Nicholas and Aunty Catherines wedding

 Harry always loved to dress up

I love this photo of Joe and I even though he looks kind of shocked

 We had some lovely holidays with our God daughter

 So many happy Christmas's together. Little did we know that when Harry had this pilots jump suit that in future years he would become an Air Cadet

 Whenever Harry dressed up he took the part to heart

 We loved the Llyn Peninsula and Harry in particular liked to be buried in the sand

 We have eaten lots of ice cream over the years in different places 

 We have brought the boys up to have great respect for our war heroes

 Chirk Castle - I loved Joe in those long shorts

 Erddig Hall, Joe had such a lovely smile

 Oswestry Show - Harry would never sit still 

 Joe 

 Me and Joe

 Harry wasnt impressed with Father C

 India day, Harry never quite forgave me for this

 Harry loved horse riding

Boobs!

I have never appreciated the true value of boobs before. I have taken them for granted and to be honest with you, I give you this piece of advice.......

"be careful what you wish for"

Sporting a 32F / 32G cup I have wished for smaller boobs and now having had 3 surgeries on them I don't have them anymore.

Well.... I do have them but they are not like my own! They have been put there but I have yet to mentally adopt them.

32C - wish I looked like her as well!

More than a handful is a waste so they say.

Alot of breast tissue was removed and I think I have explained in earlier posts what they did. I am hoping that as a result of this my chronic back pain will be gone.

Its been an assett carrying my extra weight for the last 6 years. Its as though my body kind of "knew" what was coming and the size issue has helped me to keep a decent rack of boobs.

Now however, I need to diet. I need to lose this excess weight I have been carrying around all this time so that I can show off these babies and accept them as my own.

I don't know how I am going to to this or when.

Now is not the time. I am still on antibiotics and although I have intense itching today I still have fluid build up and pain.

I am just looking forward to getting my life back on track and being able to do simple things.

Bodies

Our bodies are wonderful and amazing things and we honestly do not give them the credit they deserve.

My body is the house of my soul, my spirit. 

I have spent my entire life criticising my body......

"I am not thin enough"

"my tummy is too fat"

"My skin is too white"

"I don't like my freckles"

"My celulite is ugly"

"My hair is straight I want it curly"

"my hair is too short I want it long"

"my hair is too long I want it short"

"my teeth are not white enough or straight enough"

"my boobs are too big"

"my boobs are not as pretty as they were"

etc  etc etc etc etc blah blah blah

We are indocrinated from birth by the media that to be wanted, accepted, loved and to be successful we have to look a certain way all of the time!

Most of the images we are force fed are photo shopped and the model in question takes one footstep out of the shoot area and yep her hair has flopped and her high heels are off because they hurt.

Whats wrong with being curvey? That soft pillow of flesh which our children love to cuddle and feel comforted by. The curves which can keep us alive. Whats wrong with them? Why do we have to be perfect?

Flawless skin? Who on this earth has unblemished skin?

Aargh enough!!!!!

Just look at what my fantastic body has produced......

In my early 20's I harmed my body with an eating dishorder. I battled this disorder up until my early 40's but the damage I did through not eating has dictated my lifes path forever.

As soon as I started to eat again, I began to over exercise..... This caused my hormones to go totally hay wire and I ended up with polycystic ovary syndrome. This meant that weight was hard to shift and having children would proved difficult.

To cut throught the crap and cut to the chase I had my beautiful boys, my body gave them to me and made it possible to feed them, nourish them and wrap them in unconditional love.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 my body had already contained the cancer by calcifying it, making it hard and entombing it to prevent its spread.

How cool is that? Thank you body.

Over the years my body has endured 4 surgeries, 12 rounds of chemo, 18 rounds of targeted chemo (herceptin), 30 doses of radiotherapy..... I have had bone problems, lost my hair, my veins have corded and turned into wood, my hands are permanently swollen but my body has done its utmost to sort itself out.

So my body isn't perfect. I have more scars than I care to acknowledge. I am over weight, my skin is too fair, my teeth are not white enough, I still wish I had curly hair but you know what?


I don't care anymore.

I was born into this body, my soul was given this body to love and to cherish and to work with.

I can now see this that my body and my soul are seperate entities but essential for each others survival.

Today I see my body as perfect, kind, wonderful and amazing.

How do you see your body?

Week 3 Post Mastectomy/Reconstruction Surgery

I took myself to see the Breast Care nurses in hospital on Monday because I was in a terrible state. I felt really low both physically and mentally and was in so much pain I could barely walk.

Bless my husband he took me to the unit via  a wheelchair, I honestly don't think I could have managed on foot and that's truly not like me at all.

The doctor who checked out my surgery site said straight away that there was an infection present. Having looked further decided that the fluid build up would need to be checked and drained. My wounds were all OK.

I waited for nearly an hour wearing a hospital gown and on my own because "men" weren't allowed in this area. I was called into the ultrasound room and was told that they would drain the fluid. They wouldn't use a local anaesthetic they would see how they got on.

It hurt as they rummaged with the needle although they did try to be gentle. The fluid literally filled the syringe within moments much to their surprise so they fumbled for a second syringe, that did the same then the third...... Thank goodness that was over. 

The blood spillage on my arm smelt like copper - I don't like that smell.

I was offered a cup of tea but I just wanted to get out of there and back to my husband.

The relief from the drainage was instant, at last I could put my arm down!

Antibiotics were collected from the chemist along with more painkillers. What a shock to be charged £8 for the antibiotics because the prescription was written in England! I am a welsh patient, I live in Wales, I have never lived in England and I pay Welsh taxes - totally unacceptable and unfair just because Wales cannot provide the surgery I need.

Rant over!

The antibiotics have worked and I am feeling much better but the fluid has built up again and I am worrying about my appointment on Friday and having drainage again.

You see... I have been fighting cancer since 2009 and I have had more procedures done than I have had hot dinners my entire life. I am sick and tired of being poked and prodded of having cannula's inserted and needles pushed in here and there. 

So there you are that's as far as I am with this stupid disease!

Two and a Bit Post Surgery

It's taken me two and a half weeks to realise that.....

1. I have had two major operations all in one go  

and...

2. It was a double whammy so all of my chest is affected and both arms





I have had advice from ladies who have had one affected or taken surgery one step at a time and I kind of expected to be feeling better than I do right now.


However.... after really over doing things a couple of days ago and spending yesterday feeling very ill indeed I have accepted 1 and 2 as listed above.



So..... surgery......

It's a kind of a new procedure (very interesting).


I have had radiotherapy to both breasts which has (apparently) damaged the blood vessels and muscle in those areas which makes reconstruction quite difficult. The muscles can be squishy (the words of my surgeon) and the blood vessels quite brittle.

So....


What they did is this......


They removed 3lbs of breast tissue within which they found 3mm of cancer. This one was DCIS. 

The remaining lymph nodes in my left arm were removed.

Then for the reconstruction they cut through my pectoral muscles and attached a kind of collagen fibre to create a pocket in which they deposited the implant.





The skin was then folded over in a double layer hence the tiny size of my boobies compared to what they were. The reason for this is kind of like an insurance and protection purpose.



My drains were removed after 14 days (that was a relief I can tell you!). Now, 2 and a half weeks post surgery how does it feel???


Itching!!! The itching is driving me insane

Tight - the dressings and healing skin cause it to feel tight

Deep Muscle pain - sneezing is hell

Muscle Weakness - not allot of strength in the muscle areas

Strange!!!!! - feels as though I have bricks in my chest! That, together with the fact that I have no feeling in the area due to nerve damage makes it feel totally weird.