Growing Up

I honestly can't believe where the years have gone.

I seem to have blinked and a whole decade has whizzed by.

Only yesterday my boys were small and they needed me. I was busy fighting for help for my youngest, life was full of medical appointments and reviews then fast forward to now....

My eldest has left school and is about to start college and my youngest is taller than me!

GCSE results yesterday and I am so proud of my eldest. Despite his struggles in life he passed all of his exams. I'm not going to discuss grades, I never was or never will be competitive and certainly will not use my boys to be that way. Suffice to say he passed with flying colours despite the fact that I was having surgeries when he sat his exams and was very ill.

I am just feeling a bit wind swept as I try to grasp the fact that they are charging fast towards manhood.

If a mother is reading this you will either totally get what I am saying or you won't have reached that point yet. If you haven't reached that point then please listen to me when I tell you to treasure each moment, even the bad ones.

Naughty Fell Pony

Yesterday Cola had his routine jabs. It was the new vets second day on the job. I told her straight away that Cola mustn't see the needle because he will be difficult.

She was a lovely young vet but not fast or firm enough for old Cola so the injection was a bit of a trauma.

The 14hh black beast grew in size and snorted and prance around his box with me trying to control him.

24 years old? He was acting like a 4 year old.

Then a blood sample was required. Oh my days the drama that ensued!

The vet got flung into my hay bar and I decided that it was time to tell Cola off much to the amusement of other horse owners.

The telling off seemed to work along with my arms working overtime to keep him still! As soon as he was standing I started to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little bloody star which despite my dreadful voice seemed to do the trick.

Poor boy looked so upset and to cap it all a wormer paste was administered.... not the best of days for my boy.

The vet was impressed by his condition and health although there are signs of a cataract forming on his scarred eye. The bloods will go off for testing to see if he has Cushings disease and I will  retest for worm burden in 2 weeks time.

Today my arms are stiff and painful.

Emotional Healing

Its been one hell of a year to be honest with you. 

Started off in December when my friends horse died. He was old and ailing but I helped her out with him and being stable buddies not only did I have to deal with the loss of her horse but her as well.

At the start of January following the installation of my special "shed" I received notification from the council that somebody had reported me for running a dog grooming business from home! 

Really?

 If the council had camped outside my house for a month they wouldn't have seen a thing because I only groom dogs as a hobby these days in order to keep my hand in. FFS my health won't allow anything more.

That really did shake me to the core I can tell you especially as one of my original customers back when I was grooming died suddenly and I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer.

I can't really explain how it made me feel. I felt violated, watched, I felt as though I had the evil eye on me..... It was dreadful. Whoever did that to me .... well .... shame on them!

After that .... everything that could go wrong DID go wrong and what followed were months of operations, antibiotics, pain, pain and more pain.....

I do think that the shock and upset of the council report did have an impact  on my immune system which isn't the best after my other illnesses and contributed to the hell that followed.

So now I am at a point in my life where I am taking time out to draw breath and heal my emotions.

I have had some reiki healing which has helped alot, its a great energy which goes where its needed.

I have forgiven the person who reported me to the council. I feel sorry for whoever they are because if they felt that insecure about me or hated me that much then they must be very sad individuals. I won't waste any emotion on them other than pity and sadness. 

As for the cancer and what the failed reconstruction has left me with.... well ..... thats more difficult. 

I still can't look at myself or touch the area. It feels strange anyway and I have been left with a dishing effect so prosthetics don't sit well either. The prosthetics cause pain too and yet I feel exposed without them.

It is going to take a long time to come to terms with all of this mess and my new body image. 

Time is a great healer and I am sure that once I have accepted what has happened I will come to accept this new me - or will I?

Promenading in Chester

Gorgeous sunny day today and Js first day off work so we decided to postpone our jobs and go for a wander by Chesters river.

Number 2 son was off out with his girlfriend and number 1 son decided to join us.

Ice cream by the river.... you just can't beat a Mr Whippy 😉

The park was full of families of all ages. Seeing the various stages of relationships taking what they needed from the ambience was quite nostalgic. The kids, the teens, young lovers, young parents, people like me and then grandparents.

It's funny how I have never considered these stages until today.

My advice to anyone reading this is to recognise each stage and love it for what it is.

Shopping

I feel quite sad and down. Things are changing very quickly with my youngest son growing up and finding his independence.

I have just been shopping for post surgery bras and I can tell you that they are vile. Well actually, no they are not its just the shape of my damaged chest distorts the prosthetics and therefore any bra I wear. Nobody can tell but I can and I feel sad.... I miss my breasts and looking feminine and pretty.

Now that has been said I then feel guilty for moaning about it because there are three women I know who have lost their lives to this disease so how the hell  can I be so bloody vain?

Anyway, here I am in Wrexham town sitting in Starbucks with a very large coffee watching people go about their business and trying to sort my head out.

Cancer be Damned

How ironic! The content of my last and very recent post.

I have just learned of the passing of a childhood friend to breast cancer.

She was the same age as me, first diagnosed in 2010 and she has gone.

Such a brave lady who despite being so very ill never complained and fought with courage and hope right to the end.

Always smiling, joking and so positive she never gave up hope.

She was so pleased to have had her photo taken with Mike Peters from the Alarm I was planning on getting him and his family to sign a bear with a guitar for her. That won't happen now...

If one thing can be taken from her passing today it will be to live for today and never take the moment in which we live for granted.

As she is gone I am still here.

Why?

How?

Survivors guilt.

Post War Resting

I can't explain how it feels to be me right now.

The war is over and I have won but I am not euphoric over my victory because I am exhausted and taking time out to catch my breath and heal my wounds.

How can I be euphoric when so many fellow soldiers have fallen in conflict?

I feel sad for them.

I feel guilty for surviving.

I feel even more guilty when I complain because I am still here and they are not.

The war is won but I am scared to celebrate. .... just in case.

I am enjoying the peace now that the turmoil is over. 6 years of fighting and I can't quite believe that it's over at last.

I am loving the fact that I am still alive.

It puts everything into perspective. You know, those people who want to bring you down ... they don't matter. They are living in their own private misery, a place I don't care to visit or even acknowledge.

The fact that I don't have money or a fancy house. .. doesn't matter.

Gone are the days when I would worry about other people.

I have fought a great fight and I won!

So now,  I am taking this time to draw breath and appreciate what has been in preparation for what will be.

Outlander

As regular readers of my blog will know, 2015 began with bad news and got worse.

At the moment, I am resting my mind trying to let it catch up with what has happened to me.

I discovered Outlander during that dreadful time of operations, infections and pain. Through the series I was able to escape from my troubles and pain and enter a world of magical escapism, romance and love.

The drama is set in Scotland, a land with which I have a great affinity. Indeed we are all Celt and have all been subjugated by the English in our past. Gaelic is verra similar to Welsh. Try as they might, even in my life time, they tried to wipe the language out but it survives such is the tenacity of our breed.

The costumes,  setting and casting of the drama is simply a work of art. Truly amazing.

Catriona Balfe and Sam Heughan are the best Jamie and Claire.

The drama inspired me to read the books written by the most talented Diana Gabaldon which are simply wonderful. Through the books I am able to enter the world of Jamie and Claire and escape my life for a while.

Outlander was written at a time of my life which was a struggle. I had lost my big brother in a car crash, my fiance at the time was treating me dreadfully and I had disordered eating.... I do believe that things come into your life when they are meant to and I think that's true of Outlander for me.

I have met a community of like minded people via social media and I was quite relieved to find out that I was not the only person affected by Outlander syndrome.

So here I am watching Outlander again and relishing each line in the books.

Thank you Diana Gabaldon for giving me Jamie and Claire and in doing so giving me sanctuary while I heal.

Thanks also to Team Outlander - you are all talented and wonderful people for giving me this gem with which to hide.