100 Days of Happy - Day 6

Celebrating Christmas with a dear friend but embaressing myself ... hic!

100 Days of Happy - Day 5

Its been a funny old Christmas really with the boys growing up and my family in decline.

I found some old photos on my computer and they really filled me with happiness at the memories of years, people and animals gone past.

A very relaxing day surrounded by my pets feeling so full of food I could burst!

Thinking of Christmas past.....

The dolls house my mum made for me out of cardboard boxes. The detail she added was phenomenal along with the furniture she made for me.

Creeping downstairs with my older brother in front and my younger one behind, trying not to wake our parents, overcoming obsticles my mum had put in the way supposedly to stop our dog Patch from getting Santa but really they were to try and keep us in bed.

Such happy memories.

100 Days of HAPPY Days 3 and 4

I didn't get an opportunity to write up my blog yesterday so I am combining days 3 and 4 of happy.

Day 3 of Happy (Yesterday)

Christmas Eve

I was relieved to have completed all that I could for the Christmas festivities. I thoroughly enjoyed giving out gifts especially the ones I had made. I receive great pleasure in giving. I felt a bit sad though because losing mum and my not feeling well this year meant that I didn't make what I wanted too.

Wrapping gifts for my boys made me happy. Don't get me wrong.... I really don't enjoy wrapping but doing it for them makes me happy. I enjoy putting quirky messages on J's gifts and then arranging them just so.....

I took a great deal of pleasure in writing up my review for a blaster which I received via Amazon vine. I asked a special little boy to use the blaster on the condition that he produced a critique. This boy is 9 years old and the most sociable, chatty, engaging boy you could ever wish to meet. I honestly didn't expect a huge amount of detail.... but just look at this wonderful picture and write up.....

Day 4 of Happy (Today)

Christmas Day

So many things to make me happy today, just where do I begin?

The wonderful gifts given to me in love which have brought me alot of joy because of the thought, care and love behind them. 

Spending a couple of quiet hours with my J and watching him open his gifts.

Spending Christmas morning with cheeky Cola, even getting wet in the rain didn't dampen my spirits.

Watching my rabbit Bolt run around the garden for hours.... jumping, binking and generally loving life. During this time he was accompanied by some garden birds, a very busy male blackbird who kept jumping at my honeysuckle in order to retrieve berries then hopping over to the lawn to pick up worms. Some other birds flitted here and there. What amazed me was the fact that none of the birds were afraid of Bolt who continued to hop around the garden. I also didn't think that he had noticed the birds but he must have because he purposely went to investigate the honeysuckle where the blackbird had been feasting.

Cuddling with my dogs Pickles, Wilbur and Snowy..... Giving them their own Christmas dinner once we had finished ours then coming into the room to find them sleepy and content.

I am sure there is alot more happy to experience today but so far its been lovely.

Merry Christmas to you all. Bless you with healthy, love and joy now and always.

100 Days of Happy - Day 2

Routine visit to the Shooting Star unit today to see my oncologist. All went well, examinations ok. Being sent for routine bloods and refered to a therapist just to check if I am still sane!! Its always good to get these checks done and dusted so that I can enjoy the next year!

The oncologist was such a gentleman, makes such a huge difference when you are treated with kindness and respect.

Anyone who knows Wrexham Hospital knows how difficult it is to park, as I arrived I prayed to the Angels for a space and I got one straight away and in a great location. Thank you Angels.

While on my way into the hospital I saw an old friend from way back when. Put a spring in my step and a smile of my face. 

I enjoyed a nice cuppa tea in the cafe as I watched people go about their business... I do enjoy people watching.

Put a chilli shepherds pie to cook for tea and Jason went out for some tiger bread and cellophane wrapping paper so that I can finish off the rest of my home made packaging.

Cola was in fine fettle and was quite happy to come into his warm stable today.

A really nice and happy day with lots of things to celebrate.

100 Days of Happy - Day 1

Lets start a 100 days of happy where I will post about something which made me happy on that particular day.

Happy Day 1!!!!

Hmmmm lots of things made me happy today....

Making and wrapping gifts for friends and family. I enjoyed packaging things... didn't like the wrapping part much but it has to be done.

Chatting with Joe and sharing some jokes. Its always good to smile and giggle if you can.

My friends horse Morris never ceases to make me happy. He is so cheeky and practically human! I swear that he can understand English and certainly knows what the word "carrot" means.

Watching Charlotte jump her horse Teddy - she is a talented rider and sailed over them like a dream.

Is that enough happy for one day?

Inbetween Storms and Showers Theres Always Sunshine

Looking back at some of my posts I realised what an Eeyore I have become.... all gloom and doom!!

When telling a story in no matter what form, one doesn't realise that if the focus is on one part of your life then the wrong picture is painted or at least one that isn't balanced.

So with that in mind, lets focus on the GOOD and GREAT things that have happened this year.

Well first of all.... ok.... I got a 3rd cancer diagnosis BUT because of the experts looking after me, because of the routine scans and tests - it was caught EARLY!!! Wow! if thats not something to celebrate then what the hell is!!

Despite surgeries and failed surgeries I was totally overwhelmed by the support from family and friends. I was given the most amazing gifts and not just gifts.... they were chosen and sent with care and love. The care and love behind those gifts meant more to me than the gifts themselves.

You know who you are !!!! 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You will never know just how much they mean to me.

Then there were the gigs.

Yes I missed some such as the Damned and Mike Peters when he played in Wrexham BUT I was at the Gathering AND I made a HUGE step for me..... I went on my own. Truly though, I was never on my own because the love, care, friendship from my Alarm family meant that I was surrounded by such great spirit.

My horse Cola was diagnosed with Cushings disease this year but its given me a much closer bond with him. He has been by my side every step of the way, lighting up my heart with joy and love.

My husband Jason has been my rock. He doesn't show much emotion and that can be deceptive but I know how much my illnesses have affected him. He has been there for me every step of the way at great personal expense. I admit that I feel that I am not worth it, I am not worthy but there it is..... He has kept me floating.

This photo was taken at my dear friends 50th party. What a fantastic night that was. Along with the wedding of two other friends. I am so honoured to have been invited to share these very special days.

I have been involved with Love Hope Strength and helping others actually helps me. The team are amazing. They uplift my spirits and the people we meet are genuinely interested and want to help their fellow human beings. How great is that?!

Dog walking for friends has kept me sane, its allowed me to explore my emotions and remain in touch with nature. Nature is my saviour.

Although I said goodbye tragically to my old dwarf hamster Ragnar Lothbruk I welcomed a rescue hamster into my life called Uhtred or Ted for short. He was the runt of the litter and has torn ears and scars.

Hmmmmm what else?? Theres so many good things to choose from I can't quite think.

Music has been important to me..... The Gathering, Mike Peters, The Jack Tars...... missed gigs too but then maybe they weren't meant to be.

Not all bad then!!

OH YES!!!!!!! I discovered OUTLANDER!!!! BOOKS, SERIES, COMMUNITY - WOW

2015 in Review

Where do I start?

Seriously....... Where .... Do ..... I ..... Start???????

What a year! 

Dreadful.

Heartbreaking.

Glad to see the back of it!!

The year started with a bad feeling I had in my gut. I went for my routine scans on New Years Eve then on New Years Day I found out that the little angel, the dog with whom I found my first cancer lump had died following a sudden illness.

Next.... I received a letter from the council accusing me of running a business from my house without planning permission.... er.... hello?? business? er.... 1 dog a week belonging to a friend if I am lucky!! I have a good idea who did it and I don't hold a grudge because I know that karma has a way of coming back three fold. 

During this upset I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer. I was advised to go for a double mastectomy and reconstruction at the same time. I followed all of the advice I was given but forgive the pun.... it all went a bit "tits up". 

I developed an infection which spread and had to have two emergency operations. Following the final operation, the stitches became embedded and trapped a nerve. Agony doesn't come near to it.

Just as things are starting to work their way out I start having anxiety and panic attacks along with black feelings.

I can confess on here that I did consider taking my life.

I had started to plan care for my animals and it was only a chance meeting with a 90 year old stranger which pulled me out of this storm and I managed to crawl out.

November comes and a pain in my mums shoulder which we thought was a strain led to her being put on tramadol and cocodemol by her GP, this led to a fall and a bad reaction to the drugs. She was treated for an overdose such was the reaction to the painkillers she had been given. Her liver and kidneys had been affected. The antidote to the tramadol brought on a heart attack and then she developed sepsis.

After a week of fighting and boy she did fight! She really didnt want to leave us! She passed.

So forgive me for not being ready for Christmas.

Its been the shittest year of my life. (With some good bits too!)

PS: I was later told by a plastic surgeon that radiotherapy damaged tissue has a high failure rate with implants. So why was I advised to go down this route given that I have received high doses of radon to both breasts????

The Day My World Changed

Early morning, muster call
Feet pit patting along the hall.
Lieing in bed with tubes around
Silently sleeping
Not the slightest of sound.
I wipe away a tear
You didn't want to leave
You knew how desperately hard
We would grieve.
For how can the world
Continue to move
When we have lost our love.
She was all a mother should be
And more and more
Our hearts are breaking
We are broken to the core.

It's Hard

My mum has been taken ill this last week.

To cut along story short, she's in hdu and is critically ill.

This is a hard fact to deal with without the added complications of family.

I feel ill.  Gut wrenchingly ill with the worry, fear, anger, frustration.

This is a dreadful situation to be in and I am praying with every ounce of my soul for a positive outcome.

Loss

This week the world has experienced such losses.

The Paris massacre which took place on Friday evening was too shocking for words. The utter devastation carried out in the name of what? Senseless killing by terrorists. This massacre has taught me the true meaning of terrorism and terrorists..... terror.

A little more close to home I was a sad witness to the death of a horse on our yard. N and her horse Boady hadn't been with us for long but they settled in quickly and fitted in so well.

Colic is a dreadful thing for horses and ultimately that's what killed the poor boy. Twisted gut.... there was no choice. He was 16 with arthritis and so surgery wasn't an option.

Last night I lost my dwarf hamster Ragnar Lothbruk. I was cleaning out his house and unbeknown to me he fell into the dishwater and drowned.

Death is always sad. Loss is hard to come to terms with.

My thoughts and prayers are with souls who have suffered such losses.

That Perfect Moment

I wrote a post last night on my phone but for some reason I can't publish it. So I will try to remember what I said.

The experience happened yesterday. After a pretty dark week I was and am still feeling quite fragile.

I was out walking a dog on the lanes I have walked for 20 years. I have picked sloes and blackberries here, ridden my horse, walked my own dogs and run down these lanes. They are beautiful.

Yesterday the dog stopped to eat grass. An unusual occurance because she is quite a hyper 7 month old puppy. Grass is good for dogs but thats another subject.

As she gingerly picked at the grass I became aware of the stillness of the air. The heat of the sun kissed my skin and the quietness enveloped me. I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky and in that moment, with the birds chattering around me I experienced pure peace.

I opened my eyes a moment later and I felt spiritually cleansed.

You know that feeling when you get out of a steaming hot bath and your skin feels clean and warm.... thats exactly how my soul felt.

It struck me that without the darkest of moments these brightest of moments would not hold the significance they do.

I hope you have a perfect moment today too.

Into the Darkness then Out the Other End all in a Day

Within the last 24 hours I have been the lowest I have ever been in decades.

I confess to having had the darkest thoughts ever to the point of even starting to organise my stuff.....

I posted a poem this morning trying to describe how I feel and it was pretty dark.

I continued with my day which consisted of Cola and dog walking. Being around animals and nature is medicine for my soul and it didn't disappoint today.

I normally shy away from human company when I feel low and today was no exception. However, while walking number 2 dog.... I came across a guy I have known ever since I have lived in this village. We used to train at the same gym and passed each other on our running sessions. We have always exchanged niceties but not had a proper conversation until today. 

Out of the blue he crossed over and invited himself on our walk. We talked in a very matter of fact kind of way and he introduced the subject of God and how He makes us stronger. I wont go into the detail of the conversation but when we parted company I felt as though I had been lifted spiritually.

The day went on and my jobs were done. 

I had the choice of riding Cola or not. I felt low so I decided not but out of the blue took myself to Broughton for a Costa hot chocolate.

I sat on my own and tried to keep myself to myself avoiding eye contact but this little old lady kept catching my eye. 

She instigated a conversation about coffee and how hot hers was. The barista came over and replaced it with a cooler version and some extra milk "just in case". The conversation went on until in the end I took myself over to her table and we sat talking about life in general.

She was 90 years old and still independent, full of life and her faculties, she was a joy to be with. Her spirit was infectious. She is fighting lung cancer but still lives life to the full. She gave me advice and good will. As we parted she told me her name was Eve.

Sometimes, if we open our hearts Earth Angels cross our parts and hold our hands until we can walk independantly.

Today, two such Earth Angels held my hand on two seperate occasions and while I am treading cautiously I am in a much better place than I was this morning.

Thank you God.

Into the Darkness

We Are The Light - Mike Peters

Into the darkness

The void in my soul is enshrouded in blackness.
Harsh world, harsh life, harsh times.
War torn and battered
Crushed and defeated.
Lifes purpose is gone there is no hope,
No strength,
No light.

The grip of darkness tightens on my soul -
Souls breath seeping out in a silent gasp.
Tick, 
Tick,
Tick.....time goes on.... 
When will it stop.

Those black hands, pungent and stinking
Grabbing and pulling me down into the shroud.
Each time I dive in a little further, a little darker....

Worthless and broken
Failing and failed
Dead and deadened

To the lyrics of the song:

People
Light up your light tonight
I wanna see you shine

Fight despair
Don let it get you down
Don let it tie you down

There a man with a wife and three children
Who been told he can work
There a boy who been told there no future
Hes been led by the blind.

And I can hear them crying
As they try to sleep through the night
I can hear them cry
I can hear them cry

WE ARE THE LIGHT
WE ARE THE LIGHT
WE ARE THE LIGHT OF OUR LIVES

Hold on
To what you believe is right
Don let anyone turn your eyes
Look ahead
Don stop to look behind
The past aint no friend of mine
There a failure who is standing on the corner
For he cannot see hope
There a blind man who is standing at the crossroads
For he cannot see light

And as we fire the candles
We must make sure they burn through the night
For if they should die
There be no light

WE ARE THE LIGHT
WE ARE THE LIGHT
WE ARE THE LIGHT OF OUR LIVES

SHINE YOUR LIGHT
SHINE

WE ARE THE LIGHT
SHINE ON, SHINE ON SHINE
WE ARE THE LIGHT

Songwriters
EDWARD JAMES MAC DONALD, MICHAEL LESLIE PETERS

Published by

Commercialise Cancer

I have had a pretty shit 6 years and without going into detail because lets face it, if you know me, if you have read this blog then you will be fully aware of my relationship with breast cancer.

Today I read a blog shared on facebook by a friend and WOW it really did echo exactly how I have been feeling lately. (Just click on the highlighted text and you will be taken there).

On Monday morning, following a pretty traumatic weekend with my teenage autistic son, I had the misfortune of seeing Victoria Derbyshires video diary being advertised on breakfast news. She is 47 and has just had a mastectomy. Shes decided to make this diary and share it everywhere to prove..... prove what???

Do you know what that diary did to me? It made me cry and it made me feel like a complete failure. I went out that morning and thank God for my horse and dog walking because I felt as though I had lost my fight against cancer, that I had lost every ounce of strength I had in me...... Yes Victoria I said my fight against cancer and NOT me being treated for cancer!!!

These celebrities in their glass houses really should put their brains into gear before they decide to spout off about their experiences.

Did she get chucked out of hospital 24 hours after surgery?

Did her husband have to empty and monitor both of the drains for 2 weeks?

Did her husband have to inject her in her stomach every day?

Did her husband have to change dressings with gangrene and rotting flesh?

Does she struggle with bone pain due to cancer drugs and treatment. Painful scars and reduced mobility? Are her hands inflamed so she has lost her grip? Do her insides feel as though acid had been thrown down them? Has she lost years of her children's lives because she has been busy getting poisoned in order to live?

Yep, you can tell I am pretty upset!

Its not just her diary though its everything relating to cancer.

Brave the Shave for example..... PLEASE do not trivialise hair loss through cancer treatment. If you CHOOSE (important word here being choose) to shave your head, then its your choice. You don't experience the sensations of crawling flesh as each hair follicle dies, and the soreness that comes with it. The nakedness of suddenly being exposed as a cancer patient. Not a choice anymore.

Then there are the parties. I get that people are trying to help raise money and awareness and that's brilliant, its great but excuse me if I don't attend or buy tickets for that function because it doesn't sit right with me at the moment. Having fun in the name of cancer.

You might have guessed that I am in a bad place at the moment emotionally. I think I am still processing all that I have experienced, the disfigurement and the losses I have had forced on me by the disease.

I think its great that people are talking about the disease but lets be careful not to trivialise it or to get drawn in to media driven publicity

Today I just had enough

I didn't have a great weekend. I won't go into detail but it left me feeling anxious and sick today.

Then on the news is this reporter who has just had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer and she's there in her hospital bed all bright and cheery saying she's not fighting cancer she's just being treated for it.

I burst into tears.

Lucky bloody you I thought to myself.

She obviously hadn't been chucked out of hospital the next day after the procedure with no after care. She obviously hasn't got a clue what it's like to live with the disease.

This week an amazing man Mike Peters is starting his 3rd fight with cancer and this woman's attitude really upset me.

I know people deal with things in different ways but not everyone gets 5 star hospital treatment. She made me feel even more like a failure.

Colds Aaaaachooooo

This weekend I was struck by the first cold in ages.

Gosh it completely floored me! Friday night I didn't think I would survive but after an early night and a hot toddy I managed to come around enough to get to Wing Training Day.

Sunday I was aching and sweating then Monday it settled on my chest.

Thankfully my dear oh looked after me and today apart from a cough and a splutter I have my energy back.

Let's hope I don't get more of them!

Keep on keeping on

I never thought that I would ever say this but I am starting to accept the new me. The weird sensations of repairing tissue is easing as is the pain.

Time is indeed a healer.

One thing that is taking longer to get over is the tiredness and the way I don't seem to bounce back from illness as before.

I am feeling anxious about life in general too and that's not very pleasant.

The things that help with everything I am going through is keeping a positive mind set. Never ever make an excuse why you can't. ... a reason is acceptable as is a compromise but never an excuse!

The cadets. I love being a civilian instructor. To mix with an amazing set of young adults and to be a part of helping them to shape their future.

My horse. Yes he is my Guardian Angel. We live parallel lives and we give to each other unconditionally and from the heart.

My family. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.  They give me direction and purpose.

My faith.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring be it good or bad. I don't even know why I am here or why I have been spared but I do know that 3 cancers in 6 years = pretty shitty but I am alive and my heart is still beating.

Never give up on life. Just keep on keeping on.

Dip Dip Drop

I seem to have hit the wall.

I have been running in flight mode this year with little time to think about things. Living life on auto pilot as it were.

Now it's just caught up with me and I am facing what has happened and processing it all.

There are times when I want to run. Other times my heart races and I panic.

The fact that I am experiencing these emotions is very positive because it means that I am addressing them in order to move on and move on I will.

Growing Up

I honestly can't believe where the years have gone.

I seem to have blinked and a whole decade has whizzed by.

Only yesterday my boys were small and they needed me. I was busy fighting for help for my youngest, life was full of medical appointments and reviews then fast forward to now....

My eldest has left school and is about to start college and my youngest is taller than me!

GCSE results yesterday and I am so proud of my eldest. Despite his struggles in life he passed all of his exams. I'm not going to discuss grades, I never was or never will be competitive and certainly will not use my boys to be that way. Suffice to say he passed with flying colours despite the fact that I was having surgeries when he sat his exams and was very ill.

I am just feeling a bit wind swept as I try to grasp the fact that they are charging fast towards manhood.

If a mother is reading this you will either totally get what I am saying or you won't have reached that point yet. If you haven't reached that point then please listen to me when I tell you to treasure each moment, even the bad ones.

Naughty Fell Pony

Yesterday Cola had his routine jabs. It was the new vets second day on the job. I told her straight away that Cola mustn't see the needle because he will be difficult.

She was a lovely young vet but not fast or firm enough for old Cola so the injection was a bit of a trauma.

The 14hh black beast grew in size and snorted and prance around his box with me trying to control him.

24 years old? He was acting like a 4 year old.

Then a blood sample was required. Oh my days the drama that ensued!

The vet got flung into my hay bar and I decided that it was time to tell Cola off much to the amusement of other horse owners.

The telling off seemed to work along with my arms working overtime to keep him still! As soon as he was standing I started to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little bloody star which despite my dreadful voice seemed to do the trick.

Poor boy looked so upset and to cap it all a wormer paste was administered.... not the best of days for my boy.

The vet was impressed by his condition and health although there are signs of a cataract forming on his scarred eye. The bloods will go off for testing to see if he has Cushings disease and I will  retest for worm burden in 2 weeks time.

Today my arms are stiff and painful.

Emotional Healing

Its been one hell of a year to be honest with you. 

Started off in December when my friends horse died. He was old and ailing but I helped her out with him and being stable buddies not only did I have to deal with the loss of her horse but her as well.

At the start of January following the installation of my special "shed" I received notification from the council that somebody had reported me for running a dog grooming business from home! 

Really?

 If the council had camped outside my house for a month they wouldn't have seen a thing because I only groom dogs as a hobby these days in order to keep my hand in. FFS my health won't allow anything more.

That really did shake me to the core I can tell you especially as one of my original customers back when I was grooming died suddenly and I was diagnosed with a third breast cancer.

I can't really explain how it made me feel. I felt violated, watched, I felt as though I had the evil eye on me..... It was dreadful. Whoever did that to me .... well .... shame on them!

After that .... everything that could go wrong DID go wrong and what followed were months of operations, antibiotics, pain, pain and more pain.....

I do think that the shock and upset of the council report did have an impact  on my immune system which isn't the best after my other illnesses and contributed to the hell that followed.

So now I am at a point in my life where I am taking time out to draw breath and heal my emotions.

I have had some reiki healing which has helped alot, its a great energy which goes where its needed.

I have forgiven the person who reported me to the council. I feel sorry for whoever they are because if they felt that insecure about me or hated me that much then they must be very sad individuals. I won't waste any emotion on them other than pity and sadness. 

As for the cancer and what the failed reconstruction has left me with.... well ..... thats more difficult. 

I still can't look at myself or touch the area. It feels strange anyway and I have been left with a dishing effect so prosthetics don't sit well either. The prosthetics cause pain too and yet I feel exposed without them.

It is going to take a long time to come to terms with all of this mess and my new body image. 

Time is a great healer and I am sure that once I have accepted what has happened I will come to accept this new me - or will I?

Promenading in Chester

Gorgeous sunny day today and Js first day off work so we decided to postpone our jobs and go for a wander by Chesters river.

Number 2 son was off out with his girlfriend and number 1 son decided to join us.

Ice cream by the river.... you just can't beat a Mr Whippy 😉

The park was full of families of all ages. Seeing the various stages of relationships taking what they needed from the ambience was quite nostalgic. The kids, the teens, young lovers, young parents, people like me and then grandparents.

It's funny how I have never considered these stages until today.

My advice to anyone reading this is to recognise each stage and love it for what it is.