Grrrrr

I have put what has happened to me into a box and sealed the lid.

I can't think about what has happened to me this year because it feels as though I have been living as part of a horror movie.

I might be on the road to some sort of recovery physically but emotionally I haven't even started to heal.

The problem with the box that I have put into storage is that I actually forget what I have been through and as a result of that I expect far too much of myself.

I was offered my "dream" job working with horses as a carriage groom at Erddig, a place which has been dear to me all of my life.

It was only when my hubby pointed out the fact that it was too much too soon did I realise the time scale and I acknowledged what my poor body had suffered. It wouldn't be fair on me or my prospective employers.

So I have the range of emotions to deal with. ... anger, injustice, sadness and a feeling of overwhelming despondency. Will I EVER be ME again?

The strong warrior that I am I have taken stock and regrouped. Getting the job was a huge boost to my self esteem which has plummeted and it's given me the push to develop my career further and in other ways.

I received a copy of the letter that my surgeon wrote to my GP and was stunned to find out that my third breast cancer was in fact a relapse of my second but had returned more aggressively.

I am very lucky to have the NHS and the care I have received (apart from my recent surgeries due to cost cutting) has been amazing.

I owe the NHS my life. I am still alive to care for my boys who still need me and somehow I have a purpose in this funny old world to fulfil.

Life

Its been almost a month since I last posted. I have been busy getting my life back on track and writing has been the last thing on my mind.

I still want to do my photo idea which I covered in my last post but I am hanging fire with it until I feel the time is right and I do it in a way I feel comfortable with.

I have been enjoying getting physical again and the wonderful thing is, my back is getting less painful. Just shows you what carrying around two bags of sugar on your chest can do to you!

I am still coming to terms with what has happened to me though. Not sure if I will ever get over this episode in my life.

I get a few seconds of reality. Its like a wave washing over me, it comes and goes. I suddenly realise .... exactly .... just .... what .... has .... happened, and it feels as though my life has been part of a horror movie. As the horror registers in my brain, I instantly push it back into its box and slam the lid shut on it and carry on with my life.

I suppose my brain is still processing everything and by drip feeding in this way, I am not over come with the enormity of it all. 

I was thinking about my youngest son and how that a couple of years ago I was worried sick about his future, he was so depressed and sad, on a path of self destruction. He is now a handsome, tall and confidant teenager - I suddenly was overcome with gratitude! The realisation that I could well have died and not seen this transformation was like a cold shower. I cried.